MegaBoa
I could've started the year of 2022 and watched literally any movie I wanted. Haven't seen the new Spiderman movie yet, could've risked my life in a theater and watched that, or that new James Bond movie is available, could've watched that, or even re-watch some of the greatest films ever made to start the year, like Road House or Tropic Thunder, but no... I chose to start the year with MegaBoa. MegaBoa. Yep. Megaboa.
This is a tale of a bunch of grad students, taught by Professor Eric Roberts, dropped off at some remote island to look at stuff I can't remember, before being terrorized by a 60 ft. snake. Ignore that movie banner, because they say it's sixty feet in the movie, not fifty, not that I saw anyone take a tape measure to the beast.
First, let's take a look of at our principles in this instant classic.
He opens our movie by hunting wild boar in the woods, first one to see the MegaBoa and sees an immense payday once they catch it. Instead he sees the inside of Megaboa's colon.
She went to West Point, is sad about those who didn't come back from 'the war' and has a flare gun that she points at everything she sees and is a terrible shot with it, bringing shame to West Point.
A giveaway is his Superman curl and his tanktop. Anything that requires risking one's life, he will be tasked to do it. Until he can't do it anymore.
She can program a drone, turn on a laptop, read a map, knows math, make crutches out of sticks and can operate a phone. See what I mean?
He serves no purpose, other than to whine, not walk far and drink from his handy flask. However, his remains do provide the movie with it's best scene.
Also doubles as snake exposition knowledge chick. When discussing whether they should save somebody, she always recommends they run in terror. Is always the first to run and like any decent scared person in one of these movies, utters the line 'WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!'
The legend himself. He found himself a lawn chair the second he showed up in this movie, sat his ass down in it and didn't get up from until it was absolutely necessary. My man.
So how does this movie progress? Very slowly. Let me give you a feel for it.
This is an establishing shot of the woods. They establish this shot a lot in the movie in case you were to ever forget they were in the woods.
This is an establishing from the ground looking up into the woods. They use this shot often, just in case you were to forget this movie is taking place in the woods.
This is an establishing shot of feet walking through the woods. They walk in the woods a lot in this movie, and talk in the woods so establishing a shot of their feet moving through the woods, repeatedly, is very important.
This is Hot Chick and she runs the Helicopter company. Unfortunately, despite the fact Eric Roberts will be dead soon without help, she can't send a helicopter because the winds are blowing too harshly. At least where she is I guess, because there is nary a breeze to be seen in the woods where our heroes are hanging out. And I've been looking at these woods a lot, so I would know.
Fortunately for us Mean Mug is familiar with a magic flower that will heal Eric Roberts, they just have to make the four hour journey forth and back to retrieve it. Experienced Giant Snake Movie Watchers will equate this to the magical Blood Orchid of the Anaconda movies. This is also where our cast begins to walk earnestly through the woods. Except Eric Roberts. He has a spider bite on his toe and has to sit in his lawn chair.
Eventually, our heroes that are mobile make it to the magical tree only to encounter Megaboa and they run away with Scared Chick leading the way. Unfortunately, despite his youthful appearance, Waste of Flesh doesn't run very fast and is left behind by his friends who NEVER look back to check on him, and as such he is eaten by Megaboa. Eventually they notice Waste of Flesh isn't with them so they discuss going back to look for him. Scared Chick thinks this is a terrible idea and that they should flee, but she is outvoted and they head back to the magical tree because they do still need the magical flower.
So they reach the tree, Megaboa is in the tree, along with a bunch of other smaller Megaboas, and Mean Mug decides to tranq Megaboa. He hits him with his super tranq dart, Megaboa immediately falls out like a bitch and regurgitates some red goo.
Somehow, just by looking at that goo, the friends of Waste of Flesh knew immediately that was him. Not sure how they knew this.
At least now they have the flower so they head back. Mean Mug wanted them to stay to help him kill Megaboa but they say no, mainly because of Scared Chick so they move on, leaving him behind by walking in the woods for a long time. They don't make it far because of snakes blocking their way, so they have to head back the other way, back to mean mug, by walking in the woods for a long time. Now they agree to help him kill the comatose Megaboa, by Touch Chick shooting a flare at its head, but she misses. Her poor aim causes Megaboa to wake up for some reason and it is pissed! They run, led by Scared Chick, but alas Hero Dude sacrifices himself , like a dummy, so they can survive.
Our surviving heroes hide in a cave and are attacked by spiders, and then have to run out the cave, but not until Tough Chick sets the giant mama spider on fire with her last flare, leading to an eight second fight between Megaboa and Giant Flaming Spider.
This really should've been the highlight of the movie. Alas, when one can't make a Giant flaming spider versus a 60 foot Boa Constrictor exciting, there is no hope for any of us.
Eric Roberts is still sitting his lawn chair, while Smart Chick looks at her computer and they observe drone footage of Megaboa. Professor Eric Roberts proclaims, 'That's not Titanoboa! That's Megaboa'. Now I'm getting a little anxious. Is Titanoboa some giant snake move that I somehow missed? How is that even possible? But no, Titanoboa is an actual thing! It is an extinct, prehistoric giant snake. Who says you can't learn things watching TV? Whoever they are, those folks is wrong!
This does lead to Eric Roberts getting out his chair, with him leaning on Smart Chick to find an old research facility where his students may be seeking shelter.
Then we reconnect with Hot Chick who still cannot find a pilot to brave the windy weather to save our heroes except this dude.
This is some dude who hangs around the pilot shack and does stuff. Not sure what. He agrees to pilot the helicopter through the choppy winds, even though he admits he hasn't flown in twenty years. Even though he still wears a flight suit to work. I guess you never know when they're gonna call your number.
As professor Eric Roberts predicted, our surviving members, which includes Mean Mug, Tough Chick and Smart Chick make it to the old research shack and try to hide out there, until they set it on fire. It's complicated... or I can't remember how they did it. One or the other.
Megaboa knew those idiots were going to set the shack on fire and was waiting for them, but ever the hero, Mean Mug tells Tough Chick and Scared to Chick to run while he distracts Megaboa, which eventually leads to this scene.
There is a lot to unpack here. So upon arriving to the abandoned research shack, our three heroes observed that there was gigantic lake pit of acid with a zip line going over it. Why is there a large lake pit of acid with a zip line going over it? Who knows? The facility was built in 1956 and those guys partied in a different way back then I guess. Tough Chick and Scared Chick run up the scaffolding to the zip line while Mean Mug fights off Megaboa, then follows them up the scaffold with Megaboa in hot pursuit. The three of them zip line over the acid, with Mean Mug hanging on for dear life but Megaboa leaps after them, grabbing ahold of Mean Mugs leg and pulling them both in the acid. Mean Mug is dead and so is Megaboa.
NOT SO FAST!!! The only thing that acid did was make Megaboa shed it's skin, and now it's attacking Professor Eric Roberts and Smart Chick who have arrived on the scene.
Eric Roberts had to do this standing up. I'm sure he was unhappy about it. But Scared Chick, who has a wealth of Snake Knowledge, knows that Megaboa is now vulnerable and one who was scared becomes one who is brave.
So, you know, Megaboa is not a good movie. It moves too slow, there was not enough Boa or Flaming Spider action and is basically an 80 minute nature walk. But they at least did jam up the last ten minutes with plenty of suspect action and we appreciate that. Two Snakes!
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