30 Days of Horrible Christmas Movies... Day One - Charming Christmas
Here's the exercise.
Every day until Christmas we are going to do something that is diametrically opposed to everything I stand for, that being watching Lifetime movies. and Hallmark movies. And since it's the holiday season, we can count on Hallmark and Lifetime to funnel a crapload of overly sentimental Holiday themed movies our way that will certainly make one want to vomit. With that in mind, we here at the retired FCU will proceed to watch one Christmas Movie a day, every day, for a whole month. Not Rudolph or Charlie Brown or classics like the Grinch... no sir... we're talking movies with Danica McKellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kristin Davis and the like.
Why? Because we have nothing better to do with our time.
The rating system is simple, as all movies will be judged on 1 to 5 vomits. a 5-Vomit film means that movie hits all the typical stereotypes. Constant lame holiday music throughout, tired plot, retread actors, and that little extra to make it even more sickening and almost completely unwatchable. Thus 1-vomit movie means it might actually be fresh and entertaining.
So our movie on Day One is 'Charming Christmas' (2015) The Hallmark Channel
Meredith (Julie Benz) is a hard working, no-nonsense manager of the family department store in Small Town America who really doesn't have time for anything outside of business. You know, like love and stuff.
Nick (David Sutcliffe) is the mysterious, charming store Santa her parents have hired for the Holidays. Meredith would like her parents to consider a lucrative franchising offer from super slick big city businessman Dan (Paul Hopkins), but for her parents to consider this deal, Meredith's mom blackmails her daughter to don the Mrs. Claus costume and help Nick out.
You know the deal. Nick and Meredith don't get along, until they do. Nick helps people, and Meredith is strictly business, until she's not. The deal is about happen, the small town will suffer, Nick is disappointed until the deal doesn't go down and everybody is happy! Roll credits.
So let's examine 'Charming Christmas'. Does it have a tired plot? Why yes it does! a scrooge-esque lead who doesn't stop to smell the roses who has also forgotten what's important in life. Two well earned vomits for that.
There's also this incessant, massively annoying holiday style music that plays almost throughout every scene in the entire film which also gets it a solid Vomit.
Does it have a cute kid and wise old people and inconsequential side stories? Yes it does. Give that movie another Vomit!
And for that bonus fifth Vomit, that little extra, Nick has this penchant of getting in everybody's damn business. A woman wants her ankle to heal so she can continue her Broadway career. Nick gets all in her biz and convinces her not to follow her dreams. Another woman has stopped talking to her shrew of a mom and wants her cute kid to spend time with her estranged husband. Nick gets all in her biz by sending letters to the mom and convincing this lady that the cute kid doesn't need this deadbeat dad. Not to mention all his finagling with the franchise deal. Nick needs to mind his own business!
While that's five well earned vomits, this is not a 5-vomit movie because now it's time to take some vomits away. Take that cute kid for example. He was adorable, funny and as far a five year olds go, kid can really act.
And then there's our star Julie Benz. While this was a TV-G movie, what this professional business woman wore to work, which was all low slung tight wraps and short skirts was definitely borderline TV-MA and seemed a bit inappropriate. And lest we forget that Mrs. Claus outfit. Now when Julie wore that Mrs. Claus outfit, we were thinking that this was kind of a slutty outfit for Mrs. Claus to be sporting around the store, but there were two other Rossman employees who had to wear that outfit, and quite honestly it didn't look near as slutty on them as it did on Julie. Thus we have to deduce that Julie Benz has the kind of figure that magically transforms whatever she wears, at least in this movie, into something seductive. Is this a curse or blessing? We aren't sure. Regardless, because of the cute kid and Julie Benz's figure, we are taking away two vomits.
Charming Christmas - 3 Vomits
Tomorrow's movie... we have no idea.
Every day until Christmas we are going to do something that is diametrically opposed to everything I stand for, that being watching Lifetime movies. and Hallmark movies. And since it's the holiday season, we can count on Hallmark and Lifetime to funnel a crapload of overly sentimental Holiday themed movies our way that will certainly make one want to vomit. With that in mind, we here at the retired FCU will proceed to watch one Christmas Movie a day, every day, for a whole month. Not Rudolph or Charlie Brown or classics like the Grinch... no sir... we're talking movies with Danica McKellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kristin Davis and the like.
Why? Because we have nothing better to do with our time.
The rating system is simple, as all movies will be judged on 1 to 5 vomits. a 5-Vomit film means that movie hits all the typical stereotypes. Constant lame holiday music throughout, tired plot, retread actors, and that little extra to make it even more sickening and almost completely unwatchable. Thus 1-vomit movie means it might actually be fresh and entertaining.
So our movie on Day One is 'Charming Christmas' (2015) The Hallmark Channel
Meredith (Julie Benz) is a hard working, no-nonsense manager of the family department store in Small Town America who really doesn't have time for anything outside of business. You know, like love and stuff.
Nick (David Sutcliffe) is the mysterious, charming store Santa her parents have hired for the Holidays. Meredith would like her parents to consider a lucrative franchising offer from super slick big city businessman Dan (Paul Hopkins), but for her parents to consider this deal, Meredith's mom blackmails her daughter to don the Mrs. Claus costume and help Nick out.
You know the deal. Nick and Meredith don't get along, until they do. Nick helps people, and Meredith is strictly business, until she's not. The deal is about happen, the small town will suffer, Nick is disappointed until the deal doesn't go down and everybody is happy! Roll credits.
So let's examine 'Charming Christmas'. Does it have a tired plot? Why yes it does! a scrooge-esque lead who doesn't stop to smell the roses who has also forgotten what's important in life. Two well earned vomits for that.
There's also this incessant, massively annoying holiday style music that plays almost throughout every scene in the entire film which also gets it a solid Vomit.
Does it have a cute kid and wise old people and inconsequential side stories? Yes it does. Give that movie another Vomit!
And for that bonus fifth Vomit, that little extra, Nick has this penchant of getting in everybody's damn business. A woman wants her ankle to heal so she can continue her Broadway career. Nick gets all in her biz and convinces her not to follow her dreams. Another woman has stopped talking to her shrew of a mom and wants her cute kid to spend time with her estranged husband. Nick gets all in her biz by sending letters to the mom and convincing this lady that the cute kid doesn't need this deadbeat dad. Not to mention all his finagling with the franchise deal. Nick needs to mind his own business!
While that's five well earned vomits, this is not a 5-vomit movie because now it's time to take some vomits away. Take that cute kid for example. He was adorable, funny and as far a five year olds go, kid can really act.
And then there's our star Julie Benz. While this was a TV-G movie, what this professional business woman wore to work, which was all low slung tight wraps and short skirts was definitely borderline TV-MA and seemed a bit inappropriate. And lest we forget that Mrs. Claus outfit. Now when Julie wore that Mrs. Claus outfit, we were thinking that this was kind of a slutty outfit for Mrs. Claus to be sporting around the store, but there were two other Rossman employees who had to wear that outfit, and quite honestly it didn't look near as slutty on them as it did on Julie. Thus we have to deduce that Julie Benz has the kind of figure that magically transforms whatever she wears, at least in this movie, into something seductive. Is this a curse or blessing? We aren't sure. Regardless, because of the cute kid and Julie Benz's figure, we are taking away two vomits.
Charming Christmas - 3 Vomits
Tomorrow's movie... we have no idea.
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