Christmas Getaway

Christmas Getaway (2017) - Hallmark

As reviewed by Lisa Sue.  Note that she followed Brittany Grimes now widely recognized Christmas movie rules drinking game while discussing this movie.

In these turbulent and terrible times, I needed to do something to settle my mind. Something that didn’t remind me of the ongoing horrors of the world, the mendacity of my job, and the sheer incompetence and horribleness of people. What is one to do but succumb to the mind-numbing joy that is a Hallmark Christmas Movie. Purists may scoff that I did not watch the whole movie (dear reader you can clap back if that really impacted my understanding of the movie) and that no I’m not doing this as part of any challenge, I didn’t lose a bet. That I of a disturbed and unsound mind, did freely and of my own volition, click on the Hallmark channel to be whisked away… in this case to the winter wonderland of Pine Grove (again dear reader, correct as needed. Minimal research and even less notes and memory cells will be expanded to give you the finer details) Pine Grove looks like a town that only exists to celebrate Christmas, so in the summer what do they do in Pine Grove?

Let me start of by checking down the famous list. Dead relative? How about mom, not sure how she died, obviously it isn’t critical to the movie plot, but she’s a goner. Leaving behind a young daughter Katy and saddened husband Scott. Ok so no points for main character’s names being related to Christmas. The pair seem to be functioning, not wallowing in self pity or drowning in grief. Grandma Marilyn keeps house, and as such they are fed and cared for. Scott is employed as a lawyer, but suddenly Katy wishes to have Christmas like they used to with Mom, not just Christmas brunch at a hotel. They book Christmas at Pine Grove, which is nothing but old timey Christmas traditions,  Old wise man Hal runs the inn AND the candy shop. One might question Hal’s abilities as a hotelier, he overbooks the same cabin for Scott and Katy AND big shot travel reporter Emory.  The snow is coming down (check) Emory’s car stalls and everyone agrees to compromise and spend just one night together in the cabin. One night turns into days, or was it weeks? Time is obviously warped in Christmas movies, and Pine Grove is no different. Continuing down the list I can neither confirm nor deny the diss of fake Christmas Trees (Full disclosure, I’m partial to fake tress myself- dude you’re killing a LIVE BEING FOR YOUR TEMPORARY JOY) But sure enough they go out to the forest and cut down a tree for them to bring back to the cabin and decorate. We will interject a question here- why were they decorating an Air BNB/Hotel Equivalent? I feel that would violate any contract. This really isn’t your home, this is a cabin RENTAL. Hal the hotelier seems unphased by the commandeering of his cabin, so we press onwards.

The big tradition in Pine Grove is a gingerbread house contest, and Emory and Scott are willing to leave a grown up party with egg nog (we assume it was spiked) to go and work on the house. We question how much one has to pack to be able to have outdoor appropriate ath-leisure wear (warm jackets, hat, scarves, sweaters, even yoga pants) along with formal wear. I think I only saw one roll-on luggage per person, that obviously isn’t holding all that clothing in, and I didn’t even mention the shoes. At this party is a fellow lawyer, Perfect Alice, who has a son Katy’s age. I don’t know exactly how Alice fits in, but I’m guessing that maybe she works with Scott, and recommended Pine Grove to him as his Christmas destination. Katy and the kid play ok together and Emory sees Alice and Scott at the party and think they are meant to be together.  Alice offers the stability, constancy and dependability that Emory thinks that Scott and Katy need. At the party, Scott realizes he doesn’t have feelings for Alice, who probably did try her best to flirt with Scott, but that it is the more adventurous Emory he has feelings for. These feelings manifest into leaving said party before partaking in the canapes and shrimp crudités and finishing up the gingerbread house.

Katy wins the gingerbread house contest, a heartbroken Alice realizes she not only built an unworthy gingerbread home but lost Scott as well, and gently fades away. Not that she was really there to begin with.  There is an almost kiss between Scott and Emory as they look up at the stars, and frankly any fan of The Sure Thing will tell you Cassiopeia is a more romantic constellation than Orion’s belt. Dude, even I can find Orion’s belt, but the kiss is stopped by Katy calling out for her dad, but that is irrelevant. There is snow men building, if not a snow ball fight, and I don’t recall if there was skating. There is a bon fire made for smores (for the record, I vote scorched marshmallows, which is terrible on the outside but oh so much faster and better) the air is thick with the hint of something about to happen between Scott and Emory..when Scott leaves to get the rest of the smore ingredients and talks to his mom. He describes his aha moment that Alice is boring and that it is Emory he has feelings for. Feelings he thought he wasn’t capable of having again after the death of his dear (unnamed?) wife. Naturally this gets misheard by Emory, who thinks the boring no chemistry comment is directed at her. And she leaves the bon fire, heading back to the cabin.

Morning dawns and Scott made pancakes, which while not Christmas cookies, it is still in the same realm and I’ll give it to them. Who am I to deny pancakes? What kind of a monster does that? Umm, apparently that person is Emory, who sees this picture of domestic bliss on Christmas Eve and bolts because she has a heart smaller than the Grinch, is unworthy, is erratic, blah blah blah. Oh I failed to mention earlier her bestie, which is also her travel writer editor, who is the one who booked Emory into Pine Grove. Bestie, who’s name is Veronica, gets a frantic call from Emory about how she is so embarrassed. She put her heart out there, only to have it rejected. Bestie correctly calls her out on this utter BS, that Emory and Scott didn’t actually have a conversation about their feelings, and that Emory really didn’t put her heart out there. In a diner, with snow pouring down, Emory gets an mail from little Katy with all the pictures from their 48 hour Christmas Tour De Force. Emory decides then to turn around and go back to Pine Grove in the snow. Naturally the car stalls, while she’s talking with Bestie, only to hear Bestie, I presume, say I told you so. When the phone cuts out, Bestie calls Old Man Hal, who calls Scott, who has a truck, and finds Emory just sitting there. Now, I know nothing about snow driving, however for someone who’s motorcycled the Andes and prided herself on her independence, it seems antithetical to the character (or to any sense of self-preservation) for Emory to literally just sit there and wait to be rescued.  Or die. Read what you will about myself into that, but wait for her knight in shining armor Emory did. Her Knight comes, does comment that he notices her car isn’t going away from Pine Grove but is pointed towards Pine Grove. I think it was Hal (at this point, this is the end, who can keep up) to rescue the Knight (why his truck is stuck is unclear to me but again, not plot integral) it merely serves to interrupt the Knight from kissing the Damsel in distress, this time the Knight would not be denied. 

They kiss, the Damsel realizes she isn’t as ungrounded as she thinks, that she can partake in old fashioned Christmas traditions, that her writing benefits from her experiencing life and not just observing. Katy gets the family she apparently was craving, and Marilyn gets to travel, with Hal no less, and live the life she had put on pause for her son. We want to know where Hal is getting his travel funds, what meth lab does he have cooking up at the back of the candy shop? We know the candy store must be a front, and obviously his skills as a hotelier are wanting, so how else can Hal afford to travel the Danube? I can’t confirm the mistletoe or if it snowed on Christmas, or if Jingle Bells played but the Christmas magic was strong in Pine Grove. In the end cynics all around were filled to the brim with Christmas spirit. So..4 vomits. And on to the next one.