My Christmas Family Tree
As we mentioned in the last review, I am not in charge of the movies I am watching this year, an Excel spreadsheet formula is in charge, or as I like to call her, The Universe. Today The Universe chose My Christmas Family Tree. Admittedly, I'd never have picked this to watch, as it simply has no interest for me. Does this mean The Universe chose badly? No, it does not, because The Universe can't choose badly. Spoiler alert, obviously, she chose a movie about a woman who entered the Christmas Holidays without a man and closed the holidays with a man. The Universe is powerful, but she has no control over this.
Say hello to Vanessa (Aimee Teegarden), the sweetest little thing you will ever meet. Vanessa gets to work early at her Social work gig so she can get a jump on placing Orphan Kids in good homes, get the coffee ready, supply the donuts and also place gifts on everybody's desk since it's the Holidays. This girl is so sweet that Mike AND Ike just texted me, independent of each other, to let me know they think this girl is too sweet.
Vanessa does these things for Orphan kids because her own mom died suddenly when she was nine, a victim of the Night Stalker I think since they didn't elaborate on her passing, and thus being a product of The System, she works her little bum off making sure Orphan Kids have the best life possible. Sadly, this does mean that Vanessa has no family of her own, just her bestie Dee Dee (Aadila Dosani) and her little puppy.
But this is all about to change because Dee Dee and Vanessa did one of these 23 and Me type things which gave Vanessa all kinds of information about her genetic makeup, with one of these things being that she 1.5% West African, which I believe makes her legally Black in the state of Louisiana. But most importantly, the test returned a Paternity Match, meaning that her biological dad took a test on this site as well, and at Dee Dee's urging, she's contacts this guy.
This guy would be Richard (James Tupper) who is rightfully shocked to learn that he has a 31 year old daughter floating around out there, but after talking with his wife Pauline (Kendall Cross) but not their three kids for some reason, he meets up with Vanessa and overwhelmed by her sweetness, asks her to spend the holidays with his family. He even sends family friend Kris (Andrew Walker) to pick her up and drive her to the house. Emphasis on 'Family Friend', not 'Family Member', so the path to love for these two is genetically clear!
When Vanessa makes it the ol' homestead, things work out better than she could've ever dreamed. The kids are little standoffish at first, because nobody chose to tell them their secret sister was staying for a week or so, but they don't stand a chance in hell against Vanessa's sweetness and they too will melt like butter in her warm hands.
Richard does have some doubts about his paternity, though he too certainly loves Vanessa, but the woman he was smashing back in the day, before the army shipped him off, went by Trish, not Patty which is the name of Vanessa's late mom. I mean they are variations of the same name, but whatever. And he met Trish in Providence, not NYC where Vanessa was born and raised. Still, Vanessa is just the best, and nobody sees this more than Kris who is quickly falling for her. What could go wrong?
That would be the worst version of 23 and Me ever. One that gives out faulty DNA results for the sole reason, I believe, of F'n with people. They called Vanessa to let her know that they mixed her results with another Vanessa and while there is definitely a Vanessa Hall out there who is Richard's daughter, it just ain't her. Now what to do? Vanessa was just going to come clean and then jet on out of there, but her bestie advised her not to do this completely sensible thing because it would ruin Christmas for these people. Keep bamboozling them until after Christmas she tells her. Sure, why not.
By this time the entire extended family has arrived for the holidays and they all just want to meet Vanessa, who is getting more and more uncomfortable with the charade, until after a couple of group family photos she just blurts the truth and then bolts on out of there. Kris, for his part is sad for his adopted family, but it really should have no affect on his budding thing with Vanessa, but alas, she flees back to NYC to her lonely home and her puppy.
BUT NOT SO FAST!!! Richard isn't completely buying this. He just feels that Vanessa is his daughter. Richard, like most married men, apparently keeps pictures of his old girlfriends in a box. I know, right? He finds the picture of Vanessa's mom and that seals it. It is almost like looking at Vanessa. So the family loads up the minivan, drives to NYC, sing terribly outside of Vanessa's window, Richard shows Vanessa a pic of his late 80's side piece, who was totally Vanessa's mom and the family is reunited. And Vanessa and Kris start making out. In front of the kids which seemed wildly inappropriate to me, At Christmas.
As I said, I didn't pick this movie, The Universe did, and truth be told it wasn't bad. In fact it was kind of entertaining. What I really enjoyed about this movie is that with a few subtle tweaks, My Christmas Family Tree could be a horror masterpiece. The setup is already there. A rigged DNA test luring unsuspecting young orphan women to their macabre house of horrors, but sending a handsome, charming young man to pick them up to put them at ease? I like it! All they needed to do was tone down the excessively bright lighting a bit, keep the Christmas background music but play it in a minor key and slightly out of tune, and of course lower the camera angles so everything wasn't at eye level and now we are working with something here. And the gotcha moment is when she gets the call from 23 and Me, who let her know 'This isn't our test! HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER!!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! But by then it's too late. She is now Satan's bride. Roll credits. Wait, somebody just told me they just made that movie and it was called 'The Invitation'. Oh well.
Regardless, we didn't get that. What we did get was an efficient, paint by numbers, completely vomit worthy Hallmarky Christmas movie. Almost all the things we expect to see, we got. Christmas Tree shopping, Christmas tree trimming, hot cocoa drinking, snowman making, a big snowball fight, almost a near miss kiss... not sure what that was... I don't think we got cookie baking but we did get Gingerbread House making which is the equivalent, and both our male and female leads have dead parents. We got some caroling, true it wasn't very good caroling, but at least it was there, a bestie of color and lots of orphan kids. Love me some Orphan kids. We had also a wise old person kicking a bit of sage knowledge and cute kids to boot, not to mention a puppy. The only thing maybe missing was that death root mistletoe, but I don't think that's a requirement.
Aimee Teegarden is custom designed for these kinds of movies and I think she is poised and ready to help fill in for the void that Candace Cameron Bure left behind at Hallmark when she defected to the competition, and the rest of the cast was perfectly serviceable.
My Christmas Family Tree is as inoffensive and innocuous as they come and completely plays by the rules. They pretty much have this thing down to a science. Maximum Vomits!
Finally, there's Vanessa's Apartment. While this has little to do with the actual movie itself, but it looks to be around 2000 sq/ft, has an open floor plan and she lives in NYC so I'm guessing an apartment like that is going to run you six to seven large, easy. Vanessa is a social worker and she has no roommate. I'm just a little curious how sweet Vanessa is covering those ends. Just asking the question is all.
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