Film Critics United

The Genius of Misfits

2011-11-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

So my man Arvell kept pressuring me to watch this show Misfits, and to be honest he was getting a little obnoxious about it, but my viewing plate is pretty full, considering that I'm an international celebrity and stuff, but to get him off of my back I finally got around to watching this British TV show, and while Misfits isn't the best show I've ever seen, I can say that without fear of recrimination that creator Howard Overman's show is still pure, unadulterated genius. That you have just read, my friends, is called a run-on sentence.

But what is it that makes Misfits a study in genius exactly? Imagine you want to make a show that features folks with superpowers, and you don't have a lot of money. What do you do? You get creative is what you do. Note that my observations are based solely on the six episodes of season one, so I don't know what may or may not have changed in the following two seasons, but season one takes place largely in one location, that being a community center. Community centers usually have lots of stuff, so you can work wonders with that one location when armed with a little creativity. Then you have the powers that our anti-heroes possess such as turning invisible, or hearing peoples thoughts, or making people horny. I don't think you need ILM on board to have people pretend not to see the invisible guy who's right in front of them.

But the concept is the easy part. The hard part is good story telling, clever writing, and engaging characters... all things way cheaper than expensive effects, but far more difficult to come by, no matter how much money you have. Misfits has all of that in spades.

This takes me to my main point of this nonsense, where people on the evil internet bash the American film and TV industry, an industry which often rehashes British and other foreign shows instead of making their own shows, I.E. The Office or Prime Suspect, and countless other shows and movies. Americans lack creativity they say, since far too much of our entertainment consists of copies and remakes. Not true I tell you. There are over 300 million people in this country so I'm pretty sure somebody out there possesses some creativity, however one industry is State Supported while the other is Profit Driven. Or in other words, one is free to create while the other is beholden to advertising. So... are you going to risk your high paying network or studio job on a fresh, new, creative concept that might crash and burn and potentially drive away advertising dollars, or are you going to go with something that's been done already, that people a few miles away seem to like a lot that nobody here has seen yet? Unfortunately, we know the answer to that, unless you subscribe to HBO, Showtime or Starz which creates fantastic original shows, but derive their profits from subscriptions and not advertising.

I have no solutions to this problem since this dilemma can only end when America ceases being a profit driven marketplace, which will only happen when America ceases being. Nobody outside of Al-Qaeda wants that. Just letting you know why things are the way that they are. Ooops, gotta go, Torchwood is on.

Best team in the NFL?

2011-09-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

Probably not, but it's time to talk some LIONS FOOTBALL!!! It's no secret, the Lions are my team and even in the 0-16 season I did a few episodes of Totally Twisted Flix decked out in Lions gear to show my support despite their futility. But after the comeback against the snakebit Vikings last Sunday, we're starting to get a little bit of much needed national love.

Mind you, had the Lions had lost that game I would've been fine with it. It's not like we expect them to go undefeated and it was a road game against a tough opponent in place they hadn't won since Bill Clinton was president, but they pulled it out in spectacular fashion, and while we try to take these things one game at a time... but as fans expectations are starting to get a little high. My hope at the beginning of the season was that The Lions go 10-6 and maybe squeeze into a wildcard spot, The Packers being the class of the division, if not the entire league, but realistically I was seeing 8-8. Right now 8-8 would end up being a bit of disappointment since that would mean playing sub .500 ball the rest of the way. I did warn my fellow Lion faithful that it wouldn't be beyond our team to go 8-1 and lose the next seven games, but we are banking on that not happening.

That's saying a lot for a team that lost every game three years ago, a feat that made them a sub-expansion team since even expansion teams find a way to win a couple. Thus, for this turnaround, we have take our hats off to GM Martin Mayhew who learned well at the hem of the esteemed Matt Millen on exactly what NOT to do when building a football team. And while the Lions are one Calvin Johnson twisted ankle from falling back to the rest of the pack, I'm thinking that's not going to happen either. This also means we're looking into the future, which is silly and unwise, especially for a Lions fan, but we're doing it anyway dammit! Because in this future that I'm seeing, the playoff bound Lions will end up facing either the NFC East or West division winner, the Pack and the Saints getting first round bye's, and the chances are the Lions will have a better record than whoever those division winners are. This future is telling me that the Detroit Lions are getting a second playoff win in fifty-five years... that's what the future is telling me. Who am I to discount the wisdom of the planets?

Crazy talk? Hell yes it is. But now, we here in Detroit can talk crazy, where for well over a decade we couldn't talk at all. Life is good. Oh, and we don't really watch a lot of movies during football season so updates will be low. Not that anyone cares about that.

Hail to the Craptastic!

2011-09-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

There are great movies, but these are very few. There are good movies, and they are more numerous. The fat part of the bell curve is filled with mediocre movies, then there are bad movies, and those are very numerous as well. There are also terrible movies, and while these are more plentiful than great movies, they do show up less frequently than the others. But the rarest of movie, the kind we will be discussing today, is the Craptastic movie. The Craptastic movie is one that achieves a level of incompetence and awfulness that brings one a level of unbridled joy that is almost impossible to describe and the true Craptastic movie varies from watcher to watcher. The reason the Craptastic film is rare is because it is really difficult to pull off. It can't be planned, it can't be mapped out, it MUST happen accidentally on the organic level, and this is why there are so few. So for your perusal, we have my personal list of some of the most Craptastic movies ever made.

10. The Jail - A Woman's Hell

That woman getting flogged in that picture is dead already. She died in solitary but the sickest warden in the sickest prison in all of Manilla will not be denied her flogging pleasure. Thus we have Master Bruno Mattei's last movie, his epic homage to the WIP, 'The Jail: A Woman's Hell'.

What makes this movie Craptastic? Every woman in prison movie cliche ever created, plus strip club scenes, with the addition of these strippers thrust into 'The Most Dangerous Game' where they will be hunted by blood thirsty big game hunters. Like hunting strippers is hard.

Craptastic Moment? A poor stripper is shot twelve times and we were thankful that at least she wouldn't be tortured. We were wrong.

9. Perfect Hideout

A couple on the run busts up in the crib of some dude to hideout, only to find out that he's a crazed serial killer who got there before they did.

What makes this movie Craptastic? Uh... Billy Zane is the star? How about that, huh? But what truly makes 'Perfect Hideout' Craptastic is that it has to be one the funniest 'thrillers' I've ever had the pleasure of sitting through. Yes, it's terrible on almost every level, but when a movie can inject this much unintended humor into such a short time span, it is some craptasm that has to be experienced.

Craptastic Moment? Quite a few, but I think we'll go with the cop / killer standoff where the cop kept telling the killer how he should blow him away, his gun trained on his forehead, while the killer calmly walked towards a kitchen knife and using his previously unknown circus skills, throws the knife through is chest. The stupid cop has suddenly stopped talking.

8. 2012 Supernova

It's 2012 and a Supernova is sending evil neutrinos across the universe to end life on earth as we know it. Unless we can nuke it! Hell Yeah!

What makes this movie Craptastic? From our friends at The Asylum who have made a number of crap movies, and even a few decent ones, but this is one of the rare ones that qualifies for Craptasm. Sure the movie is about the impending end of the earth, but that's not going to stop Iranian Terrorist, inbred Hillbillies, stereotypically drunk Russians, evil Chinese, bratty teenaged daughters and bad special effects from getting completely into the mix.

Craptastic Moment? That's an easy one. I hate it when I'm trying to draw up an equation to save the planet earth from destruction, and I'm attacked, out of the blue, by a Ninja. I hate that.

7. Hyenas

Brought over on slave ships by the WHITE MAN, these hyena hybrids are roaming the countryside causing a ruckus. Typically, the White Man gets the last laugh in all of this since the Hyena hybrids are all white now. Damn.

What makes this movie Craptastic? There is a lot of Craptastic goodness in this terrible movie my friends. First of all it's not a werewolf movie, because werewolves are played out and stuff, but it's a Hyena movie! That's sweet. This movie has Mehsach Taylor in it. Designing Women? Meshach Taylor? Ah, forget about it. This movie has a Mexican / White guy battle subplot in it, just like 'West Side Story', that has absolutely nothing to do with Hyena Hybrids. And when the Hyenas are human, the stand around and laugh hysterically like a bunch of idiots. Hyenas everywhere are insulted.

Craptastic Moment? Again, very easy. You have to make to the end but when star Costas Mandylor does this one thing in this movie, the award of the Craptastic is cemented in stone. I can't ruin it for you. Must be experienced organically.

6. Zombi 3

That detached zombie skull right there? It's flying through air, on it's own power, about to eat someone. That's awesome. Anyway, a scientist has created a viral weapon called Death One. It gets out and turns everybody into zombies. This scientist is shocked that this happened, even though he named his virus Death One. Dumbest Scientist Ever.

What makes this movie Craptastic? I don't who directed this for sure, Lucio Fulci gets the credit but rumor has it that previous nominee Bruno Mattei had a hand in it too, which would explain why this movie is so horribly wonderful. This movie features the worlds most useless final girl who does nothing but scream and collapse, and it also features zombies that sprint, climb trees, levitate, swim, drive cars, pick locks and most importantly... they rock the mic. The first and last zombie movie that features a Zombie D.J. Come on now.

Craptastic Moment? Our useless final girl, seeing her man is turning into a zombie searches for a glass of water because all turning zombies need a glass of water. But he's not thirsty anymore. At least not for water. He's Thirsty... For Her Blood! He actually said that.

5. Chained Heat

That's a crazed inmate assaulting a tranny right there. Where are you going to see that kind of action? So Carol, played by a completely miserable looking Linda Blair, is sent up the river for hitting some guy with her car. Her sentence? To be groped, raped, assaulted, probed, raped, slapped, and abused at the second worst female penitentiary ever in existence. We've already discussed the worst.

What makes this movie Craptastic? The awesome cast for starters. Blair, Tamara Dobson, Stella Stevens, Henry Silva, John Vernon, Sybil Danning, and Robert Miano for starters. The fact that back in '83 they released this movie the same week that 'Revenge of the Jedi' got released is another reason. This one was far more entertaining as it turns out. The fact that this movie is about as incompetent as any piece of semi-modern cinema can realistically hope to become. This movie is wonderful and it's damned sleazy.

Craptastic moment? If you've seen it, you already know. The Boom Microphone. That Mic logged more screen time than Linda Blair. And it had a better attitude.

4. American Ninja

He might have amnesia, but he hasn't forgotten how to Kick Ass! That would be Joe, as played by the legendary Michael Dudikoff, In the film that started the White Guy Ninja Craze of the 80's, AMERICAN NINJA!!!

What makes this movie Craptastic? Wrong question. The real question is 'What Doesn't make this movie Craptastic?' because American Ninja will destroy your soul it's so awesome. But while Michael Dudikoff and the late Steve James are devastating in this epic, this movie truly belongs to the bad guy, The Black Star Ninja, a character who provides so much comic relief and ass kicking murderous mayhem that he must be experienced first hand.

Craptastic moment? The easy answer is the whole movie, but we'll go with Black Star Ninja training his ninja students by murdering them. We're told it's an honor to be murdered by Black Star Ninja, but I don't remember seeing any of his students volunteering for that honor.

3. American Ninja II: The Confrontation

Somebody on a tropical island is stealing Marines! It's time for Army Rangers Joe and Curtis to lace them up once again to get to the bottom of this nonsense since The Marines can't solve their own damn problems.

What Makes this movie Craptastic? I honestly thought, in my heart of hearts, that no other White Guy Ninja movie could top the craptasm that was 'American Ninja', until I saw 'American Ninja 2' and discovered that this was even more Craptastic! Why are they stealing U.S. Marines? So they can bio-reengineer them into ninja terrorist drones and sell them on the open market. That's pretty darned nutty as far as plot devices go. And again, our main bad ninja, whose responsible for training these ninja drones, demonstrates the ninja drones skills by completely murdering these ninja drones. Whose gonna buy them now?

Craptastic Moment? When Joe and the bad Ninja Tojo Ken had their big battle and Joe was totally wearing Tojo Ken out, this alleged pulled out a shotgun, from who knows where, and started blasting at Joe. Not very ninja like. The shotgun did match his Ninja outfit however. It even had a ninja tassel on it.

2. Mega Piranha

In an effort to cure hunger, voluptuous Dr. Sarah, as played by former pop star Tiffany, has decided to genetically re-engineer some fish to make them bigger. Like Piranha. Dr. Sarah is stupid.
Now it's time for super badass special ops badass Jason Fitch, as played by the legendary Paul Logan, to save the day. By drop kicking those fish bastards.

What Makes this movie Craptastic? You knew it had to make the list somewhere, and that's The Asylum's 'Mega Piranha'. We've already discussed, in length, in many venues about how awesomely incompetent and entertaining Mega Piranha is so we won't waste any more time on it, but if there's something to be learned then that is don't experiment on making a fish bigger that can kill you while it's still small. Tilapia? Perch? Salmon? Something people actually eat?

Craptastic Moment? So many, but we'll go with the end. While it looked to us that there were still plenty of skyscraper sized Piranha left in the ocean, that didn't stop our heroes from high fiving each other in glorious celebration at their wonderful non-victory.

1. Undefeatable

Anna has left her abusive husband Stingray who rapes her while calling her mommy. Stingray will then proceed to kill Anna even though she's nowhere around. Thus if you have red hair and a flowery looking dress, you're in a lot of trouble. Stingray's big mistake was killing the sister of hardcore gang banger / diner waitress Kristi, as played by the legendary mistress of mayhem Cynthia Rothrock. The problem is that Stingray is undefeatable. And I don't think undefeatable is a real word.

What Makes this movie Craptastic? Do you understand how craptastical a movie has to be, to be more craptastic than 'Mega Piranha'? Well here it is. The acting is terrible, director Godfrey Ho is legendary in his ineptness, the action is extremely suspect, the story is completely insane... and every second of this movie works together like a finely tuned Beethoven Concerto. Undefeatable is so devastatingly awesome that I couldn't watch another movie for a week because I knew nothing else could compare. I had to decompress from Undefeatable.

Craptastic Moment? Again, pretty easy. Next to last scene, before everybody enrolls in college (it's complicated), Stingray gets both his eyes gouged out. Hero #1 yells 'I'll keep an Eye Out for You Stingray!' followed hero #2 yelling 'See Ya!' People, it don't get no better than that.

Armstead's perfect Fried Chicken

2011-08-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

In the movie 'The Help', Minnie the Maid, wonderfully played by actress Octavia Spencer, made the statement that there is something about Fried Chicken that makes everyone feel good. Or something like that. Never have truer words been spoken. We're talking real live, authentic, home brewed fried chicken over here. While KFC is decent chicken and all, if you have more than four pieces in a sitting you're not going to be feeling real good for a while. What you may not know is that your boy Armstead, that's me, makes arguably the greatest fried chicken wing in the history of existence of the universe. Arguably. Unlike KFC, if you eat twenty of Armstead's chicken wings, which is recommended for health reasons, the only thing you will be thinking about is that twenty first chicken wing. For real. And here's how it's done.

The ingredients are simple. Grab about a dozen chicken wings, obviously. Not dings, but full wings. This isn't BW3. The fatter the wing the better. Get yourself about three cups of flour, some popcorn salt (found at most dollar stores), onion power, garlic powder and black pepper. You'll need about a cup of hot sauce... not Frank's or Louisiana because it's too thick, but something they sell at the dollar store that's more watery, and make sure you get the hottest available. It won't make the finished product hot, but it will integrate the flavor better. And you'll also need about a cup of soy sauce. And one of those empty Country Crock butter tubs. Anything will do, but I prefer those.

The key to this is the hot sauce, soy sauce wash. Others use an egg wash, I use this. Put the hot sauce and the soy sauce in a bowl, mix it up real good and drop you wings in the wash and roll them around real good like.

With the wings still in the wash, put your flour in the tub, cover the flour with a coating of the popcorn salt... don't go heavy on this... then a covering of onion powder and a covering of garlic powder, then a good five shakes of the black pepper. Shake it all up.

When frying, I use a deep fryer. Personally, when I batter my chicken, which this recipe isn't, I pan fry in my skillet, but when flouring the chicken I use a deep fryer. Not everybody has an electric deep fryer, so pan frying does work, just be very careful if you've never done it. Too much vegetable oil, pan frying and an electric stove set too high=house fire. And another note, the older the oil your using, the better the chicken will be. Brand new vegetable oil will make for a beautiful looking piece of chicken, just a little less flavor.

So your soaked chicken is well covered in the wash, you pull it out of the wash, drop it in flour mix and shake it all up. At this point your chicken is potentially great fried chicken, but the key to realizing that potential is in the actual frying, and that's when things get tricky for the uninitiated. If you have a decent deep fryer a lot of the guess work in frying is removed from the equation, but as we pointed out, not everybody has one. So you get your oil nice and hot, if it's a gas stove I'd put it on medium, hell if I know what to do with an electric stove since I despise them,but if a small drop of water dances on the oil, it's generally ready to fry.

Drop your chicken in the oil, I have no time restrictions for you since it has to pass your personal eye test, but I know you know what good Fried Chicken looks like. If you pan fry, make sure you flip your chicken. Once the eye test has been passed, drop your chicken on a paper towel to soak up the extra oil... expensive paper towels since cheap ones will leave paper on your chicken... no one wants that. And always eat a piece first to make sure it's okay before you continue on with the rest of the frying process. Just in case you need to tweak your flour mixture or adjust the heat on the oil. But please, stop at one or no else will get any. You've been warned.

There you go, best fried chicken wing ever. I can't tell you if it works with other pieces of the bird because all I ever fry is wings. I use my rotisserie for the rest of the bird, and if someone makes a movie about rotisserie chicken, I'll give up that awesome recipe too.

Touchpad MADNESS!!!

2011-08-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

Last Friday when I went to sleep I didn't want an HP Touchpad, just like nobody else on the planet Earth wanted an HP Touchpad. In fact I didn't want any kind of tablet since I don't particularly have a use for one. Then that Saturday when I woke up... since nobody on the planet Earth wanted an HP Touchpad... HP discontinued the HP Touchpad and had a fire sale. $99 for an HP Touchpad. I figured 'why not get an HP Touchpad'. What I didn't realize is that $99 is the sweet spot for massive insanity, chaos, mayhem, and essentially the end of society as we know it. As it turns out I'd have a better chance at a romantic interlude in Paris with Gabrielle Union while Salma Hayek is waiting at the hotel for us to finish up, than getting a $99 HP Touchpad. Oh wait... That's Paris thing has happened already. Forget I mentioned it.

So I place an online order at this poor beleaguered resale outfit Onsale.com, through Amazon, for my Touchpad. Clicking 'buy now' was the amount of effort that I was willing to expend for this thing I didn't want a day before, and I don't need now. Tragically I never got a Touchpad, and I'm good with that, but what has been fascinating is watching my deal site's and peoples tireless purists for the $99 HP Touchpad. You could stand in line at Best Buy, get there real early before they open and get a ticket that will allow you to buy a Touchpad, or you could keep refreshing the HP site and hope like hell it comes back online for a few seconds, or try one one Wally's joints, his Mart or his Club which don't have any, or travel to the business stores, Staples, Offices Max and Depot, and badger the red shirts into relinquishing the ones YOU KNOW they are hiding in the back and plan to sell on Craigs List. You could do that. Or you could just buy an Ipad or a Galaxy.

But most of the anger and hostility has been levied at poor Onsale.com. Those idiots had the nerve to run out of stock of this thing that nobody wanted the day before. Where Onsale screwed up was that they couldn't update the Amazon order section to let people know that they weren't getting their orders and that it was eventually going to be cancelled for most. This gave people hope. And when that hope was destroyed, Onsale being the last chance for these poor people to get this thing they didn't want a few days earlier... Onsale has to pay. Thus Onsale, which by all accounts has been a solid online retailer, has seen their approval rating drop to unprecedented depths. You'd think they were President Obama or something.

Now these $99 dollar things that nobody wanted are showing up on Ebay and Craigslist and many other sites for a little less than they used to cost originally. And now people are buying this thing they didn't want a few days earlier. HP executives are baffled. Yesterday you thought you loved your mom. Today, you'd kidney punch your mom to get in front of her at Best Buy to buy this thing you didn't want. That nobody wanted.

3D Shmee Deee...

2011-08-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm reading one these trade magazines I get, because I'm like a really important Multimedia Professional and stuff right, and an article in this periodical is bemoaning the dropping stock prices of companies that provide 3D for movies and the poor sales for 3D TV's and the like. They observe that for the latest 3D movies, like Pirates 4 or Thor, that 60% percent of audiences opted for the regular old 2D version as opposed to the 3D versions. They theorize that because of the economy, maybe the public just isn't willing to pony up an extra 3 or 4 bucks for the 3D premium. Maybe. Or maybe the 3D in these movie suck. I'm no market researcher, but I think that's your answer Mr. Stock Analyst.

Now I didn't say the movies suck, though some surely do, but the 3D in these movies suck. Out of the fifteen or so movies I've seen in 3D, three of them have had decent 3D. 'Avatar', 'Beowulf' and 'Resident Evil: Afterlife'. That's about it. That leaves another dozen or so that suck. Off the top of my head... 'The Last Airbender', terrible movie... and I remember the credits being in 3D. 'Clash of the Titans'... terrible movie, awesome 3D credits and little else. Thor... good movie, crap 3D. I think I've put the rest out of my head because I can't remember them. Except 'Hoodwinked 2' in which the 3D sucked so bad I just took my glasses off and watched the movie regular like, and only to put the glasses back on when the screen got blurry and stuff.

Thus when the opportunity presents itself, I always opt for 2D. Conan, Fright Night, Toy Story, Tron, Narnia, the Green Hornet, Kung Fu Panda, the Green Lantern, Rio, Priest, Drive Angry... all seen in 2D and I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anything watching them in 2D outside of wearing a second pair of glasses on top of the ones I already have to wear.

It might be a little too late, but I'd be looking to move that 3D stock from your portfolio if I were you.

Remembering Al Leong - not that he's dead or anything.

2011-03-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

Who is this handsome fellow right here? Well if you grew up in the 80's and the 90's and watched a bunch of mindless action flicks while you were growing up, then you know exactly who this cat is. You might not know his name, but you know the face and you certainty know the Gallagher-esque hair-do. This gentleman is Al Leong and he sports a Fu-manchu.

I don't know in Mr. Leong's long and illustrious career if he got a chance to have a starring role in a movie, in fact if we go over the movies we've seen Al Leong on, he rarely even got the opportunity to speak. And on the rare occasions when we did hear Mr. Leong speak, when he wasn't forced to recite his lines in broken English, his diction was much closer to that of a Harvard Law Professor but alas Harvard Law Professor's tend to make for bad Asian Thugs which is probably why they made him keep his mouth shut.

In fact if you were to peruse Al Leong's filmography a large number of his characters were actually named 'Asian Thug'. If you were making a movie in the 80's or the 90's and you needed an Asian Thug, you either used Al Leong or waited for Al Leong to finish being an Asian Thug in that other movie so he could be an Asian Thug in your movie. Who could forget Al torturing Martin Riggs in Lethal weapon, doing battle with John McClane in Die Hard or his greatest performance, his closing fight with the late Brandon Lee in Rapid Fire. Dolph Lundgren, Jeff Speakman, Van Damme, Kurt Russell, Carl Weathers... big mean dudes who have probably all had to kill, at one point in their careers, an Asian Thug played by Al Leong.

We haven't seen Mr. Leong in a while, his last known credit being listed as Confessions of an Action Star, which of course we have seen, and no one knows where he might be because the real Al Leong is as mysterious and as private as the Asian Thugs that he played back in the day. We hope he is well and we hope to see him again, kicking the asses of a new generation of action stars, before eventually being killed.

Lost before it even got started.

2011-02-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

I live in the state of Michigan, Detroit specifically, and it's no newsflash that the state is struggling no matter how many ultra-cool commercials we show with Eminem in them preaching about a Chrysler. The big news locally is that our governor is on the verge, if he hasn't done so already, of eliminating or severely reducing the extremely generous Michigan Film Credit that was put in place by the previous regime.

In brief if you make a movie in Michigan, for every dollar you spend we will give 42 cents back. But I think you only get that entire 42 cents if you use 100 Michigan residents for your production, but I might be mistaken there.

Now I'm not here to myopically support this tax credit because there are issues with this thing which I am way under qualified to discuss, but with everything else in this great nation of ours it centers around money and how it's distributed. But what I do know is that for the last few years we have actually had a movie industry right here in the great state of Michigan.

In the last couple of weeks alone I have seen and reviewed a good half dozen movies that were shot and set in and around the Detroit area. 'Stone' with Robert DeNiro, 'Vanishing on 7th Street' with Hayden Christensen, 'Gun' with Val Kilmer and Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson, 'Game of Death' with Wesley Snipes, the 'Mechanic' remake and the 'Swat' sequel just to name a few of the many productions which have setup shop in town, and naturally it's all because of these tax breaks.

I'm not an accountant, I can't tell anybody with any degree of certainty what financial benefits or lack thereof these productions have meant for my state, but I can tell you from a personal standpoint that the emotional benefits have been immeasurable. There's nothing like watching places you know, places you've been, seeing people you know on a movie screen. Watching movies made in Detroit and in Michigan in general makes me feel good. And if people are feeling good then people stick around as opposed to picking up a going elsewhere to find a career like an awful lot of our young college grads are doing. Particularly the ones in the arts.

It's a little too late at this point because what's done is done because many of the productions that were on the way or were in pre-production have packed up shop and moved elsewhere. Uncertainty, I'm told, is a bad thing in the movie business. This is one reason why we movie-watchers are forced to watched sequels and remakes and remakes of sequels. Oh well, being a player for a couple of years sure was fun. I hope the governor has a plan.

A Dangerous Man... with a Sitar.

2010-12-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

So I'm going through my ZuneHD... note I could've just said 'MP3 Player' but where's the cache in that? But anyway, I'm going through my ZuneHD and the arduous task of tagging my tunes because a lot of the tunes are listed as 'Unknown'. Of course when one hears 'You Dropped a Bomb on Me' we know it's The Gap Band but now my MP3 Player... I mean my ZuneHD... knows as well. Then I run across this song titled 'Girl It's Alright'. I've never heard this song, I have no idea who is singing this song and I do not know how it got on my player but this song wasn't so bad. I actually had to Google the lyrics to find out who performed this song, but the funny thing is that every time I clicked ENTER, Google came back with Steven Seagal as the artist, no matter how many times I re-typed it in.

I knew that Steven Seagal had a musical album making the rounds, considering the man's a musician in addition to being a kung fu master and a master thespian, but I avoided his musical stylings because... well, it's Steven Seagal playing a sitar and crooning so who wouldn't avoid that? But seriously, the song isn't so bad, though I wish I knew how in the hell it made it on to my player. Seagal now follows a long list of actors of suspect acting ability making songs that aren't so bad. Don Johnson and 'Heartbeat', David Soul and 'Don't Give Up on us Baby', Eddie Murphy and 'Party all the Time'... and that's all I can think of right now. Clint Eastwood, Scott Baio, William Shatner, Keanu Reeves and Regis Philbin have all cut records too but I cannot attest to the quality of those musical compositions.

Anyway, here is Steven doing that OTHER thing that he does when he's not making an action movie a week.

Seriously? The boxing Hall of Fame?

2010-12-10T10:17:00.001-08:00

Man... don't nobody love a 'Rocky' movie more than me. Rocky was a great sports movie, a great love story, a great drama... there was a reason that this movie won the Academy Award for Best Picture back in 1976 though I assign no value to arbitrarily assigned awards. And it is because of Mr. T's senseless snub in Rocky 3, an event that taught me that arbitrarily assigned awards by corrupt committee's have no value.

But the other day Sylvester Stallone was inducted into the boxing hall of fame. Seriously. A hall of fame that includes the likes of Ali, Frazier, Sugar Ray's Leonard and Robinson, Chavez, Hagler, Marciano, Dempsey, Duran, Graziano and now Rocky Balboa. Despite the fact that Rocky Balboa doesn't really exist. Now I'm not here to denigrate Sly in any kind of way because the man probably does belong in some kind of Hall of Fame. I have no doubt he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which he no doubt deserves, and he probably even has his hands in that cement stuff in front of that Hollywood theater out there. And if there is a Hall of Fame for actors and directors and fictional characters and the like, he should be in that too.

But I don't know... it just seems the boxing Hall of Fame should be reserved for Boxers. Or Trainers. Or boxing reporters or even announcers. If Michael Buffer goes into the Boxing Hall of Fame, I don't anybody would be upset about that. And the truth of the matter is I'm not really upset about Sly being in the Hall of Fame, it just seems he doesn't belong there. If he's in then why not put Apollo Creed in the Hall of Fame since he was a great champion before those two titanic bouts with Rocky Balboa. And why stop there. Somebody could probably make a case that Roy Hobbs and the remains of Lightning Boy should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame, Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves) lit up the fake NFL in that movie The Replacements so lets put him in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I believe Edwina Franklin won a championship for the Knicks in that movie Eddie so into the Hall of Fame goes Whoopi Goldberg and can anybody tell me why Paul Newman isn't in the Hockey hall of fame? I'm not joking, why isn't Paul Newman in the Hockey Hall of Fame?

In defense of Stallone's induction NESN writer Don Podheiser wrote; '...he, or his persona, at least, has arguably had a bigger impact on the sport than any other person over the last 40 years,' Of course that statement would include Muhammad Ali among others so I don't know about all of that but hey... it's their Hall of Fame and the can put anybody they want in there. Upon hearing the news about Sly I'm sure Robert DeNiro is waiting with baited breath for his induction letter. Even though he played a guy that was a real person who is already in the Boxing Hall of Fame so I'm not so sure how that would work out.

My Sabbatical has ended.

2010-11-17T06:14:00.000-08:00

Me and Film Critics United have been trudging along for going on five years now, almost non-stop, watching movies and piling up typographical errors but two months ago we finally hit the wall. We simply could not gather up the power to watch another movie as we had to decompress, regroup, refocus and do something else. Note in addition to caring for Film Critics United we also have tend to the Totally Twisted Flix television show, there's a full time job that occasionally needs my attention... since being an Internet film critic and the host of a television show that nobody watches doesn't pay all that well... not to mention a beautiful wife to neglect and a child to ignore, so we had to let it go for a while.

We weren't stagnant in those two months off however. For instance I broke out my power tools which I barely no how to operate and built a stand-up arcade cabinet which is sweet. If you are any kind man you have to have power tools even if you have no idea how to use them. But now I can play me some Galaga, Donkey Kong Jr. and especially Super Contra any time I want. I can even pretend to put quarters in.

Then we watched some TV. We don't get to watch much TV but caught up on some 'True Blood', some 'Hung' some 'Cheaters'... best show on TV... and of course we had to dedicate some time to my beloved Detroit Lions who are simply destroying their opponents. And if by 'destroy' I mean 'lose almost all the time' then that's what I mean. Love my lions. We read a couple of books, categorized my porn collection, wrote a poem discussing the allegory of 'Green Eggs and Ham' and why it's a parallel to drug usage and shot some free throws.

But then I started to hear the rumblings with everyone wondering where I was. And if by 'everyone' I mean 'nobody' then that's what I mean. But now I have returned to my duties and the FCU has recently been updated so please stop emailing me and texting me. And if by 'stop' I mean 'start' then that's what I mean.

Best. Show. Ever.

2010-07-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

A few months back a friend of my mine gives me the 411 on this Starz production of 'Spartacus Blood and Sand'. He tells me it's a good show. He tells me it has a little bit too much 'man on man love' for his tastes... but outside of that, it's a good show. Even though I don't watch much television when the football season ends but I do have that fancy u-verse with all the packages and what-not so I DVR this show. Never got around to watching it. A couple of weeks back combing through the DVR stuff I see this show and decided I should delete it to save some space, but before I do this maybe I should at least watch the first episode. That first episode was pretty good. Not great, but decent. Decent enough for to pick up the next episode the following day. That second show was even better and now I'm hooked in. Amazingly this pattern would continue as each show would be better than the show concluded with the 'KILL THEM ALL' episode. Baby, can't beat that with a stick. It got to the point I couldn't wait to get home from the job to watch the next show. Sure, I have the entire first season on the DVR and could just sit straight through but I wanted to savor this show.

'Spartacus Blood and Sand' has more violence, more nudity and more sex than probably any show ever made in the history of the universe. In fact before I started watching it I read a comment where some dude mentioned 'If you can get past the sex and violence it's a really good show.' I'm thinking to myself 'what's wrong with that dude? He must be some kind of girlie-man or something.' No, there is so much nudity and violence in the show you actually have to account for it and get past it. It's insane. But nudity and violence do not make for a good show. It's the characters that make this show great. It's the way, in only thirteen episodes, that the creators of this show brought these characters along, found a way to develop these characters into real people and forced the audience to care about their well being, or hope for their unceremonious demise as the case may be.

If someone were stupid enough to give me some money and let me make me a movie, that cat in the corner, Peter Mensa, would be in every movie I'd make. For no other reason than the man is big, mean and ugly and he can act. THIS IS MADNESS!!!

Apparently STARZ is readying a sequel, which I will not watch because it cannot get any better than KILL THEM ALL!!! Where in the hell do you go after that? Downhill, that's where you go. On a sadder note let's hope that Spartacus star Andy Whitfield beats the cancer that has stricken him and gets back to making the follow up to this show that I will not be watching. Best show ever. Sorry Sopranos and The Boondocks. Still love you though.

Sympathy for the pedophile.

2010-07-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

I finished watching the movie 'The Ghost Writer' mainly because it came so highly recommended by so many film critics and film watchers alike. It was a pretty good movie with some interesting plot twists but it was a thriller without a heckuva lot of thrills and it did run unnecessarily long. But I have to be honest with you... if I had known that convicted raping pedophile Roman Polanski had directed it, I probably wouldn't have watched it. I know this makes me look bad. I'm close minded and narrow minded. Seriously, this was over thirty years ago... get over it already. It was the 70's, the age of free love... sexually abusing kids was cool back then. Besides she consented. 13 year old girls make all kinds of wise critical decisions. Plus this cat made 'Chinatown' which should give him some leeway when it comes rape and pedophilia. No... no sir it does not. Roman Polanski is a convicted rapist and a pedophile, these simple facts are not up for debate, and after brokering a favorable plea deal he fled like bitch and has been on the run ever since. Still making movies, living the dream... as long as he doesn't venture over to the United States.

The main reason I had to write this was because after I read back my required review of 'The Ghost Writer' each time I referenced Polanski I prefaced his name with 'pedophile' or 'rapist' or 'child molester' which while completely true probably wasn't appropriate for that article. Since it was clear I had some things to deal with, I'll deal with it here.

It case you don't know the story a mother, who is not without blame, brings her 13 year old daughter to Jack Nicholson's crib for a photo shoot, Polanski plies the girl with booze and drugs and rapes her. Not statutory rape... rape. He's convicted, he flees. That's not cool. Over the years a lot of sympathy has been shunted Polanski's way by some of his Hollywood colleagues, particularly after his arrest in Switzerland where a petition was passed around and signed by some of his famous contemporaries to set the man free. Whoopi Goldberg made the comment that he should probably be exonerated since it wasn't 'rape-rape'. Whatever the hell 'rape-rape' is as opposed to not so bad 'rape' or maybe the even more abhorrent 'rape-rape-rape'. Washington post writer Anne Applebaum, who is clearly insane, comments that Polanski 'Did not know her real age', she mentions that Polanski had a rough upbringing being a child of the holocaust and pointed out that he's already paid his debt to society 'through lawyers fees' among other things. Hmmm, ignorance... not an excuse. Rough childhood... not an excuse. And having a lot of money to pay for lawyers doesn't equate to time served. But then that's just silly old me talking crazy.

Did Polanski deserve an Academy Award for 'The Pianist' back in 2003? Probably, it was a good movie. Did he deserve a freaking standing ovation? Hell no. What's wrong with these people? Jack Nicholson didn't stand. He's apparently opposed to forty year old dudes drugging and raping thirteen year old girls in his house. Asshole. A standing ovation for a bitch-ass rapist pedophile. Maybe if he had choked the little girl to death they would've awarded him the keys to the city.

Jack Booted Thugs - Reborn!

2010-07-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

One of the hot videos floating around is the one of those Georgia cops responding to a call from a fearful 57-year-old school teacher afraid that there was a prowler on her premises. Her reward for calling the police for 'help' was getting tazed repeatedly while begging them to stop electrocuting her.

This particular incident is just another in a long line of incidents of Local Law enforcement 'assisting' the public via electrocution. One of my favorites is the story of the man who called EMS for his grandmother... oh... read the sad tale for yourself... with some of these reckless tazings leading to death. You would think typing the words 'taser' 'old' and 'woman' into your favorite search engine would just lead you to some really strange porno sites as opposed to a list of articles and videos of cops actually tasing old women.

This is happening to the level where its clearly become a problem so the question is why do we have this upswing of manual police electrocutions taking place? Well, there the 'Hangover Factor' where it was really, really funny watching Bradley Cooper and his crew get repeatedly electrocuted by those Las Vegas cops in that movie. Of course our heroes were fine in the next scene a few minutes later and thus maybe these officers are unaware of the consequences of manual electrocution and maybe should stop watching wacky comedies.

Then there's the 'bitch-ass-punk' factor. A friend of mine... not me because I don't think this... but a friend mine pointed out that almost every bitch-ass-punk he knew in high school grew up to become a cop. Thus years of self worth and self-confidence issues are instantly resolved the minute they strap that gun to their hip. And since these bitch-ass-punks were bullied relentlessly in high school, they in turn bully old sick ladies with their portable electrocution devices, as a sort of revenge since they were such bitch ass punks back in the day. That's what he said, not me.

I tend to lead towards the 'Ease of Use /Lack of Consequence' factor. Here in Detroit our cops don't carry tasers, they only carry .45's. So if I have a .45 I'm going to seriously give it some thought before pulling it out and blowing you clean away. I'll do it, but I'm gonna give a little thought first. Not so much if I have a taser. At the slightest hint of a ruckus, instead of using the training that I was given to calm a situation down, I'm going whip out my device and electrocute you. Note that every time I shock you with my electrocution device you will bounce around on the floor like a dying fish which I will take as an 'aggressive movement' which is threatening my 'safety' which will force me to you shock again and again until you stop moving aggressively. Besides, it's just a few thousand volts as opposed to a bullet so you will recover. Eventually. Unless you die.

I used to think these things were a good alternative to assisting our beleaguered officers in keeping the peace, that is opposed to getting clean blown away but it appears I was wrong. I didn't figure on the 'I'm too lazy to do my job' factor which ultimately leads to the quick decision to electrocute on sight. Personally, I'll take my chances with a semi-literate cop trying to talk me out of situation with his holstered .45 than electrocuting me on sight.

Be a Fan of Totally Twisted Flix! Pleeeze....

2010-06-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

Friends, Colleagues, Countrymen... this is your lucky day. People often ask me (not really) where they can catch my television show 'Totally Twisted Flix', the only TV Show in existence (to our knowledge) that only focuses on movies that are released Straight to DVD that is now in its THIRD season of production. The thing is not everyone subscribes to Dish Network which means they don't have Colours TV. And even those that do subscribe often don't make the journey all the way down to channel 9407 to watch this amazingly glorious television show. Well all of that is about to change. Kind of. In a way.

Introducing the Totally Twisted Flix Facebook Fanpage! Now this just isn't some randomly generated fanpage my friends, even though it may look that way, but as a Fan of Totally Twisted Flix not only will you be blessed with valuable clips lifted from the show featuring hard hitting reviews of important Straight to DVD movies... we're talking about life affirming films such as 'Ninja Cheerleaders' and 'The Watermelon Heist'... but fans of 'Totally Twisted Flix' will also get exclusive content that even those fifteen to twenty people who actually watch the show don't have access to. You know how you go to the club and see those jerkoffs behind the velvet ropes with the babes and the bodyguards? That's you now baby!

But wait... There's More! Also as a fan you will be automatically entered into drawings to receive valuable, valuable gifts and prizes! For instance our first giveaway will feature a DVD Player... crazy new tech I know... but it will also be bundled with the invaluable 5 twist flick... wait for it...

VAMPIRE ASSASSIN!!!

Maybe the worst movie ever made! You can't beat that with a stupid stick. In addition to the crazy new tech and terrible movie giveaways you might also score some Twisted schwag such as T-shirts, coffee mugs and all kins of cools stuff. Plus we listen to you. We have special shows that often air, like the Steven Seagal special or the Tony Todd / Lance Henricksen special. We've done shows featuring Straight to DVD sequels of theatrically released movies, action shows, zombie shows, hot babe shows, shows featuring good actors who have fallen to darkside of Straight to DVD... So if you have an idea for a special show or even have a movie that you feel we need to watch to put on a future show... let us know because we listen and we care. Heck, if you have a video camera and can halfway put a sentence together we might even put your video review on a show... but don't hold me to that... gotta talk to Encode Media Group to get the okay on that one, but if it was just up to me...

I know what you're thinking... How much is this huge amount of goodness going to cost me? Well, that's best part because it's FREAKING FREE!!! Unbelievable! So don't wait, become a fan NOW! If the phones are busy just keep trying! Your future awaits you.

Be a Fan Now!!!

Grid Locked!

2010-06-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

Haven't updated the FCU in the last couple of weeks, mainly because we haven't watched a movie in the last couple of weeks because we have been in Super Sunny Los Angeles California covering the Electronic Entertainment Expo. After spending a week in Los Angeles I have to seriously question why anyone would actively pursue living there unless you have an affinity towards concrete, overcrowding and traffic. And exorbitantly high liquor prices. And ten percent sales tax. And having four roomates. And no pro football team. Now if you like those things then L.A. is a virtual dreamland but I don't really care for high sales tax and constant traffic gridlock so me and L.A. didn't get along that well, but of course to each his own.

It took our crew almost two hours every day to make it from Studio City to downtown, despite the fact that Studio City is, what... fifteen miles away from downtown? And it really doesn't seem to matter what time of day either. You would think that at 11:00 A.M most folks would be at work, but not in Los Angeles because these poor people are sitting on a freeway going only heaven knows where. Imagine, if you are sitting in traffic for two hours to where you have to go and two hours to return, in six days that would equate to one whole day of your life wasted sitting in traffic and the citizenry of this city deal with this every single day. It has to be driving them crazy. Has to be.

Of course the weather is very nice though there is this smoggy, cancer causing haze covering everything, the ladies are plentiful and pretty as they try to avoid the Porno Pitfalls on their way to stardom and driving the rented Town Car down Laurel Canyon Boulevard was a blast ... but the gridlock... man, talk about a deal breaker. What in the hell was Randy Newman talking about?

A Badassery Amendment

2010-06-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

A few posts back we listed what we thought were the baddest badasses in movie history, or at least out of the movies we've seen. Because of our somewhat narrow badass criteria there were no women on the actual list though a few did make it as honorable mention, but women were missing mainly because most of the female badasses in movies are driven by something outside of simply being badass. Usually it's some form of maternity.

Ah, but then we saw Donnie Yen's latest beatemup '14 Blades' which features this woman here, former Miss Hong Kong Kate Tsui as the character of Tuo Tuo. If ever there was a character born into badassness, here she is.

Like a true badass she doesn't say much and what little she does say is either an overt or a thinly veiled threat to kill you. She seems to be angry all of the time for no particular reason, her fighting skills are such that at one point during this movie Donnie Yen's character actually had to run from her and while she is clearly beautiful she never used her beauty to lull her prey into a false sense of security before slaughtering them. It would've been nice if she had done this but apparently she did not feel the need.

So throw Tuo Tuo and her sweet braids on the list my friends, a woman I would marry tomorrow even though I'd be dead five minutes later.

Je'Rean is dead too...

2010-05-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm a Detroiter. Not a native since I came here to go to college twenty years ago by way of St. Louis, met and married a pretty girl and have been here ever since, but I still consider it my home. Just can't get with American League baseball. Detroit has been in the news recently. If the words 'Detroit' and 'News' are used in the same sentence then you know something beyond terrible must have occurred.

This time its about as bad as it gets as seven year old Aiyana Jones was shot to death, by a police officer's stray bullet, in an ill-conceived raid to corral a murder suspect. I imagine there will be a full investigation, the officer who fired the bullet will be reprimanded and probably suspended though I doubt he will serve any time but that will all take care of itself and that's not what we are here to talk about. It's everything else surrounding the death of Aiyana Jones that we are touching upon here today.

Before Aiyana's body hit the ground lawyer Jeffrey Feiger had already filed two law suits against the City of Detroit to 'help the family find closure'. Exactly. Aiyana might be dead but at least somebody's going to paid from it. That's turning a frown upside down where I come from. Aiyana's body might've been on the ground for about a minute before we got visits from both Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Reverend Sharpton was here to deliver Aiyana's eulogy. Why? I think we have enough preachers here in Detroit more than capable enough to deliver an impassioned eulogy, negating the need for us to import preachers from New York City. The cynics amongst us would say that Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were only here to further exploit an already volatile situation to raise public awareness about themselves. But that's what a cynic would say, not me. We're not even going to mention the reality show that was taping all of this. Would the police officers have been so gung-ho if they didn't have to put on a show for the cameras?

My question is who flew in to eulogize Je'Rean Blake? That's the seventeen year old boy who got shot to death for looking at 34 year old Chauncey Owens the wrong way. Chauncey is the reason the reason the police were putting on a show for the cameras and Chauncey is the primary reason that Aiyana is dead. But as far as I know there's no fancy lawyers representing the Blake family, mainly because there's really nobody to sue since Chauncey Blake is probably broke, and there's no New York preachers flying in to eulogize a boy for looking at somebody the wrong way because that happens far too often and offers few exploiting opportunities.

Incompetent police officers tap dancing for a reality TV show shooting a seven year old child is an isolated incident. If a police officer shoots another kid in my remaining days in this city I will be surprised. If I make it out this month without hearing about some knucklehead shooting somebody for something stupid I will be surprised. Out of those two which one do you think is the real problem? The Lawyer is going to paid and paid well, the reverends have left town and found other incidents in other parts of the country to exploit and offer no solutions and Je'Rean Blake is just as dead as Aiyana Jones. But that would be a cynic talking and that's not me.

Oh the Gayness of it all...

2010-05-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

Everybody is all in a tizzy over Newsweek writer Ramin Setoodeh crapping all over poor Sean Hayes and his broadway performance as a straight man in the play Promises, Promises. To sum it up in a sentence the man, a gay dude himself, basically said folks just can't get around a gay man playing a straight man. Personally, I don't think that's entirely true. Sean Hayes could be cast as the next 'Rambo' for all I care, I don't give a damn, but he'd be Jack from 'Will and Grace' playing Rambo not Sean Hayes playing Rambo. I don't think the fact that Sean Hayes was gay in that show, and is gay in real life is the issue there. It's the fact that the character he played was so over-the-top iconically gay (iconically is not a real word by the way) and for sooooo long that's the issue. Eric McCormack was gay on that show too but he doesn't seem to have any issue going back to playing straight characters. I know the man isn't gay in real life but still... He was the straight man on that show, comically speaking, and you just suffered through he and Debra's Messing's tired problems just to get to Jack doing some funny gay stuff.

Take the sad case of Michael Richards. The man will die as Cosmo Kramer and there 's not damn thing he can do about it. He didn't go on that stupid tirade because he's a racist, he did it because he was frustrated at the fact that he is stuck with Cosmo Kramer until he hits the dirt. There are worst things of course than being filthy rich and assoicated with an iconic character on a popular TV show, but one Kramer heckler too many and its raining N-words. When Dave Chappelle spoke about doing his stand up act or walking through the airport with his kids and folks yelling out at him 'I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!', so afraid of being locked into that one little character the man walked away from 50 million dollars on the table. And then smoked a blount.

If I saw Jimmy 'J.J' Walker, right now, walk past my window... what do you think I'd say? you guessed it. DYNOMITE!!!!! I'd run out the house and yell DYNOMITE at Jimmy walker and hope he wasn't packing heat. And Good Times has been of the air for like thirty years. Lucille Ball went to her grave being a ditzy red head but she built an empire, and you would've been fool to underestimate Lucille Ball. And the examples pile up and up.

Can a gay dude sell an audience as a straight dude? I guess he can if he can act. Rupert Everett seems to do okay, that cat on Torchwood seems to do okay. Everybody else just keeps it safe and avoids the issue by staying nice a warm in the closet so they don'th have to worry about it.

The Holy Grail of the Craptastic - Mega Piranha!

2010-04-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Combined, the movie studio known as The Asylum and the Sci-Fi Channel have unleashed upon our eyes some of the worst movies known to mankind. Ed Wood probably wouldn't work for these cats but these two great forces have gotten together and have reached the Zenith of their creative prowess... They have crafted their 'Godfather', their 'Citizen Kane'... They have merged crap, ineptitude, incompetence and entertainment in a way that I don't think it has ever been merged before in the instant classic... 'Mega Piranha'!

While we did a full 'review' of this movie over at the FCU, this movie has so much crap goodliness in it that it deserves further editorializing. First examine the stars of this movie. Paul Logan is a man that can only be termed as an Asylum Day-Player since he shows up in so many of their flicks but his perseverance has paid off as he is given the lead in this movie, and deservingly so. Paul Logan may have attended an acting class, but I'm pretty sure he left that one class early because he had to get to the gym because my man's muscles have muscles. Honestly speaking when battling piranha the size of a tour bus do you want a guy who looks like he can act or a guy who looks like he can kick ass? Case Closed baby.

Then there's Mr. Logan's co-star, the former pop-star Tiffany. The Asylum first dusted off Debbie Gibson for 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus' and now Tiffany for this movie even though I don't think anyone was crying out to see Tiffany back at work, acting no less. If I'm Stacy Q or that chick from Nu Shooz I'm staying by my phone because an acting job can't be too far away. Of course Tiffany had that hit 'I think We're Alone Now'. Well, the reason that Tiffany might be alone today is because it looks like she ate everybody in the room. Truthfully the weight looks pretty good on her. Almost Rubenesque I'd say.

Then when you factor in that Greg Freaking Brady is in this movie... what more can you say? I guess you could say plenty more but we're going to just let it end right there.

But it's not just the stellar cast that makes this film so craptastically fantastic. The special effects are truly suspect, but yet there were plenty of them on hand to behold. I am of the firm belief that even if your special effects should happen to suck, keep going to the well as often as possible because eventually the audience will adjust to them. Case in point, they used this one technique of swooshing and zooming in on almost every scene which was completely worthless, but they kept doing it to the point where it soon became necessary. They also made us watch these useless title cards for every single character in the movie for no other reason than they could. That's called embracing anarchy and that is simply outstanding!

Finally there was the overall 'we don't give a damn' incompetence that was present throughout this great film. The chase scene where the pursuer was observed driving three different makes of automobiles, the scene were the soldier was eaten by piranha which was combined with this scene of shock from the scared scientist looped like five times in a row, Paul Logan kick boxing piranha, piranha eating a destroyer and a nuclear submarine, the captain of this U.S. Destroyer being about fifteen years old with shoulder length slicked back hair, our heroes celebrating the end of the piranha menace even though it looked to me like the majority of them were still alive... and on it goes.

As I told my brother 'Mega Piranha' was perfect crap. He pointed out a bunch of other movies that were worse than this movie but as I informed him, those movies were 'pure crap'. This is 'perfect crap' and perfect crap is completely accidental. You can't set out to do it, you can't plan for it and you can't design it. However every once in a while it just happens, and it when it does... it is magic.

Badassery examined...

2010-03-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

My friends, it is nigh time that we weigh in on who we believe are the baddest badasses in badass history. At least of those movies I've seen. But when examining badassery there are some rather stringent qualifications for one to pass through, a gauntlet of sorts, to achieve total badassery. You see I believe that for the most part a character has to be born a badass and almost relish in badassery. While John McClane is definitely a badass, John McClane would rather not be a badass and just spend quality time with his wife, daughter, on vactation, at the airport... It's just that wherever he is extenuating circumstance cause for him to use his specialized skill set.

Then there's the case of Martin Riggs who we would never deny his place on the mountain of badassery, but if his wife was never murdered then he'd be tending a garden somewhere instead of killing South African's and Gary Busey. Then take Chow Yun-fat's character from 'The Killer' who is a baddass amongst all baddasses, but he is a rather meloncholy for a badass and murder is simply a means to an end, not something he actually enjoys. We also need to examine the relationship of a badass to women. Showing the ability to love is usually the downfall of the badass so generally speaking a true badass should only have a woman around for one thing and one thing only. Though there are exceptions.

Because of this criteria women are difficult to classify as true badasses. Ripley and The Bride are badasses, but both have been saddled with maternal instincts driving their badassery as opposed to baddassery just for sake of badassness. Nonetheless here's is what the staff at the FCU has come up with for their greatest movie badasses in no particular order.

Harry Callahan

It seems to us that Dirty Harry carries a badge, not for his great sense of right or wrong, but because it gives the him freedom to indiscriminately kill, which he'd be doing anyway if he were not a cop. I don't think anyone would argue that Harry had to have been born a badass, his desire for women is so negligable that he's almost asexual, and his taste level for destruction is ridiculous. The only problem with choosing Dirty Harry is that we had to leave a crapload of Clint Eastwood potential badass characters off the list who would easily fit the bill.

Honorable mention: Bill Muny from 'Unforgiven'

Clubber Lang

Before beating Rocky near to death Clubber relentlessly insulted the man, showed Apollo Creed absolutely no respect and then killed Mickey. Worst still he inappropriately propositioned Adrian, and we quote; "Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man!" That ain't cool Clubber. Even though I think Adrian was giving it some thought. Also in this movie Clubber wasn't the one splashing around in the water, hugging dudes in super tightshort shorts like Rocky and Apollo were doing. It is because of the Oscar snub of Mr. T by the fraudelent Acadmey that as of 1982 I no longer recognize this Academy as a viable entity.

Honorable mention: Maggie Fitzgerald from 'Million Dollar Baby'

Sonny Corleone

Before Clubber beat Talia Shire's husband damn near to death in 'Rocky III', her brother Sonny in the Godfather almost beat her husband in 'The Godfather' to death. One of the qualifications, we believe, for being a badass is being borderline pscyhopathic however there was nothing 'borderline' about Sonny Corleone. Sonny did not have the good sense God gave him as he will shoot you, beat you, stab you, kill you and then ask the guy next to him 'Why are we doing this again?' So opressive is the badassery of Sonny Corleone, those thirty or so guys who riddled him with roughly 8,000 bullet holes did so, not because of any particular vitriol, but because they didn't want risk him surviving. What is rarely known is that Don Corleone himself sanctioned this murder of his child. He was trying to force tears but they weren't flowing.

Honorable mention: Tommy DeVito from 'Goodfellas'

Alonzo Harris

Now when they give you the Sonny Corleone treatment to get you off the planet Earth, you are a badass that deserves recognition. It is a fine line between officers Alonzo Harris and Harry Callahan as Both officers of the law believe 'Miranda' is simply the name of an old woman, you really wouldn't want to be partners with either one of these cats with the speparation coming from one doing his thing simply because he is pathological while the other does his thing because he's a greedy murdering bastard. Officer Harris fits our badass criteria of the badass very well despite the fact he is in a relationship with a woman, but he does keep Eva Mendes pregnant, naked and constantly tucked away in a bedroom in a crappy part of town. My Man... to quote Alonzo Harris.
Honorable mention: The Lieutenant from 'The Bad Lieutenant'

Eddie Cusack

"If I want your opinion I will beat it out of you". This is what Officer Eddie Cusack told a room full of really mean Columbian murderers as he walked in thier joint to beat the hell out of one of thier captains, and they didn't do a damn thing to stop him. They knew better. Easily the best flick Chuck Norris ever made, Eddie Cusack would have to deal with Columbian drug lords on one side, Italian mobsters on the other side and Cops that refused to help him on both sides, not that he needed their freaking help anyway, in 'Code of Silence', and he would totally kick every single last one of those bastards collective asses. Him and his robot. It's complicated.
Honorable mention: Nico Toscani from 'Above the Law'

Andrew Scott

Ivan Drago doesn't really qualify, despite completely murdering Apollo Creed, because he was bred for destruction against his will where Andrew Scott on the otherhand was born crazy, died crazy, was reanimated crazy only to die crazy one last time again. Somehow they reconnected Andrew's chunky bits from the original Universal Soldier so he could show up in the recent sequel but Andrew Scott was Mary Poppins in that movie compared to the original Andrew Scott we knew and loved. Anytime you confuse a supermarket for the Tet Offensive and the baggage boy looks like Charlie to you, then my friends, you are one crazy badass. Take this bullet to the back with ya.

Honorable mention: T-800 from 'The Terminator' (he wasn't born)

Detective Ma Jun

If you happen to be a fan of Chinese action cinema then no doubt you've seen Flashpoint. If you oblivious to Chinese action cinema then Flashpoint is as good a place as any to start your education. This is a cop who beat a criminal to DEATH... and then proceeded to cuff him. Detective Ma violated the rights of so many criminals in this movie rumor has it that the LAPD uses this movie as a training tape. And the final fight scene in this flick between Donnie Yen and Collin Chou is one for the ages. Pretty much takes up like half the movie. Plus this flick had an exploding turkey.

Honorable mention: Inspector Tequila from 'Hard Boiled'

Slaughter

There are some truly no name taking badasses in blaxploitation... Shaft, Black Belt Jones, Bolt, Sweetback, Dolemite but when deciding to put one on this list it was between Truck Turner and my man Slaughter. Truck Turner is the better movie... by far... but the consumate crown of badassery is worn by Slaughter and Jim Brown. Naked Woman in Slaughter's apartment to get some... she gets shot at. Dude in Slaughter's apartment to help him take down THE MAN... he gets his ass kicked... then they get to work. Think jumping in an airplane will get you away from Slaughter? Think again. Your racist boyfriend hates Slaughter? Well he's going to have to deal with that because somebody's giving up those panties tonight. Shoot him, stab him, slice him or run him down with your car... eventually he and his 4.43 forty time will catch you and kill your ass... check his watch... and its time to squeeze Stella's boobs again. Later.

Honorable mention: Truck Turner of course

King Leonidus

Some may question good King Leonidus' inclusion on this list, especially considering he is virtually whipped by his Queen... but when one takes into consideration that she too could concievably be on this list, Leonidus gets a pass on love. Who is harder than King Leonidus? Nobody, that's who. All the man wants for Christmas is to die. How many hundreds of thousands of super gentically mutated soldiers is it this cat going to have to murderizebefore they can find the right combination to give this man the one glorious thing he desires most? Today seemed like a good day to die. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day.

Honorable mention: William Wallace from 'Braveheart'

Dalton

With jeans that tight and hair that coiffed... I mean Jimmy, a total badass in his own right, used to f@#k guys like Dalton in prison every day so you would have to be some kind of serious badass to get on this list with those limitations weighing you down but Dalton pulled it off. Pain don't hurt baby... be nice until its time not be nice which in 'Road House' was all the damn time. We hope you are not too attached to your trachea because Dalton is ripping it out, as Jimmy would soon find out. It's Jimmy's missing trachea that keeps him off of this list. You would think that Dalton's love of the terminally tanned Doc would keep him off this list, especially since she was so repulsed after seeing Dalton rip out Jimmy's Trachea, but when she found Dalton later, standing over a half dozen more dead bodies, we learned that she was apparently disgusted that he simply hadn't killed enough people yet since the next scene showed them splashing in the water all naked and happy and stuff. A girl that passes the badass test of true love.

Honorable mention: Pvt. Joe Armstrong from 'American Ninja'

Oh Dae Su

Admittedly Oh Dae Su is probably a badass more because of his external influences but if you have seen Chan-wook Park's all time great classic 'Old Boy' I think we all can admit that at the very least Oh Dae Su was an asshole well before he was kidnapped and held captive for fifteen years. Why did someobdy kidnap my man and hold him captive for fifteen years? Well, that's rather complex but he did practice things like punching brick walls during this time. Does fifteen years of practicing how to fight make one a great fighter? Yes it does, as you will see in easily one the best 'one versus a bunch' fight scenes ever filmed. Oh Dae Su does a lot of other completely badass stuff in this movie, such as eating live octopi and self-mutilation with the reasons behind this self mutilation being reasons that only a badass could begin to understand.

Honorable mention: Geum-ja Lee from 'Lady Vengeance (maternity rears it's ugly head)

Bone

One of those unconscious criminals back there is Kimbo Slice. That alone cements Bone, in the first scene from the movie 'Blood and Bone' as a badass as some note but the ass kickings were only about to begin. Bone would mow down, eviscerate, round house kick, pointy elbow, deliver devastating knee smashes to the face to some of the biggest, toughtest and meanest MoFo's around, and perform this devastati0n in shirts that were either two sizes too small or in no shirt at all in a movie that could very well be the best Straight to DVD movie ever made. And while Bone had a good reason for kicking all that ass, we still had the feeling he would still be kicking that ass even if it was just to pass the time.

Honorable mention: Creasy from 'Man on Fire'

Charlie Storm

Come on man... this cat shot Ronald Reagan dead. Some dude thought he was safe from Charlie and his fellow hitman Lee by hiding out in a school for the blind. Well guess what, Blind People have nerve endings too. Angie Dickinson thought that being super fine might help help her get by, but all her beauty got her was dangled out of a thirty five story window. He woould've dropped her too if she didn't give up the info because Charlie didn't give a damn. Charlie Storm in the movie 'The Killers' was so mean, so brutal, so unfeeling and so impersonal about the whole process that this is the reason that this picture right here is my cellphone wallpaper. I love this guy. But he doesn't love me. Or you. Or anybody.

Honorable mention: Jack Browning (the prez) from 'The Killers'

Jules Winfield

As you can plainly see the man is a connoisseur of fine foods, he knows a gourmet cup of coffee when he tastes one, he knows his Bible (not really), but most importantly when the job needs to be done Jules Winfield gets the job done, and he gets it done with extreme prejudice. Or at least he used to. While we are completely comfortable with the knowledge that Vincent Vega is dead somewhere on a crapper, we are very uncomfortable with the knowledge that somewhere Jules Winfield is wandering the earth butchering Bible quotes as he does what he truly believes is Gods' work.

Honorable mention: Ordell Robbie from 'Jackie Brown'

Tony Montana

I don't know man... can somebody conceivably do one of these lists without putting this loon on it? The question is has anybody really had a better film career than Al Pacino? Great Actor, but alas, when he won that Oscar for the putrid Scent of a woman, I was like 'look Tony Montana just won an Academy Award! Good for him.' Sure he was in three Godfather movies, Serpico, Heat, Cruising... Any Given Sunday... Whatever. If I am ever lucky enough to meet Tony Montana, I would be polite, tell the man what a fan I am of his work and then break it down with my rendition of 'Say Hello to my little friend... You wanna play rough!' Somewhere deep inside Al Pacino weeps and regrets the day that he ever met Brian DePalma.

Honorable mention: Al Capone from 'The Untouchables'

Colonel Quaritch

There's hard... and then there's Colonel Miles Quaritch Hard. While the movie Avatar was filled with charicatures, there was no bigger characiture, maybe ever, than Colonel Quaritch. Oxygen? Maybe you need oxygen but Colonel Quaritch needs to kill your ass first. If time allows, then he will breathe. Plastic Surgery? Yeah... after the surgeon is done making you all pretty, why not just have him etch 'bitch' on the back of your neck. Plus I could kind of see his point of view no matter how evil they tried to make my man. I mean it's just a tree. There are trees all over place, just move into a new one. No? How about a Napalm sandwich then? Oh, they're moving pretty good now aren't they. Oh Colonel Quaritch... If there is a sequel to Avatar we won't be seeing it because you won't be in it. Wait, that's a spoiler for that one person somewhere in Utah who hasn't seen this damn movie yet.

Honorable mention: Col. Nathan Jessup from 'A Few Good Men'

The FCU is down...

2010-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

But only temporarily it would seem. This is what happens when you register a domain with one company and host it at another. Apparently the FCU domain name expired on Feb 28th, thanks for the 411 Hoskey... no thanks to Yahoo Domains who failed to alert a brother of this, and are impossible to reach and navigating their website is even more difficult. Remember the good old days when you could call somebody? Anyway, then we had to go through the incredibly painful process of transferring the domain from Yahoo to GoDaddy who hosts the site, who also offers no one a simple stroll in the park, but the domain is locked and needs to be unlocked for this to take place, but we can't get in to the domain because its expired... it's complexities are mind boggling.

Once the hoops of unlocking the site were jumped through came the multi step process of actually transferring the name, and reassigning DNS and all other kinds of nonsense. Heaven only knows when this is going to be complete. I mean there are at least a good two or three people out there who read us regularly who need their daily dose of typo ridden madness and we can't give it to them. It's an outrage.

Still Dead...

2010-02-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is the follow-up to 'Why Must the Black Guy Die...' pulled from this seasons episode of Totally Twisted Flix which further examines the pheomenah of African American Death in horror movies. We present to you... 'Still Dead'. Note that this is completely tongue in cheek because if they stop killing Black people in horror movies then Black people probably wouldn't get work in horror movies and I've heard a rumor that Black actors like to eat and pay their rent so keep that murderization coming and keep a brother employed. Think you can name all the movies that we pulled these clips and stills from?

Why must the Black Guy Die...

2010-02-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

I got a little Totally Twisted Flix treat for you. For this third season of the show, yes three seasons of a television show and we still exist in complete anonymity, we have made a music video follow-up to a show from the first season examining African American Death in Straight to DVD horror movies. But before I bless you with this video of EXTREMELY suspect quality, which will follow in a couple of days, I'm going to give you this video clip from the first season a few years back, which will serve as a primer of sorts and ease you in. This here is in the vein of a slam style poetry recital, minus all of the social relevance.

Which fan suffers more?

2010-01-25T05:34:00.000-08:00

As another football season nears its conclusion I ask this question which I have posed before. It has been established that I am a fan of the Detroit Lions, and note that with the Saints going to the Super Bowl there is but one lone team in the NFC that has yet to make an appearance in that glorious game. I'll let you guess who that one team is. Anyway, it is no scoop that the Lions suck. But lets examine the Vikings for a moment. For almost my entire life as a football fan, and I've been around for a bit now, the Minnesota Vikings have almost always put out a competitive product, with a lot of their teams being just flat out amazing. The Purple People Eaters of the 70's, Joey Browner's Viking teams of the 80's, the unstoppable Randall Cunningham team of the 90's and now this team here. I thought the collapse by the '98 team was bad but this one might've been even worse. I was pulling for the Saints to win because I thought it would be good for New Orleans and two weeks of being bombared by Brett Favre hyperbola might've pushed me over the edge but as the game was coming to its end it seemed to me that the best team in that game will be at home watching the BIG game yet again.

Did the Detroit Lions disappoint me by winning two games this year and zero games the year before? No, not really. I wanted them to do well but it is no shock that they did not. But the Vikings... The Vikings bring their fans to such heights, to such lofty expectations only to drop those poor fans off the proverbial cliff year after year after year. This has to be some kind of torture. How in the world does a Viking fan deal with this? When the Vikings had the ball on the Saints thirty-whatever there was no doubt in my mind, as a non-Viking fan, that Ryan Longwell was going to come in, nail that 50+ yard kick and the Vikings would be going to the Super Bowl. A Viking fan probably knew better than to think that. A Viking fan probably knew that somehow, someway something would happen to screw it all up. This fan knew that despite the fact their team had outplayed the Saints in almost every concievable facet of the game, tried like hell throughout the game to give it away and yet were still poised to win it at the end... this fan feared that this team that he or she loves would find a way let them down. Epic fail, yet again. With maybe a touch of help from the refs.

I suppose in the long run it is better to have repeated events of crushed high hopes than no hope at all. I suppose. Given a choice would you rather be pathetic (Lions fan) or tragic (Vikings fan). It's no fun being pathetic but I don't dig being tortured either.

Top eleven of 2009...

2010-01-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

Personally I'm not into doing top ten lists but somebody somewhere told me I should compile something. But to show how I Stick It To The Man I'm doing a top eleven. Obviously this is a list of only the movies I've seen in 2009 and also note that I do not differentiate from theatrical releases and Straight to DVD releases as they are just movies to me.

11. Outlander

Here you have a movie that cost 50 million dollars to make and according to Box Office Mojo raked in a little more than 100k which just might make Outlander the biggest flop in movie history. Sure Waterworld was a flop but it still made almost 90 million bucks. But recognize that I love me monster movie and Outlander was a damn good monster movie. The premise of Vikings vs. Spacemen might've been a little wacky but a monster movie has to be all about the monster and the monster in this flick was angry, bitter, vengeful, violent and damn near invincible. If you like common sense then look elsewhere but if enjoy angry monsters eating vikings... look no further.

10. Strictly Sexual

As much as I love me a monster movie I don't love romantic comedies or romance movies in general, basically because the genre rigidly sticks to a basic formula... but not this one baby. There was something about this tale of a couple of unemployed construction workers moving into a villa owned by a couple of smoking hotties and charging them for sex that just felt authentic. Admittedly what I just described right there doesn't sound all that plausible but credit to the filmmakers for turning that crazy concept into a moving, emotional and highly entertaining tale of fractured people trying to put it all together.

9. District 9

I don't like watching any movie more than once but this nutty SciFi epic out of South Africa almost requires a second viewing to fully absorb all that is going on in this movie. District 9 is littered with allegorical parallels, historical references, political references with all of this exposition taking place in a world filled with some of the most imaginative looking aliens ever designed, mech suits, space weapons and might we also add that District 9 could be the most viscerally violent movie of 2009 to boot. This is a movie that takes us out of our comfort zone of how we expect movies to transpire and takes us to places that is often times very uncomfortable. Love District 9 or hate District 9, it was a different kind of movie.

8. Blood and Bon e

What more could anybody want from a movie? Kimbo Slice, that fancy talking brother from 'Oz', a Nona Gaye sighting and The Spawn round house kicking suckers to the head. Repeatedly. Michael Jai White is a man with no name, or at least not much of a name, rolling into a world very similar to those worlds that Clint Eastwood used to roll into in his spaghetti western days, with a big dirty city taking the place of a dusty old western town. The action is fierce, the fighting fantastic, the bad guys are terrible and Michael Jai White STILL can't find a shirt that fits properly.

7. The Merry Gentleman

Michael Keaton's directorial debut, at least from where I'm standing, was a rousing, unparalleled success. This methodically paced story about a suicidal tailor / hitman and the battered woman on the run who he is drawn to, a woman who might very well be a witness to one his murder gigs is all about character and mood. The mood is stark, dark and depressing, the characterizations provided by Keaton and Kelly McDonald are flawless and the performances are amongst the best of the year.

6. Precious

What was most remarkable about this heartbreaking film from director Lee Daniels, a movie that had the potential, due it's horrific subject matter, to be the most depressing movie in the history of everything, is that the director found a way make his movie almost hopeful and joyful. Almost. A make-up free Mariah Carey, a guitar free Lenny Kravitz, a joke free Monique and a star making turn from Gabby Sibide made for one of the most engrossing and heart tugging dramas of the decade. But I didn't cry... at least until Paula Patton's character revealed herself to be a lesbian.

5. Star Trek

After seeing J.J. Abrams re-invention of Star Trek my boy Andre barely made it out of the theater before calling me up on the phone gushing about 'the best movie ever made!' I had already seen it at a critics preview of course and I had told him beforehand that the movie was great and shouldn't be missed, but he just wanted me to know that I should've included that this was the 'best movie ever made!'. While I probably wouldn't go that far this version of Star Trek sure was a kick in the ass. In a summer that had Transformers (booo), John Conner's, Wolverines, G.I. Joes and 2012 ending the earth J.J. Abrams showed those clowns exactly what a big time popcorn munching summer blockbuster is supposed to be like.

4. The Hurt Locker

The harshness of reality doesn't get any more stark than Kathryn Bigelow's version of Modern Warfare as we follow a bomb squad who have heeded the Call of Duty and observe how possibly the most stressful job on the planet earth is affecting these soldiers fighting this battle. As a movie The Hurt Locker is barren and open, allowing the audience to almost peer into the souls of these characters, characters who are played pitch perfect in their presentations by actors Brian Geraghty, Anthony Mackie and Jeremy Renner. Plus my main man David Morse was in this movie for minute, best cameo ever, and David Morse at this point in his lenghty career can do no wrong. Be warned, this is not an action movie, it as methodically paced and forces you to pay attention otherwise it will lose you. Say unlike...

3. Avatar

What can be said that hasn't been said already. I mean have there been other movies that people have seen that made them so depressed their lives suck in comparison to the beauty of Pandora that they've contemplated commit suicide? My fear is that these same people, after choosing life, will hunt me down for not making Avatar #1 on my list. Good thing nobody knows I exist. This is a movie that is an experience all unto itself, especially if you choose go with the 3D IMAX option, and should be seen by everybody on the planet, even if you are a right wing ECO hating, native exploiting, unobtanium hoarding warhawk with a rocket launcher. Michelle Roduiguez bouncing around in 3D IMAX in a way too tight T-shirt didn't hurt either. No, there is no subtelty in this tale and it is not the most original story ever told and we wouldn't reccomend that you attempt to 'deconstruct' this narrative either... but it's not about any of that. Cameron does it yet again.

2. Taken

I guess this came out in 2009. At least I didn't see it until 2009. What I do know is that Taken is quite possibly the best action movie of the decade. Movies don't get much simpler than this. They take his daughter, he's angry, he has skills and he kills pretty much everybody in the movie. These dudes who get wasted are equally angry but unfortunately they lack the skills. Sucks to be them. Director Pierre Morel is an action directing savant and he uses an ancient Liam Neeson to maximum of his abilities. There are no twists in this movie, there are no attempts at clever dialog, it is straight forward, linear, and we are not saddled with watching some filmmaker trying to show us 'what he can do'. It is simply laid out and asks you to either 'love it or leave it'. We loved it. Absolutely.

1. Black Dynamite

Was there ever really and doubt? I don't know how many of you out there have had the misfortune of reading my nonsense but if you have then you know that this one here is a no-brainer. 'Black Dynamite' just might be my favorite movie ever, threatening to take the spot long held by John Woo's 'The Killer'. Are there better movies out there than this send up of the Blaxploitation genre? I resist calling it a 'spoof' because it is a legitimate Blaxploitation movie, but sure there are better movies out there. Truth be told it is probably the worst movie on this list. Have I ever had more fun sitting in a theater seat. Never ever. Ever. The problem with 'Black Dynamite' is that is that its target audience is probably too narrow. If you don't have a unique love and understanding of the genre it is paying homage to, then this movie won't mean all that much to you. I think one can still enjoy it because of the love and artistry involved in making it and the thalent of the actors in this film... but for 'Black Dynamite' to take you away... you probably have to know Petey Wheatstraw on a first name basis.

Ray Parker Jr... Action Star!

2009-12-30T08:28:00.000-08:00

It is late to ask but this is what I want for Christmas people out there in the world who I don't know. I want this movie right here! So I'm sitting around listening to some Raydio, 'For Those Who Like to Groove' in particular which got to me thinking about my main man Ray Parker Jr. Before 'Ghostbusters' brought Ray into national prominence and completely destroyed his career he was one helluva an R&B heavyweight back in the day, so I curious to see what Ray had been up to lately.

As it turns out my man is still alive and making music but what go my blood a pumpin' was this movie 'Enemy Territory'. How come I didn't get the memo that Ray was in a 1980's Lethal Weapon type action flick? How in the hell did this slip by me? My next order of business was to acquire this movie by any means available. Went to Netflix but the idiots behind this movie haven't felt the need to turn it into a DVD. Have you seen the stuff they put on DVD? But not this movie, mainly because I want it. There is some cat selling an old VHS version on Amazon for ninety bucks but... well... I don't want to see the movie that badly. I suppose I could use some less than legal means to try to track down this flick but last time I clicked on a torrent link a few years ago I had to format my hard drive.

Oh well. It looks like we will have to appreciate Ray via old music videos, such as this one, one of my favorite Ray Parker Jr. joints, 'I Can't get Over Loving You'. Possibly the most disturbingly violent music video of all time.

My Blind Side...

2009-12-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

I recently got back from seeing the movie 'The Blind Side' mainly because folks were telling me how great this movie was. Personally, I didn't care it for it all that much, some of the reasons I touched on back at the main site but it did get me to thinking about my days as a football player so many years ago. The movie talks about how important a Left Tackle is to a Quarterback and this is true. I was a Right Tackle but my quarterback was left handed. Mark Ahn, one of my very best friends in high school and one of my very best friends to this day was our QB and it was my job to protect his blind side. Unfortunately for Mark his blind side protector wasn't all that good.

I could mention that some of this poor play could be attributed to the fact that our football coach ran a bar and on the Friday nights before our Saturday afternoon games he would often entertain a few of his favorite players and serve us... I mean them... an alcoholic beverage or two, but I'm not going to mention that because that might've been against the law, even in the loose fitting mid 80's.

Anyway my good friend Mark spent an awful lot of time on his back or face planted in the mud and every once in a while we would see poor Mark lying on the ground with his neck twisted at odd angles. It was often amusing watching Mark scurrying around in the backfield running for his life eventually tossing one of his many interceptions. In retrospect I realize I probably should've been blocking somebody instead of watching my QB run for his life, but that is in retrospect.

Still, I always had my boys back. Every once in a while one of those sackers would get a little too frisky in slamming my QB to the ground and I was always the first to pull that loser off of my boy and totally eviscerate them. I was one of the toughest, meanest cats around after whistle blew baby, it was in between whistles where I struggled a little bit.

Ahh... memories. I'm sure Mark looks back fondly on those good old days, just as I do, as he struggles to get out of bed every morning.

I did give it an effort...

2009-11-13T05:43:00.000-08:00

It's Thursday, the NFL network is kicking off its Thursday Night Football schedule and as Terrel Owens has advised me to do, I got my popcorn ready to watch Jay Cutler and Alex Smith have an exciting interceptions battle. I knew before hand that Former Lions GM Matt Millen, a man who in eight infamous years took my once gloriously mediocre franchise and turned them into the worst organization in the history of professional sports, was calling the game. But I'm over that. Just glad that loser is gone and hope that the new Lions regime can one day return us back to mediocrity.

What I didn't expect, apparently, was that Matt Millen would actually open his mouth during the broadcast. Totally didn't see that coming. Blindsided. It took as long as the first play from scrimmage when Alex Smith threw a sideline pass to Michael Crabtree who made a spectacular play on the ball with Millen chiming in with 'Crabtree's got that 'it' factor'. How in the hell would this clown know? Forgive me but as a Lions fan I'm not respecting this dudes opinions on wide recievers too much. If I was Michael Crabtree I'd be scared to death this idiot just gave me a 'vote of confidence'.

I believe this is a unique situation in that I can't recall any other coach or executive or player even who, after screwing up a team all to hell, goes to the broadcast booth to torture the poor populace even further. Chiefs fans might feel this way about Herm Edwards but he did give them a winning season. For the most part bad players, coaches and executives fade away into obscurity since no one is all that interested in hearing what they have to say. Imagine Dan Snyder selling the Redskins then showing on up NFL Network to give sage advice on the proper way to run a football team. I don't think Redskins fans would like that too much.

The good thing for Matt Millen is that this lack of credibility that he has rightfully earned only affects people within about a 150 mile radius of the city of Detoit since NBC, ESPN and the NFL Network had no qualms at all about hiring this bozo. He's on TV more now than he was before he was gifted five million a year by the Fords to run the Lions into the ground. Of course you can't blame Millen for taking all that money for a job he had no qualifications for and no clue how to execute and who would get progressively worse at the job the longer he was on the job, but who wouldn't take five mil/per? You give me forty million dollars and I give you all my credibility. I'd take that deal, though Millen didn't even lose that. Matt Millen just might be proof positive that God loves some of us more than others.

Don't let them do it God...

2009-11-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

Some forty years ago there was this movie directed by Joseph Sargent called 'Colossus: The Forbin Project' and if you haven't had the chance to see this minor cult sci-fi classic you should track it down and check it out. 'Colossus' is a deliberately paced, well thought out, well crafted science picture film chronicling Dr. Forbin's (Eric Braden) missile defense machine arbitrarily deciding that man is not fit to handle his own fate and thus takes matters into its own hands. Simple enough. Now this is somewhat old news but we hear that the Hollywood powers that be are planning a remake of this film and we are here to say that this time they must be stopped. At all costs. I realize remakes and retreads and the like are the way to go but a 'remake' of this movie is a no-win situation. First off the movie was done right the first time and more so the Matrix series and the Terminator series have wrung the whole man vs. machine thing dry. Besides there is almost no discernable action in 'Colossus' since it's all dialog and theory with most of the destruction taking place off screen. There's a little violence as Colossus needs to prove a point here and there and there was a touch of sex as we observed how Dr. Forbin cleverly maneuvered Dr. Markahm (Susan Clarke) into the sack, but otherwise, without completely rewriting the movie, I don't know how this would fly with modern audiences.

But while are completely, totally and unshakably opposed to a remake, we do fully support a sequel. Imagine what the world would look like forty years under Colossus rule. There would now be an entire generation that know of nothing except rule under the thumb of Colossus. There are no more borders and thus there are no more wars and thus the world is at complete and total peace. Where as the machines in The Matrix were using the humans as a means to an end and the machines in the Terminator where doing everything in their power to get rid of us, Colossus works for what it feels is the best interest of humans. Thus it would be unlikely that Colossus would wipe us out since it feels we need its presence and with out it, it would probably believe that it would serve no purpose.

Now here's where a team of clever storytellers and script writers have to step in and make themselves a movie. Think of the world that a few creative types could create, one that is completely different from the world we know of now. The technology they could create or eliminate because now the focus is no longer profit driven. In fact I would imagine Colossus to be a glorified Communist since the machine would do everything for the good of the state and could care less about the individual. The conflict, of course, is that we are not free and that's not going to fly with a lot of folks. But there are probably even more people who see Colossus rule as a good thing. And we have seen what Colossus does to those who don't toe the line.

The rumor mill has it than Opie Cunningham would direct and the Fresh Prince would star. both those cats are plenty talented and no doubt could pull off this update with Will Smith working out exceptionally well because they could make him the infant son of the Georg Stanford Brown character who Colossus mercilessly dispatched of giving this character a vengeance motive in addition to the whole lack of freedom thing. As a bonus Eric Braden and Susan Clark are still very much alive to reprise their roles.

I know it probably won't happen and if they do decide to redo 'The Forbin Project' it will have car chases and bombs ticking down to triple zero and scenes in strip clubs and melodrama and a happy ending. But for once, powers that be, listen to that small voice in the back of your head... that being me... and take the path less traveled. Imagine the possibilities.

You should know... Todd Jensen

2009-11-06T06:01:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I think I'm gonna pick out some relatively obscure actor and give this guy or gal some props for their hard work in little seen Straight to DVD flicks with today's subject being the hard working actor Todd Jensen. Who is Todd Jensen? Beats the hell out of me but Mr. Jensen has been doing this acting thing for quite a while usually showing up as uptight FBI Agents or Bureaucrats but in three consecutive days I saw three separate movies featuring Mr. Jensen in which he was brutally murdered in each and every one. Man, that's damn good work if you can get it. In the remake of 'It's Alive' Todd was cut to shreds by a new born baby, in the movie 'Train' Todd was vivisectioned and harvested for his valuable internal organs and in the Sci-Fi Original film 'Star Runners' Todd was gored and eaten by a giant bug. But that was only how Todd was brutalized this past weekend because we've seen Todd get murderized in a number of different ways previous to this. Apparently Todd Jensen is your go to guy if you need somebody eaten by a giant bug because this is how bought it in the movie 'Infestation'. Great movie by the way. Then in the movie 'Boogeyman 3' Todd was turned into strawberry jam by giant shadow monster, in the movie 'Nightmare City 2035' Todd made it all the way to the end in that one, but he was the bad guy and I believe he ended up getting his ass disintegrated and then in the movie Mega Snake... well, you can imagine how Todd brought the farm in that one.

Imagine my disappointment when I saw the movie 'Wrong Turn 3', observed Todd Jensen was among the cast full with the joyful knowledge that he was going to get it bad by an inbred cannibalistic hillbilly only to have him show in one scene as an uptight FBI agent and survive. The disappointment was palpable. While we haven't seen the movie 'Bats: Human Harvest' or 'Copperhead' I'm betting Todd gets it good in those.

If Todd is married with children I hope his family appreciates what my man goes through to put food on the table for them. Meet Todd Jensen everybody. A dude who dies so often in horror flicks that you could almost mistake him for a black guy.

The Ependables!

2009-10-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

It takes a lot for something to have an effect on an old bitter man such as myself, one beat down by life's cruelties and gross inequities. But the trailer for the Sylvester Stallone helmed upcoming action flick 'The Expendables' brought me to tears. You see this took me back to a simpler time when I, as a kid, watched tiny men such as Stallone, Mel Gibson and Eddie Murphy, just to name a few, got on the big screen to blow shit up and kick much ass all in the name of BadAss.

Sadly, for the most part, these movies are gone now. The demographic, as it were, no longer has any use for tough men blowing shit up and making sweet love to the ladies. Instead this demographic prefers movies with gay pirates and gay teen vampires or watching young fit boys with lots of makeup dancing in high school halls. What the hell? As such our action stars of the past have faded away. Murphy has dedicated himself to making horrific family films, Gibson, a fine film director, is now better known as an adultering anti-semite and Stallone is freaking sixty five years old. Swarzenegger has abandoned his craft, his true calling, in favor of being a inept politician while the other heroes of the day, such as Lundgren, Seagal, Van Damme and Snipes are relegated to my beloved Straight to DVD Genre.

But now we have 'The Expendables'. That incredibly rare big Hollywood action film blowout that's not a sequel or a remake or based on a comic book. At least that I'm aware of. The small Sylvester Stallone has grabbed the even smaller Jason Stratham and Jet Li and assembled a virtual all-star cast of potential badassness that features Dolph, E-Rob, Bruce Willis, Gary Daniels, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, a bunch of old wrestlers and MFC dudes who, after watching the trailer, looked primed to kill a LOT of foreigners and blow up plenty of shit. Outstanding! Arnold even makes a cameo we are told.

Thanks to the woman over there at Action Chick Flick for turning me on to this trailer and taking me back to a time where a movie didn't have to make any kind of logical sense to be good. Hopefully 'The Expendables' will follow suit but, due to my heightened expectations and considering that 'being disappointed' is actually my middle name, it could all still go straight to hell. We sure hope not.

Limbaugh and the NFL? you've been hoodwinked.

2009-10-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching Sports Center or the NFL Network, had to be one of the two since they're the only two channels I watch and I see that Rush over there is part of group interested in purchasing the St. Louis Rams. Now what's funny about this, and this is just my theory supported only by my own opinions, is that I'm almost dead positive that Rush Limbaugh has no real desire to own an NFL franchise. What little I know about the business of the NFL is that it loves stability, being middle of the road, and will do almost nothing to upset this train driven applecart which has given its 32 owners a license to print money. NFL Commissoner Roger Goodell's main function is to keep this gravy train rolling, just like his predecessor Paul Tagliabue and his predecessor the late Pete Rozelle. This is why when approached with the subject of Limbaugh Mr. Goodell doesn't say anything along the lines of yay or nay because that would mean getting out of the middle of the road. Rush Limbaugh knows this as well as anybody and he knows the NFL owners aren't going to vote in favor of him buying a franchise.

My theory is that Rush must've checked his ratings and observed that they slipped a quarter point or something so he called his boy Al Sharpton and asked Al what's the best way to drum up some controversey. Al probably thought for a bit then came up with; "I know, since it's football season tell 'em you're going to buy a team, that'll drive them totally nuts. And to further let everybody know how 'NOT' serious you are about this, suddenly show up on the TODAY show and give a bunch of combustable interviews where you attack everybody and their momma! I'm talking even old ass Habitat for Humanity Jimmy Carter... Yeah, that'll let everyone know how divisive you can be!"

Of course Al is on board with this because he hasn't been in the spotlight too much after Michael Jackson bought it so its a win-win with Al Sharpton banging the drum the loudest against this thing which will never happen. And it's worked like a charm. Folks are are all upset, the air waves are burning up with both sides yelling at other at the top of their lungs about this thing that will not happen with Rush, a virtual master of self-promotion, laying back, smoking a stogie and taking it all in. I'm even willing to bet the majority of NFL owners are all right-wing Republicans who probably agree with most everyting Rush has to say, but outside of Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones and maybe Arthur Blank these cats really don't like attention, they just want the loot to flow trouble free. If they were to approve Rush owning a team the spotlight switches from Tom Brady and Plaxico to them, and they would not like this. Rush knows this, Al knows this, I just wish everybody else knew this.

Zero and One

2009-09-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

I know this blog thing is alleged to support the FCU website but it's fall and I haven't been sitting on my ass watching many movies lately and have instead been sitting on my ass watching football. When I was a kid NFL opening day was a bigger deal than Christmas Day with my Dad, older brother and eventually even my sister gathering around to break down game film. We loved us some football baby. Now that I'm an old man opening day isn't nearly as important to me as it used it to be but it does still does possess some cache. And this opening day is doubly important because this is the year my Lions rise from the ashes!

Or maybe not. Saints QB Drew Brees and his good friends Colston, Shockey, Henderson, some cat named Bell and some of the fans from the stands played pitch and catch for sixty minutes while my Lions looked on and took notes. Were the Saints malicious they probably could've hung a hundred points on us but they kindly stopped at 45. The Saints spent so much time in the endzone that they should've been charged rent.

Matt Stafford did not like a million bucks times forty after 'winning' the QB job in the pre-season but this is to be expected from a rookie. I am of the opinion that Cullpeppper played better during the pre-season but the Lions future isn't with Daunte Cullpepper and I would've preferred that Coach Schwartz had said as much as opposed to the fallacy that Stafford 'outplayed' the vet during those worthless pre-season games. Besides, the kid had the unique advantage of actually playing and gaining valuble experience then going to the sidelines to observe how a real quarterback approaches the game of football. Outstanding.

As a long time Lions observer it is not uncommon for players to have career days against my team, and you may want to observe how many opposing players grab 'Player of the Week' honors while playing the Lions, as I suspect Drew Brees will be honored this week... though I think playing the Lions should automatically eliminate one from award contention... we were just hoping that things might be a little different this year. It's early and The Saints are really, really good offensively so we aren't slamming the door on the Lions just yet, but it aint looking good.

2009-09-03T07:11:00.001-07:00

God Bless the Internet.

It is because a movie that I recently watched called 'Angel of Death' that I got turned on to Crackle.com as "Angel of Death' started out life as a web series on their sight. This in turn directed me to their rather eclectic list of web shows including ‘Mommy XXX’, a reality show about a porn star trying to raise her kids amidst the always supportive world of adult entertainment. Outstanding. I’ve never heard of this particular porn star Demi Delia but I do see that she is relatively ancient for an adult actress… she’s 40+… a number which relevant to more than just her age… but I imagine this makes her ideal for a certain genre of porn flick, as her IMDB filmography list would suggest and includes what I’m sure will be an instant classic… 'I Came in your Mom'. Outstanding. Actually the show is pretty damn entertaining. I’m talking about ‘Mommy XXX’ here as I have not and have no intentions of watching ‘I Came in your Mom’. Seriously.

There are all kinds of wacky shows on this Cackle.com including one that has Bud Bundy playing a washed up actor. You really can’t beat that with a stick. There is so much ‘legitimate’ entertainment streaming on web from Hulu to Fear.Com and other free sites that if you’re lucky enough to have a VGA port on the back on your TV, as my new energy sucking plasma TV does, you almost don’t need a TV service. The only thing I watch on TV anyway is NFL Total Access, Sports Center and football games.

God Bless the Internet.

What happens to a dream deferred...

2009-08-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

Years ago when working as a valet parking cars in my native St. Louis a particular car I jumped in was playing on it's cassette 'The Velocity of Love' by Suzanne Ciani. This particular car also had what looked to be a pound of weed wedged into its glove compartment, but that's another story for another time. Regardless, hearing this song was a revelation as I, at the time, considered myself to be some kind of musician and through this woman's music I had finally discovered the kind of sound I was meant to compose.

I brought every album this woman had made up to that point and dedicated myself to becoming a NewAge keyboard player. Yes, this is when people actually went to the store and paid for records. The unfortunate truth of the matter was that as a musician I couldn't carry Suzanne Ciana's jock strap, that is if she actually had the need for one... which I don't believe she does... but you get my point.

I mention this because a couple of days ago while cleaning out some old junk I stumbled upon my long forgotten, long neglected debut CD. Oh those were the days when me, my JV1080 and Cakewalk would crash Windows 98 time and time again. These days, as life has tragically passed me by, I only play the piano on rare church occasions or when I need music for some production and loops or stock music won't do but there was a time when I had New Age dreams my friends. I think I did song this about nine or ten years ago and we called it 'Something April Likes' because it was something that April liked. I'm not sure how this Streampad MP3 player thing works but I think you might have to skip past the Johnny Sokko Theme to get this song.

GO LIONS!!!

2009-08-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

Not that this is a sports blog or anything but I am a sports fan and at one time I was a pretty damn good athlete. In fact many people likened my basketball skills to that of Michael Jordan. No joke. That is if Jordan couldn't jump, run, shoot, dribble or pass. Otherwise or games were virtually identical. But we're here right now to talk about my team... the Detroit Lions. This past weekend I fired up my energy sucking, enviroment destoryig Plasma TV and watched my Lions play the Cleveland Browns in totally worthless pre-season football in glorious HD and my Lions looked TERRIBLE. Matthew Stafford looked TERRIBLE. Daunte Culpepper looked okay and Drew Stanton actually looked pretty good again. However to steal a quote from a guy I heard on sports talk radio, as some Lions fans begin clamoring for Stanton to start the season, all that proves is that the Lions 3rd stringers are better than other teams 3rd stringers.

But even though the Lions looked awful and made the Browns look like the '89 49ers, it is just preseason football and it means nothing. Lions 2008 preseason anybody? I don't think anybody seriously expects the Lions to be any good this year anyway, say become the 2008 Miami Dolphins, and it will be a surprise if they win more than three games. I also don't know if Stafford is going to be any good either, and since my Lions drafted him the chances are that he won't be any good, but it was the kids first start and he's going to suck this year no matter how much or how little he plays. No, he won't become this years Matt Ryan who was blessed to hand the ball to Michael Turner 350+ times last year or Joe Flacco who was blessed to have one the best Defenses in NFL clean up his mistakes. Hopefully Coach Swartz will let the kid sit to start the season and let his 250lb veteran take the early abuse and hopefully win the city of Detroit a football game.

As a Lions fan I just hope they get that first win out of the way sooner than later because with each mounting loss the national joke just becomes bigger and bigger. And that win is coming. Guaranteed. So if your team is on the Lions schedule in 2009 you had best watch out because we are beating SOMEBODY this year.

I have nothing to say...

2009-08-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

...at this particular time. At least anything of any kind of value. However we do not want to let the FCU Blog lag so we will make a mindless post just to keep things moving. I may make another one tomorrow as well. Quell your excitement if possible. Let's see... I showed my 'green' side by buying a Plasma Television the other day. Next I'll purchase a Hummer H2 and run my air conditioning with the windows open. But this fifty inch LG does have an energy saving feature built in which in actuality means it uses less electricity than a 32 inch LCD. Thing is you actually have to 'use' this feature. Regardless... Plasma is SWEET! Watched some gawdawful preseason football on over-the-air HD and it looked so good I could almost smell the grass. Then we fired up some Soul Calibur IV and followed that up with '300' on defunct HD-DVD, The Look and Sound of Perfect... and it looks like I won't be desiring to buy a new TV for at least another three months.

Speaking of football season, words which warm my heart, it must be near because during this awful pre-season football game Peyton Manning attempted to sell me no less than 18 products.

I think we'll keep the football theme flowing on the next post with an examination of my beloved Detroit Lions. Take note NFL... we're beating SOMEBODY this year and that somebody just might be your team.

GO U.S.A!!!

2009-07-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

In the first 'Transformers' flick when Bumble Bee transformed from an old '78 Camaro to a brand spanking new '09 Camaro the woman sitting next to me oohed and aahhed breathlessly saying that 'that's her dream car'. I was a little envious of that woman at that particular time because for a little more than 22G her dream car could be in her garage in the morning. My dream car on the other hand is a Jaguar XJ220 which, if you're really lucky, you might be able to track one down for a couple hundred thousand somewhere.

Regardless, even though the American Auto Industry is on thin ice on a warm summers day, I offer that GM with their Camaro, Chrysler with the Challenger and Ford with the Mustang have three of the hottest mass produced cars being sold on the planet earth right now. Toyota, Nissan, Mazda, Honda, VW, Hyundai, Mitsubishi, Suzuki... whomever... don't have anything in their respective lineups in this category, in my opinion, of these glorious examples of fine American sheet metal. Especially at their price points.

I'm telling you this and I don't even drive an American car. I actually drive an eleven year old Kia, a car which would only be driven by someone who is poor. Destitute. Broke. Lacking fiscal resources. I'm not even sure which one of these beauties I would choose given the choice. All I do know is if I was fortunate enough to have around thirty thousand or so dollars to spend on an automobile in the next couple of months, this brother here would be buying American. And it has little to do with loyalty to my country and everything to do with me looking good, crusing down the street winking at the hunnies, with my wife in the passenger side cramping my style.

The new look of the Asian Male.

2009-07-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

So the family finishes watching the Rugby flick 'Forever Strong' and while it is a typical sports movie filled to brim with cliche it was still entertaining. I'm in the middle of writing the review and click on the name of the star of that movie, this dude to my left, Sean Farris, to see what projects my man has coming up since he's not a bad actor and he was also pretty decent in the equally derivative 'Never Back Down'. One of these projects would be the video game flick 'King of Fighters' with Mr. Farris playing the lead role of Kyo Kusanagi. Allrightythen. Maybe its just me but I'm thinking this cat doesn't look like someone who would be named Kyo Kusanagi. I don't know what problems the suits in Hollywood have with Asian people, particularly Asian males, but they need to get over it. I guess this is nothing new, dating back to Charlie Chan and the late David Carradine get the nod over Bruce Freaking Lee for 'Kung Fu', but one would think in the 21st century that we would allow actual Asians play Asian characters. '21', that Dragonball movie, the new Streetfighter flick and the list goes on. The argument we often hear is that Asian actors don't sell tickets... which would mean that Sean Farris does sell tickets. Just as Justin Chatwin sold out Dragonball and Kritin Kruek set the box office on fire for Streetfighter. Now if they had cast Will Smith as Kyo Kusanagi, as wrong as that might've been, I'd buy into that ticket selling argument... but Sean Farris? Not that we're blaming Mr. Farris because I sure wouldn't turn the gig down, but that doesn't make it cool. I'd like to say because of this I think I'm gonna have to pass on the 'King of Fighters' movie but we all know I'm going to watch it so let's not front. I saw DOA for goodness sakes and can't wait for Tekken, no matter how bad they may be, but that STILL doens't make this cool.

Taking a stand!

2009-07-13T05:13:00.000-07:00

I know we're in a tough economy and all but enough is enough! So we're at the Rite-Aid and the boy wants a box of Mike and Ike's which at one time in this glorious nation of ours used to be one of the better uses of a dollar bill. I grab the box and observe it was smaller than usual, significantly so. Damn if Just Born Inc. hasn't shaved 25% off the regular 8 ounce box changing it to six ounces while keeping the price the same. What kind of mess is that? But it gets worse. The next week back in Rite-Aid the 'New' Mike and Ike's box has big yellow tag on it claiming to give you a '10% BOUNS!!!' bumping it's piddly six ounces up to 6.6 ounces which is STILL 1.4 ounces less than what it was a couple of weeks ago while still happily taking our dollar bill. Where I come from we call that the Okey-Doke. What we Americans need in our current situation of financial uncertainty is more confectionery sugar products for the money. What we don't need is to be bamboozled, hoodwinked and led astray into thinking we're getting more delicious tooth decaying product for our precious dollar bill when in reality we're being stiffed. It's a freaking outrage. First The Man shrinks the Ice Cream boxes while raising the price, then The Man compresses inside of the cereal package while keeping the box the same size, this is followed by airlines charging us baggage handling fees under guise of 'high fuel prices' failing to mention that fuel prices are lower now than they were before they added these extra unscrupulous fees... but did they get rid of this highly unethical baggage surcharge? Hell to the no. And now this. Though it hurts to me my heart, due to the long and very personal relationship I've had in my life with both Mike and Ike, I will not allow one of these candies to pass my lips until this horrific situation is rectified. A Freaking Outrage.

He's Out of Our Lives

2009-06-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm being driven home by some friends after seeing the 'Transformer' sequel (which was... not good) and invariably the conversation turns to Michael who's been dead a couple of days now. Arvell says 'You're boy is gone'. And I resopond with 'He really wasn't my boy' and the radio retrospective then plays 'Smooth Criminal' which is like my jam. Not my favorite Michael Jackson song which would be 'She's Out of my Life' but 'Smooth Criminal' is my jam. Then I started thinking about it a bit, remembering scrounging up the cash to by 'Thriller' in high school, hijacking my brothers 'Off the Wall' LP and being financially solvent in 1987 via parking cars to buy 'Bad' without nary a thought. Damn $4/hr went a long way when you lived at home and didn't have to pay bills. I also purchased 'Victory' and that damn Rockwell album back in the day based on Michael's star power alone so upon further review it would seem that that mighty confused, extremely flawed, psychologically screwed up dude who was talented almost beyond anyones ability to quantify talent was my boy. Never have the words 'Rest in Peace' meant so much for somebody.

On a side note, though he will probably deny this, my good friend Lee (last name withheld to protect his guilt) came to school one day wearing a Beat It jacket, Parachute Pants and suede boots. We're talking about an outfit with probably 80 zippers on it (the boots even had zippers) and the boy still had no place to put his wallet. How lucky were we back then that the photo cellphone hadn't been invented yet?

I'm sick of these MF'n Snakes on my MF'n TV!

2009-06-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me why but for some reason or another I have decided to watch every Sci-Fi Channel inspired snake movie made in the last couple of years. Again, I don't know why. I was contemplating doing a special Snake show on Totally Twisted Flix but all these movies pretty much suck and I realistically can't have a show in which every movie is terrible. Mega Snake wasn't so bad or maybe it was bad but it just wasn't as bad as the others. I don't know anymore. But it was fun while it lasted spending time with David Hasselhoff, Luke Perry, Tara Reid, Krista Allen and Michael Shanks. There's one more I have to watch, Snakeman with Stephen Baldwin, but I think I'm done here. I'll never ever freaking do that again.

Starship Troopers III

2009-06-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine out there in Los Angeles is up close and personal with an effects house out that way, one in particular which did the effects for this little Direct to DVD gem 'Starship Troopers III: Marauder'. I informed him that it just so happened that we did a segment on this movie on a recent episode of Totally Twisted Flix, a movie I unabashedly called possibly the best straight to DVD movie ever. Now if you don't watch a lot of straight to DVD movies then you probably won't be impressed. You'll know you're this person if you watch a straight to DVD movie and say something such as 'The Godfather was much better' or 'The special effects in this movie can't touch Revenge of the Sith' or 'Hmmmph, it certainly wasn't Truffaut'. Yeah, y'all can't hang out with us. Anyway, I promissed Darnell I'd post the video review and the print review so here you go bro.

Starship Troopers III: Marauder

Why Eastwood should do Horror.

2009-06-09T10:45:00.001-07:00

I doubt that Mr. Clint Eastwood would actually do this since he’s probably not interested in taking career advice from me, particularly since he has no idea that I even exist, but after recently watching his film ‘Changeling’ he should ponder directing a horror movie. He’s kind of done it already with ‘Play Misty for Me’ but he made that movie way before he mastered this whole film directing thing. Though ‘Changeling’ is a pure dramatic piece it does have a few sprinkles of horror elements strewn across its rather lengthy running time which got me to thinking, which is never good for anybody. Considering that most of Mr. Eastwood’s recent films have already been bitterly dark and depressing and taking into account his unparalleled ability to manipulate an audience I’m thinking if he just went full out horror for a movie it would be the best horror flick that anybody’s seen in years. I betcha. I know a few people who know a few people Mr. Eastwood and I think I can make it happen. Hit me back.

Speaking of sokko...

2009-06-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Since they remake pretty much everything in the movie business why haven't they gotten around to drudging up Johnny Sokko and his Giant Robot? With the success and the cheese that is The Power Rangers one would think that Robo and them would be prime material. Maybe they're intimidated by the fact the Unicorn, the secret agency battling the forces of Emperor Guillotine and his Gargoyle Gang, actually used children as secret agents placing them in harms way. But they did give those kids fully loaded guns so they could protect themselves if necessary. I mean U7 might've been all of eight years old but that little bastard would bust a cap for real if you didn't keep an eye on him. And who didn't enjoy the fact that Robo had to do his dance before he could freaking do ANYTHING. "Robot! Power Punch!" In due time U7 because my man has to bust his move first. Simply Outstanding. Of course there is the issue that outside of the nostalgia factor The Giant Robot as a piece of entertainment kind of sucked. I realized this while forcing my son to watch the Giant Robo DVD's I got from suspect origins, and the look of sadness in his eyes at how horrible my childhood must have been that I once thought this to be entertaining. Whatever punk. That wouldn't stop me from going all Fan Boy and buying a ticket to a new Giant Robo flick eight months in advance. I might even set aside a spare afternoon and generate a spec script. Shouldn't take much longer than that. I just might do that.

SOKKO!!!

2009-06-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm scouring the internets trying to find the Johnny Sokko theme to use as a ringtone but alas a decent copy was nowhere to be found. Desperate I decide to go ahead and make my own damn ringtone. I mean the theme from Johnny Sokko has gotta be one of the simplest musical movements ever created so what the hell. So until Bandai or Toei or whoever the hell owns the Johnny Sokko copyrite tells me to take it down, here it is. Note I didn't say it was any good, but the the first twenty seconds should make for a halfway decent low fidelity ringtone. Right click to snag or click that bar at the bottom to audition.

The Theme

The Death of the Spoof.

2009-05-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

Just saw the screener for the Wayans new movie 'Dance Flick' which really wasn't all that bad. Nonetheless here is the opening paragraph of my soon to be posted review.

If this movie ‘Dance Flick’ fails Director Damien Wayans and the Wayans family, a group of people which I believe constitutes 35% of the population of the state of New York, can personally thank Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg for this failure. If you aren’t familiar with the names of those two gentlemen then that’s great for you but if you do know the ‘comedy’ team of Seltzer and Friedberg like we know them then you are well aware this duo has singlehandedly atomic bombed the ‘spoof’ genre. Probably forever. Mind you this is not a genre without some history or legacy my friends, mined with hard work, sweat equity and comic precision by the likes of Mel Brooks and the Zucker brothers and don’t get me started on the near genius of Damon Wayans own ‘I’m Gonna Git you Sucka’. And while the whole ‘Scary Movie’ series didn’t help the genre all that much it also didn’t hurt it either… but then came ‘Date Movie’ and a string of other gawdawful Seltzer / Friedberg money making turds and thus a proud genre is destroyed. Kind of like what my main man Matthew McConaughey is doing to the Romantic Comedy right about now. Nonetheless here we are with a new generation of Wayans and it’s not like the Wayans are going to be remaking ‘Pride and Prejudice’ anytime soon so they gotta do what they know how to do and this leads us to ‘Dance Flick’. Since the genre has been murdered it needs something almost magical to resuscitate it, and while ‘Dance Flick’ certainly had its moments… alas… the genre is still dead.

By the way if anybody asks I think Matthew Mconaughey is a very nice dude.

Taimak Lives!

2009-05-18T06:16:00.000-07:00

Went to my first ever Comicon this past weekend with the esteemed Arvell Jones who I have observed knows every single person who's ever had anything to do with a comic book in the history of the planet earth. I was actually there to hoping score an interview with Tony Todd for an upcoming Totally Twisted Flix episode featuring the actor but alas he sold out the Motor City Comicon so no interview was to be scored. I did manage to get an interview Ryan Thompson who directed the locally produced 'Zombie Holocaust'. But amidst the Princess Leia's and stormtroopers and Boba Fett's were a string of old school actors hawking autographs and stuff for spare change. Yancy Butler, Joyce Dewitt, the cat that played Larry on Three's Company, Gil Gerard and Erin Grey, Eric Atavari, Garrett Wang, Kristy Swanson and a gaggle of old playmates just to name a few. But most importantly we saw TAIMAK! The Last Dragon baby! A very nice dude. I would've gotten a picture to put up here but I don't like the cat enough to give him 20 dollars for the priveledge of taking a picture of him with my own damn camera. Not to single out Taimak but all of the celbs were charging around that amount. Unless you wanted to take a picture with Carrie Fisher. It cost you twenty bucks to get into the Comicon (I was press so I didn't pay jack - nor would I have), forty dollars for the right to stand in line to get into Ms. Fisher's booth and get an autograph and another fifty if you wanted a photo. On your own damn camera. Only in America. On a sad note we have learned that they are remaking 'The Last Dragon'. As if remaking 'Footloose' and 'The Karate Kid' aren't bad enough.

2009-05-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

The good thing about the summer movie season is that they release a crapload of big budget movies that I get to see for free. The bad part is that I have to go see these movies. I prefer to stay at home and watch old exploitation movies, low budget straght to DVD action flicks and ancient kung fu flicks. Now that's entertainment. The movie that preceeded this flick Angels and Demons, the gawdawful 'The DaVinci Code' had a budget of 125 million dollars. How in the hell can you make a bad movie with a 125 million bucks at your disposal?

Anyway I'm going to assume that they gave Ron Howard even more money to make this movie because it was like ten times better than 'The Davinci Code'. My guestimate is this flick must have had a budget of 640 million dollars.

Angels and Demons

Steven Seagal

2009-05-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

We don't know why, we wish we knew why, but when Steven Seagal releases his quarterly action flick we still get as giddy as a fat kid in an ice cream shoppe. Sure we recognize that 85% of the movies that Steve, I feel I can call him Steve due to our very close one sided relationship... anyway 85% of the movies that Steve has released this decade have been absolutely terrible and some would say that 85% is being quite generous, but I watch them all regardless. I've just gotten the notice that his latest Straight to DVD flick 'Driven to Kill' is primed and ready to go. Oh happy joy! Three word title? check. character who's a retired super badass? check. Skinny stunt man on stand by? check. We've already done two shows on Totally Twisted Flix dedicated to the Straight to DVD work of Steve with enough material for two more. I cannot wait for my personal copy of 'Driven to Kill' to arrive in the mail to see what the one who 'walks like a Black Man and Breathes like a Killer' has for us this quarter. Outstanding!

Off the Chain...

2009-05-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

That's what that new Star Trek movie was. I'm no fan of IMAX for regular movies because it's just and extra big rectangle but the movie was some damn fine entertainment. It's not MacBeth or anything but I wouldn't mind seeing it again at regular theater.

Star Trek

2009-05-06T13:20:00.001-07:00

I'm off to the Chrysler Science center IMAX theater to check out the press screener for the new Star Trek movie. I gotta be honest and tell you that for me this is basically just another movie to see, a movie with Zoe Saldana in it, but still just another movie. I even made it available to my people at Decode who I know live and breathe this stuff but alas I'm the only one can regularly turn in a review on time so all systems go. I would imagine there should be freaks galore at the event and here I am without my Federation sanctioned uniform. This weekend I'll probably revisit 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture' which literally put me to sleep as a ten year old in 1979.

Pacquiao v Hatton

2009-05-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm big boxing fan. This ain't got jack to do with movies by the way. When they announced the Pacquiao /Hatton fight I was thinking there is no way that Ricky Hatton had a chance in hell of winning that fight. Especially since he got beat up by Mayweather a year earlier and considering what Pacquiao did to De LaHoya. Then they started hyping the thing with HBO and the trainers whispering in my ear on what a challenging fight this was gonna be, and damn if I didn't start listening and believing that Hatton had a real chance to challenge Pacquiao. I was gonna say 'one day I'll learn' but it's way too late in the game for learning for me. KTFO'd in the second round. I don't want to say that the 'sweet science' is dead but I can't remember it being any sicker in my lifetime than it is right now.

Welcome to Totally Twisted Flix

2009-05-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Alrighty then, we might as well start this thing off by posting something from Totally Twisted Flix as most of you can't getto channel 9407 on Dish Network. Regardless, TTF is the movie show dedicated to only Direct to DVD movies as the intro should inform. More or Less. Note that I was not born with a face for TV. We'll be dropping the occasional video review on the blog over the course of time. Audio sounds like I'm talking in public bathroom. Got that fixed later on.