Film Critics United

I collect action figures... because of course I do.  I'm an old nerd and old nerds don't die.  I mean eventually they do but not in spirit!  But we are here today to recount an Action Figure experience which I'm sure a majority of the people on the planet will find absolutely riveting.

So I'm at Ollie's discount store, because I'm poor, and run across this action figure here.


It's kind of a weird figure because Flash is wearing biker shorts and yellow high tops.  Not to mention he's wearing Zoom colors.  This has something to do with a Frank Miller comic that I'm unfamiliar with, but then my boy William accuses me of being a Marvel so I guess that's no surprise. I buy it because it's cheap and I have only one Flash figure, plus it has an Atom mini figure in it and the head of some angry old white dude.
Now it's head of the angry old white dude that has me vexed because I honestly don't know who that is supposed to be and the box is …

Christmas Next Door (2017) - Hallmark

We're not going to say were 'excited' to see Hallmark's Christmas Next Door, per se, but it was that rare holiday Christmas TV movie that had a male lead.  The handful of these movies I've seen that have had male leads tend to me a little more nuanced than the traditional path of these films which normally consists of a Holiday Averse successful heroine, for whatever randomly generated reason, is forced to deal with her Holiday Averse problem, and learn the magic of Christmas, or more accurately get a man.  Or get a better man because her current man is ass, At Christmas.  The male led movies, be it Andy Garcia attempting to provide a final wish for his dying wife in Christmas in Conway or Jason Gedrick helping the homeless with The Christmas Choir or Donte Whitfield trying to fix his relationship with estranged brother in The Christmas Swap... the male leads, for whatever reason, get do a little bit more.  But if that's wh…

A Shoe Addict's Christmas (2018) - Hallmark

Today we have a movie from the proclaimed Queen of the Christmas movie, one Candace Cameron-Bure.  Observation No. 1... While Ms. Bure might very well be Christmas movie royalty, I would personally give the queen crown to Lacey Chabert, followed by the title of princess being handed to Winnie Cooper.  Candace would be like a duchess or something.  No shame in that.  Observation No. 2... How comfortable is Valeri Bure with his wife making out with all these random Canadian actors in all of these random Canadian filmed movies that Candace has made over the years?  I mean Candace has kissed more Canadian dudes than... well... anybody... legally.  Her brother Kirk on the other hand, in that movie Fireproof, wouldn't even kiss his co-star as his wife had to slip in there for the filming of the final kissing scene.  I'm sure The Russian Rocket (ed. note:  Pavel Bure is the hockey star the Russian Rocket, not Valeri) would tell me, from…

Christmas With a View (2018) - Netflix

So Netflix got into this Christmas movie game in a big way in 2017 with the viral sensation that was A Christmas Prince, and some other movie I didn't watch, then stepped up production significantly with even more Christmas movies in 2018, such as this one, A Christmas With A View.  At some point in this movie one of our characters looks over a balcony and mentions something about what a nice view it was.  I guess that's how they settled with this title.  Note that most of this movie was spent watching people prepare gourmet meals so I'm thinking the powers that be probably should've integrated that in the title as opposed to the one time somebody looked out a window.  Yet another example how Netflix needs to tighten up their game for 2019 if they hope to compete with the big boys in this arena.

Our film opens with Vivica A. Fox decorating a gingerbread house.  I wanted to make sure I squeezed Vivica's name in this because aft…

Once Upon a Christmas Miracle (2018) - Hallmark

Heather (Aimee Teegarden) is an angel.  Not a literal one with wings and stuff, but this hard working nursing student is pretty much perfect.  Her parents are perfect, her sister is perfect, her town looks perfect, even though it's Chicago and we know it's the opposite of that, but it sure looks perfect from here.  Heather has been feeling run down lately, and in movie land if you're not feeling perfect you are probably deathly ill.  At least she didn't cough.  If you cough in movie land you are going to die.

Heather, sadly enough, needs a liver.  Generally somebody needs to die for one of these to become available, but there's this newfangled thing called a 'living donor' where somebody who is a match can donate half their liver to you, without the other person having the misfortune of actually dying.  This introduces us to Chris (Agent Grant Ward), the recently retired marine, working at a buddy's plant …

First a poem I wrote...

From nowhere you came, much to my surprise, The Spicy Chicken Sandwich from of all places... Popeyes.
You were good, no doubt, but the ultimate test, Is that you placed Chick Filet in the position of second best.
Zaxby's Wendy's and BK all tried and failed, But where they struck out, you managed to prevail.
A Sandwich so good, almost made we wanna cry, And as a note to KFC... bruh, don't even give it a try.
Somewhere Nikki Giovanni weeps.  That somebody is trying to call this poetry.

On Thursday August 15th, 2019 in the year of our Lord, our HR department was in feverish conversation over chicken sandwiches.  Debra and Riley both had tried the Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich and laid down the gauntlet that this was the best chicken sandwich ever.  Note that this is Georgia and these are natives, so those are words that can't come out of their mouths easily.  I'm a Michigan Man, I have no such loyalties.  On Friday August 16th, 2019, HR Karlei…