Friday, February 24, 2012

The Secrets to becoming a Film Critic.


A young man emailed me not too long ago, wishing to know what are the requirements and training necessary to becoming a film critic. Obviously being a film critic is not an easy thing to do, right up there with Night Security Guarding or Dog Whispering in degree of difficulty as far as part time gigs go, but I did my best to point this young man on the right path, and figuring this advice is far to sage and valuable to limit to this one dude, I'm going to share the secrets of film criticism with the world!

Let's begin with the valuable requirements.

1. A partially functioning eyeball. Obviously we need to see these movies so an eyeball that works somewhat is fairly key. However Tommy Edison is blind and he's a much better known film critic than me and whole lot of others with functioning eyeballs, so take this requirement with a grain of salt.

2. A functional ear. You're watching a Steven Seagal movie, you hear him speak but you can't understand a word he's saying. If you couldn't hear, you wouldn't know you can't understand him now would you? And as far I know there are no deaf film critics out there, though you would think sight would be more importing than hearing when it comes to movies, but what do I know?

3. A Working Digit. You need to be able to type or write your critical thoughts and amazing witticisms down on something now don't you? If you have word processor, all you need is one digit. Just one. Even if it's only a thumb. If you insist on writing with a pen, I'm thinking you're gonna need three digits. So get a word processor if you have less than three fingers.

4. A second grade education. Don't think an education is important? You try breaking down the subtleties of 'Larry the Cable Guy' using the square block in the square hole communication method. By the second grade you should have at least touched on two of the three R's, those being readin' and ritin'. Rithmatic will not be required.

And most importantly...

5. A working buttock. I believe you need both buttock cheeks to be active in order to be truly effective at this vocation, unless you're one buttock is really large. It is critical that you have a comfortable buttock, one that can take the pressure for hours upon hours of relentless, tireless, brutal sitting. Have you ever wondered why so few film critics, at least decent ones, are thin? Because skinny people can't take handle the pressure. Hey man, the journal Nature actually covered and confirmed this.

And that's pretty much it. I know it looks daunting, standing at the base Kilimanjaro with no hope of surviving the trek to the pinnacle, but if you dedicate yourself... you too can be a film critic. Good luck my friends.