Hail to the Craptastic!

There are great movies, but these are very few. There are good movies, and they are more numerous. The fat part of the bell curve is filled with mediocre movies, then there are bad movies, and those are very numerous as well. There are also terrible movies, and while these are more plentiful than great movies, they do show up less frequently than the others. But the rarest of movie, the kind we will be discussing today, is the Craptastic movie. The Craptastic movie is one that achieves a level of incompetence and awfulness that brings one a level of unbridled joy that is almost impossible to describe and the true Craptastic movie varies from watcher to watcher. The reason the Craptastic film is rare is because it is really difficult to pull off. It can't be planned, it can't be mapped out, it MUST happen accidentally on the organic level, and this is why there are so few. So for your perusal, we have my personal list of some of the most Craptastic movies ever made.

10. The Jail - A Woman's Hell

That woman getting flogged in that picture is dead already. She died in solitary but the sickest warden in the sickest prison in all of Manilla will not be denied her flogging pleasure. Thus we have Master Bruno Mattei's last movie, his epic homage to the WIP, 'The Jail: A Woman's Hell'.

What makes this movie Craptastic? Every woman in prison movie cliche ever created, plus strip club scenes, with the addition of these strippers thrust into 'The Most Dangerous Game' where they will be hunted by blood thirsty big game hunters. Like hunting strippers is hard.

Craptastic Moment? A poor stripper is shot twelve times and we were thankful that at least she wouldn't be tortured. We were wrong.

9. Perfect Hideout

A couple on the run busts up in the crib of some dude to hideout, only to find out that he's a crazed serial killer who got there before they did.

What makes this movie Craptastic? Uh... Billy Zane is the star? How about that, huh? But what truly makes 'Perfect Hideout' Craptastic is that it has to be one the funniest 'thrillers' I've ever had the pleasure of sitting through. Yes, it's terrible on almost every level, but when a movie can inject this much unintended humor into such a short time span, it is some craptasm that has to be experienced.

Craptastic Moment? Quite a few, but I think we'll go with the cop / killer standoff where the cop kept telling the killer how he should blow him away, his gun trained on his forehead, while the killer calmly walked towards a kitchen knife and using his previously unknown circus skills, throws the knife through is chest. The stupid cop has suddenly stopped talking.

8. 2012 Supernova

It's 2012 and a Supernova is sending evil neutrinos across the universe to end life on earth as we know it. Unless we can nuke it! Hell Yeah!

What makes this movie Craptastic? From our friends at The Asylum who have made a number of crap movies, and even a few decent ones, but this is one of the rare ones that qualifies for Craptasm. Sure the movie is about the impending end of the earth, but that's not going to stop Iranian Terrorist, inbred Hillbillies, stereotypically drunk Russians, evil Chinese, bratty teenaged daughters and bad special effects from getting completely into the mix.

Craptastic Moment? That's an easy one. I hate it when I'm trying to draw up an equation to save the planet earth from destruction, and I'm attacked, out of the blue, by a Ninja. I hate that.

7. Hyenas

Brought over on slave ships by the WHITE MAN, these hyena hybrids are roaming the countryside causing a ruckus. Typically, the White Man gets the last laugh in all of this since the Hyena hybrids are all white now. Damn.

What makes this movie Craptastic? There is a lot of Craptastic goodness in this terrible movie my friends. First of all it's not a werewolf movie, because werewolves are played out and stuff, but it's a Hyena movie! That's sweet. This movie has Mehsach Taylor in it. Designing Women? Meshach Taylor? Ah, forget about it. This movie has a Mexican / White guy battle subplot in it, just like 'West Side Story', that has absolutely nothing to do with Hyena Hybrids. And when the Hyenas are human, the stand around and laugh hysterically like a bunch of idiots. Hyenas everywhere are insulted.

Craptastic Moment? Again, very easy. You have to make to the end but when star Costas Mandylor does this one thing in this movie, the award of the Craptastic is cemented in stone. I can't ruin it for you. Must be experienced organically.

6. Zombi 3

That detached zombie skull right there? It's flying through air, on it's own power, about to eat someone. That's awesome. Anyway, a scientist has created a viral weapon called Death One. It gets out and turns everybody into zombies. This scientist is shocked that this happened, even though he named his virus Death One. Dumbest Scientist Ever.

What makes this movie Craptastic? I don't who directed this for sure, Lucio Fulci gets the credit but rumor has it that previous nominee Bruno Mattei had a hand in it too, which would explain why this movie is so horribly wonderful. This movie features the worlds most useless final girl who does nothing but scream and collapse, and it also features zombies that sprint, climb trees, levitate, swim, drive cars, pick locks and most importantly... they rock the mic. The first and last zombie movie that features a Zombie D.J. Come on now.

Craptastic Moment? Our useless final girl, seeing her man is turning into a zombie searches for a glass of water because all turning zombies need a glass of water. But he's not thirsty anymore. At least not for water. He's Thirsty... For Her Blood! He actually said that.

5. Chained Heat

That's a crazed inmate assaulting a tranny right there. Where are you going to see that kind of action? So Carol, played by a completely miserable looking Linda Blair, is sent up the river for hitting some guy with her car. Her sentence? To be groped, raped, assaulted, probed, raped, slapped, and abused at the second worst female penitentiary ever in existence. We've already discussed the worst.

What makes this movie Craptastic? The awesome cast for starters. Blair, Tamara Dobson, Stella Stevens, Henry Silva, John Vernon, Sybil Danning, and Robert Miano for starters. The fact that back in '83 they released this movie the same week that 'Revenge of the Jedi' got released is another reason. This one was far more entertaining as it turns out. The fact that this movie is about as incompetent as any piece of semi-modern cinema can realistically hope to become. This movie is wonderful and it's damned sleazy.

Craptastic moment? If you've seen it, you already know. The Boom Microphone. That Mic logged more screen time than Linda Blair. And it had a better attitude.

4. American Ninja

He might have amnesia, but he hasn't forgotten how to Kick Ass! That would be Joe, as played by the legendary Michael Dudikoff, In the film that started the White Guy Ninja Craze of the 80's, AMERICAN NINJA!!!

What makes this movie Craptastic? Wrong question. The real question is 'What Doesn't make this movie Craptastic?' because American Ninja will destroy your soul it's so awesome. But while Michael Dudikoff and the late Steve James are devastating in this epic, this movie truly belongs to the bad guy, The Black Star Ninja, a character who provides so much comic relief and ass kicking murderous mayhem that he must be experienced first hand.

Craptastic moment? The easy answer is the whole movie, but we'll go with Black Star Ninja training his ninja students by murdering them. We're told it's an honor to be murdered by Black Star Ninja, but I don't remember seeing any of his students volunteering for that honor.

3. American Ninja II: The Confrontation

Somebody on a tropical island is stealing Marines! It's time for Army Rangers Joe and Curtis to lace them up once again to get to the bottom of this nonsense since The Marines can't solve their own damn problems.

What Makes this movie Craptastic? I honestly thought, in my heart of hearts, that no other White Guy Ninja movie could top the craptasm that was 'American Ninja', until I saw 'American Ninja 2' and discovered that this was even more Craptastic! Why are they stealing U.S. Marines? So they can bio-reengineer them into ninja terrorist drones and sell them on the open market. That's pretty darned nutty as far as plot devices go. And again, our main bad ninja, whose responsible for training these ninja drones, demonstrates the ninja drones skills by completely murdering these ninja drones. Whose gonna buy them now?

Craptastic Moment? When Joe and the bad Ninja Tojo Ken had their big battle and Joe was totally wearing Tojo Ken out, this alleged pulled out a shotgun, from who knows where, and started blasting at Joe. Not very ninja like. The shotgun did match his Ninja outfit however. It even had a ninja tassel on it.

2. Mega Piranha

In an effort to cure hunger, voluptuous Dr. Sarah, as played by former pop star Tiffany, has decided to genetically re-engineer some fish to make them bigger. Like Piranha. Dr. Sarah is stupid.
Now it's time for super badass special ops badass Jason Fitch, as played by the legendary Paul Logan, to save the day. By drop kicking those fish bastards.

What Makes this movie Craptastic? You knew it had to make the list somewhere, and that's The Asylum's 'Mega Piranha'. We've already discussed, in length, in many venues about how awesomely incompetent and entertaining Mega Piranha is so we won't waste any more time on it, but if there's something to be learned then that is don't experiment on making a fish bigger that can kill you while it's still small. Tilapia? Perch? Salmon? Something people actually eat?

Craptastic Moment? So many, but we'll go with the end. While it looked to us that there were still plenty of skyscraper sized Piranha left in the ocean, that didn't stop our heroes from high fiving each other in glorious celebration at their wonderful non-victory.

1. Undefeatable

Anna has left her abusive husband Stingray who rapes her while calling her mommy. Stingray will then proceed to kill Anna even though she's nowhere around. Thus if you have red hair and a flowery looking dress, you're in a lot of trouble. Stingray's big mistake was killing the sister of hardcore gang banger / diner waitress Kristi, as played by the legendary mistress of mayhem Cynthia Rothrock. The problem is that Stingray is undefeatable. And I don't think undefeatable is a real word.

What Makes this movie Craptastic? Do you understand how craptastical a movie has to be, to be more craptastic than 'Mega Piranha'? Well here it is. The acting is terrible, director Godfrey Ho is legendary in his ineptness, the action is extremely suspect, the story is completely insane... and every second of this movie works together like a finely tuned Beethoven Concerto. Undefeatable is so devastatingly awesome that I couldn't watch another movie for a week because I knew nothing else could compare. I had to decompress from Undefeatable.

Craptastic Moment? Again, pretty easy. Next to last scene, before everybody enrolls in college (it's complicated), Stingray gets both his eyes gouged out. Hero #1 yells 'I'll keep an Eye Out for You Stingray!' followed hero #2 yelling 'See Ya!' People, it don't get no better than that.


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