Thursday, March 4, 2010

Badassery examined...

My friends, it is nigh time that we weigh in on who we believe are the baddest badasses in badass history. At least of those movies I've seen. But when examining badassery there are some rather stringent qualifications for one to pass through, a gauntlet of sorts, to achieve total badassery. You see I believe that for the most part a character has to be born a badass and almost relish in badassery. While John McClane is definitely a badass, John McClane would rather not be a badass and just spend quality time with his wife, daughter, on vactation, at the airport... It's just that wherever he is extenuating circumstance cause for him to use his specialized skill set.

Then there's the case of Martin Riggs who we would never deny his place on the mountain of badassery, but if his wife was never murdered then he'd be tending a garden somewhere instead of killing South African's and Gary Busey. Then take Chow Yun-fat's character from 'The Killer' who is a baddass amongst all baddasses, but he is a rather meloncholy for a badass and murder is simply a means to an end, not something he actually enjoys. We also need to examine the relationship of a badass to women. Showing the ability to love is usually the downfall of the badass so generally speaking a true badass should only have a woman around for one thing and one thing only. Though there are exceptions.

Because of this criteria women are difficult to classify as true badasses. Ripley and The Bride are badasses, but both have been saddled with maternal instincts driving their badassery as opposed to baddassery just for sake of badassness. Nonetheless here's is what the staff at the FCU has come up with for their greatest movie badasses in no particular order.

Harry Callahan

It seems to us that Dirty Harry carries a badge, not for his great sense of right or wrong, but because it gives the him freedom to indiscriminately kill, which he'd be doing anyway if he were not a cop. I don't think anyone would argue that Harry had to have been born a badass, his desire for women is so negligable that he's almost asexual, and his taste level for destruction is ridiculous. The only problem with choosing Dirty Harry is that we had to leave a crapload of Clint Eastwood potential badass characters off the list who would easily fit the bill.
Honorable mention: Bill Muny from 'Unforgiven'

Clubber Lang

Before beating Rocky near to death Clubber relentlessly insulted the man, showed Apollo Creed absolutely no respect and then killed Mickey. Worst still he inappropriately propositioned Adrian, and we quote; "Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man!" That ain't cool Clubber. Even though I think Adrian was giving it some thought. Also in this movie Clubber wasn't the one splashing around in the water, hugging dudes in super tightshort shorts like Rocky and Apollo were doing. It is because of the Oscar snub of Mr. T by the fraudelent Acadmey that as of 1982 I no longer recognize this Academy as a viable entity.
Honorable mention: Maggie Fitzgerald from 'Million Dollar Baby'

Sonny Corleone

Before Clubber beat Talia Shire's husband damn near to death in 'Rocky III', her brother Sonny in the Godfather almost beat her husband in 'The Godfather' to death. One of the qualifications, we believe, for being a badass is being borderline pscyhopathic however there was nothing 'borderline' about Sonny Corleone. Sonny did not have the good sense God gave him as he will shoot you, beat you, stab you, kill you and then ask the guy next to him 'Why are we doing this again?' So opressive is the badassery of Sonny Corleone, those thirty or so guys who riddled him with roughly 8,000 bullet holes did so, not because of any particular vitriol, but because they didn't want risk him surviving. What is rarely known is that Don Corleone himself sanctioned this murder of his child. He was trying to force tears but they weren't flowing.
Honorable mention: Tommy DeVito from 'Goodfellas'

Alonzo Harris

Now when they give you the Sonny Corleone treatment to get you off the planet Earth, you are a badass that deserves recognition. It is a fine line between officers Alonzo Harris and Harry Callahan as Both officers of the law believe 'Miranda' is simply the name of an old woman, you really wouldn't want to be partners with either one of these cats with the speparation coming from one doing his thing simply because he is pathological while the other does his thing because he's a greedy murdering bastard. Officer Harris fits our badass criteria of the badass very well despite the fact he is in a relationship with a woman, but he does keep Eva Mendes pregnant, naked and constantly tucked away in a bedroom in a crappy part of town. My Man... to quote Alonzo Harris.
Honorable mention: The Lieutenant from 'The Bad Lieutenant'

Eddie Cusack

"If I want your opinion I will beat it out of you". This is what Officer Eddie Cusack told a room full of really mean Columbian murderers as he walked in thier joint to beat the hell out of one of thier captains, and they didn't do a damn thing to stop him. They knew better. Easily the best flick Chuck Norris ever made, Eddie Cusack would have to deal with Columbian drug lords on one side, Italian mobsters on the other side and Cops that refused to help him on both sides, not that he needed their freaking help anyway, in 'Code of Silence', and he would totally kick every single last one of those bastards collective asses. Him and his robot. It's complicated.
Honorable mention: Nico Toscani from 'Above the Law'

Andrew Scott

Ivan Drago doesn't really qualify, despite completely murdering Apollo Creed, because he was bred for destruction against his will where Andrew Scott on the otherhand was born crazy, died crazy, was reanimated crazy only to die crazy one last time again. Somehow they reconnected Andrew's chunky bits from the original Universal Soldier so he could show up in the recent sequel but Andrew Scott was Mary Poppins in that movie compared to the original Andrew Scott we knew and loved. Anytime you confuse a supermarket for the Tet Offensive and the baggage boy looks like Charlie to you, then my friends, you are one crazy badass. Take this bullet to the back with ya.
Honorable mention: T-800 from 'The Terminator' (he wasn't born)

Detective Ma Jun

If you happen to be a fan of Chinese action cinema then no doubt you've seen Flashpoint. If you oblivious to Chinese action cinema then Flashpoint is as good a place as any to start your education. This is a cop who beat a criminal to DEATH... and then proceeded to cuff him. Detective Ma violated the rights of so many criminals in this movie rumor has it that the LAPD uses this movie as a training tape. And the final fight scene in this flick between Donnie Yen and Collin Chou is one for the ages. Pretty much takes up like half the movie. Plus this flick had an exploding turkey.
Honorable mention: Inspector Tequila from 'Hard Boiled'

Slaughter

There are some truly no name taking badasses in blaxploitation... Shaft, Black Belt Jones, Bolt, Sweetback, Dolemite but when deciding to put one on this list it was between Truck Turner and my man Slaughter. Truck Turner is the better movie... by far... but the consumate crown of badassery is worn by Slaughter and Jim Brown. Naked Woman in Slaughter's apartment to get some... she gets shot at. Dude in Slaughter's apartment to help him take down THE MAN... he gets his ass kicked... then they get to work. Think jumping in an airplane will get you away from Slaughter? Think again. Your racist boyfriend hates Slaughter? Well he's going to have to deal with that because somebody's giving up those panties tonight. Shoot him, stab him, slice him or run him down with your car... eventually he and his 4.43 forty time will catch you and kill your ass... check his watch... and its time to squeeze Stella's boobs again. Later.
Honorable mention: Truck Turner of course

King Leonidus

Some may question good King Leonidus' inclusion on this list, especially considering he is virtually whipped by his Queen... but when one takes into consideration that she too could concievably be on this list, Leonidus gets a pass on love. Who is harder than King Leonidus? Nobody, that's who. All the man wants for Christmas is to die. How many hundreds of thousands of super gentically mutated soldiers is it this cat going to have to murderizebefore they can find the right combination to give this man the one glorious thing he desires most? Today seemed like a good day to die. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day.
Honorable mention: William Wallace from 'Braveheart'

Dalton

With jeans that tight and hair that coiffed... I mean Jimmy, a total badass in his own right, used to f@#k guys like Dalton in prison every day so you would have to be some kind of serious badass to get on this list with those limitations weighing you down but Dalton pulled it off. Pain don't hurt baby... be nice until its time not be nice which in 'Road House' was all the damn time. We hope you are not too attached to your trachea because Dalton is ripping it out, as Jimmy would soon find out. It's Jimmy's missing trachea that keeps him off of this list. You would think that Dalton's love of the terminally tanned Doc would keep him off this list, especially since she was so repulsed after seeing Dalton rip out Jimmy's Trachea, but when she found Dalton later, standing over a half dozen more dead bodies, we learned that she was apparently disgusted that he simply hadn't killed enough people yet since the next scene showed them splashing in the water all naked and happy and stuff. A girl that passes the badass test of true love.
Honorable mention: Pvt. Joe Armstrong from 'American Ninja'

Oh Dae Su

Admittedly Oh Dae Su is probably a badass more because of his external influences but if you have seen Chan-wook Park's all time great classic 'Old Boy' I think we all can admit that at the very least Oh Dae Su was an asshole well before he was kidnapped and held captive for fifteen years. Why did someobdy kidnap my man and hold him captive for fifteen years? Well, that's rather complex but he did practice things like punching brick walls during this time. Does fifteen years of practicing how to fight make one a great fighter? Yes it does, as you will see in easily one the best 'one versus a bunch' fight scenes ever filmed. Oh Dae Su does a lot of other completely badass stuff in this movie, such as eating live octopi and self-mutilation with the reasons behind this self mutilation being reasons that only a badass could begin to understand.
Honorable mention: Geum-ja Lee from 'Lady Vengeance (maternity rears it's ugly head)

Bone

One of those unconscious criminals back there is Kimbo Slice. That alone cements Bone, in the first scene from the movie 'Blood and Bone' as a badass as some note but the ass kickings were only about to begin. Bone would mow down, eviscerate, round house kick, pointy elbow, deliver devastating knee smashes to the face to some of the biggest, toughtest and meanest MoFo's around, and perform this devastati0n in shirts that were either two sizes too small or in no shirt at all in a movie that could very well be the best Straight to DVD movie ever made. And while Bone had a good reason for kicking all that ass, we still had the feeling he would still be kicking that ass even if it was just to pass the time.
Honorable mention: Creasy from 'Man on Fire'

Charlie Storm

Come on man... this cat shot Ronald Reagan dead. Some dude thought he was safe from Charlie and his fellow hitman Lee by hiding out in a school for the blind. Well guess what, Blind People have nerve endings too. Angie Dickinson thought that being super fine might help help her get by, but all her beauty got her was dangled out of a thirty five story window. He woould've dropped her too if she didn't give up the info because Charlie didn't give a damn. Charlie Storm in the movie 'The Killers' was so mean, so brutal, so unfeeling and so impersonal about the whole process that this is the reason that this picture right here is my cellphone wallpaper. I love this guy. But he doesn't love me. Or you. Or anybody.
Honorable mention: Jack Browning (the prez) from 'The Killers'

Jules Winfield

As you can plainly see the man is a connoisseur of fine foods, he knows a gourmet cup of coffee when he tastes one, he knows his Bible (not really), but most importantly when the job needs to be done Jules Winfield gets the job done, and he gets it done with extreme prejudice. Or at least he used to. While we are completely comfortable with the knowledge that Vincent Vega is dead somewhere on a crapper, we are very uncomfortable with the knowledge that somewhere Jules Winfield is wandering the earth butchering Bible quotes as he does what he truly believes is Gods' work.
Honorable mention: Ordell Robbie from 'Jackie Brown'

Tony Montana

I don't know man... can somebody conceivably do one of these lists without putting this loon on it? The question is has anybody really had a better film career than Al Pacino? Great Actor, but alas, when he won that Oscar for the putrid Scent of a woman, I was like 'look Tony Montana just won an Academy Award! Good for him.' Sure he was in three Godfather movies, Serpico, Heat, Cruising... Any Given Sunday... Whatever. If I am ever lucky enough to meet Tony Montana, I would be polite, tell the man what a fan I am of his work and then break it down with my rendition of 'Say Hello to my little friend... You wanna play rough!' Somewhere deep inside Al Pacino weeps and regrets the day that he ever met Brian DePalma.
Honorable mention: Al Capone from 'The Untouchables'

Colonel Quaritch

There's hard... and then there's Colonel Miles Quaritch Hard. While the movie Avatar was filled with charicatures, there was no bigger characiture, maybe ever, than Colonel Quaritch. Oxygen? Maybe you need oxygen but Colonel Quaritch needs to kill your ass first. If time allows, then he will breathe. Plastic Surgery? Yeah... after the surgeon is done making you all pretty, why not just have him etch 'bitch' on the back of your neck. Plus I could kind of see his point of view no matter how evil they tried to make my man. I mean it's just a tree. There are trees all over place, just move into a new one. No? How about a Napalm sandwich then? Oh, they're moving pretty good now aren't they. Oh Colonel Quaritch... If there is a sequel to Avatar we won't be seeing it because you won't be in it. Wait, that's a spoiler for that one person somewhere in Utah who hasn't seen this damn movie yet.
Honorable mention: Col. Nathan Jessup from 'A Few Good Men'

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The FCU is down...

But only temporarily it would seem. This is what happens when you register a domain with one company and host it at another. Apparently the FCU domain name expired on Feb 28th, thanks for the 411 Hoskey... no thanks to Yahoo Domains who failed to alert a brother of this, and are impossible to reach and navigating their website is even more difficult. Remember the good old days when you could call somebody? Anyway, then we had to go through the incredibly painful process of transferring the domain from Yahoo to GoDaddy who hosts the site, who also offers no one a simple stroll in the park, but the domain is locked and needs to be unlocked for this to take place, but we can't get in to the domain because its expired... it's complexities are mind boggling.

Once the hoops of unlocking the site were jumped through came the multi step process of actually transferring the name, and reassigning DNS and all other kinds of nonsense. Heaven only knows when this is going to be complete. I mean there are at least a good two or three people out there who read us regularly who need their daily dose of typo ridden madness and we can't give it to them. It's an outrage.