Film Critics United

Scouting for Christmas (2024) - Hallmark My apologies my friends for last year, as an unpaid Hallmarky Christmas Movie Consultant, I was derelict in my duties.  Usually me and my Consulting Partner Lisa spit out between 20 to 40 of these hard hitting essays each year but last year I only did a couple.  There were extenuating circumstances of course, but as an old ball coach used to tell us, excuses are like nostrils (he didn't say nostrils), everybody has one.  This year however we are back on it, no longer shirking my duties as an unpaid Holiday movie consultant. Angela (Tamera Mowry-Housley) is a hard working real-estate agent and somewhat neglectful mom to the spunky 10-year old Brooklyn (Audrey Wise Alvarez).  Meaning she's always late picking up Brooklyn up from school to take her to her girl scout meetings, leaving Brooklyn to trek on down to the local bakery to avoid freezing to death, and beg for food.  In the real world, perhaps protective services should get involved,

Hot Girl Winter (2023) - Tubi As 'Hot Girl Winter' opens, the Tubi splash screen greets with a TV-14 rating with the warning of 'Sexual Situations' and 'Sexual Suggestions'.  Gotta say I'm not used to those kinds of warnings from my Hallmarky Romantic Holiday Movies, but these are warnings one should definitely be aware of before taking this challenge.  Our film opens with Jess (Golden Brooks), or Mrs. Claus as it were traipsing down the stairs in her skimpy nightie because she needs Nick  (Jason Mimms), or Santa Claus as it were,  to scratch a certain itch.  Unfortunately Nick is nowhere to be found as he is back in the warehouse making toys or whatever Santa has to do around the holidays, thus Jess has to go to bed frustrated yet again. No worries because the next morning is the day Jess and Nick are supposed to be off to fun in the sun for their 30th wedding anniversary, but again it will not happen.  Their teenage son Kris (D'Varijay Harris) has info

 Mystery on Mistletoe Lane (2023) - Hallmark Reviewed by Lisa Sue So…confession. I watch the Hallmark Mysteries, like ALL the Hallmark Mysteries, not because I have to but because I like to. I’m talking bakers, hair dressers, caterers, matchmakers, and lounge singers who in their spare time assist helpless detectives in solving murders, thefts, and other various crimes. So when there’s a Christmas movie mystery? Sign me up! Sadly, we know what happens when we have expectations. We are let down. And so it was with this movie, as there is a secret to reveal but mystery? That’s a bit of an exaggeration, as no major heist, violent assault, or the like went down. There wasn’t even a detective or police officer around, so how big exactly was this mystery, really? Enough with my whinging, on with the show! Enter Heidi, a recently divorced single mom who just accepted a job as director of The New Hollow Historical Society. She’s nervous about this big change, which means uprooting her kids fro

  All Saints Christmas (2022) - Hallmark Our film opens with Lisette, played by real life Grammy Award winning artist Ledesi, giving a concert while the folks in the audience are having literal convulsions listening to her song.  It's not really that good people, but she does have a nice voice.  After the concert, Lisette gets some bad news from her distractingly handsome manager Zack (Darien Martin) that her label is on the verge of dropping her for the a younger, shinier though far less talented new model.  But back to Zack, if actor Darien Martin can halfway remember his lines he should have a pretty decent Hallmark / Lifetime career in front of him for the next few years.  Or until he stops being good looking. Across town, this town being Los Angeles I think, we meet Matthew as played by the legendary Roger Cross who is some kind of music producer, but a music purist.  You know, listens to vinyl and stuff.  Doesn't believe in Autotune.  Worships at the alter of Coltrane.  O

  Christmas Casanova (2023) - Stan Reviewed by Lisa Sue Unlike Chris who has the Universe picking his next Christmas movies, I look out to the great beyond, that is the massive list of Christmas Movies growing by the day and just pick the one that speaks to me. Now, Christmas Casanova spoke to me partially because of alliteration, which I know is totally judging a book by its cover. And also because when you think Casanova, is Christmas even the on the list of top 5 things you would associate with him? Probably not, which is why I was intrigued by the set up. Spoiler- After watching all 89 mins, the main guy Daniyal is many things, but a Cassanova he is not. A little background to Daniyal, he’s a work obsessed ad exec who’s having issues landing his new client. He is somewhat pre occupied as he was supposed to be spending Christmas in Vermont with his bestie Tanya, but due to a tree accident Tanya’s parents are coming to NYC for Christmas and spending time with Tanya and her new boyfri

  Under the Christmas Sky (2023) - Hallmark Reviewed by Lisa Sue Ok dear reader, after the dozens (are we into the hundreds yet?) of these movies I’ve consumed , I must admit I was feeling the first 2/3 of this movie. There were some things this movie did really well, and that struck a chord. Our heroine Kat (Jessica Parker Kennedy) is a rocket scientist at the National Space Program (apparently NASA didn’t give the green light to let them use their name) She recently had a pretty nasty car accident that left her vision impaired (seeing blind spots) but most depressing to Kat is that her planned trip to the space station, fulfilling a life long goal of being an astronaut who flew in space, is kiboshed by this disability. Sure there’s the fact that Kat has balance issues, the loss of independence as she has moved back home and can’t drive but what really has Kat depressed is watching her dream slip through her fingers. It’s not that the small town paper/bakery/toy store that’s about to