Film Critics United

A Christmas Prince (2017) - Netflix I thought I had just called it.  Squashed it.  Put an end to it.  I came down from upon high just a couple days ago and made the proclamation that no movie, ever again, will have a character with a secret, meet with this character they are keeping the obvious secret from and say “wait… I have something I have to tell you” and then NOT tell them.  A Christmas Prince obviously did not get the memo.  But that’s okay, because ‘A Christmas Prince’, from Netflix no less, clearly studied every Christmas movie from Hallmark / Lifetime / Ion / UPTv / TVOne and BET and copied them ALL.  This thing is almost a parody of a Hallmark Christmas movie. Say hello to Amber (Rose McIver) the junior magazine editor who just wants her big writing break.  She gets this break as the current Prince of Aldovia has mere days to claim the throne of his late father, who has been dead almost a year, or it goes to the next in the line ...

The 12 Gifts of Christmas (2015) - Hallmark Imagine my excitement when I saw that actress Katrina Law was the star of this movie.  I’ve seen Ms. Law in quite a few things, such as the Starz show Spartacus where she was murdering Romans as the character Mira, or the show Training Day where she played a tough cop that was murdering perps who made the mistake of breaking the law, and of course in the Aarow-verse where she murders anybody she so well chooses as the assassin Nyssa Al Ghul.  I could not WAIT to see whose throats were getting slit in this movie ‘The 12 Gifts of Christmas’!   Sadly… nobody got murdered.  Just another Hallmark Christmas movie. Ms. Law is Anna Parisi, a struggling artist in the big city living in her sister’s basement.  One day at the bakery Anna runs into Marc, the super handsome, super uptight Ad Executive and helps him buy a gift for his assistant, and then a light goes off!  Anna’s mutant power is picking just the ri...

A Christmas to Remember (2017) - Hallmark My writing partner asked why Academy Award winner Mira Sorvino would be showing up in one of these Hallmark Christmas movies, to which I ventured a guess.  Other than the woman has to eat, at least on the Hallmark Channel the always lovely Ms. Sorvino, who is a nudge over 50 as of this writing, still gets to play a desirous romantic lead.   As opposed to showing up in a film in the studio system, say like the movie “6 Below: Miracle Mountain” where she’s stuck playing the worried mom of a forty year old dude.   I’m betting the studio movie paid better, but this movie here was probably way better for the ol' self-esteem. Jennifer Wade (Sorvino) is this realities local New York version of Martha Stewart and she’s having a bad morning.  Nobody is doing anything right and one of her underlings just dropped a turkey on her.  And she’s super mean.  Or at least that what the synopsis says.  I think Ms. Sorvino...

The Mistletoe Inn (2017) - Hallmark Just like Santa Clause, snow capped fir trees, festive decorations and wrapped presents, we have another staple of the season… The Alicia Witt Hallmark Christmas movie.  Between her and Lacey Chabert, we’re not sure which one does more of these things. This time around Ms. Witt plays a quirky redhead named Kim who is attempting to be a  romance writer.  Unfortunately she doesn’t seem to be taking her writing serious enough which causes her long time ‘serious’ writer boyfriend Garth (Casey Manderson) to dump her.  Gotta be honest… Garth didn’t seem to be all that into girls so I’m thinking homeboy did the girl a favor. Kim is about to show Garth though, because she’s enrolled herself in a ‘serious’ writers seminar at this place called The Mistletoe Inn, which is highlighted by the seminar's final keynote speaker being Kim’s favorite author, H.T. Cowell… who nobody has ever seen… hmm…. No sooner than Kim gets out o...

A Very Merry Toys Store (2017) - Lifetime So 25 in 25 isn’t looking so good right now as I have already missed four days… maybe five… I don’t know, but not because of a lack of dedication, just life getting in the way keeping me from the task at hand.  Nonetheless we hope to get back in the groove with today’s Christmas tale, ‘A Very Merry Toy Store’ which is kind of a terrible title for any movie, since the toys stores in question aren't very merry and are all but insolvent...  but fortunately the movie was kind of terrible to match.   In some tiny Northeastern town, near Boston I guess because Brian Dennehey was wearing a cap with the Old English ‘B’ on it, Connie (Melissa Joan Hart) runs Forrester Toys.  A few doors down Will runs DiNova toys.  Think of these two as the Capulet and Montague of tiny toy stores, and as a result, they hate each other.  Which leads me right into a problem I have with this movie, for as you look at the cover...

Wrapped up in Christmas (2017) – Lifetime   After the stressful and emotional beatdown that yesterday’s movie ‘Lucky Christmas’ gave me, I began to seriously doubt if I could honor my obligations this year, but fortunately today’s movie, ‘Wrapped up in Christmas’ presented its predictable tale in a much more palatable package. Heather (Tatyana Ali) is a hard working Mall executive bucking for that big promotion from her hardcore boss Arlene (Jackee Harry).   Ryan (Brendan Fehr) is a somewhat aimless former attorney trying to find his way by creating paintings of suspect quality and helping his aunt Patty (Cindy Pickett) in her flailing mall store that sells stuff. Heather has been tasked by this boss of hers to close down all underperforming stores in this mall… during the Christmas Holidays.   This would obviously include the store of Ryan’s aunt.   Seems like a terrible business decision to me, maybe wait until after the Christmas buying seaso...

Lucky Christmas – Hallmark Channel (2011) It’s been almost as year since I’ve seen my last Christmas movie, and in that short time I’ve kind of forgotten how terrible they are.   Kind of romanticized them in a way.   But ‘Lucky Christmas’ is leading off this exercise of 25 movies in 25 days to set things right! Meet Holly (Elizabeth Berkeley), an attractive, abnormally tall, single, unemployed Michigan mother with a gambling problem.  That’s not explicitly stated, but she does have a crapload of failed lotto tickets in her glove compartment.  And she’s cries broke all the time.  Which means she probably doesn’t have the disposable income to waste on lotto tickets. One night while having a drink with a friend, probably can’t afford that either, Holly drops her keys in the parking lot.  Normally this isn’t a problem, but then you haven’t met Joe (Mike Bell) who is the best friend of our hero Mike (Jason Gray-Stanford).  You see Mike and Jo...