Wednesday, November 30, 2016

30 Days of Horrible Christmas Movies... Day Three

Broadcasting Christmas (2016) - Hallmark Channel.

Back in the day, Clark Kent and Sabrina the Teenage Witch were hard working reporters and passionate lovers at some podunk news station in Connecticut, when a sweet opportunity to host a local news show in New York City came up.  They both auditioned for it, Clark Kent got it, Sabrina was sad and ended the relationship and went back to her crap TV job Connecticut, even though Clark wanted her to join up with him.  Kind of a dick move from Sabrina, but there it is.

Fast forward some years to the present where this realities version of the Today Show has an opening, and with Clark working upstairs as the local anchor, he's on the short list as a replacement.  Sabrina, also hearing about the opening, makes a viral video and now she too is on the short list.

Former lovers are now enemies again, until those old feelings come creeping back... then go away... then come back one time again thanks to a 100-year old fruit cake.  It's complicated.

What does any of this have to do with Christmas?  NOT A GATDAMN THING!!!

When one signs on to watch crap Christmas movies, one wants to watch crap Christmas movies, not romance movies about love lost using Christmas as just the time of year where this awfulness happens.  That's what we got with Broadcasting Christmas and as such we have to approach this one a little differently.

For instance, it doesn't have the same old tired Christmas Hallmark / Lifetime Christmas story such as the various iterations of fixing Scrooge, or traveling back in time to make things right, or 12 days of some nonsense or another.  No, just a tired story of some admittedly charming middle-aged 90's TV stars trying to rekindle the flame amidst the backdrop of Network TV with all of this happening around Christmas.

Did that stop the intrusion of canned Christmas music serving as some sort of musical score in virtually every scene?  No it did not.

No cute kids, no cute pets, but we did have our fair share of old wise people in the form of a Jackee Harry sighting, an old lady who imparted wisdom via the vehicle of a 100 year old fruit cake, and freaking Larry from Three's Company.  Who is old as fuuuuuu.... Can't say that as this is a family blog for the holidays.   But he got old.  Which means Joyce DeWitt is old too wherever she is.

The bottom line is this one is simple.  If you happen to be a big fan of Dean Cain or Melissa Joan Hart, then Broadcasting Christmas is something you need to own the minute they press the Blu-Ray, because those two dominate this movie.  If you're a fan of Melissa AND Dean... then I personally apologize for possibly offending you by not loving this movie.

So since I'm not a fan, combined with the fact that wasn't even a Christmas movie, this earns Broadcasting Christmas a 4 solid vomits.

The next movie?  Hell if I know, but there's a good chance Dean Cain will be in it since he's made like fifty of these.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

30 Days of Horrible Christmas Movies... Day Two.

Becoming Santa (2015) - Lifetime

Connor (Jesse Hutch) loves him some Holly (Laura Bell Bundy).  Loves her so much he's about to pop that question, he just wants to do it all proper like, and ask her dad for her hand in marriage.  What Holly has failed to tell her man is that her dad is Santa Claus!  Oh snap!  If you watch this movie, get used to Holly failing to tell Connor important, life altering information. But Connor, who makes lame toys at some awful toy company for a living, will soon discover this critical info, and while at first it was a bit mind blowing... kicking it with St. Nick's baby girl is awesome!  And believe me when I tell you, Connor's toys are truly lame.  His 'Big Idea', in the year 2015, is a wooden dog with wheels that would've been a terrible toy in the year 1915.  But can I guarantee you by the end of this movie this awful toy will be the next Tickle Me Elmo in this reality.

But then there's that Jack Frost (Tony Cavelero), Holly's old boyfriend (Holly never mentioned him) who still wants Holly as his own and will stop at nothing to break them up.  But their love is strong... until it isn't... until it is again.  With most of the weakness in this relationship caused by Holly's lying ass.

So our second movie, Becoming Santa, is a bit different.  So is there a tired plot?  Well... not exactly.  It's a tired RomCom plot, but one wrapped around the gloss of Santa Claus, which is a sort of a high concept \ low brow approach so we can only give it one vomit for that.

Retread actors?  Yes, Meredith Baxter as Mrs. Claus has shown up in her fair share of Lifetime movies, but guess who plays Santa?  Michael Freaking Gross!  That's a Family Ties reunion, and that's some raw dog awesome right there.  No vomits for that.

Incessant Christmas styled music playing throughout?  Yes, and it seemed worse than usual and thus it earns another solid vomit.

Then there were some budget limitations, such as the elves.  We had one main elf, Mario, who is just a short guy as opposed to a dwarf, because I guess dwarfs are expensive, and when Connor stumbled on the Santa Factory (Holly never told him about it), it was filled with children pretending to be elves.  Who knew Santa was down with forced child labor?

Then we come to Holly who is the absolute worst.  Holly is a witch... or a mutant... or something...   She has superpowers, this much we know.  Always doing magic behind Connor's back.  She didn't tell her fiance that her parents were Mr. and Mrs. Claus, to keep it hidden that she lived in the North Pole she roofied Connor's hot cocoa... I mean she seriously drugged my man with her evil magic!  Who does that?  She lied to Connor over and over again, but the biggest lie?  The movie is called 'Becoming Santa', meaning anybody who marries this duplicitous tramp is required by mystic law to become the next Santa.  That's some important info to know when choosing a mate!

But despite Holly being a terrible person, the forced child labor, and Connor's terrible toy making abilities, Becoming Santa had a lot of charm and we can only muster up two vomits for it.

And another bonus... I believe Mrs. Claus First name is Martha, which means Batman totally wouldn't murder Holly in a fight.

Monday, November 28, 2016

30 Days of Horrible Christmas Movies... Day One

Here's the exercise.

Every day until Christmas we are going to do something that is diametrically opposed to everything I stand for, that being watching Lifetime movies.  and Hallmark movies.  And since it's the holiday season, we can count on Hallmark and Lifetime to funnel a crapload of overly sentimental Holiday themed movies our way that will certainly make one want to vomit.  With that in mind, we here at the retired FCU will proceed to watch one Christmas Movie a day, every day, for a whole month.  Not Rudolph or Charlie Brown or classics like the Grinch... no sir... we're talking movies with Danica McKellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kristin Davis and the like.

Why?  Because we have nothing better to do with our time.

The rating system is simple, as all movies will be judged on 1 to 5 vomits.  a 5-Vomit film means that movie hits all the typical stereotypes.  Constant lame holiday music throughout, tired plot, retread actors, and that little extra to make it even more sickening and almost completely unwatchable.  Thus 1-vomit movie means it might actually be fresh and entertaining.

So our movie on Day One is 'Charming Christmas' (2015) The Hallmark Channel

Meredith (Julie Benz) is a hard working, no-nonsense manager of the family department store in Small Town America who really doesn't have time for anything outside of business.  You know, like love and stuff.

Nick (David Sutcliffe) is the mysterious, charming store Santa her parents have hired for the Holidays.  Meredith would like her parents to consider a lucrative franchising offer from super slick big city businessman Dan (Paul Hopkins), but for her parents to consider this deal, Meredith's mom blackmails her daughter to don the Mrs. Claus costume and help Nick out.

You know the deal.  Nick and Meredith don't get along, until they do.  Nick helps people, and Meredith is strictly business, until she's not.  The deal is about happen, the small town will suffer, Nick is disappointed until the deal doesn't go down and everybody is happy!  Roll credits.

So let's examine 'Charming Christmas'.  Does it have a tired plot?  Why yes it does!  a scrooge-esque lead who doesn't stop to smell the roses who has also forgotten what's important in life.  Two well earned vomits for that.

There's also this incessant, massively annoying holiday style music that plays almost throughout every scene in the entire film which also gets it a solid Vomit.

Does it have a cute kid and wise old people and inconsequential side stories?  Yes it does.  Give that movie another Vomit!

And for that bonus fifth Vomit, that little extra, Nick has this penchant of getting in everybody's damn business.  A woman wants her ankle to heal so she can continue her Broadway career.  Nick gets all in her biz and convinces her not to follow her dreams.  Another woman has stopped talking to her shrew of a mom and wants her cute kid to spend time with her estranged husband.  Nick gets all in her biz by sending letters to the mom and convincing this lady that the cute kid doesn't need this deadbeat dad.  Not to mention all his finagling with the franchise deal.  Nick needs to mind his own business!

While that's five well earned vomits, this is not a 5-vomit movie because now it's time to take some vomits away.  Take that cute kid for example.  He was adorable, funny and as far a five year olds go, kid can really act.

And then there's our star Julie Benz.  While this was a TV-G movie, what this professional business woman wore to work, which was all low slung tight wraps and short skirts was definitely borderline TV-MA and seemed a bit inappropriate.  And lest we forget that Mrs. Claus outfit.  Now when Julie wore that Mrs. Claus outfit, we were thinking that this was kind of a slutty outfit for Mrs. Claus to be sporting around the store, but there were two other Rossman employees who had to wear that outfit, and quite honestly it didn't look near as slutty on them as it did on Julie.  Thus we have to deduce that Julie Benz has the kind of figure that magically transforms whatever she wears, at least in this movie, into something seductive.  Is this a curse or blessing?  We aren't sure.  Regardless, because of the cute kid and Julie Benz's figure, we are taking away two vomits.

Charming Christmas - 3 Vomits

Tomorrow's movie... we have no idea.