Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Ray Parker Jr... Action Star!

It is late to ask but this is what I want for Christmas people out there in the world who I don't know. I want this movie right here! So I'm sitting around listening to some Raydio, 'For Those Who Like to Groove' in particular which got to me thinking about my main man Ray Parker Jr. Before 'Ghostbusters' brought Ray into national prominence and completely destroyed his career he was one helluva an R&B heavyweight back in the day, so I curious to see what Ray had been up to lately.

As it turns out my man is still alive and making music but what go my blood a pumpin' was this movie 'Enemy Territory'. How come I didn't get the memo that Ray was in a 1980's Lethal Weapon type action flick? How in the hell did this slip by me? My next order of business was to acquire this movie by any means available. Went to Netflix but the idiots behind this movie haven't felt the need to turn it into a DVD. Have you seen the stuff they put on DVD? But not this movie, mainly because I want it. There is some cat selling an old VHS version on Amazon for ninety bucks but... well... I don't want to see the movie that badly. I suppose I could use some less than legal means to try to track down this flick but last time I clicked on a torrent link a few years ago I had to format my hard drive.

Oh well. It looks like we will have to appreciate Ray via old music videos, such as this one, one of my favorite Ray Parker Jr. joints, 'I Can't get Over Loving You'. Possibly the most disturbingly violent music video of all time.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My Blind Side...

I recently got back from seeing the movie 'The Blind Side' mainly because folks were telling me how great this movie was. Personally, I didn't care it for it all that much, some of the reasons I touched on back at the main site but it did get me to thinking about my days as a football player so many years ago. The movie talks about how important a Left Tackle is to a Quarterback and this is true. I was a Right Tackle but my quarterback was left handed. Mark Ahn, one of my very best friends in high school and one of my very best friends to this day was our QB and it was my job to protect his blind side. Unfortunately for Mark his blind side protector wasn't all that good.

I could mention that some of this poor play could be attributed to the fact that our football coach ran a bar and on the Friday nights before our Saturday afternoon games he would often entertain a few of his favorite players and serve us... I mean them... an alcoholic beverage or two, but I'm not going to mention that because that might've been against the law, even in the loose fitting mid 80's.

Anyway my good friend Mark spent an awful lot of time on his back or face planted in the mud and every once in a while we would see poor Mark lying on the ground with his neck twisted at odd angles. It was often amusing watching Mark scurrying around in the backfield running for his life eventually tossing one of his many interceptions. In retrospect I realize I probably should've been blocking somebody instead of watching my QB run for his life, but that is in retrospect.

Still, I always had my boys back. Every once in a while one of those sackers would get a little too frisky in slamming my QB to the ground and I was always the first to pull that loser off of my boy and totally eviscerate them. I was one of the toughest, meanest cats around after whistle blew baby, it was in between whistles where I struggled a little bit.

Ahh... memories. I'm sure Mark looks back fondly on those good old days, just as I do, as he struggles to get out of bed every morning.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I did give it an effort...

It's Thursday, the NFL network is kicking off its Thursday Night Football schedule and as Terrel Owens has advised me to do, I got my popcorn ready to watch Jay Cutler and Alex Smith have an exciting interceptions battle. I knew before hand that Former Lions GM Matt Millen, a man who in eight infamous years took my once gloriously mediocre franchise and turned them into the worst organization in the history of professional sports, was calling the game. But I'm over that. Just glad that loser is gone and hope that the new Lions regime can one day return us back to mediocrity.

What I didn't expect, apparently, was that Matt Millen would actually open his mouth during the broadcast. Totally didn't see that coming. Blindsided. It took as long as the first play from scrimmage when Alex Smith threw a sideline pass to Michael Crabtree who made a spectacular play on the ball with Millen chiming in with 'Crabtree's got that 'it' factor'. How in the hell would this clown know? Forgive me but as a Lions fan I'm not respecting this dudes opinions on wide recievers too much. If I was Michael Crabtree I'd be scared to death this idiot just gave me a 'vote of confidence'.

I believe this is a unique situation in that I can't recall any other coach or executive or player even who, after screwing up a team all to hell, goes to the broadcast booth to torture the poor populace even further. Chiefs fans might feel this way about Herm Edwards but he did give them a winning season. For the most part bad players, coaches and executives fade away into obscurity since no one is all that interested in hearing what they have to say. Imagine Dan Snyder selling the Redskins then showing on up NFL Network to give sage advice on the proper way to run a football team. I don't think Redskins fans would like that too much.

The good thing for Matt Millen is that this lack of credibility that he has rightfully earned only affects people within about a 150 mile radius of the city of Detoit since NBC, ESPN and the NFL Network had no qualms at all about hiring this bozo. He's on TV more now than he was before he was gifted five million a year by the Fords to run the Lions into the ground. Of course you can't blame Millen for taking all that money for a job he had no qualifications for and no clue how to execute and who would get progressively worse at the job the longer he was on the job, but who wouldn't take five mil/per? You give me forty million dollars and I give you all my credibility. I'd take that deal, though Millen didn't even lose that. Matt Millen just might be proof positive that God loves some of us more than others.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Don't let them do it God...

Some forty years ago there was this movie directed by Joseph Sargent called 'Colossus: The Forbin Project' and if you haven't had the chance to see this minor cult sci-fi classic you should track it down and check it out. 'Colossus' is a deliberately paced, well thought out, well crafted science picture film chronicling Dr. Forbin's (Eric Braden) missile defense machine arbitrarily deciding that man is not fit to handle his own fate and thus takes matters into its own hands. Simple enough. Now this is somewhat old news but we hear that the Hollywood powers that be are planning a remake of this film and we are here to say that this time they must be stopped. At all costs. I realize remakes and retreads and the like are the way to go but a 'remake' of this movie is a no-win situation. First off the movie was done right the first time and more so the Matrix series and the Terminator series have wrung the whole man vs. machine thing dry. Besides there is almost no discernable action in 'Colossus' since it's all dialog and theory with most of the destruction taking place off screen. There's a little violence as Colossus needs to prove a point here and there and there was a touch of sex as we observed how Dr. Forbin cleverly maneuvered Dr. Markahm (Susan Clarke) into the sack, but otherwise, without completely rewriting the movie, I don't know how this would fly with modern audiences.

But while are completely, totally and unshakably opposed to a remake, we do fully support a sequel. Imagine what the world would look like forty years under Colossus rule. There would now be an entire generation that know of nothing except rule under the thumb of Colossus. There are no more borders and thus there are no more wars and thus the world is at complete and total peace. Where as the machines in The Matrix were using the humans as a means to an end and the machines in the Terminator where doing everything in their power to get rid of us, Colossus works for what it feels is the best interest of humans. Thus it would be unlikely that Colossus would wipe us out since it feels we need its presence and with out it, it would probably believe that it would serve no purpose.

Now here's where a team of clever storytellers and script writers have to step in and make themselves a movie. Think of the world that a few creative types could create, one that is completely different from the world we know of now. The technology they could create or eliminate because now the focus is no longer profit driven. In fact I would imagine Colossus to be a glorified Communist since the machine would do everything for the good of the state and could care less about the individual. The conflict, of course, is that we are not free and that's not going to fly with a lot of folks. But there are probably even more people who see Colossus rule as a good thing. And we have seen what Colossus does to those who don't toe the line.

The rumor mill has it than Opie Cunningham would direct and the Fresh Prince would star. both those cats are plenty talented and no doubt could pull off this update with Will Smith working out exceptionally well because they could make him the infant son of the Georg Stanford Brown character who Colossus mercilessly dispatched of giving this character a vengeance motive in addition to the whole lack of freedom thing. As a bonus Eric Braden and Susan Clark are still very much alive to reprise their roles.

I know it probably won't happen and if they do decide to redo 'The Forbin Project' it will have car chases and bombs ticking down to triple zero and scenes in strip clubs and melodrama and a happy ending. But for once, powers that be, listen to that small voice in the back of your head... that being me... and take the path less traveled. Imagine the possibilities.

Friday, November 6, 2009

You should know... Todd Jensen

Every once in a while I think I'm gonna pick out some relatively obscure actor and give this guy or gal some props for their hard work in little seen Straight to DVD flicks with today's subject being the hard working actor Todd Jensen. Who is Todd Jensen? Beats the hell out of me but Mr. Jensen has been doing this acting thing for quite a while usually showing up as uptight FBI Agents or Bureaucrats but in three consecutive days I saw three separate movies featuring Mr. Jensen in which he was brutally murdered in each and every one. Man, that's damn good work if you can get it. In the remake of 'It's Alive' Todd was cut to shreds by a new born baby, in the movie 'Train' Todd was vivisectioned and harvested for his valuable internal organs and in the Sci-Fi Original film 'Star Runners' Todd was gored and eaten by a giant bug. But that was only how Todd was brutalized this past weekend because we've seen Todd get murderized in a number of different ways previous to this. Apparently Todd Jensen is your go to guy if you need somebody eaten by a giant bug because this is how bought it in the movie 'Infestation'. Great movie by the way. Then in the movie 'Boogeyman 3' Todd was turned into strawberry jam by giant shadow monster, in the movie 'Nightmare City 2035' Todd made it all the way to the end in that one, but he was the bad guy and I believe he ended up getting his ass disintegrated and then in the movie Mega Snake... well, you can imagine how Todd brought the farm in that one.

Imagine my disappointment when I saw the movie 'Wrong Turn 3', observed Todd Jensen was among the cast full with the joyful knowledge that he was going to get it bad by an inbred cannibalistic hillbilly only to have him show in one scene as an uptight FBI agent and survive. The disappointment was palpable. While we haven't seen the movie 'Bats: Human Harvest' or 'Copperhead' I'm betting Todd gets it good in those.

If Todd is married with children I hope his family appreciates what my man goes through to put food on the table for them. Meet Todd Jensen everybody. A dude who dies so often in horror flicks that you could almost mistake him for a black guy.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Ependables!

It takes a lot for something to have an effect on an old bitter man such as myself, one beat down by life's cruelties and gross inequities. But the trailer for the Sylvester Stallone helmed upcoming action flick 'The Expendables' brought me to tears. You see this took me back to a simpler time when I, as a kid, watched tiny men such as Stallone, Mel Gibson and Eddie Murphy, just to name a few, got on the big screen to blow shit up and kick much ass all in the name of BadAss.

Sadly, for the most part, these movies are gone now. The demographic, as it were, no longer has any use for tough men blowing shit up and making sweet love to the ladies. Instead this demographic prefers movies with gay pirates and gay teen vampires or watching young fit boys with lots of makeup dancing in high school halls. What the hell? As such our action stars of the past have faded away. Murphy has dedicated himself to making horrific family films, Gibson, a fine film director, is now better known as an adultering anti-semite and Stallone is freaking sixty five years old. Swarzenegger has abandoned his craft, his true calling, in favor of being a inept politician while the other heroes of the day, such as Lundgren, Seagal, Van Damme and Snipes are relegated to my beloved Straight to DVD Genre.

But now we have 'The Expendables'. That incredibly rare big Hollywood action film blowout that's not a sequel or a remake or based on a comic book. At least that I'm aware of. The small Sylvester Stallone has grabbed the even smaller Jason Stratham and Jet Li and assembled a virtual all-star cast of potential badassness that features Dolph, E-Rob, Bruce Willis, Gary Daniels, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, a bunch of old wrestlers and MFC dudes who, after watching the trailer, looked primed to kill a LOT of foreigners and blow up plenty of shit. Outstanding! Arnold even makes a cameo we are told.

Thanks to the woman over there at Action Chick Flick for turning me on to this trailer and taking me back to a time where a movie didn't have to make any kind of logical sense to be good. Hopefully 'The Expendables' will follow suit but, due to my heightened expectations and considering that 'being disappointed' is actually my middle name, it could all still go straight to hell. We sure hope not.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Limbaugh and the NFL? you've been hoodwinked.

So I'm watching Sports Center or the NFL Network, had to be one of the two since they're the only two channels I watch and I see that Rush over there is part of group interested in purchasing the St. Louis Rams. Now what's funny about this, and this is just my theory supported only by my own opinions, is that I'm almost dead positive that Rush Limbaugh has no real desire to own an NFL franchise. What little I know about the business of the NFL is that it loves stability, being middle of the road, and will do almost nothing to upset this train driven applecart which has given its 32 owners a license to print money. NFL Commissoner Roger Goodell's main function is to keep this gravy train rolling, just like his predecessor Paul Tagliabue and his predecessor the late Pete Rozelle. This is why when approached with the subject of Limbaugh Mr. Goodell doesn't say anything along the lines of yay or nay because that would mean getting out of the middle of the road. Rush Limbaugh knows this as well as anybody and he knows the NFL owners aren't going to vote in favor of him buying a franchise.

My theory is that Rush must've checked his ratings and observed that they slipped a quarter point or something so he called his boy Al Sharpton and asked Al what's the best way to drum up some controversey. Al probably thought for a bit then came up with; "I know, since it's football season tell 'em you're going to buy a team, that'll drive them totally nuts. And to further let everybody know how 'NOT' serious you are about this, suddenly show up on the TODAY show and give a bunch of combustable interviews where you attack everybody and their momma! I'm talking even old ass Habitat for Humanity Jimmy Carter... Yeah, that'll let everyone know how divisive you can be!"

Of course Al is on board with this because he hasn't been in the spotlight too much after Michael Jackson bought it so its a win-win with Al Sharpton banging the drum the loudest against this thing which will never happen. And it's worked like a charm. Folks are are all upset, the air waves are burning up with both sides yelling at other at the top of their lungs about this thing that will not happen with Rush, a virtual master of self-promotion, laying back, smoking a stogie and taking it all in. I'm even willing to bet the majority of NFL owners are all right-wing Republicans who probably agree with most everyting Rush has to say, but outside of Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones and maybe Arthur Blank these cats really don't like attention, they just want the loot to flow trouble free. If they were to approve Rush owning a team the spotlight switches from Tom Brady and Plaxico to them, and they would not like this. Rush knows this, Al knows this, I just wish everybody else knew this.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Zero and One

I know this blog thing is alleged to support the FCU website but it's fall and I haven't been sitting on my ass watching many movies lately and have instead been sitting on my ass watching football. When I was a kid NFL opening day was a bigger deal than Christmas Day with my Dad, older brother and eventually even my sister gathering around to break down game film. We loved us some football baby. Now that I'm an old man opening day isn't nearly as important to me as it used it to be but it does still does possess some cache. And this opening day is doubly important because this is the year my Lions rise from the ashes!

Or maybe not. Saints QB Drew Brees and his good friends Colston, Shockey, Henderson, some cat named Bell and some of the fans from the stands played pitch and catch for sixty minutes while my Lions looked on and took notes. Were the Saints malicious they probably could've hung a hundred points on us but they kindly stopped at 45. The Saints spent so much time in the endzone that they should've been charged rent.

Matt Stafford did not like a million bucks times forty after 'winning' the QB job in the pre-season but this is to be expected from a rookie. I am of the opinion that Cullpeppper played better during the pre-season but the Lions future isn't with Daunte Cullpepper and I would've preferred that Coach Schwartz had said as much as opposed to the fallacy that Stafford 'outplayed' the vet during those worthless pre-season games. Besides, the kid had the unique advantage of actually playing and gaining valuble experience then going to the sidelines to observe how a real quarterback approaches the game of football. Outstanding.

As a long time Lions observer it is not uncommon for players to have career days against my team, and you may want to observe how many opposing players grab 'Player of the Week' honors while playing the Lions, as I suspect Drew Brees will be honored this week... though I think playing the Lions should automatically eliminate one from award contention... we were just hoping that things might be a little different this year. It's early and The Saints are really, really good offensively so we aren't slamming the door on the Lions just yet, but it aint looking good.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

God Bless the Internet.

It is because a movie that I recently watched called 'Angel of Death' that I got turned on to as "Angel of Death' started out life as a web series on their sight. This in turn directed me to their rather eclectic list of web shows including ‘Mommy XXX’, a reality show about a porn star trying to raise her kids amidst the always supportive world of adult entertainment. Outstanding. I’ve never heard of this particular porn star Demi Delia but I do see that she is relatively ancient for an adult actress… she’s 40+… a number which relevant to more than just her age… but I imagine this makes her ideal for a certain genre of porn flick, as her IMDB filmography list would suggest and includes what I’m sure will be an instant classic… 'I Came in your Mom'. Outstanding. Actually the show is pretty damn entertaining. I’m talking about ‘Mommy XXX’ here as I have not and have no intentions of watching ‘I Came in your Mom’. Seriously.

There are all kinds of wacky shows on this including one that has Bud Bundy playing a washed up actor. You really can’t beat that with a stick. There is so much ‘legitimate’ entertainment streaming on web from Hulu to Fear.Com and other free sites that if you’re lucky enough to have a VGA port on the back on your TV, as my new energy sucking plasma TV does, you almost don’t need a TV service. The only thing I watch on TV anyway is NFL Total Access, Sports Center and football games.

God Bless the Internet.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

What happens to a dream deferred...

Years ago when working as a valet parking cars in my native St. Louis a particular car I jumped in was playing on it's cassette 'The Velocity of Love' by Suzanne Ciani. This particular car also had what looked to be a pound of weed wedged into its glove compartment, but that's another story for another time. Regardless, hearing this song was a revelation as I, at the time, considered myself to be some kind of musician and through this woman's music I had finally discovered the kind of sound I was meant to compose.

I brought every album this woman had made up to that point and dedicated myself to becoming a NewAge keyboard player. Yes, this is when people actually went to the store and paid for records. The unfortunate truth of the matter was that as a musician I couldn't carry Suzanne Ciana's jock strap, that is if she actually had the need for one... which I don't believe she does... but you get my point.

I mention this because a couple of days ago while cleaning out some old junk I stumbled upon my long forgotten, long neglected debut CD. Oh those were the days when me, my JV1080 and Cakewalk would crash Windows 98 time and time again. These days, as life has tragically passed me by, I only play the piano on rare church occasions or when I need music for some production and loops or stock music won't do but there was a time when I had New Age dreams my friends. I think I did song this about nine or ten years ago and we called it 'Something April Likes' because it was something that April liked. I'm not sure how this Streampad MP3 player thing works but I think you might have to skip past the Johnny Sokko Theme to get this song.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Not that this is a sports blog or anything but I am a sports fan and at one time I was a pretty damn good athlete. In fact many people likened my basketball skills to that of Michael Jordan. No joke. That is if Jordan couldn't jump, run, shoot, dribble or pass. Otherwise or games were virtually identical. But we're here right now to talk about my team... the Detroit Lions. This past weekend I fired up my energy sucking, enviroment destoryig Plasma TV and watched my Lions play the Cleveland Browns in totally worthless pre-season football in glorious HD and my Lions looked TERRIBLE. Matthew Stafford looked TERRIBLE. Daunte Culpepper looked okay and Drew Stanton actually looked pretty good again. However to steal a quote from a guy I heard on sports talk radio, as some Lions fans begin clamoring for Stanton to start the season, all that proves is that the Lions 3rd stringers are better than other teams 3rd stringers.

But even though the Lions looked awful and made the Browns look like the '89 49ers, it is just preseason football and it means nothing. Lions 2008 preseason anybody? I don't think anybody seriously expects the Lions to be any good this year anyway, say become the 2008 Miami Dolphins, and it will be a surprise if they win more than three games. I also don't know if Stafford is going to be any good either, and since my Lions drafted him the chances are that he won't be any good, but it was the kids first start and he's going to suck this year no matter how much or how little he plays. No, he won't become this years Matt Ryan who was blessed to hand the ball to Michael Turner 350+ times last year or Joe Flacco who was blessed to have one the best Defenses in NFL clean up his mistakes. Hopefully Coach Swartz will let the kid sit to start the season and let his 250lb veteran take the early abuse and hopefully win the city of Detroit a football game.

As a Lions fan I just hope they get that first win out of the way sooner than later because with each mounting loss the national joke just becomes bigger and bigger. And that win is coming. Guaranteed. So if your team is on the Lions schedule in 2009 you had best watch out because we are beating SOMEBODY this year.

Friday, August 21, 2009

I have nothing to say... this particular time. At least anything of any kind of value. However we do not want to let the FCU Blog lag so we will make a mindless post just to keep things moving. I may make another one tomorrow as well. Quell your excitement if possible. Let's see... I showed my 'green' side by buying a Plasma Television the other day. Next I'll purchase a Hummer H2 and run my air conditioning with the windows open. But this fifty inch LG does have an energy saving feature built in which in actuality means it uses less electricity than a 32 inch LCD. Thing is you actually have to 'use' this feature. Regardless... Plasma is SWEET! Watched some gawdawful preseason football on over-the-air HD and it looked so good I could almost smell the grass. Then we fired up some Soul Calibur IV and followed that up with '300' on defunct HD-DVD, The Look and Sound of Perfect... and it looks like I won't be desiring to buy a new TV for at least another three months.

Speaking of football season, words which warm my heart, it must be near because during this awful pre-season football game Peyton Manning attempted to sell me no less than 18 products.

I think we'll keep the football theme flowing on the next post with an examination of my beloved Detroit Lions. Take note NFL... we're beating SOMEBODY this year and that somebody just might be your team.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

GO U.S.A!!!

In the first 'Transformers' flick when Bumble Bee transformed from an old '78 Camaro to a brand spanking new '09 Camaro the woman sitting next to me oohed and aahhed breathlessly saying that 'that's her dream car'. I was a little envious of that woman at that particular time because for a little more than 22G her dream car could be in her garage in the morning. My dream car on the other hand is a Jaguar XJ220 which, if you're really lucky, you might be able to track one down for a couple hundred thousand somewhere.

Regardless, even though the American Auto Industry is on thin ice on a warm summers day, I offer that GM with their Camaro, Chrysler with the Challenger and Ford with the Mustang have three of the hottest mass produced cars being sold on the planet earth right now. Toyota, Nissan, Mazda, Honda, VW, Hyundai, Mitsubishi, Suzuki... whomever... don't have anything in their respective lineups in this category, in my opinion, of these glorious examples of fine American sheet metal. Especially at their price points.

I'm telling you this and I don't even drive an American car. I actually drive an eleven year old Kia, a car which would only be driven by someone who is poor. Destitute. Broke. Lacking fiscal resources. I'm not even sure which one of these beauties I would choose given the choice. All I do know is if I was fortunate enough to have around thirty thousand or so dollars to spend on an automobile in the next couple of months, this brother here would be buying American. And it has little to do with loyalty to my country and everything to do with me looking good, crusing down the street winking at the hunnies, with my wife in the passenger side cramping my style.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The new look of the Asian Male.

So the family finishes watching the Rugby flick 'Forever Strong' and while it is a typical sports movie filled to brim with cliche it was still entertaining. I'm in the middle of writing the review and click on the name of the star of that movie, this dude to my left, Sean Farris, to see what projects my man has coming up since he's not a bad actor and he was also pretty decent in the equally derivative 'Never Back Down'. One of these projects would be the video game flick 'King of Fighters' with Mr. Farris playing the lead role of Kyo Kusanagi. Allrightythen. Maybe its just me but I'm thinking this cat doesn't look like someone who would be named Kyo Kusanagi. I don't know what problems the suits in Hollywood have with Asian people, particularly Asian males, but they need to get over it. I guess this is nothing new, dating back to Charlie Chan and the late David Carradine get the nod over Bruce Freaking Lee for 'Kung Fu', but one would think in the 21st century that we would allow actual Asians play Asian characters. '21', that Dragonball movie, the new Streetfighter flick and the list goes on. The argument we often hear is that Asian actors don't sell tickets... which would mean that Sean Farris does sell tickets. Just as Justin Chatwin sold out Dragonball and Kritin Kruek set the box office on fire for Streetfighter. Now if they had cast Will Smith as Kyo Kusanagi, as wrong as that might've been, I'd buy into that ticket selling argument... but Sean Farris? Not that we're blaming Mr. Farris because I sure wouldn't turn the gig down, but that doesn't make it cool. I'd like to say because of this I think I'm gonna have to pass on the 'King of Fighters' movie but we all know I'm going to watch it so let's not front. I saw DOA for goodness sakes and can't wait for Tekken, no matter how bad they may be, but that STILL doens't make this cool.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Taking a stand!

I know we're in a tough economy and all but enough is enough! So we're at the Rite-Aid and the boy wants a box of Mike and Ike's which at one time in this glorious nation of ours used to be one of the better uses of a dollar bill. I grab the box and observe it was smaller than usual, significantly so. Damn if Just Born Inc. hasn't shaved 25% off the regular 8 ounce box changing it to six ounces while keeping the price the same. What kind of mess is that? But it gets worse. The next week back in Rite-Aid the 'New' Mike and Ike's box has big yellow tag on it claiming to give you a '10% BOUNS!!!' bumping it's piddly six ounces up to 6.6 ounces which is STILL 1.4 ounces less than what it was a couple of weeks ago while still happily taking our dollar bill. Where I come from we call that the Okey-Doke. What we Americans need in our current situation of financial uncertainty is more confectionery sugar products for the money. What we don't need is to be bamboozled, hoodwinked and led astray into thinking we're getting more delicious tooth decaying product for our precious dollar bill when in reality we're being stiffed. It's a freaking outrage. First The Man shrinks the Ice Cream boxes while raising the price, then The Man compresses inside of the cereal package while keeping the box the same size, this is followed by airlines charging us baggage handling fees under guise of 'high fuel prices' failing to mention that fuel prices are lower now than they were before they added these extra unscrupulous fees... but did they get rid of this highly unethical baggage surcharge? Hell to the no. And now this. Though it hurts to me my heart, due to the long and very personal relationship I've had in my life with both Mike and Ike, I will not allow one of these candies to pass my lips until this horrific situation is rectified. A Freaking Outrage.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

He's Out of Our Lives

So I'm being driven home by some friends after seeing the 'Transformer' sequel (which was... not good) and invariably the conversation turns to Michael who's been dead a couple of days now. Arvell says 'You're boy is gone'. And I resopond with 'He really wasn't my boy' and the radio retrospective then plays 'Smooth Criminal' which is like my jam. Not my favorite Michael Jackson song which would be 'She's Out of my Life' but 'Smooth Criminal' is my jam. Then I started thinking about it a bit, remembering scrounging up the cash to by 'Thriller' in high school, hijacking my brothers 'Off the Wall' LP and being financially solvent in 1987 via parking cars to buy 'Bad' without nary a thought. Damn $4/hr went a long way when you lived at home and didn't have to pay bills. I also purchased 'Victory' and that damn Rockwell album back in the day based on Michael's star power alone so upon further review it would seem that that mighty confused, extremely flawed, psychologically screwed up dude who was talented almost beyond anyones ability to quantify talent was my boy. Never have the words 'Rest in Peace' meant so much for somebody.

On a side note, though he will probably deny this, my good friend Lee (last name withheld to protect his guilt) came to school one day wearing a Beat It jacket, Parachute Pants and suede boots. We're talking about an outfit with probably 80 zippers on it (the boots even had zippers) and the boy still had no place to put his wallet. How lucky were we back then that the photo cellphone hadn't been invented yet?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm sick of these MF'n Snakes on my MF'n TV!

Don't ask me why but for some reason or another I have decided to watch every Sci-Fi Channel inspired snake movie made in the last couple of years. Again, I don't know why. I was contemplating doing a special Snake show on Totally Twisted Flix but all these movies pretty much suck and I realistically can't have a show in which every movie is terrible. Mega Snake wasn't so bad or maybe it was bad but it just wasn't as bad as the others. I don't know anymore. But it was fun while it lasted spending time with David Hasselhoff, Luke Perry, Tara Reid, Krista Allen and Michael Shanks. There's one more I have to watch, Snakeman with Stephen Baldwin, but I think I'm done here. I'll never ever freaking do that again.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Starship Troopers III

videoA friend of mine out there in Los Angeles is up close and personal with an effects house out that way, one in particular which did the effects for this little Direct to DVD gem 'Starship Troopers III: Marauder'. I informed him that it just so happened that we did a segment on this movie on a recent episode of Totally Twisted Flix, a movie I unabashedly called possibly the best straight to DVD movie ever. Now if you don't watch a lot of straight to DVD movies then you probably won't be impressed. You'll know you're this person if you watch a straight to DVD movie and say something such as 'The Godfather was much better' or 'The special effects in this movie can't touch Revenge of the Sith' or 'Hmmmph, it certainly wasn't Truffaut'. Yeah, y'all can't hang out with us. Anyway, I promissed Darnell I'd post the video review and the print review so here you go bro.

Starship Troopers III: Marauder

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Why Eastwood should do Horror.

I doubt that Mr. Clint Eastwood would actually do this since he’s probably not interested in taking career advice from me, particularly since he has no idea that I even exist, but after recently watching his film ‘Changeling’ he should ponder directing a horror movie. He’s kind of done it already with ‘Play Misty for Me’ but he made that movie way before he mastered this whole film directing thing. Though ‘Changeling’ is a pure dramatic piece it does have a few sprinkles of horror elements strewn across its rather lengthy running time which got me to thinking, which is never good for anybody. Considering that most of Mr. Eastwood’s recent films have already been bitterly dark and depressing and taking into account his unparalleled ability to manipulate an audience I’m thinking if he just went full out horror for a movie it would be the best horror flick that anybody’s seen in years. I betcha. I know a few people who know a few people Mr. Eastwood and I think I can make it happen. Hit me back.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Speaking of sokko...

Since they remake pretty much everything in the movie business why haven't they gotten around to drudging up Johnny Sokko and his Giant Robot? With the success and the cheese that is The Power Rangers one would think that Robo and them would be prime material. Maybe they're intimidated by the fact the Unicorn, the secret agency battling the forces of Emperor Guillotine and his Gargoyle Gang, actually used children as secret agents placing them in harms way. But they did give those kids fully loaded guns so they could protect themselves if necessary. I mean U7 might've been all of eight years old but that little bastard would bust a cap for real if you didn't keep an eye on him. And who didn't enjoy the fact that Robo had to do his dance before he could freaking do ANYTHING. "Robot! Power Punch!" In due time U7 because my man has to bust his move first. Simply Outstanding. Of course there is the issue that outside of the nostalgia factor The Giant Robot as a piece of entertainment kind of sucked. I realized this while forcing my son to watch the Giant Robo DVD's I got from suspect origins, and the look of sadness in his eyes at how horrible my childhood must have been that I once thought this to be entertaining. Whatever punk. That wouldn't stop me from going all Fan Boy and buying a ticket to a new Giant Robo flick eight months in advance. I might even set aside a spare afternoon and generate a spec script. Shouldn't take much longer than that. I just might do that.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


So I'm scouring the internets trying to find the Johnny Sokko theme to use as a ringtone but alas a decent copy was nowhere to be found. Desperate I decide to go ahead and make my own damn ringtone. I mean the theme from Johnny Sokko has gotta be one of the simplest musical movements ever created so what the hell. So until Bandai or Toei or whoever the hell owns the Johnny Sokko copyrite tells me to take it down, here it is. Note I didn't say it was any good, but the the first twenty seconds should make for a halfway decent low fidelity ringtone. Right click to snag or click that bar at the bottom to audition.

The Theme

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Death of the Spoof.

Just saw the screener for the Wayans new movie 'Dance Flick' which really wasn't all that bad. Nonetheless here is the opening paragraph of my soon to be posted review.

If this movie ‘Dance Flick’ fails Director Damien Wayans and the Wayans family, a group of people which I believe constitutes 35% of the population of the state of New York, can personally thank Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg for this failure. If you aren’t familiar with the names of those two gentlemen then that’s great for you but if you do know the ‘comedy’ team of Seltzer and Friedberg like we know them then you are well aware this duo has singlehandedly atomic bombed the ‘spoof’ genre. Probably forever. Mind you this is not a genre without some history or legacy my friends, mined with hard work, sweat equity and comic precision by the likes of Mel Brooks and the Zucker brothers and don’t get me started on the near genius of Damon Wayans own ‘I’m Gonna Git you Sucka’. And while the whole ‘Scary Movie’ series didn’t help the genre all that much it also didn’t hurt it either… but then came ‘Date Movie’ and a string of other gawdawful Seltzer / Friedberg money making turds and thus a proud genre is destroyed. Kind of like what my main man Matthew McConaughey is doing to the Romantic Comedy right about now. Nonetheless here we are with a new generation of Wayans and it’s not like the Wayans are going to be remaking ‘Pride and Prejudice’ anytime soon so they gotta do what they know how to do and this leads us to ‘Dance Flick’. Since the genre has been murdered it needs something almost magical to resuscitate it, and while ‘Dance Flick’ certainly had its moments… alas… the genre is still dead.

By the way if anybody asks I think Matthew Mconaughey is a very nice dude.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Taimak Lives!

Went to my first ever Comicon this past weekend with the esteemed Arvell Jones who I have observed knows every single person who's ever had anything to do with a comic book in the history of the planet earth. I was actually there to hoping score an interview with Tony Todd for an upcoming Totally Twisted Flix episode featuring the actor but alas he sold out the Motor City Comicon so no interview was to be scored. I did manage to get an interview Ryan Thompson who directed the locally produced 'Zombie Holocaust'. But amidst the Princess Leia's and stormtroopers and Boba Fett's were a string of old school actors hawking autographs and stuff for spare change. Yancy Butler, Joyce Dewitt, the cat that played Larry on Three's Company, Gil Gerard and Erin Grey, Eric Atavari, Garrett Wang, Kristy Swanson and a gaggle of old playmates just to name a few. But most importantly we saw TAIMAK! The Last Dragon baby! A very nice dude. I would've gotten a picture to put up here but I don't like the cat enough to give him 20 dollars for the priveledge of taking a picture of him with my own damn camera. Not to single out Taimak but all of the celbs were charging around that amount. Unless you wanted to take a picture with Carrie Fisher. It cost you twenty bucks to get into the Comicon (I was press so I didn't pay jack - nor would I have), forty dollars for the right to stand in line to get into Ms. Fisher's booth and get an autograph and another fifty if you wanted a photo. On your own damn camera. Only in America. On a sad note we have learned that they are remaking 'The Last Dragon'. As if remaking 'Footloose' and 'The Karate Kid' aren't bad enough.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The good thing about the summer movie season is that they release a crapload of big budget movies that I get to see for free. The bad part is that I have to go see these movies. I prefer to stay at home and watch old exploitation movies, low budget straght to DVD action flicks and ancient kung fu flicks. Now that's entertainment. The movie that preceeded this flick Angels and Demons, the gawdawful 'The DaVinci Code' had a budget of 125 million dollars. How in the hell can you make a bad movie with a 125 million bucks at your disposal?
Anyway I'm going to assume that they gave Ron Howard even more money to make this movie because it was like ten times better than 'The Davinci Code'. My guestimate is this flick must have had a budget of 640 million dollars.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Steven Seagal

We don't know why, we wish we knew why, but when Steven Seagal releases his quarterly action flick we still get as giddy as a fat kid in an ice cream shoppe. Sure we recognize that 85% of the movies that Steve, I feel I can call him Steve due to our very close one sided relationship... anyway 85% of the movies that Steve has released this decade have been absolutely terrible and some would say that 85% is being quite generous, but I watch them all regardless. I've just gotten the notice that his latest Straight to DVD flick 'Driven to Kill' is primed and ready to go. Oh happy joy! Three word title? check. character who's a retired super badass? check. Skinny stunt man on stand by? check. We've already done two shows on Totally Twisted Flix dedicated to the Straight to DVD work of Steve with enough material for two more. I cannot wait for my personal copy of 'Driven to Kill' to arrive in the mail to see what the one who 'walks like a Black Man and Breathes like a Killer' has for us this quarter. Outstanding!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Off the Chain...

That's what that new Star Trek movie was. I'm no fan of IMAX for regular movies because it's just and extra big rectangle but the movie was some damn fine entertainment. It's not MacBeth or anything but I wouldn't mind seeing it again at regular theater.

Star Trek

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I'm off to the Chrysler Science center IMAX theater to check out the press screener for the new Star Trek movie. I gotta be honest and tell you that for me this is basically just another movie to see, a movie with Zoe Saldana in it, but still just another movie. I even made it available to my people at Decode who I know live and breathe this stuff but alas I'm the only one can regularly turn in a review on time so all systems go. I would imagine there should be freaks galore at the event and here I am without my Federation sanctioned uniform. This weekend I'll probably revisit 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture' which literally put me to sleep as a ten year old in 1979.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Pacquiao v Hatton

So I'm big boxing fan. This ain't got jack to do with movies by the way. When they announced the Pacquiao /Hatton fight I was thinking there is no way that Ricky Hatton had a chance in hell of winning that fight. Especially since he got beat up by Mayweather a year earlier and considering what Pacquiao did to De LaHoya. Then they started hyping the thing with HBO and the trainers whispering in my ear on what a challenging fight this was gonna be, and damn if I didn't start listening and believing that Hatton had a real chance to challenge Pacquiao. I was gonna say 'one day I'll learn' but it's way too late in the game for learning for me. KTFO'd in the second round. I don't want to say that the 'sweet science' is dead but I can't remember it being any sicker in my lifetime than it is right now.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Welcome to Totally Twisted Flix

Alrighty then, we might as well start this thing off by posting something from Totally Twisted Flix as most of you can't getto channel 9407 on Dish Network. Regardless, TTF is the movie show dedicated to only Direct to DVD movies as the intro should inform. More or Less. Note that I was not born with a face for TV. We'll be dropping the occasional video review on the blog over the course of time. Audio sounds like I'm talking in public bathroom. Got that fixed later on.