Film Critics United

Ms. Scrooge (1997) - USA Network Let's retell the Charles Dickens classic a Christmas Carol for the umpteenth time because, quite honestly, we can't get enough this well worn, played out, super tired tale of cranky old people. Ebenita Scrooge (Cicely Tyson) is a cranky, hateful old person who runs a bank / pawn shop and oppresses the community.  We see Ebenita in all her glory as she forces her employees to work during the Holidays, pays them minimum wage, gives them no health care bennies, and gives the community mafia rate payday loans.  I dig that in 1843, when a Christmas Carol was first published, your employment opportunities were limited, but in 1997... these people need to get freshen up their resumes and get better gigs. So you know the routine.  Marley (Katherine Hellmond) drops by and issues a sage warning about eternal damnation unless Ebenita's evil ways are changed, followed by three ghosts to assist in this gargantuan task. Christmas Past shows us...

Christmas Cookies (2016) - Hallmark Hannah (Jill Wagner) is a NYC executive of some sort who doesn't love Christmas.  Her super serious boss is giving her a career making opportunity, that being going to the city of Cookie Jar and closing the deal of her company's acquisition of the flailing Sally's Cookies. Problem is when she gets there, and meets the charmingly handsome Jake (Wes Brown) who is currently running the company into the dirt, he doesn't want to sign the deal, which Hannah thought was already a lock.  Even though the deal has generous severance for the employees and a sweet separation package for Jake, the deal requires the company move from Cookie Jar to Buffalo, and Jake just can't have that as the City of Cookie Jar just isn't the same without the rock that is Sally's Cookies.  I mean the city is named Cookie Jar for goodness sake. All Hannah wants to do is sign this deal and head back to NYC to be with her Wall Street boyfriend, who...

I'll Be Home for Christmas (2016) - Hallmark Channel Imagine you're James Brolin and for some strange reason you want to direct a crap Hallmark Christmas movie, but Hallmark won't let you do it.  Even though you'll cast yourself in it and even promised to rope in Mena Suvari to help out, but they still won't let you do it.  Then you bring out your trump card... "How about I let my wife sing a few Christmas songs in it?"  SCORE!!!  True enough I'll be Home for Christmas, with Barbara Streisand fronting the vocals, probably has the best selection of Christmas songs of any Hallmark movie ever... but at the end of the day it is still vomit worthy Hallmark Christmas movie, just maybe a little worse than usual. Jack (Brolin) is in town during the holidays to attend a friends funeral and being an absolutely terrible person, Jack doesn't even think to pay a visit to his daughter Jackie (Suvari) and granddaughter Gracie (Giselle Eisenerg).  I mean thi...

Christmas Do-Over (2006) - ABC Family The initial plan of this futile exercise was to watch these Hallmark styled Christmas Movies, poke a little fun at them, then move on.  What we didn't want to do was actually critique one because we did that for years and now simply watch movies for whatever entertainment value they can offer.  But then this ditty came along.  Christmas Do-Over is... ghastly.  This movie here is socially, morally, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt.  Thirteen days in it's pretty clear that ABC Family is the absolute worst.  Thank goodness for the name change. We're dusting off Ground Hog Day, a popular trope for these types of movies, hanging out with Kevin (Jay Mohr).  Kevin is divorced from Jill (Daphne Zuniga), father to little Ben (Logan Grove) and one the worst people you will ever want to spend time with.    All Kevin wants to do this Christmas Day is drop off the hastily and poorly selected gift to h...

Girlfriends of Christmas Past (2016) - UPtv It's thanksgiving and Professional Party Planner Livvy (Tammin Sursok) is enjoying dinner with her family and her man Anderson (John Brotherton).  It's been a glorious year together and it looks like Anderson, some kind of tech mogul, just might propose.  Instead he breaks up with her which just destroys poor Livvy.  Seriously.  Livvy's behavior moving forward are the acts of a person who has totally lost their ever loving mind. Livvy's work mate and best friend, Gay Tyler (Chris Salvatore), after a few weeks of Livvy not getting out of bed, knows it time for Livvy to get her self together, and if she wants to be free of what Anderson did to her, she should post on some Bad Ex-boyfriend website so others will know what a bad boyfriend he was.  Instead Livvy goes to the website, finds two other women Anderson did wrong in the uptight Murphy (Lindsey McKeon) and the flighty Zoe (Abigail Klein), and Livvy somehow r...

Mistletoe Over Manhattan (2011) - Hallmark Channel Eleven days in, it's finally happened.  One of these Christmas movies has earned five vomits.  Now don't misunderstand the vomits, because while Mistletoe Over Manhattan is the most vomit worthy movie we've seen to this point, it doesn't mean it's a bad movie.  In fact, it's one of the better ones to be honest with you, but it hit all the right vomit cues at all the right vomit times. Lucy (Tricia Helfer) and Joe (Greg Byrk) are a married couple who have come to the end of the line.  Joe, an NYPD cop has neglected his family for years using his job as an excuse, while Lucy, an advertising exec, has moved on to be with her slimy boss Parker (Damon Runyan). Half a world a way, Santa (Martic O'Carrigan) has about had it with entitled kids, long hours and commercialism and is contemplating shutting it down.  His wife Becca (Tedde Moore) knows that's not what her man really wants, and thus its off to...

A Heavenly Christmas (2016) - Hallmark Channel This one here is special, not because I'm saying it is, but because Hallmark is saying that it is, as this movie is part of their Hall of Fame series of films, of which I'm told some are really good and these movies usually have actors who are a cut above.  I can tell you that the actors do have better credentials in 'A Heavenly Christmas', but it's still pretty much a run of the mill Hallmark Christmas movie. Eve (Kristin Davis) is a hardworking trader who could care less that it's Christmas as she has deals to cut and money make.  Max (Eric McCormack) is a broken-hearted diner operator, ever since his music partner and sister tragically died a few years back.  Now he just flips burgers and looks after his super cute precocious niece Lauren (Jaeda Lily Miller).  These two share a cab one evening as a preliminary meeting, but love is not the air for these two just yet.  It's coming though. Tragically, E...

Christmas Bounty (2013) - ABC Family From WWE studios we have another Christmas movie that's really not a Christmas movie, just a movie that takes place around Christmastime, but whaddayagonnado? Tory (Francia Raisa) is a Manhattan schoolteacher engaged to blue blood investment banker James (Will Greenberg) when she gets a mysterious call from Manucci (professional movie thug Alexs Paunovic) that he's going to kill her and family.  Well that's not the spirit.  Why does this dude want to kill the lovely Tory?  Because Tory's bounty hunting family traced this cat ten years ago, mainly Tory who was like twelve at the time, and put him away.  Now he's escaped and wants bloody revenge.  HO HO HO!  Of course Tory's fiance doesn't know anything about Tory's bounty hunting past.  I've noticed another theme of these Christmas movies, and probably Lifetime movies in general, is these women lying to their men about their pasts, no matter how mundane these...

A Christmas in Vermont (2016) - ION tv Riley (Abagail Hawk) is moving up the corporate ladder crushing dreams and ruining lives while working for some evil acquisition firm run by Preston, as played by a semi-catatonic version of Chevy Chase.  Preston has a big assignment for Riley, go to Sadville Vermont right before Christmas and shut down this realities version of North Face, if North Face was under performing and made really lame clothes.  Seriously, you should've seen the stick figure designs they laid out for Riley.  Awful... just awful. No problem for Riley who has big life plans for her career, but then she meets the people of Sadville, especially the guy badly running this company, Wyatt (David O'Donnell), and while they don't hit it off immediately... love is unavoidable.  And everything is wonderful as Riley works super hard to turn this sad company around, until Wyatt and the employees of this pathetic company discover the real reason Riley is in to...

The Tree that Saved Christmas (2014) - UPtv Little Molly and Little Lucas love hanging out in Vermont on Molly's family Christmas Tree farm talking about their dreams.  Dreams which will not come true, because they never do.  Molly's going to go to NYC to be a writer, and Lucas is going to follow her to take pictures of the skyscrapers.  Sounds like the beginning of a Harry Chapin song.  On this day Molly's dad was clearing a path for the trees and accidentally cut down Molly's favorite tree, even though Molly tried to stop him by launching herself in front of an active chainsaw.  Molly is dumb.  Fortunately though, Molly's dad was able to save the tree... a tree that will eventually save Christmas.  Not really... but that's what they named this movie so we gotta roll with it. Fast forward a few decades where Molly is in NYC, but not as a writer, instead working for an ice cold publisher who makes Molly do all his menial tasks... like raising hi...

A Very Larry Christmas (2013) - B.E.T. Four days in, and I gotta be honest and let you know this is a little tougher than I thought it would be.  And I didn't think it would be easy.  Starting to lose the feeling in my fingertips.  Nonetheless we soldier on with A Very Larry Christmas. Santa's is in town to do a little Meet and Greet and get the key to the city or something, along with his wife Mrs. Claus as played by Loretta Devine.  Wait... You mean to tell me that Santa is Down with the Brown?  Sure he is, because as a wise person recently told me, Santa Claus isn't real so you can do whatever you want with Santa.  In this reality Santa has a Black wife, in another reality Santa is a serial killing Werewolf.  You can do whatever you want with this fool. Anyway, Santa was acting stupid, slipped and fell and broke his leg and as such Christmas is now in jeopardy, unless Santa, along with his PR Agent Nicole (Tatyana Ali) can find a replacemen...

Broadcasting Christmas (2016) - Hallmark Channel. Back in the day, Clark Kent and Sabrina the Teenage Witch were hard working reporters and passionate lovers at some podunk news station in Connecticut, when a sweet opportunity to host a local news show in New York City came up.  They both auditioned for it, Clark Kent got it, Sabrina was sad and ended the relationship and went back to her crap TV job in Connecticut, even though Clark wanted her to join up with him.  Kind of a dick move from Sabrina, but there it is. Fast forward some years to the present where this realities version of the Today Show has an opening, and with Clark working upstairs as the local anchor, he's on the short list as a replacement.  Sabrina, also hearing about the opening, makes a viral video and now she too is on the short list. Former lovers are now enemies again, until those old feelings come creeping back... then go away... then come back one time again thanks to a 100-year old frui...