Film Critics United

Rent-an-Elf (2018) - Ion TV

Before we begin, a couple of things.  This movie was bought to us by The Asylum, not the place where crazy people are kept but the movie studio which makes crazy movies.  Back in my old film critic days I chronicled many of the Asylum's films such as Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies or Zombie Apocalypse and of course their piece d' resistance, Sharknado.  I have a whole page at the old website dedicated to nothing but Asylum films.  Did they show me any love back in those days for my tireless dedication to watching their terrible movies when nobody else was, like maybe a screener every once in awhile or something?  No they did not.  But now that I'm gone  I am sure I am missed because whose is now giving the Mega Shark series and Transmorphers the love they deserve?  Not bitter though.  Even though it may sound like it.  But we are a bit surprised to see they've jumped into the Christmas movie game.  Also, in my watching of these Holiday TV movies…

Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe (2018) - Hallmark

Reviewed by L.F. Sue


What interested me about this movie was how were they going to adapt Pride and Prejudice to Christmas? Would they be able to bring the same banter between Eliza Bennet and Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy? In this humble Janeite’sopinion? No, but then again what can compare to Pride and Prejudice, which is a revealing social commentary on human foibles that has withstood the test of time, yet ultimately is a story where love conquers all.  Mr. Darcy overcomes his pride, and Ms. Bennet overcomes her prejudice to surrender to love. In that respect, I guess a Hallmark Christmas Movie isn’t that far-fetched.But there were many changes to the original story along the way.
The characters names were homages to the original story, if not exactly in keeping with the original and therefore weren’t Christmas related, unless you want to count the mom being named Gloria Fitzwilliam. Which sure, take a shot then! Darcy Fitzwilliam is the h…

Christmas Solo (2017) - UPTV

Jennifer the sexy vet (Kelli Williams) and her daughter Charlotte (Pippa Mackie) are new in to the sleepy town of Brookfield after Jen's husband  died a couple years ago.  I'm not sure they told us how died, he could've been murdered for all we know, but the important thing is that he's dead. Across town we have Nate the Handy Man (Jonathan Scarfe) and his psychotic daughter Melissa (Kayla Wallace).  We know Nate isn't married anymore because his ex-wife is a F'N WHORE!  Apparently in the small town of Brookfield Nate's ex-wife slept with anybody not named Nate.  This ex-wife has since moved to New York City where there are  more men to sleep around with and her behavior is more accepted.   Clearly Jennifer and Nate need to meet and fall in love.  At Christmas.  But their daughters will be a problem in this happening.  Well, Melissa will be a problem with this happening because she psychotic.

Our heroes meet cute, trying to exch…

The Christmas Train (2017) - Hallmark

Danny Glover.  Man... dude has been in some of my favorite movies.  The Color Purple, Silverado, Predator 2, Lethal Weapon 1&2... love that old dude.  Kimberly Williams, also shows up in one of my favorite movies, that being Safe House with Patrick Stewart.  If you haven't seen it, find it and watch it.  It's now a twenty year old movie and Sir Patrick was old in that, and he's still old.  And Ms. Williams has since become Mrs. Williams-Paisley and while she was cute in that movie, she may be even better looking in this one, twenty years later.  Joan Cusack... a national treasure.  Only Joan can do that Joan Cusack thing she does.  Finally, Dermot Mulroney.  Best hair on a man in all of Hollywood, second only to John Stamos.  Today, these actors have all shown up in the Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation of 'The Christmas Train'.  Hallmark's Hall of Fame series generally means the movie stars actors you've actually …

The Princess Switch (2018) - Netflix

While explaining this movie to my son, I informed that in the effort to provide some diversity in these movies, the heroine usually has a best friend who is a Person of Color, though in this movie Vanessa Hudgens is POC-ish, so they might've been able to get away without giving her a POC bestie if they so chose.  I also pointed out that her bestie was also a dude.  He asked, 'was he a sassy gay dude?'  Silly boy, if it this wasn't a 'switheroo' movie, then chances are he would've been a 'sassy gay dude', but in an identity switch movie it is fairly critical that said best friend be a virile straight male, so that when that the time comes, both look-alikes can get a man.  Are these movies about the Joy of Christmas, giving and receiving, Santa Claus and the birth of Christ?  Of course not!  They are about getting a man!  Or if you already have a man, getting a better man!  Because your current man is ass!

Alrighty…

A Christmas Prince 2 (2018) - Netflix

Reviewed by L.F. Sue

As I was reminded, after seeing the first movie, I apparently expected a sequel. And frankly with the way they ended this, a third isn’t out of order. Netflix, while not seeing the merits of things like Luke Cage, Daredevil, or even Michelle Wolf does seem to be fully on board the Christmas movie train. I guess the main question you have dear reader, is this better or worse than the first? Seeing as I don’t recall much of the first movie, except that Amber and Emily spent more time together than Richard and Emily, I will say they rectified that situation. Is it enough to make it better?  General  Twitter consensus is no,  but having watched too many of these I’ve become somewhat numb to the ridiculous and outrageous, but not so immune that I needed 2 weeks since I watched Christmas Melody before I queued this up.  I’m only human after all. I maintain I grade not based on merit of the movie (that would be near impossible) but so…