Film Critics United

Hot Girl Winter (2023) - Tubi As 'Hot Girl Winter' opens, the Tubi splash screen greets with a TV-14 rating with the warning of 'Sexual Situations' and 'Sexual Suggestions'.  Gotta say I'm not used to those kinds of warnings from my Hallmarky Romantic Holiday Movies, but these are warnings one should definitely be aware of before taking this challenge.  Our film opens with Jess (Golden Brooks), or Mrs. Claus as it were traipsing down the stairs in her skimpy nightie because she needs Nick  (Jason Mimms), or Santa Claus as it were,  to scratch a certain itch.  Unfortunately Nick is nowhere to be found as he is back in the warehouse making toys or whatever Santa has to do around the holidays, thus Jess has to go to bed frustrated yet again. No worries because the next morning is the day Jess and Nick are supposed to be off to fun in the sun for their 30th wedding anniversary, but again it will not happen.  Their teenage son Kris (D'Varijay Harris) has info...

 Mystery on Mistletoe Lane (2023) - Hallmark Reviewed by Lisa Sue So…confession. I watch the Hallmark Mysteries, like ALL the Hallmark Mysteries, not because I have to but because I like to. I’m talking bakers, hair dressers, caterers, matchmakers, and lounge singers who in their spare time assist helpless detectives in solving murders, thefts, and other various crimes. So when there’s a Christmas movie mystery? Sign me up! Sadly, we know what happens when we have expectations. We are let down. And so it was with this movie, as there is a secret to reveal but mystery? That’s a bit of an exaggeration, as no major heist, violent assault, or the like went down. There wasn’t even a detective or police officer around, so how big exactly was this mystery, really? Enough with my whinging, on with the show! Enter Heidi, a recently divorced single mom who just accepted a job as director of The New Hollow Historical Society. She’s nervous about this big change, which means uprooting her kids...

  All Saints Christmas (2022) - Hallmark Our film opens with Lisette, played by real life Grammy Award winning artist Ledesi, giving a concert while the folks in the audience are having literal convulsions listening to her song.  It's not really that good people, but she does have a nice voice.  After the concert, Lisette gets some bad news from her distractingly handsome manager Zack (Darien Martin) that her label is on the verge of dropping her for the a younger, shinier though far less talented new model.  But back to Zack, if actor Darien Martin can halfway remember his lines he should have a pretty decent Hallmark / Lifetime career in front of him for the next few years.  Or until he stops being good looking. Across town, this town being Los Angeles I think, we meet Matthew as played by the legendary Roger Cross who is some kind of music producer, but a music purist.  You know, listens to vinyl and stuff.  Doesn't believe in Autotune.  Worshi...

  Christmas Casanova (2023) - Stan Reviewed by Lisa Sue Unlike Chris who has the Universe picking his next Christmas movies, I look out to the great beyond, that is the massive list of Christmas Movies growing by the day and just pick the one that speaks to me. Now, Christmas Casanova spoke to me partially because of alliteration, which I know is totally judging a book by its cover. And also because when you think Casanova, is Christmas even the on the list of top 5 things you would associate with him? Probably not, which is why I was intrigued by the set up. Spoiler- After watching all 89 mins, the main guy Daniyal is many things, but a Cassanova he is not. A little background to Daniyal, he’s a work obsessed ad exec who’s having issues landing his new client. He is somewhat pre occupied as he was supposed to be spending Christmas in Vermont with his bestie Tanya, but due to a tree accident Tanya’s parents are coming to NYC for Christmas and spending time with Tanya and her new bo...

  Under the Christmas Sky (2023) - Hallmark Reviewed by Lisa Sue Ok dear reader, after the dozens (are we into the hundreds yet?) of these movies I’ve consumed , I must admit I was feeling the first 2/3 of this movie. There were some things this movie did really well, and that struck a chord. Our heroine Kat (Jessica Parker Kennedy) is a rocket scientist at the National Space Program (apparently NASA didn’t give the green light to let them use their name) She recently had a pretty nasty car accident that left her vision impaired (seeing blind spots) but most depressing to Kat is that her planned trip to the space station, fulfilling a life long goal of being an astronaut who flew in space, is kiboshed by this disability. Sure there’s the fact that Kat has balance issues, the loss of independence as she has moved back home and can’t drive but what really has Kat depressed is watching her dream slip through her fingers. It’s not that the small town paper/bakery/toy store that’s abou...

Holiday Hearts (2019) - Hallmark So my Excel Christmas movie randomizer algorithm fell a little short with it's first two choices this year, not that those were bad movies, in fact, as far as this genre goes, they were pretty ok moves, but they were missing some of the key elements we've come to expect from our Hallmarky Holiday Christmas movies.  So the Randomizer conjured up some Ashley Williams and some Paul Campbell.  You think these two old vets of the Holiday Romance game are going to show up in a Christmas movie with no cookie baking or no snowball fighting?  I don't think so baby. Peyton (Williams) is a hard working accountant for her parents little resort in this little town, but this is the year she fulfills her true dream as an event planner.  Which sounds a like surgeon telling me her true dream is to be a street corner musician, but we're going to roll with it.  The issue is there is an awful lot of planning Peyton has to do to prepare for the famil...

  Writing Around the Christmas Tree (2021) - Lifetime When we first meet Mikaela (Krystal Joy Brown), the world renown romance author is holding a writing seminar about whatever they talk about in writing seminars, but she keeps getting interrupted by the annoying Levi (Curtis Hamilton) who keeps asking questions about Mikaela's famous late mom, because of course her mom is dead, which annoys Mikaela to no end.  He annoys me too, Mikaela, but we know that's not gonna stop you two cute kids from locking lips in about 90 minutes.  He also mentions that Mikaela should revive her famous dead mothers annual holiday writing retreat. As it turns out that's not the worst idea.  You see Mikaela is suffering from a severe case of writers block, keeping her from finishing the final chapters in the last volume of her blockbuster romance novels.  I mean if she doesn't turn in something to her publisher soon, they are going to drop her, which I don't think any publisher has e...

  A Christmas Dance Reunion (2021) - Lifetime And so it has begun in the year of our Lord of 2023.  We want to thank Lisa for starting us off properly this year a few days ago with 'Take me Back for Christmas' which began year EIGHT of us randomly picking Romantic Holiday movies and having deep, socially moving discussions about them and their overall effect on society as a whole.  Such as asking if there's enough cocoa or mistletoe.  Things that are important. This year, I'm doing what I did last year and that is use my spreadsheet randomizer which has well over a thousand Christmas movies in it, and allow the universe to choose which movies I will watch on any given day.  I thought it may be difficult to honor my Christmas movie responsibilities this year as I now have this YouTube channel which focuses on another of my passions, that being a grown ass man playing with toys, so go check out the Discount Action Figure Dude and like and subscribe and get yourse...

  Take Me Back for Christmas (2023) - Hallmark Reviewed by L. Sue The first Christmas write up of 2023- are we ready for another season? Is one ever really ready for the holiday season, honestly? Technically Take Me Back for Christmas came out in July, as part of Hallmark’s Christmas in July campaign. But what with the writers and actors strike limiting content, a topsy turvy world driving me crazy, I could use the comfort and figured why not watch one. You know, ease my way into the Christmas Movie season, that starts in just a few weeks anyways. Pause as it sinks in, another year almost over. I have it on good authority that time and tide wait for no man. So let’s break it down people- the set up. Renee, played by Vanessa Lengies who we loved in the short lived Turner and Hooch tv show and her husband Aaron (the much in demand Cory Sevier who also directed this, he’s an old pro at these things) live in some suburb, living their safe, boring, if sometimes a struggle-bus life wor...

  A Christmas Proposal (2021) - CBS All right CBS, I see you.  You guys want to get in on some of this Hallmarky Holiday Romance movie action while putting in as little effort as humanly possible, I see you.  You checked the studio lot to see who was hanging around and might have a week or two to blow and you found Jessica Camacho from All Rise in craft services and Adam Rodriguez from Criminal Minds getting his midday workout in and they both agreed to lend their talents to the project.  Not to mention the added bonus of the both of them being of Puerto Rican decent so you guys instantly have a Christmas movie with a bit of cultural diversity.  Did you take advantage of this ripe cultural gold mine?  No, of course you didn't other than the one time somebody said 'Buen Provecho!'  at dinner.  Just used some generic-ass random script floating around, and I'm not mad at you for this.  I see you even packed up Adam and Jessica and shipped them t...

  It has been a while but I must admit that it does feel right to get Wrong again.  My hope was, after watching 20+ Wrong movies and of course our controversial, yet historic Wrong Awards Ceremony that Ms. Vivica A. Fox would contact me about my earth shattering tale of The Wrong Barista, which would've been a sequel to the tragic story of The Wrong Dry Wall Guy, but my inbox has remained empty.  Oh well.  With dreams of joining the Wrong team destroyed, we visited the most dangerous of Lifetime Movie occupations... high school cheerleader.  Man, I'd rather be one of those dudes that has to detonate bombs in Iraq than a high school cheerleader in a Lifetime movie because my chances of surviving that bomb are way higher.  Welcome to the The Wrong Cheer Captain. One of these chicks is nuts.  Hint:  It's the one in focus. Welcome to Pine Hills High which specializes in grown-ass women pretending to be high school cheerleaders.  Emma (Claire Tabl...