Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Holy Grail of the Craptastic - Mega Piranha!


Combined, the movie studio known as The Asylum and the Sci-Fi Channel have unleashed upon our eyes some of the worst movies known to mankind. Ed Wood probably wouldn't work for these cats but these two great forces have gotten together and have reached the Zenith of their creative prowess... They have crafted their 'Godfather', their 'Citizen Kane'... They have merged crap, ineptitude, incompetence and entertainment in a way that I don't think it has ever been merged before in the instant classic... 'Mega Piranha'!

While we did a full 'review' of this movie over at the FCU, this movie has so much crap goodliness in it that it deserves further editorializing. First examine the stars of this movie. Paul Logan is a man that can only be termed as an Asylum Day-Player since he shows up in so many of their flicks but his perseverance has paid off as he is given the lead in this movie, and deservingly so. Paul Logan may have attended an acting class, but I'm pretty sure he left that one class early because he had to get to the gym because my man's muscles have muscles. Honestly speaking when battling piranha the size of a tour bus do you want a guy who looks like he can act or a guy who looks like he can kick ass? Case Closed baby.

Then there's Mr. Logan's co-star, the former pop-star Tiffany. The Asylum first dusted off Debbie Gibson for 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus' and now Tiffany for this movie even though I don't think anyone was crying out to see Tiffany back at work, acting no less. If I'm Stacy Q or that chick from Nu Shooz I'm staying by my phone because an acting job can't be too far away. Of course Tiffany had that hit 'I think We're Alone Now'. Well, the reason that Tiffany might be alone today is because it looks like she ate everybody in the room. Truthfully the weight looks pretty good on her. Almost Rubenesque I'd say.

Then when you factor in that Greg Freaking Brady is in this movie... what more can you say? I guess you could say plenty more but we're going to just let it end right there.

But it's not just the stellar cast that makes this film so craptastically fantastic. The special effects are truly suspect, but yet there were plenty of them on hand to behold. I am of the firm belief that even if your special effects should happen to suck, keep going to the well as often as possible because eventually the audience will adjust to them. Case in point, they used this one technique of swooshing and zooming in on almost every scene which was completely worthless, but they kept doing it to the point where it soon became necessary. They also made us watch these useless title cards for every single character in the movie for no other reason than they could. That's called embracing anarchy and that is simply outstanding!

Finally there was the overall 'we don't give a damn' incompetence that was present throughout this great film. The chase scene where the pursuer was observed driving three different makes of automobiles, the scene were the soldier was eaten by piranha which was combined with this scene of shock from the scared scientist looped like five times in a row, Paul Logan kick boxing piranha, piranha eating a destroyer and a nuclear submarine, the captain of this U.S. Destroyer being about fifteen years old with shoulder length slicked back hair, our heroes celebrating the end of the piranha menace even though it looked to me like the majority of them were still alive... and on it goes.

As I told my brother 'Mega Piranha' was perfect crap. He pointed out a bunch of other movies that were worse than this movie but as I informed him, those movies were 'pure crap'. This is 'perfect crap' and perfect crap is completely accidental. You can't set out to do it, you can't plan for it and you can't design it. However every once in a while it just happens, and it when it does... it is magic.