The Wrong Mommy
Our film opens with some dude, dressed in black and sporting the badge of evil, a hoodie, stalking around the outside of the house, trying to get in through the windows but finding them locked, until finally resorting to his last choice... the Front Door. Already I have my doubts about this dudes attempts to pull off whatever cockamamie plan he's cooking up. Now in the house, this cat stalks around, looking in at the kid sleeping and then the couple sleeping before performing that most basic act of a Wrong movie, placing hidden cameras in plain sight.
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| The Hibiscus really preferred water and sunlight |
It wasn't until I saw that fingernail polished hand that I realized that the dude stalking the house was supposed to be a woman. Then when we eventually meet Phoebe as played by actress Ashlynn Yennie, there is nothing even remotely masculine about her. So I don't know whether this was old footage they used or they simply didn't have any women around at the time available to sneak around the house in a hoodie. But truth be told, that's really neither here nor there as there is a movie to start!
Melanie (Jessica Morris) is a hard working ad exec, her husband Alex (Jason-Shane Scott) is hard a working something that requires a business suit and for him to leave the house in the morning, and they have a cute little girl in Tina (Jillian Spitz). There 's just not enough hours in the day for these two as they are constantly ripping and running with Melanie consistently running late. On this morning she's running so late that she gets called into the office of her boss Samantha (Vivica A. Fox) with Melanie assuming she's getting the sack, but NOT SO FAST!!! She's getting a promo.
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| Phoebe was amazed at the quality of the molding. |
Hanging outside Boss lady's office, hearing this great news, in a business which clearly needs to up it's security game, is Phoebe who is hatching her plan. First thing Melanie needs, as dictated by her boss, is an assistant and Phoebe is all over that, first by badmouthing the candidates, accusing them of running meth labs and such, without a lick of proof that any of this is true... but hey, we have learned that Americans do not need any kind of evidence to believe that lies are God's Truth... and then by getting herself an interview.
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| Melanie lost the staring match in a record three seconds. |
Phoebe totally kills in this interview. Melanie's only concern was that Phoebe was so much older than the other folks applying for the gig, for which she had some answer that I don't remember. Maybe it was that older chicks don't run meth labs? I can't remember. The only thing left is to make sure Phoebe's one reference checks out.
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| She told me there would be cake. There is no cake. |
Kellyanne (Dominique Swain) give Phoebe a glowing recommendation. At knife point. We will also learn that Phoebe doesn't go anywhere without her handy butcher knife.
Now Phoebe's in. It doesn't take long for Melanie's concerns about Phoebe to kick in, such as her relentlessly inappropriate flirting with car lot owner, and client Eric Roberts.
Now it's time for Phoebe to meet the family. The daughter loves her and she flirts with the husband a bit which also concerns Melanie, but Alex tells her to relax, Phoebe is great. Then a couple days later on their anniversary date, the babysitter cancels. I'm sure in an extended cut of this Phoebe murdered her, but she's claims she sick. Fortunately Phoebe is there to step up to the plate. She arrives ready to babysit, first by fixing Alex's tie then giving him a neck rub.
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| Little Tina wanted in on this Bunny Hop. |
This also concerns Melanie who can barely enjoy dinner. Then Phoebe gets to watching the kid, by telling her the worst fairy tale ever. .
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| Once upon a time, a lady came into your house and murdered your mom. The End. |
Basically she tells this kid there ain't no Happily Ever After, people crap on you over and over and over again, and then one more time again. And then you die. Sleep tight little girl! But despite that terrible fairytale, Tina still invites Phoebe to her birthday party this coming weekend, which now has Melanie on edge about Phoebe and how she's integrating herself into her life. It doesn't help that Phoebe CONSTANTLY tells Melanie how lucky she is to have the life she has. Melanie is so transfixed on Phoebe she even can't even get a decent nights sleep since her dreams basically constitute Phoebe Cowgirling her husband.
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| It's just a dream girlfriend. You could just join in. |
Yeah... Melanie has some issues and needs to fix this.
But now it's time for Phoebe to start killing some folks. First there's Eric Roberts who sends Phoebe some dick pics after she leaves the babysitting gig, and Eric invites her to his office to get a closer look at his 'package'. Ew. Phoebe arrives at his office dressed in what can only be called murder clothes featuring a black overcoat and black gloves, but Eric perceives this to be part of the roleplay. Then he invites her to get a good look at his computer screen because apparently he has quite the collection of pics of his dick to show her. It's pretty horrible to listen to.
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| If the minimize and maximize buttons weren't so close, this could've been avoided. |
Well, Phoebe doesn't like looking at pictures of Eric Roberts dick and strangles him. The odd thing about this is when Melanie is informed about his death at work, she is told that he killed himself via autoerotic asphyxiation, which I guess works for Phoebe' coverup, but if she left the scene like we left her, that would that mean that the authorities found Eric Roberts masturbating to pictures of his own dick? I'm sorry, and I know people do things that some of us may consider strange, but I'd have to launch an investigation into this because I don't think anybody does that. Forgive me if all of this seems inappropriate but it's all in the damn movie. And I don't think Eric Roberts has made it alive out of any of these movies so far.
Don't forget there's Tina's birthday party to attend, where Phoebe gives Tina a special gift.
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| I Don't look like Opie from Andy Griffiths! Take it back! |
Little man right there is quite traumatized because Tina told Phoebe that she liked this boy, thus Phoebe arranged it so Tina got to make out with this boy at her birthday party. Thank GOD we didn't get to watch this, but little man is quite upset and just wants to go home. Phoebe lets Melanie know what she did, no shame in her game, because she wanted Tina to have a party she will remember. She most definitely will remember this party, followed by years of therapy.
Things at work have started to implode as well. Melanie finally got that meeting with her college roomie, only to find her all pissy acting, because somebody told her that Melanie made out with her college boyfriend twenty years ago. Despite the fact it was twenty years ago and it was just a boyfriend, I think that one is an easy fix with a simple denial, unless Phoebe had pictures of said event, which she didn't. Vivica Fox is super upset with Melanie for not snagging this meeting, but Phoebe made it happen though, and Vivica is loving some Phoebe and her go-getter attiutude. Phoebe also stole some contacts from Melanie's work buddies which has them super pissed off at her as well.
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| One more side-eye and I'm going to HR. |
And when Melanie confronts Phoebe about her duplicitous actions, Phoebe has less shame in her game than ever, letting her know that she's coming for everything she has, including her hot husband who Phoebe knows Melanie hasn't been servicing properly. She does go into some detail on how she would properly treat her husband. Note that Melanie has found the plain sight camera in her bedroom, which is the first time this has ever happened in a Wrong Movie.
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| They picked an odd time to have a dance battle. |
Melanie didn't take to well all Phoebe's smack talk, and got a good slap for her disrespect, but that too plays right into Phoebe's master plan. Melanie needs to find out why this chick is terrorizing her and it so happens one of her work mates is a computer guy and he has skills. He finds out her real name and all kinds of stuff, and leaves a message for the other work mate with all that he found. He will tell her more tomorrow. We all know tomorrow will not come.
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| Sometimes it feels so it good hurts... but this just plain hurts. |
Not sure why she killed him since he already blabbed everything he found out.
Melanie then tracks down the woman who gave Phoebe that glowing recommendation, which leads her to some kind of halfway house, but Dominque Swain is far too traumatized to talk to Melanie and insists that she leave. Not that Phoebe gives a damn about that because she shows up soon after, just in case she changes her mind about talking.
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| Is that Suave? Smells like the expensive brands, but cheaper! |
It doesn't look like it but she just got stabbed. That butcher knife is getting quite the workout.
Finally Melanie tracks down the parole officer of Phoebe, who's real name is Lisa, who spills the beans which I'm sure is some kind of privacy violation. So Phoebe's mom died when she was two, her father re-married but died in a car accident when Phoebe was four. The stepmom then gives Phoebe to her grandparents which began a cascade of physical terror and sexual abuse for poor Phoebe, starting with the grandparents and then continued with subsequent terrible foster homes. What does any of this have to do with Melanie? Turns out that stepmother who gave her away was Melanie's mom (Dee Wallace), who would soon remarry and have Melanie a year later. She blames her stepmom for everything. Phoebe's already had words with Stepmom...
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| Phoebe's second attempt at staging an autoerotic asphyxiation. Somehow, I don't think it's gonna fly this time. |
And now it's time to close the deal. Everything that Melanie has, the great career, the hot husband, the cute kid... will soon all belong to Phoebe.
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| Phoebe impressed with the way the gun matched her sweater. |
Melanie is begging for her life, telling Phoebe that she going to get her the help she needs, but Phoebe doesn't look like she's into getting help. Shooting Melanie dead in her own house might not seem like a solid plan, but Phoebe has it all mapped out. They fight over the gun, she shoots her in self defense, and many people have already seen Melanie perform violent acts against Phoebe so it looks like this plan might actually work! But alas, a woman who murdered, connived and planned down to the last finite item, for some reason didn't finish murdering mom.
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| When Hide and Seek goes terribly wrong. |
I'm not the first person to say this, but if you're gonna kill a M**** F****, make sure that M**** F**** stays dead. Words to live by. Before this, finishing the murder job didn't seem to a problem Phoebe had. Oh, and she said something like 'You're the Wrong Mommy!' when she hit her on the head with the bat. Hell if I know where the bat came from. In fact I have all kinds of problems with the scene while fully recognizing it was time for the movie to end. You see Phoebe 'kills' mom at moms house, so mom would have to regain consciousness, find a bat, or go to Dick's Sporting goods and buy a bat, drive across town and then club her abandoned stepdaughter on the head with a bat. I don't know.
And thus ends the tale of the Wrong Mommy, who was really the Wrong Office Assistant attempting to be a Mommy. Or something. Mom did tell her daughter why she abandoned poor Phoebe / Lisa, and quite honestly we're not buying it. Hopefully Phoebe's not dead so she can eventually finish the job.
The Wrong Mommy was a little light on The Wrong scale if only because Ashlynn Yennie didn't seem crazy enough. Now don't get me wrong as Ms. Yennie is a fine actress and very good looking to boot, but she came off as a very damaged hot chick doing bad things, who we kind of had empathy for, as opposed to an unreasonably crazy person doing unreasonably crazy things. It's fine line, especially in a Wrong Movie. And her plan, while narratively has all kinds of holes in it, basically the stack of stabbed and strangled bodies which had to lead back to somebody, but other than that it kind of makes sense and can logically work if you punch yourself in the head a couple times. We like our Wrong Plans to be a little more incoherent if possible.
Three Wrongs!
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