Hot Girl Winter
As 'Hot Girl Winter' opens, the Tubi splash screen greets with a TV-14 rating with the warning of 'Sexual Situations' and 'Sexual Suggestions'. Gotta say I'm not used to those kinds of warnings from my Hallmarky Romantic Holiday Movies, but these are warnings one should definitely be aware of before taking this challenge. Our film opens with Jess (Golden Brooks), or Mrs. Claus as it were traipsing down the stairs in her skimpy nightie because she needs Nick (Jason Mimms), or Santa Claus as it were, to scratch a certain itch. Unfortunately Nick is nowhere to be found as he is back in the warehouse making toys or whatever Santa has to do around the holidays, thus Jess has to go to bed frustrated yet again.
No worries because the next morning is the day Jess and Nick are supposed to be off to fun in the sun for their 30th wedding anniversary, but again it will not happen. Their teenage son Kris (D'Varijay Harris) has informed Nick that all of the elves are sick thus Nick has to stay behind to get the toys made and answer the Christmas Letters. Young Kris thinks he can handle it, being as how he is Santa in Waiting but Nick doesn't think he's ready and the Vacay is called off. Jess is PISSED! I could point out that it is a week before Christmas, Jess's husband is Santa Claus, and thus I imagine this is the busy season so who schedules vacations during this time, but that's Jess for you, and she is not in the least bit sympathetic. Having had enough of this blatant neglect, Jess calls her college bestie Tamira (Sarah Purcell) grabs her stuff and jumps on a plane to Miami without Nick to let the man think about where his priorities should be. Dammit.
Just so you know Jess has super powers being Mrs. Claus and stuff. She makes trees light up and turn into Christmas Trees just by walking by them. Mind you this doesn't really play in the narrative in anyway, just something that happens and I feel the need to tell you about it. So Jess arrives in Miami, immediately gets her luggage stolen, takes a Lyft to her besties house, gets roasted about her crappy clothes and now it's time for some middle-aged hotties to go shopping and go to parties.
At one of these parties Jess meets D'Vante (Thony Meta) who puts on his best full frontal assault but Jess does tell the young man that she is married, not that D'Vante gives a rats ass about her husband. This party is a little bit too much for Jess so she steps outside for some air, with D'Vante close behind only for to be insulted by some Young Thugs who Jess promptly dressed down because she has Naughty Book information on everybody, and then they all break into a dance number. That happened.
Another night, time for another party and in this party bestie Tamira meets and old boyfriend who ferries her into a bathroom and proceeds to go down on her. I think that may qualify for a 'sexual situation'. Also, that is a first for my Hallmarky Romantic Movie watching. While her friend is in the bathroom doing all of that, Jess is feeling flustered from a drink and takes a seat where she meets the dashing Andy (Danny Pardo) with the two striking up a fast friendship, with Jess failing to inform Andy about her marital situation.
Back at the North Pole, Nick is visibly upset about his wife not being around but has decided to give her some space, despite the his son thinks that's a terrible idea because he knows his mom is a F'N WHORE!!! No, no just joking. Jess is not a whore. However she is going out to romantic dinners with Andy, volunteers to do sexy salsa dancing with Andy and performs on the pole for D'Vante while going to D'Vante's place of employment, that being a strip club, and stuffing dollar bills in his shorts. This behavior may lead one to THINK that Jess is an unfaithful wife, but no, just... I don't know... whatever.
Eventually, after seeing pictures of his wife's shenanigans on the socials, as shown to him by his son, Nick decides it's time to go to Miami to go get his woman, but he may be too late. When he gets there he sees his wife having romantic dinners with other men and whatnot, and he feels all is lost but NOT SO FAST! Somehow Jess has realized that she's not ready for her marriage to end, this revelation coming at a fund raiser for the unhoused featuring men stripping while being bid on by lustful housewives. As it so happens, Nick was mistakenly thought to be one of the dancers and thus has to get on stage to strip, much to the surprise of his wife who is in the audience. I think is the first Santa I've seen in any movie who has a legit six pack and two ass dimples. Is the knowledge I should know about Santa Claus? Probably not. Just to let you know that Nick was able to get pretty much get all of clothes off before his wife jumped on stage to stop him.
Jess let's Nick know she cannot stand by and continue to be neglected, Nick says he will not neglect her any further and asks if she still likes licking his candy cane. I think this qualifies as 'sexual language'. And they kiss and all is well. For everybody. That guy that went down on Tamira in the bathroom? He has decided he wants more from her than public restroom sex and wants a real relationship. Andy felt betrayed once he found out Jess was married, but Jess found a way to get Andy and his ex-wife back together, even though I had no idea that was something either of them wanted. Something to do with a letter to Santa from his daughter, a daughter I think that is in her thirties. And Jess and Nick head back home so Nick can do his freaking Santa job and Jess can... I guess... lick his candy cane? At Christmas. I don't write this stuff people, I just report on it.
To say that 'Hot Girl Winter' is a different type of Romantic Christmas Movie would be a bit of an understatement, as it is a warm weather Christmas movie which we automatically disapprove of, I don't think I saw anyone drink hot cocoa though people did drink a lot of hard alcohol. I can guarantee you that Jess didn't make any cookies, I didn't see any near miss kisses and public bathroom oral sex does not count. Santa did wear his fair share of ugly Christmas sweaters it's just that on this particular Santa nothing he wore looked ugly. And I don't think I heard a single Christmas carol.
What I did get was Mrs. Claus on swinging on the pole, kind of, because Golden Brooks clearly doesn't know how to pole dance so she just kind of walked around the pole, and Santa stripping down to his undies while talking dirty. So if you ever get weary of cookie factories and bakeries that need saving, and orphan kids that need rescuing and require your mistletoe to lead to more... uh... things beyond a simple kiss, then I may have the movie for you and that movie is Hot Girl Winter.
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