Santa Baby
I think I got my mind right again, for after watching the Netflix production of 'A Christmas Wedding Planner', a movie which took what little that is good about these Hallmark styled Christmas movies and made it bad, then took everything that's bad about these Hallmark style Christmas movies and made it terrible... I needed a break for a bit. And I had to put Netflix on suspension as punishment, meaning I won't be watching the lovely Vanessa Hudgins in The Princess Switch or Kurt Russel as Santa Clause in The Christmas Chronicles for a while. Do you have any idea how bad a movie has to be that forces one to put Kurt Russell as Santa on hold? Fortunately 'Santa Baby' from a few years back rights the ship. It's not good or anything, but it's competently predictable, completely run of the mill, and totally inoffensive. We'll take it.
Mary Class (Jenny McCarthy) is a work obsessed consultant who doesn't have time for the Holidays... bla bla bla... Here's the thing though, Mary simply dropped the 'u' from her name because she's actually Mary Claus, the daughter of Santa (George Wendt) and she's gotten word from Mrs. Claus (Lynne Griffin) that her old man has had a mild heart attack and Christmas might be in danger.
So it's off to the North Pole with her assistant and best friend Donna (Kandyse McClure) to make sure the old man gets well and save Christmas. Problem is Mary has a lot bright ideas about streamlining the processes and modernizing things to increase productivity which puts her at odds with Santa. Things are complicated further for Mary as her old boyfriend Hunky Luke (Ivan Sergei) is still in town. Mary already has a boyfriend in Douchey Grant (Tobias Mehler) who we can guarantee you won't have a girlfriend anymore by the end of this movie.
Sadly all of Mary's bright ideas are a flop, including her double loop candy cane which looks like a bicycle hook, the elves are idiots and can't follow her simple instructions, Grant shows up by surprise and has the bright idea to turn Santa Town into a shopping mall, in addition to catching her making out with her old boyfriend. And Christmas is screwed. Unless Mary learns to 'believe'. Which she will. and Christmas is saved. Yay!
So while this movie, as a work of cinematic art, is not very good, it does feature one of the planet Earth's hottest women in this young lady right here.
Kandyse, you bought that rare sliver of light into the eternal darkness that was Battlestar Galactica. Why they hid you behind thick glasses and sweaters, when you have so much more to offer this movie, is a mystery to me.
But wait! There's more! As you are probably aware, there is another super hot woman in this movie in this young lady right here...
Ms. Parker-Kennedy can be currently be seen on the CW's The Flash where she plays a teenager despite the fact she's in her mid-30's. Unfortunately I don't think she has enough light to shine and save what used to be a promising show. Why they hid you in an elf costume in this movie, other than the fact you aren't much bigger than one, is a mystery to me.
Oh, and Jenny McCarthy, who I am told is also hot, is in this movie for those of you who like that kind of thing.
As a movie, what can we tell you that you don't already know. Other than the fact it's called 'Santa Baby' and at no point does it actually play the song 'Santa Baby'. It is predictable, a little tired, but sweet and inoffensive, plus Jenny McCarthy is a decent actress and comedian so she has no problem carrying this nonsense. I do hate to be jerk and point out a 'plot hole' in a movie like this, but it is pretty glaring. The Douchey boyfriend shows up at Santa's front door, but Santa Town is hidden in a magic mountain, and the only way to get there is for Hunky boyfriend to put you on his dog sled and take you there. And Hunky wasn't taking to kind to Douchey so we know he didn't give him a ride. If this was like a regular movie this would be problem, but the important thing was for Douchey boyfriend to reveal his douchness, which he could only do by getting to Santa Town.
This movie is a little more vomit worthy than the other ABC Family movies I've seen which have tended to be a little more adult in nature and subversive, usually only using Christmas as a plot for some other craziness they have going on. At least 'Santa Baby' had a pure Christmas Theme, lots of snow, lots of ornaments and decorated trees, a speed cookie baking scene between Mary and her mom, and of course Santa Claus. On the minus side there were no cute kids to deal with, which under normal circumstances we wouldn't have problem with, but these kinds of movies kind of need a cute kid around, with bonus points if the kid is an orphan. And the background Christmas score was kind of lame. Hardly recognized any of the songs they were attempting to play.
Still, not a bad holiday time waster, especially for those who like these kinds of movies. Apparently there's a sequel out there somewhere, but I hear Kandyse isn't in it, so we will have to pass.
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