The Wrong Child
The Wrong-A-Thon continues on, this time with The Wrong Child. In retrospect he's actually a grown ass man, but the Wrong Grown Ass Man just doesn't have that ring to it. Or does it? A word of warning, I'm gonna tell you everything that happens in this movie. Everything.
Eleven years ago, dude comes home from work, and we know he's not a good dude because he's wearing a wife beater. Nobody decent wears one of those t-shirts. Homeboy is a little hostile but to be honest, all he asks of his wife is that dinner be ready when he gets home because he hates drinking his beer on an empty stomach. That doesn't seem all that unreasonable to me, and it's not like she has a job or anything so I don't know why dinner ain't ready. She says words and stuff to explain why dinner isn't ready but at the end of the day, my man who works all day to put a roof over the heads of her and her bastard child (his words) is going hungry right now.
 |
| For the last time! Stop masturbating your beer in the living room! |
 |
| I see soon to be dead person |
Fast forward to the present day where we meet the happy family in Mom Renee (Vivica Fox), her husband Charles (Gary Daniels) and lovely grown ass woman teenage daughter Amy (Stevena Jackson). Little does this happy family know, they are being spied upon by this dude, who we will come to know as Andrew.
 |
| I look completely normal. They will never suspect me. |
Andrew, who is obviously insane judging by the smeared paint and random newspapers he has pasted on the wall in the room he is squatting in, items that are there for no apparent reason other than he has poor interior design skills, will show up on the front door of this family and tell father Charles that he's his long lost son. Charles is somewhat hesitant to believe this young man, but his wife immediately starts busting his balls about abandoning his responsibility for some kid he never knew existed. As such, Renee begins to integrate this nutjob into every aspect of their lives though her bestie Joyce (Tracy Nelson) has her doubts. Not about Andrew, per se, because she hasn't met Andrew, just people showing up on the front door of rich peoples homes claiming to be long lost children.
Andrew doesn't doesn't like people who have doubts. Not even a little bit. This is where Andrew stops being the Wrong Child and just turns into Mr. Stabby.
 |
| The Rage of Mister Stabby! |
Meanwhile, Charles' life has fallen completely apart. He doesn't like this kid claiming to be his son even a little bit, and an architect or something by trade he has a huge deal on the verge of a success but then this happens.
 |
| Love what you've done to the place |
Obviously Andrew did this because it has the tell tale signs of his unique design skills, but more importantly this cat shows up!
 |
| My Main man! |
Yes, my favorite character from The Wrong Roommate, but this time he has lines and an actual name. But way less screen time. I wonder is that a win?
This totally ruins Charles deal because the perp destroyed all of his drawings. Seconds earlier Charles informed the client that he does not use a digital CAD program, which obviously would back everything up, because he likes the 'personal' touch. Charles is dumb AF.
Also, Amy's bestie has returned from her Vegas trip and she too has doubts about Andrew, even though she too has never met him. Remember what we told you about how Mr. Stabby feels about doubters? He does not like them.
 |
| Just want to take a little bit off the top. |
But what is Andrew's end game? Why is he so dead set on ruining the lives of these people? This is where the synergy between The Wrong Child and The Wrong Roommate begin to completely align with one another. Apparently Charles has a plan. It's a terrible plan. Since his wife is rich and since he's made some very bad investments, he's hired Andrew or Owen which is his real name, to pretend to be his long lost child... I'm sorry... I'm laughing as I type this... and this lost child will befriend the family, get a half million dollar gift from his wife to go to Berkley Medical School, all of which he will give to Charles except the 10% he was promised. Charles will then take that money he gets from Owens 'Medical School Tuition' and pay off his debts. Does that sound like a good plan to you? The fly in the ointment is that Andrew is KARAZAY! Charles is all upset because 'I didn't hire you to kill anybody!' To which it was pointed out to me that he didn't hire Andrew to NOT kill anybody either. Andrew was freestyling. This confrontation now introduces Charles to Mr. Stabby, as Andrew's fractured mind is now the head of this family he's always wanted.
 |
| This is an odd place for my Husband to be taking a nap. |
Note that Gary Daniels, The American Streetfighter, Tekken's Bryan Fury, The Brit from the freaking Expendables, a man who has been kicking people in the face on film for the last three decades would've actually beat that punk into evaporation, but they say we gotta buy into it, so there it is.
Andrew eventually kidnaps Amy, summons Renee to his squatters crib, talks like a crazy person while trying to convince Renee about the 'new' family he's made. Since that didn't work it's time for Renee to meet Mr. Stabby, but in a struggle the stabber becomes the stabbee and thus dies Andrew... The Wrong Child, while calling Renee mommy. Did we mention he was KARAZAY!
 |
| BUT I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!! |
So I'm relatively new to the wrong series, but now I'm a little concerned as two movies in, they are remarkably similar. We're not talking about the fact that they use the same house for both movies, that's cool, or that they used the same baseball bat for both movies.
 |
But instead of The Wrong Roommate or whatever, I just watched two movies which could've been called The Wrong Cockamamie Plan or The Wrong Accomplice because that's essentially what they both were. Do all 22 movies follow this basic narrative? So we have the cockamamie plan, the severely unstable accomplice, and both movies featured well formed grown women playing teenage girls who wear sports bras, yoga pants and like to jog in training for the track team that I don't think they have a chance of making. Which leads me to the strange case of Stevanna Jackson who played Amy, pictured above. What did you do to Stevanna, Vivica? This is literally the last time we saw this woman.
And Stevanna Jackson hasn't been seen since. I don't think. I mean she has no more credits after this movie, and considering what she looks like and that she's probably the best actor in this entire movie, surely there would be more opportunities for the kid? Unless something went terribly wrong in that binding scene pictured above. Has there been an investigation? There needs to be an investigation!
Is the movie entertaining? Sure. I guess. I don't know man! It's insane. It's completely nonsensical nonsense. Gary Daniels playing a weak, scheming husband? That's not what GD does. And Vivica is at her best playing some version of the pretty, tough chick. Have you seen 'Set it Off'? That's Vivica right there. Loving wives? I'm not so sure. Still, it was entertaining enough that I'm not yet willing to jump off this Wrong-A-Thon train I've created for myself... though color me somewhat concerned now.
The Wrong Child should get the same number of Wrongs as The Wrong Roommate, since they are basically the same, but we're gonna knock off a Wrong because they are basically the same. Three Wrongs!
Comments
Post a Comment