Film Critics United

Catch a Christmas Star (2013) - Hallmark ...And we have come to the end of the road with arguably the best one of these wacky Christmas movies we've seen to date.  Or is it?  Give a man dying of thirst a glass of water, and surely that water will taste as if it is sweat from the brow of Jesus.  Point being that after 30 straight days, this movie could be 'A Plan 9 from Outer Space Christmas' and it would still seem almost magical.  And I'm sure the mudslides I was chasing didn't hurt either. Chris (Stever Byers) is a widowed father of two adorable kids.  His wife died in a car accident a few years back, and I've noticed in this journey that car accidents seem to be the method of choice for getting rid of significant others, when I think a long terminal illness, like cancer, works better dramatically.  It allows for this dying S.O to give some theatrical last dying words for their mate, which just can't happen in a head on collision. Anyway, it's ...

Baby's First Christmas (2012) - Hallmark I feel... empowered.  I feel as if there is nothing that I can't do when I set my mind to it, and I can thank these Christmas movies for giving me this confidence.  True, there's been tears and pain and I believe a 30% loss of vision, but whatever man... I can't be stopped now. Alrighty then... Jenna (Rachel Wilson) is a Kanye listening, green loving, proletariat supporting lib-tard.  Kyle (Caspar Van Dien) is a country music digging, boot straps pulling, proletariat oppressing republi-turd.  They're both lawyers, they hate each other on many levels, but alas they are always thrust together because Jenna's brother Jim and Kyle's sister Trisha are married to each other. Such as this Christmas for instance where Jenna and Kyle are forced to rent a car together to go to NYC to witness the birth of their nephew, to go along with their adorable seven year old niece Karen (Ella Ballentine).  Now there are issues the...

A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004) - The Hallmark Channel My son tells me 'Why do 30 days?  25 days makes more sense'.  And he's right, especially since I'm on Day 24 and tomorrow would be end of this treacherous journey, but that's not what I did, so we tirelessly soldier on.  If did do 25 instead of 30 days, I probably would've been a little more selective and chances are 'A Boyfriend for Christmas' wouldn't have made the short list, but here we are. Young Holly is walking in the mall, and her girlfriends are dominating the conversation about the boyfriends they are about to get, but Holly let's them know she don't need no gatdamn man!  Holly was totally lying about that because when Santa (Charles Durning) asked her what she wanted under the tree, with little hesitation, she told him a boyfriend.  Now the only reason 12 year old Holly was talking to Santa was because she was helping this cute boy who couldn't get his little sister ...

My Christmas Dream (2016) - The Hallmark Channel Yesterday's movie, 'The Christmas Choir', was all gritty and real and serious, to the point it was almost like a regular movie.  For today's movie I had to get my mind right... realign my priories.  I had see something that truly captured the essence of Christmas, at least the way Hallmark sees Christmas, and boy did the gods of TV Christmas Movies answer the call with this one, 'My Christmas Dream', a veritable prototype of what a Hallmark Christmas Movie should be. Winnie Cooper (Danica McKellar) is the hard working manager of the biggest department store in town and she is ready for the Christmas rush.  Not Christmas... never had time for that... but selling stuff.  Today is a big day for Winnie because the owner of the chain, Ms. Victoria (Diedre Hall) is coming to visit and for some odd reason the CEO of this company has never met the manager of her biggest, most important store.  Moreover, Miss Victor...

A Carol Christmas (2003) - The Hallmark Channel Two days in a row, two straight Christmas Carol knockoffs.  Watching these movies is way more difficult than I could've ever dreamed.  But this movie, 'A Carol Christmas' has William Shatner and the late Gary Coleman in it.  You read that correctly... Willis and Kirk!  Other than that it was terrible. Carol (Tori Spelling) is the host of some kind of Sally Jesse Rafael styled TV show and a terrible person.  Duh.  Carol's Marley is her dead aunt Maria (Dinah Manoff) who was basically a stage mom, but just not her mom.  Where is Carol's real mom?  Somewhere not taking of her daughter.   So we get to see how terrible Carol is to all of her people, including her Cratchit Roberta (Nina Siemaszko), only to get a midday visit from her aunt about the three spirits.  Christmas Past (Coleman) shows her how wonderful her childhood was until Aunt Maria got a hold of her, Christmas Presen...

Christmas Cookies (2016) - Hallmark Hannah (Jill Wagner) is a NYC executive of some sort who doesn't love Christmas.  Her super serious boss is giving her a career making opportunity, that being going to the city of Cookie Jar and closing the deal of her company's acquisition of the flailing Sally's Cookies. Problem is when she gets there, and meets the charmingly handsome Jake (Wes Brown) who is currently running the company into the dirt, he doesn't want to sign the deal, which Hannah thought was already a lock.  Even though the deal has generous severance for the employees and a sweet separation package for Jake, the deal requires the company move from Cookie Jar to Buffalo, and Jake just can't have that as the City of Cookie Jar just isn't the same without the rock that is Sally's Cookies.  I mean the city is named Cookie Jar for goodness sake. All Hannah wants to do is sign this deal and head back to NYC to be with her Wall Street boyfriend, who...

I'll Be Home for Christmas (2016) - Hallmark Channel Imagine you're James Brolin and for some strange reason you want to direct a crap Hallmark Christmas movie, but Hallmark won't let you do it.  Even though you'll cast yourself in it and even promised to rope in Mena Suvari to help out, but they still won't let you do it.  Then you bring out your trump card... "How about I let my wife sing a few Christmas songs in it?"  SCORE!!!  True enough I'll be Home for Christmas, with Barbara Streisand fronting the vocals, probably has the best selection of Christmas songs of any Hallmark movie ever... but at the end of the day it is still vomit worthy Hallmark Christmas movie, just maybe a little worse than usual. Jack (Brolin) is in town during the holidays to attend a friends funeral and being an absolutely terrible person, Jack doesn't even think to pay a visit to his daughter Jackie (Suvari) and granddaughter Gracie (Giselle Eisenerg).  I mean thi...

Mistletoe Over Manhattan (2011) - Hallmark Channel Eleven days in, it's finally happened.  One of these Christmas movies has earned five vomits.  Now don't misunderstand the vomits, because while Mistletoe Over Manhattan is the most vomit worthy movie we've seen to this point, it doesn't mean it's a bad movie.  In fact, it's one of the better ones to be honest with you, but it hit all the right vomit cues at all the right vomit times. Lucy (Tricia Helfer) and Joe (Greg Byrk) are a married couple who have come to the end of the line.  Joe, an NYPD cop has neglected his family for years using his job as an excuse, while Lucy, an advertising exec, has moved on to be with her slimy boss Parker (Damon Runyan). Half a world a way, Santa (Martic O'Carrigan) has about had it with entitled kids, long hours and commercialism and is contemplating shutting it down.  His wife Becca (Tedde Moore) knows that's not what her man really wants, and thus its off to...

Naughty or Nice (2012) - Hallmark Channel Two things.  First, I thought it was cute seeing 'Family Ties' legends Meredith Baxter and Michael Gross playing a couple in the last Christmas movie I saw, now... say like in this movie... not so much.  Second, the little pictures I use for these movies I get off of a Yahoo images search.  Works fine until you type in something like 'Naughty or Nice' which gives you all kinds not family friendly horrors.  Of course that could be avoided if I just turned on 'Safe Search', but why in the world would I do that?  Crazy talk. Krissy Kringle (Hilarie Burton) lives on Candy Cane Lane.  Note that Krissy is not related Kris Kringle, just happens to be her name, and they changed the name of her street after she moved there.  Also, it appears actress Hilarie Burton is a natural brunette but I've learned your odds of landing the lead in one of these Christmas movies increases exponentially if one has blonde hair. ...

A Heavenly Christmas (2016) - Hallmark Channel This one here is special, not because I'm saying it is, but because Hallmark is saying that it is, as this movie is part of their Hall of Fame series of films, of which I'm told some are really good and these movies usually have actors who are a cut above.  I can tell you that the actors do have better credentials in 'A Heavenly Christmas', but it's still pretty much a run of the mill Hallmark Christmas movie. Eve (Kristin Davis) is a hardworking trader who could care less that it's Christmas as she has deals to cut and money make.  Max (Eric McCormack) is a broken-hearted diner operator, ever since his music partner and sister tragically died a few years back.  Now he just flips burgers and looks after his super cute precocious niece Lauren (Jaeda Lily Miller).  These two share a cab one evening as a preliminary meeting, but love is not the air for these two just yet.  It's coming though. Tragically, E...