Film Critics United

Broadcasting Christmas (2016) - Hallmark Channel. Back in the day, Clark Kent and Sabrina the Teenage Witch were hard working reporters and passionate lovers at some podunk news station in Connecticut, when a sweet opportunity to host a local news show in New York City came up.  They both auditioned for it, Clark Kent got it, Sabrina was sad and ended the relationship and went back to her crap TV job in Connecticut, even though Clark wanted her to join up with him.  Kind of a dick move from Sabrina, but there it is. Fast forward some years to the present where this realities version of the Today Show has an opening, and with Clark working upstairs as the local anchor, he's on the short list as a replacement.  Sabrina, also hearing about the opening, makes a viral video and now she too is on the short list. Former lovers are now enemies again, until those old feelings come creeping back... then go away... then come back one time again thanks to a 100-year old frui...

Becoming Santa (2015) - Lifetime Connor (Jesse Hutch) loves him some Holly (Laura Bell Bundy).  Loves her so much he's about to pop that question, he just wants to do it all proper like, and ask her dad for her hand in marriage.  What Holly has failed to tell her man is that her dad is Santa Claus!  Oh snap!  If you watch this movie, get used to Holly failing to tell Connor important, life altering information. But Connor, who makes lame toys at some awful toy company for a living, will soon discover this critical info, and while at first it was a bit mind blowing... kicking it with St. Nick's baby girl is awesome!  And believe me when I tell you, Connor's toys are truly lame.  His 'Big Idea', in the year 2015, is a wooden dog with wheels that would've been a terrible toy in the year 1915.  But can I guarantee you by the end of this movie this awful toy will be the next Tickle Me Elmo in this reality. But then there's that Jack Frost (Tony Cavel...

Here's the exercise. Every day until Christmas we are going to do something that is diametrically opposed to everything I stand for, that being watching Lifetime movies.  and Hallmark movies.  And since it's the holiday season, we can count on Hallmark and Lifetime to funnel a crapload of overly sentimental Holiday themed movies our way that will certainly make one want to vomit.  With that in mind, we here at the retired FCU will proceed to watch one Christmas Movie a day, every day, for a whole month.  Not Rudolph or Charlie Brown or classics like the Grinch... no sir... we're talking movies with Danica McKellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kristin Davis and the like. Why?  Because we have nothing better to do with our time. The rating system is simple, as all movies will be judged on 1 to 5 vomits.  a 5-Vomit film means that movie hits all the typical stereotypes.  Constant lame holiday music throughout, tired plot, retread actors, and that little e...