Thursday, September 3, 2015

Butt Munching in Detroit.



The man in the picture over there is apparently eating the butt of his lady friend.  This is made all the more disturbing as this act is taking place during the tailgate of a pre-season game of my team… the Detroit Lions.  I mean it’s bad enough being a Lions fan, but now we have to live this down.  However this article is less about the act of the butt munching itself, which we will admit is mighty peculiar, but more about how does this even come to pass?

So your sitting in a parking lot before the game, getting ready to eat a couple of brats, down a couple of brews, and then… what?  Does your lady go “Hey… I’d really like it if you ate my butt right now”?  Is that how this went down?  And if she did ask, couldn’t the man just say “Baby, I’m gonna eat that butt like it’s a rib-eye… as soon as we get home”.  I think she’d be understanding.  Or maybe he lost a bet.  He bet his girl that the Tigers would cover the three run spread against the Brewers the previous night, lost this bet, with her part of the bet being that he would have to eat her butt in public parking lot.  Is that what happened?  And more to that, what would’ve been her part of the bet if she had lost?

Now if these crazy kids were actually having sex in this public parking lot, while still wildly inappropriate, I could understand a little bit.  She’s looking good to him, he’s talking dirty, folks are getting worked up and nature just won’t be denied.  Again, they could wait until they get home, but being a Detroit native I know that Ford Field is downtown, from the blurry photo these people look to be white, most of the white people who go to Lions games live out in the ‘burbs, sometimes 30, 40 or 50 miles away so that’s a long time to wait to get some lovin’ that refuses to wait.  I get it.  That is if they were they were having sex.  But I don’t believe butt munching is even a legitimate sex act.  I don’t know what that is.  That’s a sex act in the same way bumping elbows or unison tap dancing or handling bacon is a sex act.   Now if the young lady receiving the butt munching were to turn around, now we are working with a sex act I actually recognize.  If someone had taken a picture of that, it wouldn’t have even caused a ripple because I’m pretty sure that happens in public parking lots all the time.  But having one’s face buried in someone’s ass during a football game?  That right there is newsworthy.

And let’s not forget about the children.  What if a child saw that and asked… “Daddy… what are they doing?”  If they were having regular sex in the parking lot, after you called the police, you would tell little Johnny quite simply “They’re making a baby, son”.  But munching on a butt?  How do you explain that to the kids?  Dr. Spock did not write a chapter on this.  I’ve checked.
We just have questions for these two is all.  How did the butt munching come about?  What exactly kind of thrill does one get from public butt munching?  Did they go ahead and watch the game afterwards?  Did he at least brush his teeth when he was done?  We have questions, all of which I fear will never be answered.  Yet another black eye on my otherwise great home town.  Detroit doesn’t need this.  Come on y’all, we're better than this
aren't we?  Aren't we?