The Nine Kittens of Christmas
We reject this movie my friends. Not because it's terrible, in fact it very well could be better than the first movie which came out seven years ago, but we do not, cannot accept this movie. This monstrosity violates everything that's true and sacred about the Holiday Romantic Movie... the Happily Ever After. If we can't trust in that, what is there left to believe in? But we watched this tragedy, so we have to talk about it.
When the movie starts we fully expect Fireman Zack (Brandon Routh) and Marilee the vet (Kimberly Sustad) to be in TinyTown, well into their happy marriage with plenty of cats and maybe a couple of exceptionally tall hijos running around. Instead we see Marilee tending to her veterinary practice in Miami and giving a kiss to her fellow vet and new man Miles (Nathan Witte). Oh Miles, you ain't gonna have no woman anymore when this movie is over, or maybe you will, I don't know... nothing matters anymore.
But it's Christmas time and Marilee is heading back to TinyTown to hang out with her sister Jaclyn (Stephanie Bennet), Jaclyn's husband and her adorable niece Sierra (Linden McMillan) because family is everything to her. I forgot that they let us know that her parents were murdered in the first movie, or something, and that she and her sister raised each other. But Miles says he can't come right away as their practice needs some critical attention but he promises to be there the next day.
Zack for his part is still a fireman, still caring for his cat Ambrose, note that Marilee's cat from the first movie is totally dead, and is making his plans to go skiing alone, as he does every Christmas since he and Marilee broke up. Why am I even doing this.
Those plans get put on hold when someone drops off a box full of kittens in front of the firehouse and Zack just can't let these kittens be homeless, now can he? Plus he has run into Marilee, those old feeling are bubbling up again, and they agree to work together to help find these nine kittens new adoptive homes.
Then Miles calls and says he will not be able to make it to TinyTown at all due to problems at the practice. Marilee is NOT happy about this, not even a little bit. Miles says he'll make it up to her, that they'll make a special trip together to TinyTown on President's Day. President's Day Miles? Yeah bro, you deserve to have no woman.
Just so you know, Zack and Marilee broke up because Zack wanted to keep the relationship on the status quo but Marilee wanted to take it to the next level. Zack was afraid if they did take it to the next level, he would lose her. He lost her anyway. Also, Zack's boss Chief Sam (Gregory Harrison) is ready to shut it down and wants to name Zack the new Chief but Zack is afraid that he won't be good enough. For a tall, handsome, straight, fit white American male Zack sure is lacking in the confidence.
Even though Zack's confidence issues are getting on Marilee's last nerve, with the kitty adoption thing happening, and the time being spent together, those old feeling are coming back strong, to the point were these two even share an impassioned kiss at the firestation. And, since she's pretty much broken up with Miles, she's thinking of moving back to TinyTown and taking over the old retired vet's practice. Her sister Jacky just wants her to make sure she would be moving back because she wants to, and not for wishy-washy-ass Zack.
Marilee and Zack have independently decided they should be together, and they would make this happen at this big Christmas party but then gatdamn Miles show up to make a grand gesture and get his woman back. Miles was begging, doing his best work to win her back, but Marilee had to let him know it was not to be. They sadly hug, go there separate ways and Marilee hangs her head. Anyone one watching can plainly see that these two have clearly broken up but Zack, who saw all this happen from a window, has somehow translated this into Miles and Marilee getting married or something. I don't know. This guy. Anyway, he runs away from the party and whines to his cat. Marilee see's Zack run off like a big sissy and sadly goes home and whines to her cat. Her new cat, not the dead cat. Because it's dead.
Marilee doesn't know what to do about this wishy-washy, bitch-ass, fragile-ass man she is in love with but her cat knows! She rustles arounds in Marilee's purse, gets her phone and somehow, without opposable thumbs, calls Zack. Zack wasn't going to answer the phone, because he's a bitch, but Ambrose the cat answers it for him. Marilee explains to Zack that while Miles is a good guy, confident, ambitious, knows what he wants in life and isn't afraid to go get it, she clearly doesn't find those qualities attractive in a man. She wants him. Zack finally sees the light, grabs the last two kittens that need adopting, gets down on a knee and proposes. And all is good again... At Christmas. I guess. If I were Miles I'd hang around town for a few more days and see what shakes out because we don't trust these two anymore.
So this unnecessary sequel actually improves on a few things from the first movie. Brandon Routh, for instance, seemed like he actually enjoyed being in this movie as opposed to the benign indifference he exhibited in the first film. Also, this version was far more Christmassy than the first film as we had some cookie baking and a little cocoa drinking, way more decorations, more Christmas music, more Christmas parties and an overall more festive Holiday atmosphere. Still no snow and I am now convinced that supply chain issues have stopped snow machines from working in July, but I can say that this sequel felt a lot more like a Christmas movie than the first one. And finally we have the lovely actress Victoria Dunsmore, playing the role of Chief Sam's firefighter daughter Gabi. She is important in this movie because she is actually taller than Kimberly Sustad, which meant there was at least one person in this movie, other than Brandon Routh, that Miss Kimberly didn't tower over and intimidatingly look down on.
But here we are, despite the improvements, still with the same problem. What happened to our happily ever after dammit! We don't ask much from you people, in fact we tolerate an awful lot. All we ask is that we get our Happily Ever After. That's all. But the callously evil people behind this movie heartlessly took that away from us. You guys do realize that you could've made a much belated sequel and still let us have our Happily Ever After, right? There are watcher's of the genre who proclaim that The Nine Lives of Christmas is their absolute favorite Holiday Romance Movie. Admittedly, I'm not one of these people, but they are out there. And for them... I weep.
Sill, more Christmassy than the first movie. Three Vomits.
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