Christmas Wedding Planner
Wait... what just happened in this movie? Um... okay... yeah... I'm kind of scratching my head trying to process this, that I have seen, and to be honest the process is malfunctioning. Probably not too uncommon at my age, but yeah... So what we're going to do, is what we always do, and just describe the movie to you and hope that after that's done this sad excuse for a holiday movie will reveal itself to me.
Simple enough, Kelsey (Jocelyn Hudon) is a budding wedding planner, planning the gigantic Christmas wedding of her beloved cousin Emily (Rebecca Dalton) to the dashing Todd (Eric Hicks). Kelsey narrates for us via texts, detailing her various insecurities, that she sends to someone who never texts back. Pretty certain already who this person is.
Then at the bridal coming out party there's this clown Connor (Stephan Huszar) hanging around who Emily's super stern mom and Kelsey's Aunt Olivia (Kelly Rutherford) wants gone. Reason being that Connor just ghosted Emily 10 years ago and shattered her poor heart and Aunt Olivia knows he is up to no good. What Kelsey learns is that Connor is actually a Private Investigator hired by some secretive outside force to investigate Emily's potential husband. Connor has the bright idea the he and Kelsey should partner up and give him some inside info. Of course Kelsey will have nothing to do with this, not wishing to destroy the wedding of Emily, who is her defacto sister as they were raised side by side, until she sees Todd do something a little strange, and now she and the P.I are on Todd's case.
To the surprise of no one, over the course of I guess three days and maybe five hours spent together, love begins blossom between the P.I. and the Planner. Until something horrible is revealed and love is lost forever... and probably should've remained lost forever... love probably should have never happened in the first place... and then something weird happens.
As we all know in these holiday movies there is going to be The Break-Up, and as I explained to my colleague Lisa there are soft break ups and hard break ups. A soft break up usually involves something like our heroine getting an out of town job offer that the hero assumes she's going to take, but of course she never does. Or our heroine overhears a conversation between our hero and somebody and assumes he may care for someone else, but of course he was talking about her. A Hard break up is usually based upon some kind of deception. Like our heroine is sent into town to shut down the cookie factory and never tells her new love that owns the cookie factory that this is why she's in town, until it's too late. Or our heroine reporter is secretly doing an expose on our hero, whom she falls for, but somehow someone clicks 'send' and the article gets published anyway and all is lost, until it is not. Christmas Wedding Planner has a hard break up. Rock Hard. But while our hero's deception... more or less... isn't good, it really has nothing to do with the heroine. If it sounds confusing, it's because it is. One of the many confusing things in this movie.
You see, by the time movie was nearing it's long awaited conclusion I was more than content to 1) have the groom Todd actually be a very good guy with the wedding happening and 2) Kelsey and Connor never getting together. He's a douchebag, she's a ditz, they really don't need to be together. I would've been good with that. But no, this didn't happen. Connor, the worst P.I. ever, manages to find some dirt on Todd just before the 'I Do's' and destroys the wedding. The conjuring of this evidence is so ridiculous it's not even worth mentioning, other than a decent P.I. should've found this out a while ago. Also, now Kelsey has somehow forgiven Connor for accepting a bribe to abandon her defacto sister ten years ago. I don't know why she's forgiven him, nothing's really changed, he really did take a bribe no matter what excuses he gives and he is really an asshole. And she probably shouldn't be dating her faux sister's ex anyway. Don't women have a Bro Code?
So they get back together, even though they were never together to begin with, but here's the kicker... While Connor has completely ruined Emily's life... again... and her wedding, no reason to send the priest and the guests home because Connor just proposes to Kelsey and amazingly, she says yes! These two people literally do not know each other, have not even spent the equivalent of an entire work day together, and now they are going to get married. And this just dawned on me.... why doesn't Kelsey know Connor? She was was raised side by side with Emily, so she just forgot about this five year boyfriend that broke her cousin's heart back in the day? Anyway, these two get married. Yay. The movie ends with Connor carrying Kelsey over threshold into what I believe is a bedroom, because... I guess... it's sex time? I mean it's his wife, right? Sure, Kelsey is about to bang essentially a total stranger, but hey... it's her husband. Happily ever after y'all. I don't think she even knows his last name.
On top of the movie being gawdafully terrible and intellectually offensive, it wasn't even very Christmassy. Kelsey is not a Christmas Wedding Planner, she's wedding planner planning a wedding around Christmas. Could've taken place at any time of the year. Not a lot of Christmas music, light ornamentation in the background, no egg nog, no Christmas tree shopping, no caroling, no cookie baking... nothing. There was snow though, so I guess that is something.
A terrible, nonsensical regular movie, and a terrible TV Christmas movie. And I watched this on Netflix which means I paid for this. Thanks Netflix.
Wow, I just love this story.
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