Ape vs Monster
Years ago I used to review movies, actually review them. Talk about nonsense like plot, character development, acting, atmosphere... movie stuff. I don't do that anymore because it's too much work and nobody cares what I think. Now I only occasionally talk about some movie I saw, like my recent discussions about the Wrong movies. That doesn't mean I've stopped watching movies, no sir... in fact I watched a crapload of this movies this weekend. I'll even give you quick reviews of each of them. Mortal Kombat - Really Shang Tsung... is that the best use of Goro's abilities? Without Remorse - If you like Michael B. Jordan's body and hate Russians, you'll love this movie. The Outside Story - If your girlfriend is Sonequa Martin-Green and she cheats on you, via making out with another woman, are you going to break up with her? No... you will not. Thus this movie is pointless. Mitchells vs Machines - A robot overlord has a foilable 20 step plan to eliminate the human race when all it needs is one step. Murder humans on sight. Again, pointless. But enough of that nonsense, for today we are focusing on the blood that used to keep my heart pumping back in the day, this being movies from the Asylum and especially their fabled MockBusters! Admittedly I don't watch them like I used to, but every once in a while they pull me in. Like they pulled me in with Ape vs. Monster. Spoiler alert... it's terrible.
Back in the day, the U.S and the Ruskies got together to do something jointly in space. I can't remember what. It's been weeks since I've seen this movie so my memory of it will be spotty at best. I do know that it involved a chimp in a pod and the pod was invariably lost.
Fast forward twenty or so years and that pod has miraculously floated back to Earth. Top Bio / Astro / Physio / Genetics scientist Linda Murphy (Arianna Scott) is on the job to see what happened as this mission is very dear to her. You see that Chimp they blasted into outer space was her childhood friend, as her father was the scientist in charge of that botched mission, so she really needs to see what happened.
When our extraction team arrives on the scene they see some weird stuff, such as a space pod covered in green alien goo and said pod is busted open. From the inside. Oh snap! The team is quickly snatched up and torn to pieces by the giant chimp, who has a name via Dr. Linda... maybe Charlie? Buddy? I can't remember. Let's call it Buddy. So Buddy just murdered a bunch of people but Dr. Linda remains its staunch advocate. Then the Ruskies show up, because they own half this chimp, and they tranq it I believe. This introduces us to their leader and a woman in possession of one of the most glorious Russian accents I've ever heard, Dr. Eva Kuleshov (Katie Sereika). Dr. Linda and Dr. Eva have a very spotty history with each other going way back, with me working on the assumption they were lovers at some point, and they certainly acted like they were, but the Asylum couldn't even give me that banal plot point.
First thing we need to do is secure this momentous, Earth altering discovery of a crash site in the desert, covered in Alien goo, that has the ability to turn creatures into giant monsters, and we do that by putting up some yellow CAUTION tape. Yep, the same stuff you put around a pothole. Know what can go under caution tape and can't read? Other than toddlers? Lizards, that's what. Next thing you know the one guard that was assigned to protect this amazing discovery is gobbled up by a giant lizard monster who looks suspiciously like Godzilla '98.
Stuff happens, like Buddy busting out of his containment pen because Dr. Eva gave it more green goo. There are reasons for this that we are not going to get into. Then the Pentagon gets involved led by head guy Eric Roberts who I am again convinced he's simply winging his lines, which is fine because E has done enough of these movies that all he needs is a basic sketch whomever he is supposed to be whatever is supposed to be happening around him to get through a scene as he has ten other movie sets to get to that day.
This is around the time a couple of interesting things happen in this movie, at least for me, since my main goal of watching an Ape fight a Monster doesn't look to be happening anytime soon. Around this time Actor Ariana Scott's face gets dirty. This normally wouldn't be relevant but it STAYS dirty throughout the entire movie. I mean weeks pass, she visits various locations and interacts with lots of people, but at no time does this woman wash her face. I dig that a giant chimp and a giant lizard on the loose is an issue, but this shouldn't stop Dr. Linda from taking the occasional shower.
Also, we also get to witness some of the worst movie scientific handling procedures you will ever see. Scientists are casually passing around loosely capped vials of green alien goo, no gloves, no containment chambers, just sloppily pouring it into test tubes then shaking up the test tubes then pouring the Alien goo into mason jars or some shit. Guys... we have to at least try. Work with me here.
Other stuff happens... like Aliens controlling Buddy and the Lizard... it's complicated... Everybody is looking for the giant chimp and the lizard, which you would think wouldn't be so hard but the Lizard is underground for some reason and I got nothing on why they can't find the giant chimp. The Pentagon is ready to blow something up, and Dr. Linda reunites with her estranged father to break the alien psychic link controlling the giant monsters, because he conveniently invented that technology somehow.
The monsters have made it to D.C., again not sure why, but at least the psychic alien link with Buddy has been broken. Dr. Eva is very apologetic for the deception she has done to Dr. Linda and shows her true love to her by flying her helicopter into the giant lizard. It didn't do anything other get herself killed. But FINALLY, it's time for the fight! Buddy vs. Fake Godzilla 98, the GREATEST OF ALL TIME as the cover art blares! So much for that. Buddy pretty much drops Fake Godzilla with a single right hook. Who knew Fake Godzilla had a glass chin? Something else momentous happened after this as well, not Dr. Linda washing her face, but Eric Roberts actually got out of his chair at the 'Pentagon'. I thought he was gonna pull a Bruce Willis and do the entirety of his role in an easy chair.
Let's talk about the good things in this movie. For instance, Fake Godzilla looked pretty darned good. I heard from a source (rando on the internet) that they just bought some stock CGI monster, but that doesn't mean it didn't look good. Actress Arianna Scott is very pretty even with a dirty face. Eric Roberts was in this movie. Every single Russian accent in this movie was endlessly entertaining.
What wasn't so great was that there were a lot of words in this movie. I mean a LOT of words. We didn't have much of Ape's fighting Monsters, but we did have people talking about Ape's and Monsters a lot. How to bomb Ape's and monsters, walking in the desert talking about Ape's and Monsters, sitting in offices and laboratories talking about ape's and monsters... you name a location... inside a car... on top of a building... they talked about apes and monsters. And very few of these words were delivered with any kind of conviction or skill, with the possible exception of the words Eric Roberts was making up as he was going along. Also not that great, while the CGI lizard looked pretty good, the CGI monkey not so much. Why couldn't they just buy one of those as well from whatever discount CGI model outlet they buy stuff from? Look! I found one! Admittedly this thing cost a whopping $400.00, where I saw on this same site that the giant lizard cost $36.00, but we're making movie magic here people! Sometimes we gotta go for it! I actually have an extra 400 bucks due to some sound Robin Hood investments, so next movie just give me a call... a simple title such as Effects Supervising Producer will suffice.
Anyway, since most of the movie was talking and most of talking was done by folks who are still learning how to act, 'Ape vs. Monster was pretty darned dull, and sadly wasn't The Greatest Of All Time. The solution they came up with for breaking up the monotony of talking was more talking, which admittedly wasn't that effective. What I can say is that while my consumption of movies out of the Asylum has declined considerably over the years, at least their movies haven't gotten worse? I mean that's something.
Comments
Post a Comment