Friday, November 13, 2009

I did give it an effort...


It's Thursday, the NFL network is kicking off its Thursday Night Football schedule and as Terrel Owens has advised me to do, I got my popcorn ready to watch Jay Cutler and Alex Smith have an exciting interceptions battle. I knew before hand that Former Lions GM Matt Millen, a man who in eight infamous years took my once gloriously mediocre franchise and turned them into the worst organization in the history of professional sports, was calling the game. But I'm over that. Just glad that loser is gone and hope that the new Lions regime can one day return us back to mediocrity.

What I didn't expect, apparently, was that Matt Millen would actually open his mouth during the broadcast. Totally didn't see that coming. Blindsided. It took as long as the first play from scrimmage when Alex Smith threw a sideline pass to Michael Crabtree who made a spectacular play on the ball with Millen chiming in with 'Crabtree's got that 'it' factor'. How in the hell would this clown know? Forgive me but as a Lions fan I'm not respecting this dudes opinions on wide recievers too much. If I was Michael Crabtree I'd be scared to death this idiot just gave me a 'vote of confidence'.

I believe this is a unique situation in that I can't recall any other coach or executive or player even who, after screwing up a team all to hell, goes to the broadcast booth to torture the poor populace even further. Chiefs fans might feel this way about Herm Edwards but he did give them a winning season. For the most part bad players, coaches and executives fade away into obscurity since no one is all that interested in hearing what they have to say. Imagine Dan Snyder selling the Redskins then showing on up NFL Network to give sage advice on the proper way to run a football team. I don't think Redskins fans would like that too much.

The good thing for Matt Millen is that this lack of credibility that he has rightfully earned only affects people within about a 150 mile radius of the city of Detoit since NBC, ESPN and the NFL Network had no qualms at all about hiring this bozo. He's on TV more now than he was before he was gifted five million a year by the Fords to run the Lions into the ground. Of course you can't blame Millen for taking all that money for a job he had no qualifications for and no clue how to execute and who would get progressively worse at the job the longer he was on the job, but who wouldn't take five mil/per? You give me forty million dollars and I give you all my credibility. I'd take that deal, though Millen didn't even lose that. Matt Millen just might be proof positive that God loves some of us more than others.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Don't let them do it God...


Some forty years ago there was this movie directed by Joseph Sargent called 'Colossus: The Forbin Project' and if you haven't had the chance to see this minor cult sci-fi classic you should track it down and check it out. 'Colossus' is a deliberately paced, well thought out, well crafted science picture film chronicling Dr. Forbin's (Eric Braden) missile defense machine arbitrarily deciding that man is not fit to handle his own fate and thus takes matters into its own hands. Simple enough. Now this is somewhat old news but we hear that the Hollywood powers that be are planning a remake of this film and we are here to say that this time they must be stopped. At all costs. I realize remakes and retreads and the like are the way to go but a 'remake' of this movie is a no-win situation. First off the movie was done right the first time and more so the Matrix series and the Terminator series have wrung the whole man vs. machine thing dry. Besides there is almost no discernable action in 'Colossus' since it's all dialog and theory with most of the destruction taking place off screen. There's a little violence as Colossus needs to prove a point here and there and there was a touch of sex as we observed how Dr. Forbin cleverly maneuvered Dr. Markahm (Susan Clarke) into the sack, but otherwise, without completely rewriting the movie, I don't know how this would fly with modern audiences.

But while are completely, totally and unshakably opposed to a remake, we do fully support a sequel. Imagine what the world would look like forty years under Colossus rule. There would now be an entire generation that know of nothing except rule under the thumb of Colossus. There are no more borders and thus there are no more wars and thus the world is at complete and total peace. Where as the machines in The Matrix were using the humans as a means to an end and the machines in the Terminator where doing everything in their power to get rid of us, Colossus works for what it feels is the best interest of humans. Thus it would be unlikely that Colossus would wipe us out since it feels we need its presence and with out it, it would probably believe that it would serve no purpose.

Now here's where a team of clever storytellers and script writers have to step in and make themselves a movie. Think of the world that a few creative types could create, one that is completely different from the world we know of now. The technology they could create or eliminate because now the focus is no longer profit driven. In fact I would imagine Colossus to be a glorified Communist since the machine would do everything for the good of the state and could care less about the individual. The conflict, of course, is that we are not free and that's not going to fly with a lot of folks. But there are probably even more people who see Colossus rule as a good thing. And we have seen what Colossus does to those who don't toe the line.

The rumor mill has it than Opie Cunningham would direct and the Fresh Prince would star. both those cats are plenty talented and no doubt could pull off this update with Will Smith working out exceptionally well because they could make him the infant son of the Georg Stanford Brown character who Colossus mercilessly dispatched of giving this character a vengeance motive in addition to the whole lack of freedom thing. As a bonus Eric Braden and Susan Clark are still very much alive to reprise their roles.

I know it probably won't happen and if they do decide to redo 'The Forbin Project' it will have car chases and bombs ticking down to triple zero and scenes in strip clubs and melodrama and a happy ending. But for once, powers that be, listen to that small voice in the back of your head... that being me... and take the path less traveled. Imagine the possibilities.

Friday, November 6, 2009

You should know... Todd Jensen


Every once in a while I think I'm gonna pick out some relatively obscure actor and give this guy or gal some props for their hard work in little seen Straight to DVD flicks with today's subject being the hard working actor Todd Jensen. Who is Todd Jensen? Beats the hell out of me but Mr. Jensen has been doing this acting thing for quite a while usually showing up as uptight FBI Agents or Bureaucrats but in three consecutive days I saw three separate movies featuring Mr. Jensen in which he was brutally murdered in each and every one. Man, that's damn good work if you can get it. In the remake of 'It's Alive' Todd was cut to shreds by a new born baby, in the movie 'Train' Todd was vivisectioned and harvested for his valuable internal organs and in the Sci-Fi Original film 'Star Runners' Todd was gored and eaten by a giant bug. But that was only how Todd was brutalized this past weekend because we've seen Todd get murderized in a number of different ways previous to this. Apparently Todd Jensen is your go to guy if you need somebody eaten by a giant bug because this is how bought it in the movie 'Infestation'. Great movie by the way. Then in the movie 'Boogeyman 3' Todd was turned into strawberry jam by giant shadow monster, in the movie 'Nightmare City 2035' Todd made it all the way to the end in that one, but he was the bad guy and I believe he ended up getting his ass disintegrated and then in the movie Mega Snake... well, you can imagine how Todd brought the farm in that one.

Imagine my disappointment when I saw the movie 'Wrong Turn 3', observed Todd Jensen was among the cast full with the joyful knowledge that he was going to get it bad by an inbred cannibalistic hillbilly only to have him show in one scene as an uptight FBI agent and survive. The disappointment was palpable. While we haven't seen the movie 'Bats: Human Harvest' or 'Copperhead' I'm betting Todd gets it good in those.

If Todd is married with children I hope his family appreciates what my man goes through to put food on the table for them. Meet Todd Jensen everybody. A dude who dies so often in horror flicks that you could almost mistake him for a black guy.