A Christmas Witness
Reviewed by Lisa Sue
So people we have arrived at what is perhaps the least natural pairing at Christmas, the mob and a cop! Cause what screams Christmas more than a mob guy in witness protection and his protecting officer? I mean, we’ve already had cartography, so this was the next out there Christmas movie that was just demanding to be watched IMHO . Also noticing this an ION production, I was curious as to how close to the script they would keep? Overall impression is that this is more a romcom that happens at Christmastime than a strictly a Christmas movie with romance, but let’s set up the premise. Dean Cupo (Colin Egglesfield) is some high up in the mob world, working for Mr. Dinozzo (No relation to the NCIS agent.) We know that Mr. Dinozzo is a mob boss because 1. His name 2. We first see him smoking a cigar. Very stereotypical Italian American mob guy, wondering out there if anyone is offended by such a portrayal? Just curious. Anyhoo, back to the plot, some undercover agent embedded in the Family is killed and Dinozzo (and the other cops) immediately take in Dean for the murder, mostly because Mrs. Dinozzo gives the mob boss an alibi. But the mob boss is still taken into the slammer, we presume for his other illegal activities, if not the actual murder. Next we find out that Dean is willing to turn state’s witness on his father figure boss who’s he worked for 10 years (4 years longer than the current Mrs. Dinozzo). Thus enter in Marshall Jessie Templeton (Arielle Kebbe) who while also protecting another witness, Mona (Linzi Fenix), has the time and apparently no other holiday plans, to babysit Dean. Dean is meant to be a charmer, using his whiles on everyone from the bartender, mayor, and even ornery old women, but Jessie appears to be maintaining an immunity from such charms. Rest assured by the end, she will have lost her ability to withstand such charms. The cover story for the time that Dean is in Jessie’s protection is that they are brother and sister. That’s not going to be weird or awkward later.
The criminal and the cop are holed up in some motel called the Gateway. As part of his charm offensive, Dean volunteers to help the manager Thelma hang the Christmas lights, and as it turns out Dean really loves Christmas lights. And like many a small business these days, Thelma posted a pic of Dean stringing lights to social media... OH NO. This caught the attention of Mrs. Dinozzo, who on orders from the husband behind bars, has hired someone to “take care of Dean, and make it look like an accident” How does one do a contract hit these days, if you’re a mobster who’s on the law enforcement’s radar? Send a fax detailing that Dean is on the naughty list, and that he is staying at the Gateway Motel. See how they bring in Christmas, seamlessly? And if you think the Gateway is some drab place during the holidays, think again! While their room might not have the tree and decorations say of a B&B or an 'Inn', would have in more standard Christmas movies, Thelma makes sure the carolers stop by and seems to be nearly as influential in the community as the mayor. Chinks in Jessie’s immunity to Dean start to show on day one, when they close the night doing something they both really like….watching classic horror films. Although Dean does talk through most of the movie, which does annoy Jessie but its not like they haven’t watched the movie before.
Next day instead of just sitting around in the in the motel room, Jessie caves and agrees they can go down the street to the mall. Where they run into Thelma, who breaks the news that the Mall Santa isn’t there. Turns out he won some money on a scratch off and couldn’t be bothered. If only we all were so lucky as Mall Santa. Well, as they have nothing better to do, Jessie volunteers Dean to fill in for Santa. With Jessie as the elf, she assures Dean that he can do this. Just ask the kids what they want for Christmas, and listen. One of the kids wants Santa to bring back the Christmas Eve Tree Lighting Party. No toys or fancy electronics for this little girl, she just wants the cocoa, singing, cookies and Christmas lights, to which Dean is caught by the Christmas Lights, and with some luck on their side they also run into the Mayor Tammy, who is really crushing hard on Dean. In fact the mayor invited Dean to her place to enjoy her jacuzzi, since Dean commented how upset he was the motel didn’t have one. Jessie tags along, but stays inside for the jacuzzi part, which does beg the question how well can you guard or protect your witness through a window? Which leads to attempt #2 on Dean’s life, with a snow globe falling on his head but he’s saved by Jessie. The Mayor is thankful, though upset the date is cut short, but is willing to bring both Santa and his Elf personally to the mean old lady who stopped the Christmas eve party. Meanie Gladys Harrington is way more immune to Dean than Jessie and promptly tells them to take a hike! Since the death of her husband, nothing matters anymore and she certainly doesn’t want some ungrateful community traipsing through her fields for some stupid Christmas Eve party!
Well Jessie tells Dean to try harder, such as when she planned her high school prom she didn’t take no for an answer from some band of the moment! No sir, she found out a cause the band believed in, and did a fundraiser for the cause which THEN brought the band to her prom. So what does mean Gladys want? Something to remind her of her husband, so off Dean and Jessie go to “borrow” one of his statues from a park and bring it to Gladys. Not to undersell it, Jessie calls Mona, who btw loves Ugly Christmas Sweaters, to sing a Christmas song to Gladys. Well, with some light theft and her husband’s favorite Christmas song, Gladys’s heart grew three sizes.. and she agrees to host the tree lightning event! But not before one more date between Dean and the Mayor at some Christmas dance. This is really notable for two things. 1). A Fourth attempt on Dean’s life, this time through activating his severe peanut allergy 2). Jessie letting Mona do a make over on her so that instead of the usual Marshall jeans she’s in a stunning red dress. Clearly the Mayor never had a chance, but obviously this date was also cut short by the peanut allergy.
In his post anaphylactic shock and delusion Dean confesses to Jessie that he has never felt how he feels when he’s with her, he feels safe and protected. She claims its just her job. And they attempt to make it through the tree lighting, with Jessie telling Dean that it would never work out. He’s a criminal and she’s a cop! In terms of romcom, boy does this movie bring in the comedy, that is if you find failed attempted murders funny (I totally do). Noting that a mob guy about to turn on this boss (who actually turned on him first) should be expecting some retribution. There were at least four attempts on his life people. FOUR. Let’s just say this hitman should be looking for a new job, but let’s not let the marshal off that easy either. Jessie didn’t piece together that these weren’t accidents until AFTER the peanut attempt, which brings us to the climax and the fifth attempt, where the hitman, who’s in love with Mona 'cause why not, can’t pull the trigger on Dean when Mona shows up. But never fear, cue Mrs. Dinozzo to enter and do what needs to be done. Dean, Jessie, Mona, and hitman are only saved by law enforcement coming in and arresting Mrs. Dinozzo who happened to confess to the original murder that Dean was suspected of to begin with. Clearly a lot to break down with this movie, Christmas wise it had way more than I was expecting. Criminal wise and law enforcement wise, these people need to rethink their job futures from what I saw. In the end, the little girl got her wish with the Christmas Eve party, the old wise Thelma got to celebrate Christmas Eve with all the trimmings, and Dean and Jessie can attempt to make a future together. Surely crazier things have occurred?
Comments
Post a Comment