The Wrong Cruise

The Wrong Cruise

Our Wrong-A-Thon continues with movie six in the series, with Ms. Vivica A. Fox taking the lead in The Wrong Cruise.   While the wrong series up to this point has been filled with total insanity and completely nonsensical story lines which has endeared themselves to me, The Wrong Cruise delivers us a fairly standard Lifetime thriller that's probably not worthy of  the 'Wrong' prefix.  A better title probably would've been a throwback to the old days of lifetime thrillers when the title pretty much told you everything about the movie.  For instance this one could've been called My Mexican Lover is a Killer.  or Murder in Mexico.  Or I Killed My Murderous Latin Lover.  Those work.

Our movie begins with some lady bound in some house in what I assume is Mexico, freeing herself and running for help but quickly captured by an unseen person.  This will be revisited later.  Back on the Mainland we meet Sky (Sidney Nicole Rogers) who continues the Wrong tradition of grown ass women playing teenagers who like to run track.  Ms. Rogers looked like she enjoyed this running part the least of all the actors who have come before her.

This better be a One Take

While Sky doesn't really seemed designed for Cross Country running, she completely designed to hate bullies, like this B.  

This chick was all upset because blondie over there beat her in a race and started talking about how ugly she was or something.  Sky don't like that kind of talk.

It's blurry but Sky drops this fool with one punch.  I'm thinking Sky's propensity for pugilistic pummeling will come handy in a little while.  Unfortunately knocking people the f@#k out is frowned upon in High School, and in society for that matter, so Sky is suspended, when she should probably be in jail, and her mom Claire (Ms. Fox) has to pick her up.  Sky is sad because her Dad recently died in a very unique way.  Apparently he came to the school for one of those parent meetings and died of a heart attack while in the waiting room.  That's a good one.  Much better than the typical 'Car Accident' they usually use. 

Before picking up her wayward daughter from school for her two week suspension, Claire booked a cruise for her and her baby girl, I guess a reward for knocking that girl out?  But what Claire didn't know was her movements during the booking were being tracked and hacked.

Neo when he chose the Blue Pill.

We know she's being hacked because this dude is using the Matrix font, and only hackers do that.  But now it's off for some fun and sun on the Mexican Riviera, where Claire meets the devilishly handsome Dante (Andres Londono).

Dante wastes absolutely not time in making his intentions for Claire very clear, complete with a romantic dinner followed by Claire waking up after a night of passion.  While her mom is laying up knocking off Dante, Sky for her part has met the fun loving Rico (Adrian Quinta) where these two get into all kinds of mischief on the ship, such as breaking into the kitchen and stealing deserts.

If you've ever been on a cruise, you probably know that stealing desert on a cruise is akin to stealing sand at the beach or stealing cocaine at a Hollywood wrap party.  Readily available, no need to steal it.  But stealing deserts did serve the purpose of getting Sky all worked up.

As you can see, mother and daughter are handling some business on this cruise.  Not looking like a wrong cruise at all this point for these ladies.  But it is, because everywhere they go, they are being spied on by this sneaky guy.

That's the cruise director / hacker / bad guy and he's up to no good.  Now it's time for the first port of call where Dante invites Claire on his boat.  That would be bad move on Claire's part as Dante has drugged her and is holding her captive.

Sky of course is worried sick because her mom has missed the boat return, but no worries because nice guy Rico is going take Sky to the police so they can find out what happened to her mom.  Or not.

Now everything is on the table.  Turns out Dante is a criminal smooth operator who kidnaps women on cruises and extorts their families for money.  Claire is a different case because he has researched that her husband left her a million dollar insurance policy and he wants it all, or else Sky dies.  Rico is kind of nice kid who is simply at Dante's mercy but the evil Cruise Director is all on board with this scam, to the point he wants to renegotiate his terms with Dante.

Dante doesn't like to renegotiate.  Not even a little bit.  And this where Dante starts killing... Everybody.  First there's the lady in the opening... shot her in the head because her family didn't get him his money fast enough.

Then he kills the Evil Cruise director for having the nerve to want more money.  When Dante told the evil Cruise Director to meet him in a secluded place, in the middle of nowhere to give him his additional cash, he thought it was a good idea.  This is what he got.

For some unknown reason, the Evil Cruise director told his girlfriend to meet him in the middle of nowhere, where he was meeting Dante.  Dante then kills her.  That's not good looking out.  But it did get Dominique Swain in the movie who I assume is one of Vivica Fox's very best friends considering how often she shows up in her movies.

Dante's rampage continues as he murders his protege Rico for setting the ladies free.  Mind you they're just running blindly in the darkened woods in a country they know nothing about, but they free!

Eventually the ladies run into a cop who looks eager to help, but Dante finds them as well.  Dante totally murders that cop.

To say there is blood on Dante's hands is a bit of an understatement, but Dammit, he's gonna get his money one way or the other and forces Sky and Claire into his jeep so they can wait for the bank to open.  But again for some unknown reason, Dante keeps a pipe wrench in the back seat of his jeep.

So Claire busts him upside the head and they drive away in his jeep, but naturally they don't finish the job as Dante just takes the clothes of the dead cop and his car, and also puts out an all points bulletin on Claire and Sky.  Because a guy who just murdered a cop and is driving around in that dead cops car and is wearing his bloody clothes wants MORE cops on the road.  Meanwhile, Claire and sky dump the jeep for reasons I can't tell you, and then carjack this poor lady and her kid's much worse car, for reasons I can't tell you, which leads to this lady and kid pointing Dante, pretending to be a cop, in their direction.  I gotta admit I'm surprised he didn't kill them too.

Then Sky and Claire decide to dump the car and just run through the woods while fake cop Dante chases them.  Again, for reasons I can't tell you.  Claire makes them split up so Sky can be safe or something, so when Dante finally tracks down Claire, he's had enough.  His Big Score is no longer worth all of this trouble.  If only he had seen the high school chick with strong left hook sneaking up behind him.

They overpower Dante, which isn't too terribly surprising because I think both of these ladies are bigger than Dante, and in the struggle Dante gets shot by his own gun and dies.  Damn there are a lot of bodies on that gun.

Then it's back stateside where Sky can run some more cross country races that she clearly doesn't want to run as mother and daughter are happy together once more.  And it's all thanks to the Murderous Rage of Dante.  Which is also a more apt title.

So as you can see, at least for loyal watchers of the Wrong series, The Wrong Cruise just isn't very wrong-like.  Dante's plan, this being scamming someone out of their insurance money, is pretty run of the mill and not the typical wacky plan we're used to seeing in these movies.  Sure, Dante is probably crazy considering how many people he killed in this movie, but he killed them more out of necessity and not because he was trying force somebody to fall in love with him through murder.  Personally, I don't watch these movies because I want to watch a typical Lifetime movie, I watch them for the insanity and I just didn't get that with this one.  I'd give it Zero Wrongs, but it did at least have a grown ass woman, pretending to be a teenager, running, which she clearly didn't want to do, and that in of itself, is worth at least One Wrong.

                                                                   

And as a bonus, I leave you with this,  this is car Claire got into when she had to pick up her daughter from her high school fight.

That's a Mercedes GLA 250. And this is car that they made it home in.

That's clearly a Caddilac Escalade.  That right there is called 'Continuity Incompetence' and I love that.