Thursday, November 8, 2012

Get the App! Save the World!

I know sometimes your sitting in the subway, in traffic, in the tub and you're thinking 'There's just not enough Christopher Armstead out there.  I need more, and I need it now'.  I know I do, and I'm me.  Problem Solved!  Introducing for a limited time, like forever, for the amazingly low price of ZERO dollars and ZERO cents we present the Totally Twisted Flix Android Phone Application!

What?  Shut up!  No Freaking Way!   Yes Freaking Way my friends, right here by clicking this link you can have access to Totally Twisted Flix, the TV show that's for the people, all the dang time.  Hours upon hours of vintage shows at your fingertips 24 hours a day.  STOP PINCHING YOURSELF!  It is true.  

Plus, when we start shooting the new shows, whenever that's going to be, they will show up on the app first!  At the same time that they show up on our Facebook page and our YouTube Channel!  We call that exclusivity where I come from.

Don't fret you I-Phone owners as the I-Phone App is already finished, but Apple's draconian standards for quality control are an issue.  Apple.  I tell you.

Until then, to have me all the time, which still might not be enough... I know it's not enough for me... just click HERE!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Why I watch... Parks and Recreation.

I think I can say, without fear of recrimination or rebuttal, that we are in the Golden Age of Television.  Shoot, make that the Platinum Age.  Some of the best television shows in the history of the universe are being aired right now.  I'm sure I Love Lucy, the Honeymooners and the Dick Van Dyke Show were cool and all but I'm thinking the new millennium has them beat. That being said, I don't believe I would call NBC's Parks and Recreations one of these great shows of which I speak. 

I'm talking about shows like 'The Walking Dead', 'Mad Men', all those 'Spartacus' iterations on Starz, 'Game of Thrones, 'Sons of Anarchy', 'Boss'... and might I add that Frazier Crane is not very funny on that show... 'Breaking Bad', 'Dexter', and this is just to name a few because there are enough great shows out there right now to choke a pig.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to choke a pig?  Damn difficult.  And we don't have time to weigh in on the shows that are airing  across the pond in Great Britain because they aren't joking around either.  Great Television.

I imagine 'The Sopranos' started this platinum television renaissance, followed by high other quality fare such as '24' and 'The Wire'... but here's the thing about all of these great shows... they are depressing as hell.  Almost every last one of them.  Man, after DVRing an episode of 'Breaking Bad' followed by 'The Walking Dead' all I want to do is have a drink, lie in bed and cry myself to sleep.  It's hopeless.  There's no hope for humanities survival in 'The Walking Dead' and there's no hope for the civility of humanity in 'Breaking Bad'.  But those shows are just so dang good.

Then there's 'Parks and Recreation' which makes everything all right once again.  People rarely die on this show, and when they do... it's funny.  Since the premise of the show is patently illogical, this being a camera crew that follows these loons everywhere they go.  Everywhere.  Almost anything goes on this show as long as it serves the bottom line of getting a laugh.  It's almost shameless the depths that Amy Poehler and company will go to get a laugh and we appreciate their shamelessness. 

And then there's Ron Swanson.

Those other shows we mentioned are great, no doubt, but Ron Swanson is the greatest single character in the entire history of recorded television.  The Fonz, J.J., Jack Bauer, Theo Huxtable, Hawk from Spencer, Barbarino, Barney Rubble, Nick from Big Valley, J.R. Ewing, Dederick Tatum, That dude from Manimal... they all have to take a backseat to the awesomeness that is Nick Offerman and Ron Swanson.  When a man appreciates the value of bacon like Ron Swanson does, then that is a wise man who probably has valued advice that should be paid attention to.  The readily available Swanson Pyramid of Greatness would be a good place to start your deserved appreciation of Ron Swanson.

All I'm really saying is I can watch  the controlled nonsense and lunacy of 'Parks and Recreation' and not want to slit my wrists after I watch it. 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Fun at DragonCon


Hanging out at DragonCon with the boy, representing Encode Media Group and we got some interesting stuff and met some really interesting people.  If you're in the Atlanta area during Labor Day weekend, I highly recommend that you get a hotel and enjoy the festivities.  And maybe check out a panel or two... say like the panel I was on talking about SyFy Original movies.  I'll post the interview I did with two of the other members on that panel, Teagan and Kevin, real soon like.  Special thanks to Dan Carroll for all his help in letting us cover the Con.

Friday, June 29, 2012

A Formal Apology

A few years ago I wrote a review of the movie 'Thirty Days of Night'.  That movie had no Black people in it, though the city of Barrow Alaska, where the movie takes place, does have quite a few Black people in its population.  I saw it in a documentary.  Nonetheless, I commented in that review that I observed that the movie didn't have any Black People in it and, tongue in cheek, passed it off as okay since Black people don't like cold weather all that much.  Well a young man not too long ago apparently read that and he was not happy.  I mean he was pissed.  He called me all kinds of dirty names and stupids and dumbs and basically said it's White people like me that give White people a bad name.  He also went on to tell me how much he loves cold weather and Ice hockey and Ice Coffee and frigid women and everything else cold.

Of course... I'm not a White person.  I kind of thought everybody knew that already, especially since I'm an international celebrity and stuff, right?  Right?  Regardless, since I assumed most everyone knew I was a Black guy already and as such knows where I stand on Black people in movies, especially horror movies... please watch our music video 'Still Dead', stashed somewhere on this blog, for clarification on this... I kind of thought that statement would be read as the social commentary as it was meant. 

That being said, if you happen to be a Black person who did read that and you don't know that I'm Black too, a Black person from the coldest, meanest city in America, that being Detroit Michigan, then chances are you would be pissed off.  I don't know if you would be as upset as that guy, who was truly pissed, but you'd be pissed off.  We are not in the business of upsetting people here at the FCU, actually we're not in any business for that matter since nobody pays us for nuthin', but be that is it may we will take this time to formally apologize to this young man.  I would've apologized to him directly, but so upset was he, that he informed me not to bother because he doesn't accept emails from stupid white people.  Then he told me to kiss his ass and that he was on his way outside to build a Snowman.  Okay, he didn't really say that, but he did say everything else.  That guy was pissed.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Susbscribe to the Feed to get your FCU Updates!

Thousands of people have been asking me... 'Christopher, I never know when you update the FCU, you need to setup an RSS feed'. Okay, it was only one person... Kevin... but after lots and lots of research on how to do this, then realizing I'm not really all that bright and my research was leading nowhere, Imagine my joy to discover that Blogger does all that for you.

So for now on, whenever we throw something up on the FCU, because we often throw up pages but don't update the homepage or indexes for weeks, we will let the hungry public know via the blog.
Reviews recently posted are Seven Below, Lady Terminator (classic), Bad Ass, Another Earth, A Good Old Fashioned Orgy, The Samaritan, Prisoner of the Lost Universe, Point Blank, Dysfunctional Friends, China O'Brien, Barely Legal (not by Hustler), Barbarian Queen 2, Air Collision, Transit, The Veteran, The Terror Experiment, Seattle Superstorm, Ninja the Final Duel, Jack the Reaper, Fireball, and Deadtime Stories 2.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Absolute Nerve...

I love the little mockbusting studio called The Asylum.  Sure they make largely terrible films, but to be honest with you, their pictures are the ones that keep the FCU turning.  Nobody actually cares to read what we think of... I don't know... 'The Hunger Games' because there are thousands of legitimate film critics reviewing that type of nonsense, but for something like Princess of Mars, as presented by The Asylum... not Disney... your choices are very few, we at the FCU are usually one of those very few choices.

So when somebody attacks The Asylum, and that somebody isn't me, I get upset.  More so when this person is biting the hand that fed it.  Say like Traci Lords.  We don't care that Traci was an underage porn star, and neither does she or she probably would've changed her name back to Nora Jean Kuzma on her path to becoming a 'legitimate' actress... I put 'legitimate' in quotes because in my heart of hearts I do believe porno actresses are legitimate.  Regardless, The Asylum was kind of enough to cast her in their film, which admittedly was awful, but the next thing you know Traci is telling the Huffington Post how ashamed she was to be in that movie.  Really Traci?  THIS you're ashamed of?  Not that she should be ashamed of 'Kinky Business' or 'The Night of Loving Dangerously'... not that I've seen any of those since that would be against the law... But Traci should proud of being cast in 'Princess of Mars'.  Or any Asylum movie for that matter.

Was Jaleel White ashamed of being in 'Megashark vs. Crocosaurus'?  Was Debbie Gibson ashamed of being in the original Megashark vs. Giant Octopus or Tiffany in the classic 'Mega Piranha'?  Did you read about Meredith Baxter being embarrassed about her role in 'Airline Disaster'?  I saw the movie... and yeah, maybe she should've been ashamed, but a true pro like Meredith would never bite the hand that fed her that day.  And as far as I know Jaleel, Debbie, Tiffany nor Meredith aren't on videotape blowing people.  As far as I know.  Not they should be ashamed of that if they are. 

Look, Nora Jean has had to overcome a lot on her path to legitimacy, and she's probably still hasn't arrived with a lot of middle aged men still stuck on remembering her as the chick in 'New Wave Hookers', all I'm saying is that perhaps a little gratitude is in order, as opposed to acid spitting.   Somebody go ahead and cast me in a movie and watch how grateful I'll be.  Within reason of course.  

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Secrets to becoming a Film Critic.

A young man emailed me not too long ago, wishing to know what are the requirements and training necessary to becoming a film critic. Obviously being a film critic is not an easy thing to do, right up there with Night Security Guarding or Dog Whispering in degree of difficulty as far as part time gigs go, but I did my best to point this young man on the right path, and figuring this advice is far to sage and valuable to limit to this one dude, I'm going to share the secrets of film criticism with the world!

Let's begin with the valuable requirements.

1. A partially functioning eyeball. Obviously we need to see these movies so an eyeball that works somewhat is fairly key. However Tommy Edison is blind and he's a much better known film critic than me and whole lot of others with functioning eyeballs, so take this requirement with a grain of salt.

2. A functional ear. You're watching a Steven Seagal movie, you hear him speak but you can't understand a word he's saying. If you couldn't hear, you wouldn't know you can't understand him now would you? And as far I know there are no deaf film critics out there, though you would think sight would be more importing than hearing when it comes to movies, but what do I know?

3. A Working Digit. You need to be able to type or write your critical thoughts and amazing witticisms down on something now don't you? If you have word processor, all you need is one digit. Just one. Even if it's only a thumb. If you insist on writing with a pen, I'm thinking you're gonna need three digits. So get a word processor if you have less than three fingers.

4. A second grade education. Don't think an education is important? You try breaking down the subtleties of 'Larry the Cable Guy' using the square block in the square hole communication method. By the second grade you should have at least touched on two of the three R's, those being readin' and ritin'. Rithmatic will not be required.

And most importantly...

5. A working buttock. I believe you need both buttock cheeks to be active in order to be truly effective at this vocation, unless you're one buttock is really large. It is critical that you have a comfortable buttock, one that can take the pressure for hours upon hours of relentless, tireless, brutal sitting. Have you ever wondered why so few film critics, at least decent ones, are thin? Because skinny people can't take handle the pressure. Hey man, the journal Nature actually covered and confirmed this.

And that's pretty much it. I know it looks daunting, standing at the base Kilimanjaro with no hope of surviving the trek to the pinnacle, but if you dedicate yourself... you too can be a film critic. Good luck my friends.