The Wrong Prince Charming

 The Wrong Prince Charming

Our film opens with some schlub minding his own business, watching TV in his own house when a psycho named Mia (Jamie Bernadette) breaks into his house and wants to know where 'HE' is because this is 'HIS' house.  Dude says this is his house and doesn't know what the hell she's talking about and threatens to call the police.  It's a Lifetime Movie bro.  The police will not help you.  Mia does agree to leave but ominously says 'she'll be back'.  She won't.  Totally unnecessary threat against some poor dude trying to watch TV.

Moving along, we meet Anna (Christine Prosperi), a hard working real-estate attorney working for the super successful, ball busting real-estate mogul Ms. Bridget (Vivica A. Fox).  That is if Anna had balls to bust.  In fact I don't think a single man works for Ms. Bridget now that I think about it.  When will men ever get a break!  Anyway, good fortune has smiled upon Ms. Bridget this day as the renowned Prince Edward of Devonshire (James Nitti) has made a 300 Million dollar offer to retrofit some downtown hotel and he wants her to handle the transaction.  Bridget wastes no time in putting her top girl on the job to do the research and make this deal happen.

Who sleeps like this?

Anna goes home, does her internet research while drinking wine, sees that the prince is hot and then goes to bed taking her wine to bed with her.  Anna may have a drinking problem.  

The next morning at work Bridgette and Anna go down to the hotel to meet with the prince, with Bridgette encouraging Anna to loosen up and have some fun while closing her deal.

There's only one reason for two men to be sitting that close
to each other on a three seat couch.

They meet the prince and his right hand man Liam (Jonathan Stoddard) and get down to business.  Devonshire is willing to give them the 300 million to renovate the joint, but need 30 million up front from Bridgette Corp because of Devonshire real-estate law bla bla bla... scam.  

Bridgette is comfortable with her day drinking problem.
Anna, sadly, realizes she needs help for her drinking problem.

Anna seems concerned about the 30mil payout, Bridgette not so much.  Besides, she has her top girl on the job, and tells her to drop whatever she's working on and focus only on the Devonshire deal, while constantly prompting Anna for some reaction about how hot the prince is. 

After the meeting, Prince Edward and Liam are accosted by that crazy chick Mia who wants her 200G back, but they pretend they don't know her and run away.  

Anna then has lunch with her bestie Heather (Jasmine Alvaliotis) who also tells her she needs to loosen up, as most of the women in Anna's life, at this point, seem pretty dead set on getting her laid.  Then they are accosted by crazy Mia who attempts to warn Anna that the Prince isn't who he says he is, but she is coming off like a complete psycho so she gets ignored.  Mia does drop down a business card and tells Anna to give her call when she gets robbed like she was.

They couldn't stop looking a her pleather Members Only
Jacket.  They heard rumors... but to see one in person...

We hang out with Mia a little bit more, who gets an awful lot screen time in this movie before we predict she gets eventually murked, having cocktails with her step sister, Carrie (Morgan Dixon), at a bar called 'Cocktails', while Edward looks on in a corner.  I don't know why they can't see him because he's like five feet away.  Mia, to hear Claire tell it, is a big screw up who is always getting herself into trouble with Claire having to bail her out, but she still loves her sister.  After Mia leaves, Edward walks the five feet across the bar to chat up Claire, because apparently Claire has never met the man who fleeced her sister out of 200 large.  

The next day, due to the EXTREME urgings of her boss, Anna shows Edward around town where they have a chat, Anna tells some sob story about her dead dad and why she became a lawyer and then Edward moves in for that kiss.  Ms. Bridgette would be quite pleased if she saw this.  

Three times prior, this potential kiss has ended in Anna getting
head-butted, so we understand her reticence

After the kiss Edward is quite pleased with himself and heads back to the hotel room where he and 'Liam' talk brass tacks about completing the big scam, especially now that he has Anna 'wrapped around his little finger'.  The funny thing about this scene is that they dropped their fake British accents, which is kind of a relief because Jonathan Stoddard's British accent is pretty awful, but James Nitti's American accent, being that he's actually British and all, is even worse.

Yes, Edward and Liam share a bed in this hotel room,
but please don't read anything into that.

Anna's bestie Heather, however, doesn't quite trust Liam.  She can't even put her finger on it, but there's something about that guy.  To ease the fears, Edward agrees to a double date with Heather and her man where Edward impresses them with his knowledge of knowing Elton John.  Thing about this is that I kind of know Elton John too... well, my dad does, which means I do... and this knowledge does not automatically make me or my dad royalty.  Still, the date seems to go well and hopefully Heather's fears are put at ease.  

Putting this picture up for no reason in particular.

Unfortunately for Edward, after the date he gets another hostile visit from Mia who REALLY wants her 200K back.  Edward tells her it's in his room, she just has to go there with him to get it.  DON'T GO MIA!!!  Mia goes into Edwards hotel room and gets poisoned.  Mia essentially committed suicide.  

As she took her last breaths, Mia was amazed at how
comfortable this bed was!

More problems for Edward and Liam as Mia's suspicions are NOT put at ease and are even higher because Edward used MPH instead of Kilometers when talking about how fast he likes to drive.  Heather is literally Sherlockian in her ability to deduce because that one went straight over my head.  Anna tells Edward about Heather's suspicions, which I'm thinking is pretty terrible, that is to tell the person your friend doesn't trust that she doesn't trust you, but you know... Anna. 

Like I said, me and Liam aren't a couple!  I don't know why
people keep thinking this!

Now Liam and Edward have another situation that's going to need taking care of.   Meanwhile, Mia's sister is in the process of engaging in that most Sisyphean of Lifetime Movie endeavors, this being talking to the police.  

One of the reasons Claire is getting such terrible support
from the police, is because this guy is actually an accountant.

While Claire cries about her missing sister, the Lifetime cop of course says there's nothing he can do and he could pretty much care less.  Claire is really cute so I think he did get her phone number.  Meanwhile, one of our bad guys is putting a tracker on Heather's car because Liam and Edward have decided she should have an accident.

As it turns out, that tracker is dumb.  Anna and Heather are roommates and literally everybody knows where Anna and Heather live, so basically it tracked her back home, where Liam just broke into the house and killed poor Heather.  This does not look like an accident to me.

So he wears gloves to put a cell phone under a muffler,
but he doesn't wear gloves to strangle another human?

While Heather was getting murked for looking our for her bestie, where was Anna?

Anna had to agree, My Pillow is not a great product.

Laying up.  Boss Bridgette would be pleased with this.  When Anna eventually walk of shames her ass back to work, she gets the bad news that Heather is missing, which introduces us to worthless cop number two.

There's nothing I can do, and I could care less.

There's nothing she can do and she could care less.  Heather did leave Anna a message about some info she found out about Edward, and considering her best friend is probably dead, she decides now is the time to use that business card Mia gave her and see what the hell she was talking about.  Of course Mia's also Dead AF, and the call is forwarded to Mia's sister where the two meet up.

While everyone close to them is currently rotting in a ditch somewhere,
Anna and Claire did enjoy a nice lunch.  It's what they would've wanted.

After talking to Claire and looking at the information that Heather left for her, Anna sadly realizes that they are all being hoodwinked.  She rushes to the office and stops Boss Bridgette from making that 30mil transaction which upsets Liam and Edward greatly.  Edward however is gonna get his money one way or the other and busts up in Anna's house, admits to all his crimes, including Heather's murder, and then tells Anna to transfer the money or she's also deadzo.  Anna runs into the bathroom and calls the police and Edward runs away.   

Back at the office the worthless cop is there to tell us stuff we already know, like Edward and Liam are just con-men, and that Anna has nothing to worry about.  That's not true.  Lifetime cops are the worst.  

Anna goes home to take a nap and hears a loud knock on the door.  Earlier when there was a knock on her door, observe the knife rack.

This time when there's a knock on the door, there's a new knife in the rack.

One of these knives simply do not belong.  I'm guessing all those with silver handles are real knives and the knife with the black handle is nice, safe, rubber knife to keep somebody from getting accidentally stabbed for real.  It's possible the prop guy could've made a matching knife, but that takes time and money which I do believe is in short supply when making these movies.  

Anyway, the person at the door is just Heather's boyfriend who is sad that his girlfriend is missing / murdered and wanted somebody to talk to.  Anna doesn't really care about his sadness, so she tries to go back to finish her nap when she's interrupted by another knock, but this time it's Edward, or whatever his name is.  He wants his 30 million dollars really bad and wants Anna to get to him via her cellphone or something.  He clearly has no idea how the banking system works anywhere in the world.  Fortunately Anna was holding the knife from the first knock and stabs Edward in the gut, ending the terror of fake ass Prince Edward of Devonshire.  

If I said it once I've said it a thousand times.
Stop eating at Taco Bell!

They wrap things up with Worthless Cop no.2 who imparts more gems of wisdom such as Edward used to be part of heist gang ten years ago, and looking at  young Edward that would make him like twelve when he was pulling these heists.  Anna is still concerned about Liam floating around out there, but she is assured by our cop that he is not coming back.  She bases this info on nothing.  And Vivica wraps things up by telling Anna 'Looks like you picked the Wrong Prince Charming'.  Uh... Sista.... If I may?  YOU picked the wrong Prince Charming.  Anna was minding her own business, doing her lawyer job writing up writs of Habeus Corpus or whatever property lawyers do when YOU introduced her to the Prince Edward deal.  YOU setup the intro with the drinks and the dinners.  YOU encouraged her to drop everything and get close to Prince Edward.  YOU kept trying to tell her how hot Prince Edward was.  Girlfriend, you all but pimped Anna out to Prince Edward.  Anna needs a new job and a new boss.  I happen to know a guy making some major moves in South Carolina, sporting a terrible southern accent, and who also happens to be looking for a new partner.

Everybody raise a glass to my bow tie with polka dots.

The Wrong Prince Charming is the fourth rung of the Five Movie Wrong glut of early 2021, and while it's still not my kind of wrong of movie, it is at least better and more entertaining than The Wrong Mr. Right.  I still prefer my Wrong villains to be certifiably insane, where Edward and Liam where just regular old Lifetime villains, but their terrible accents, and my strong suspicion that the two of them were actually lovers did provide endless entertainment.  

No, I didn't get my large hidden camera's or grown ass women pretending to be high school chicks, but at this point we have to come to the stark realization that the only exploitation the Wrong movies are interested in is showing us are various shirtless dudes who sometimes wear shorts.  It's a Lifetime movie so who am I to complain about that?  I'll watch Ballers if I'm desperate to see women mercilessly exploited as the men are in the Wrong movie series.  

What we did get, as we have always gotten, and we wouldn't want it any other way, is an irreparably damaged narrative making almost zero sense.  I mean just the slightest bit of research would've exposed these clowns for the frauds that they were, and we amazed that disposing a dead body in these movies is just a little bit easier than flushing a toilet.  I mean Heather might be alive somewhere if only someone would just make the effort to look for her.  And of course we got terrible cops.  Terrible in the sense that they simply don't do any cop stuff, not terrible in that they shoot unarmed people, because these cops don't have time for that.  Regardless, still not my kind of Wrong movie, but at least it was entertaining.  Three Wrongs!

                                                          

And finally, allow me to leave you with this picture of Vivica in one of the more amazing blouses I've ever seen.  Prince would almost wear this it's so dope.