Hot Frosty
I must admit that this movie "Hot Frosty" wasn't on my list of
movies to watch this year, despite the fact it stars the queen of these movies.
And make no mistake, the queen isn't
Candace or Alicia or Tatiana or Danica or Tia nor Tamera—it's Lacey Chabert.
Those other ladies are certainly in the queen's court, but they all must pay
homage to the true queen. But then I started reading some things about this
movie, kind of taking the internet by storm, this little holiday romance film.
I mean, Ryan did a Pitch Meeting on this movie, and I even saw a post calling
"Hot Frosty" the dumbest holiday movie ever! Well, those are some
strong words, my friend, and now I have to watch this film for myself to see if
it is, indeed, the dumbest holiday movie ever made. TLDR: It is not.
Kathy (Chabert) wakes up one morning to a freezing cold house, steps over a
broken stair, empties a bucket catching the drips from the ceiling, and heads
off to her diner for work. It seems Kathy's late husband used to take care of
these things like, uh... calling a repairman because Kathy never learned how to
use a phone. Also, and this is me getting sidetracked, can Lacey actually cook
and sew, considering the number of bakers and seamstresses she plays in these
movies? I know she's a mother IRL, but she's been famous her whole life—when
would she have learned to do these things?
Anyway, Mel (Sherry Miller), the wise old lady that runs the resale shop
with her husband, has had enough of Kathy's sadness and gives her a special
scarf—the same scarf she was wearing when she met the man of her dreams back in
the 1920s or whenever. So thankful is Kathy for this glorious gift that this
kind and wonderful woman gives her, she takes it outside and basically throws
it away by putting it on a snowman outside in the town's square. Not cool,
Kathy. We will say that this was no average snowman, however, for whoever
carved that thing out is truly a gifted snow artist. Pecs, traps, delts,
six-pack, and heaven only knows what else this unknown student of male anatomy
sculpted down there.
Well, I'll have you know that there be magic in that there scarf, for later
that night, that snowman came to life, wearing only that scarf and scaring old
people walking their dogs in the town's square. This living snowman eventually
B&E's the resale shop and steals some clothes. He may be all of three
minutes old, but he's a quick study, and it just so happens one of the items he
stole has the name Jack stitched on the lapel, so Jack he is (Dustin Milligan).
The next day, Jack makes the acquaintance of Kathy, tells her who he is, how
he came to be, but of course, Kathy doesn't believe him. But he doesn't seem
dangerous, just dumb, stupid, and hot, which are admirable qualities in any
human, and he also doesn't look well, so she takes him to the Doc Dottie (Katie
Mixon Greer), who observes that the man has a body temperature below freezing
which I not normal. This medical doctor, who I assume went to somebody’s
medical school, comes to the logical conclusion that this man must be what he
says he is—a snowman who has come to life.
But what to do with this guy? Well, since she did give him life, Kathy
agrees to allow Jack to stay with her until she figures out what to do with him
and sits him in front of the TV, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind. By watching TV, Jack learns how to do literally everything. He is now
a master chef, has home repair skills that would make Bob Vila jealous, and due
to his aversion to wearing shirts, he is the lust object of every woman in town
and the envy of every man.
Well, most every man. It would seem the overzealous sheriff of this little
town (Craig Robinson) wants to bring the resale shop thief to justice and has
his eye on Jack as the logical suspect. This leads to Kathy trying to hide and
protect Jack, but that is really hard to do when you're universally loved but
of unknown origin, which I think is the actual definition of the Anti-Christ,
but I have diverged. One thing is for sure, Jack has learned to love life, love
this town, and of course, love Kathy. Kathy has tried to shield herself from
the love of Jack, but look at this guy! Eventually, though, Jack does get
ensnared by the web of the law and thrown in the hoosegow by our jerk of a
sheriff. He was told, plain as day, that Jack won't survive a night in jail because
he's a snowman, a fact that everyone in this town seems to have accepted
without issue. The town rushes to the prison to rescue Jack... but it is too
late. The Snowman-turned-Hot Guy has died. At least I assume he's dead. The
town doctor is right there and has declared him dead, though I didn't see her
take a pulse or do anything doctorish to come to this conclusion. They might
want to put out an ad for a new doctor. Then
Kathy plants a kiss on his cold, dead body to say goodbye and—voila!—life!
Now all is good. Kathy has her man back, who is the Anti-Christ AND a
zombie, and they can now begin their glorious life together. At Christmas. He's
going to need someone to forge some papers for him.
So anyone who would call this the dumbest or worst Christmas movie ever has
either never seen one of these types of movies before or is just fishing for
clickbait. Look, when me and my partner in crime Lisa started watching and
reviewing these things way back in 2016, I too thought they were bad,
predictable, corny... whatever adjective you want to use... but that's because
I hadn't experienced the experience yet. Eventually, I changed. The movies
didn't change—oh no, in a world of constant change, these things never
change—but I adapted to the Hallmarky romantic Christmas movie, and the ones
that do try something different, I hate those!
Don’t do that!
This one does everything it is supposed to do. Hard-working career girl
(more or less) soured on love, meets a handsome guy, they don't connect, they
do connect, there's a breakup (he dies in this one... a bit extreme,
admittedly), then they get back together. This one is a little different only
in that it has taken the story of Frosty the Snowman and turned it on its side.
No corncob pipe, but instead a killer set of abs. Plus, we had cookie baking,
two montages with one featuring snow games and snowball fights, we had regular
snowmen to go along with our magic snowman, we decorated a Christmas tree, we
had wise old people and a bonus of horny old people. I can't recall hot cocoa
drinking, but I know Jack made some eggnog, that he learned while watching TV, which
is actually better in most instances. We didn't have a near miss kiss, that I
remember at least, and I saw this like yesterday, and no orphan kids. Love me
some orphan kids in my Hallmarky holiday romance movies.
So was this stupid and nonsensical? I guess, if this was like a regular
movie. But as far as the genre is concerned, this is par for the course and
probably better than most, all things considered. FOUR VOMITS!
Comments
Post a Comment