The Wrong Cheer Captain
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| One of these chicks is nuts. Hint: It's the one in focus. |
Welcome to Pine Hills High which specializes in grown-ass women pretending to be high school cheerleaders. Emma (Claire Tablizo) is a little concerned, and by 'little' I mean her life depends on it concerned, that she won't be named this years cheer captain, but her bestie Kate (Alexis Samone) assures her that it's a lock. Emma does point out that the new girl, Anna (Sofia Masson) is a much better cheerleader, but she's only been at the school a few weeks, and coach Johnson (Chelsea Gilson) let the girls know that being cheer captain isn't just talent based, you also cannot be a murderous psycho, which pretty much disqualifies Anna. Though they don't know this yet.
Kate then heads home to have dinner with her super busy paralegal mom Vivica A. Fox.
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| If we pray hard enough, food just might magically appear in the bowl. |
Kate's mom is a study in contradiction. She first mentions what a great wife she will make for some man after the amazing dinner Kate just made, then in the next sentence begged her daughter not to be like her and get caught up with some man who will invariably walk out on her, just like Kate's dad walked out on them. Which one is it gonna be Vivica? Also, in these movies where Vivica plays a single mom, her missing husband is rarely dead, just a dead beat who abandoned her and the family. What is Vivica A. Fox trying tell us here?
Later that evening, Kate is denied sleep by her bothersome bestie still stressing over the cheer captain gig.
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| She sees I'm in bed, I'm in PJ's and the lights are off, but she still won't let me go to sleep. All I want to do is sleep. |
The next day at school Anna the psycho is called into the office of Principal Jackee to discuss a few things.
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| Jackee could only wonder why neither Tia nor Tamera have reached out to put her in one of their Christmas movies. |
At first Principal Jackee just wanted to make sure Anna was adjusting well to the new school, but her main objective was to make sure there would be no trouble from Anna, similar to the trouble from her last school. At this moment we don't know what that is, but we will learn that it will be the sudden and unexplained death of her best friend which most think was murder, and Anna's subsequent stay in an asylum. So basically Principle Jackee is asking Anna not to murder anybody and then go crazy. Anna didn't not heed any of those warnings.
After that tense meeting with Principle Jackee, Anna had to destress a bit.
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| Blowing a 1.8 before lunch does indicate a problem. |
Unfortunately this school has a strict no vaping policy and Anna was caught vaping, pretty much in plain sight for everybody to see, by Mr. Olsen the hunky math teacher (Marc Hermann). He first told Anna that she's stupid at math and that her crap grades are going to keep off the cheerleader team, and then told her her he's probably going to totally narc on her for vaping. On Monday. Because it's Friday and he doesn't do his job on Friday. Giving Anna a whole weekend to find a way out of this mess was not a good move Mr. Olsen.
So Coach Johnson gathers her cheerleaders and names Emma the Cheer Captain as expected. All the girls were happy. Except one of course. In fact, Anna went to the coach to express her displeasure with her choice. Coach Johnson told Anna that Emma was more qualified to be the captain, but if it wasn't for Emma's high standards, Anna might've been named captain. Anna heard this. In fact she asked the coach THREE TIMES, 'So if Emma weren't captain, I'd be captain?' She needed clarification on this.
But with Emma named captain it's time for of one my favorite Wrong Movie events, the High School Pool Party.
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| Ain't no party like a Wrong High School Party! |
Dude, these high school parties are LIT! Tons of liquor, drugs, rampant sex, and nearly naked people all over the place. I've never been to a party like this ever, much less in high school. The one person who isn't having any fun at this off the chain party is Anna, who has tracked down Emma to try convince her, to convince coach, to allow them to be co-cheer captains. Naturally Emma tells Anna to kick rocks, but this conversation isn't lost on Emma's boyfriend Shane (Noah Fearnley).
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| Wait, you seriously don't like my leopard print speedos? |
Sadly Shane should've been paying much closer attention to his girl, as opposed to all the time he spends with his girlfriends best friend, who are tighter than any boyfriend and girlfriends best friend ever, because he would've noticed Anna spiking Emma's drink with something, and then he wouldn't be leaning over an unconscious Emma screaming like a big musclebound shirtless sissy.
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| I don't know bruh, try Love's One True Kiss? Maybe that'll work? |
Now I was thinking that poor Emma would simply be disabled, laid up in a coma or something until her eventual revival at the end of the movie, but nope, Emma be DEAD yo! Donezo. Pushing up freaking daisies. Tox screens show Emma died of an overdose of some drug called 'Honey' which is a steroid of some sort. The rumor floating around, unfortunately, is that her boyfriend gave it to her as a roofie of some kind, a rumor which has reached the ears of Vivica A. Fox who has now forbade her daughter from hanging out with Shane. Kate had to assure her mother that Shane needed no drugs to get his girlfriend between the sheets. Not an issue. According to Kate, Emma had to have it early and often from whomever. No drugs needed. I'm just repeating what Kate inferred is all.
Well with one murder taken care of, Anna's weekend is just getting started.
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| Love the fake Picasso! |
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| But I think I like this even more! |
Here she is creeping around Mr. Olsen's rather spacious home, who we must say does very well for himself as a single High School Math teacher. At first I though she was going to murder him too, but nope, she just wants to watch him shower and put some photos on his laptop. Note that she's already put these same photos on his work laptop as well. Don't these people have passwords on their computers?
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| Showering without soap just feels so much better. |
Meanwhile, Kate and Shane are comforting each other on Emma's death. By being in bed together. I assume they are not having sex, but I can't confirm they aren't having sex either.
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| All I'm saying is this is what Emma would've wanted baby. |
They are also cooking up a plan to trap Anna because Kate is convinced that she caused her besties death in some kind of way. They better think of something quick because Anna's plan is already taking root. The next day at school Mr. Olsen gets a visit from my favorite character in all of cinema, the Lifetime Movie Cop.
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| Despite the gun, badge and notepad, I can assure you I am not here to do any quality police work. Relax. |
Detective Page over here (Shellie Sterling) has gotten an anonymous tip that Mr. Olsen has pictures of girls on his work computer, but not just pictures of any old girls, but pictures of CHEERLEADERS!!! I mean for real, right? Mr. Olsen denies this of course, asks the logical question of why would he keep pictures of cheerleaders on his work computer, but this doesn't stop Detective Page from arresting him. Now I admit I am not sure what the charge is here. I understand that keeping pictures of girls in bikinis on one's work computer is highly inappropriate, but is it against the law? Even if they're underage, which I know these rather mature teenagers are not, but even then is it against the law? Hell if I know.
Regardless, the plan worked. With Mr. Olsen ushered out in cuffs, Anna is named Cheer Captain and all is well in Anna Land. The only problem for Anna at the moment is that pesky best friend. The problem as they see it is that they don't know anything about Anna, and she has no social media presence which is almost unheard of for a teenage girl so Kate convinces Shane to semi-seduce Anna to get some critical info about her.
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| That water drinking technique was almost too much for a poor girl to resist. |
Well that worked. The seduction part at least not really the information part, because Anna was ready go. Shane barely made it out of there. The only thing Shane did manage to find was some random high T-shirt that Anna keeps on top of all her clothes in her dresser. I guess the spirit still burns bright for 'ol Lombard High. Armed with this information, this is the point where high schoolers in a wrong movie start doing The Research, since the cops don't believe in investigating jack. Kate and Shane bum rush a couple of Lombard High school chicks who start pooping diamonds at the mere mention of Anna's name and get the hell away from them, then they bum rush the mother of some dead girl, played by Wrong legend Meredith Thomas, and ask her a bunch of leading and incriminating questions. Before they walked in, she was pretty sure her daughter had committed suicide, but after an earful of Kate's conspiracy theories, she was on the murder train with Kate. Up to this point absolutely nobody believes Kate's murder theories, and she's told basically everybody. Her mom doesn't believe her, her coach thinks she needs mental help and even Shane doesn't think Anna's a murderer.
Anna is on to Kate and her shenanigans and breaks into her house later that night. To do what? I'm not sure, I guess murder, but Kate did call the police forcing Anna to scurry away.
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| My notepad is out, but no worries, I'm not writing anything in it. It's just my grocery list. |
Kate tries to tell them that Anna broke into her house, but our erstwhile detective doesn't believe this to be true. Frustrated beyond all reasonable belief, Kate decides to just kick Anna's ass.
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| When coach said 'kiss and make up', she did not mean this literally. |
That just gets another stern talking to from coach as Kate is not honoring her murdered friends memory properly.
Coach finally starts to come around when she gets a visit from the hot math teacher who should be plenty clean by now after that shower. Mind you, she's always been suspicious of circumstances surrounding Mr. Olsen's arrest, even bringing these concerns to Principal Jackee, reminding the principal that they've both doing their jobs for pretty much the same number of years, which can't be remotely true, unless Coach Johnson started her coaching career invitro.
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| Why yes, it is a Members Only Jacket. Circa 1986. Good eye! |
NOW Coach Johnson does her own research, basically rummaging through Anna's book bag, which I'm sure is some kind of privacy violation, and finding her murder drugs.
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| Anna feels it's better to have murder drugs and not need them, than to need murder drugs and not have them. |
Why does Anna keeps murder drugs in her book bag? Who knows? We do know that Anna doesn't like people who snoop and find her murder drugs.
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| You can call me Bat Girl. |
So a clearly deranged person walks into your office with a bat, you decide to try to reason with this person, tell this person you're going get them the help they need, that they obviously do not want. Then you move from the safety behind your desk to face this deranged person with a bat and ask them did they murder somebody. So I don't know why one would be surprised when the person with the bat proceeds to beat you senseless with this bat.
Fortunately for coach, as Anna was loading her next murder syringe, Kate stopped by. Anna announced to Kate she's going to kill her too, but Kate isn't having it.
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| Shouldn't have bought a syringe to a fist fight. |
I didn't like Anna's chances in this fight since Kate has like four inches and forty pounds on her. Crazy can only get you so far.
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| You are so lucky I had Taco Bell for lunch today! |
Anna ends up stabbing herself with the syringe, which you'd think would kill this ninety five pound woman, like it's killed everybody else she's jabbed, but she would survive.
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| Damn that's good! I need to write this down! Has anybody seen my notepad? Or my gun? |
With the terror of the Cheer Captain over, Kate and Vivica A. Fox get a visit from our detective, who apparently poorly investigates computer picture crime, breaking and entering crime, and attempted murder crime, who thanks Kate for doing her freaking job and that we all owe her a debt of gratitude. Vivica A. Fox delivers the line, which all things considered makes very little sense at the time, while our detective also informs us that Anna is out of her coma at the insane asylum and doesn't remember anything. Or does she?
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| As far as straitjackets go, I must say this is one of the more fashionable entries. |
I must admit, I missed these relatively terrible movies. And by terrible I mean terribly awesome if Vivica A. Fox is reading this and wants to rethink giving me a job. It's feels like eons since I've seen a bunch of grown ass women pretending to be high school chicks, where I think the coach and the math teacher are literally younger than the kids they are supposed to be teaching. I don't know how long it's been since I've seen this many shirtless dudes take random showers for no reason or spontaneously start doing curls. Thanks director David DeCoteau! I mostly got what I expected from this one including a fractured narrative that's beyond repair, a bad girl running on pure crazy with our hero girl not being all that more sane, and the fact she killed the cheer captain so she could put being cheer captain on her college application. I don't know how admission officers look at the absence of being Cheer Captain on applications, but mass murder is probably a big turn off too, Anna. Just a guess. It's been a while since I filled one of those things out, so what do I know?
Three Wrongs!
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