The Ladies of Adam Sandler - Pt. II
Continuing with Rolando's shameless and inexcusable objectification of the fairer species, and truly I'm no better since I'm allowing myself to be used as a conduit to this objectification, we will now examine the second tier of the Ladies who have played love interests to Adam Sandler in his various films.
11. Fairuza Balk - The Waterboy
Some claim Billy Madison, others champion Happy Gilmore, and there are even those who side by The Wedding Singer, but I will always stand by The Waterboy as Adam Sandler's greatest cinematic achievement. This brings us to Bobby Boucher's object of affection, Vicki Vallencourt as played by Fairuza Balk. There might be prettier women than Fairuza, there might be more ample women than Fairuza, but Fairuza brings the beauty, the sexy, and the hint that at any given moment she could pull out a knife and stab you to death. Brother, that's a level of dangerous edge living that all the money in the world can't buy.
10. Tea Leoni - Spanglish
The conundrum with Spanglish is that Paz Vega could have easily been included on this list, but she was not a love interest in that movie so we had to leave her off. Our consolation prize... Tea Leoni. That's one heck of a consolation prize my friends. Yes, Tea looks like she half asleep, but they call that look 'smouldering' where I come from. Tall, classy, elegant... but still not enough to keep her husband David Duchovny out of massage parlors claiming sex addition, when the addict probably could've just OD'd on what he had at home. That's Rolando talking again. Not me. What was Spanglish about anyway?
9. Marissa Tomei - Anger Management
Woman... your name ought to be Marissa Beaujolais, because like a fine wine you seem to only get better with age. Now does that sound like something I would say? Of course not... It's totally Rolando again. But building on that sentiment, we've been a fan of Miss Tomei ever since that TV show A Different World, which is admittedly dating the both of us, with the Oscar winner only becoming more lovely with each passing year. But if we had to watch Marissa in one film, it wouldn't be in Anger Management, or in 'My Cousin Vinny' in which she won that silly award, but 'The Wrestler'. At the top of her game in both beauty and talent in that movie.
8. Emmanuelle Chirqui - Don't Mess with the Zohan
What can we tell you about Emmanuelle. Seriously, what can we tell you? Because we don't really know her all that well. Even though Emmanuelle has been acting in all kinds of movies and TV shows for the majority of her life, the only thing we can ever recall seeing her is in this Zohan movie. She has a wonderful speaking voice because she also does a lot of animation work, in particular Cheetara from the new Thunder Cats, but what kind of sense does it make to lock this dark eyed, exotically erotic beauty in a sound booth where you can't see it? Makes no sense at all.
7. Katie Holmes - Jack and Jill
The former Mrs. Cruise is one hot number. Rolando again. It's easy to see why Tom's old ass laid whatever hex he had to on the then fresh 27 year old to convince her that marriage to him and Scientology was where she needed to be. But here's the thing. Katie might even be rated higher on this list had she somehow avoided being in, without a doubt, and very little argument, the worst movie on this list. Jack and Jill is so awful, so uniformly terrible, so mindbogglingly misguided, that simply by watching it, your IQ drops an average of 15 points. And hot chicks are amazingly just a little less hot. But to the credit of Al Pacino, who we thought might've committed career suicide by being in this movie, his Dunkachino commercial in the end was comic gold. Rolando also suggested that we put Sandler's Jill on this list. Had to veto that one.
6. Brooklyn Decker - Just Go With It
We have a slight impasse between me and Rolando because I don't even think she should be on the list, where he wants her ranked higher. For starters, she wasn't even truly the love interest in Just Go With It, as it was ultimately Jennifer Anniston, secondly, the majority of the women on this list are... shall we say... mature. Jessica Biel being the next youngest, who is still on the way, at 32. The rest are women that I, personally, would be comfortable going out with and not feeling pervy about it. Brooklyn is only like 25. Just a kid. To me. Not to Rolando. Yeah she's hot and all, but she's 25. Who wasn't hot at 25? Maybe not quite this hot... admittedly... but still.
It's not over yet people. We still have to weigh in the top five, which we will get around to sometime between now and never. You can bank on that.
Some claim Billy Madison, others champion Happy Gilmore, and there are even those who side by The Wedding Singer, but I will always stand by The Waterboy as Adam Sandler's greatest cinematic achievement. This brings us to Bobby Boucher's object of affection, Vicki Vallencourt as played by Fairuza Balk. There might be prettier women than Fairuza, there might be more ample women than Fairuza, but Fairuza brings the beauty, the sexy, and the hint that at any given moment she could pull out a knife and stab you to death. Brother, that's a level of dangerous edge living that all the money in the world can't buy.
The conundrum with Spanglish is that Paz Vega could have easily been included on this list, but she was not a love interest in that movie so we had to leave her off. Our consolation prize... Tea Leoni. That's one heck of a consolation prize my friends. Yes, Tea looks like she half asleep, but they call that look 'smouldering' where I come from. Tall, classy, elegant... but still not enough to keep her husband David Duchovny out of massage parlors claiming sex addition, when the addict probably could've just OD'd on what he had at home. That's Rolando talking again. Not me. What was Spanglish about anyway?
Woman... your name ought to be Marissa Beaujolais, because like a fine wine you seem to only get better with age. Now does that sound like something I would say? Of course not... It's totally Rolando again. But building on that sentiment, we've been a fan of Miss Tomei ever since that TV show A Different World, which is admittedly dating the both of us, with the Oscar winner only becoming more lovely with each passing year. But if we had to watch Marissa in one film, it wouldn't be in Anger Management, or in 'My Cousin Vinny' in which she won that silly award, but 'The Wrestler'. At the top of her game in both beauty and talent in that movie.
What can we tell you about Emmanuelle. Seriously, what can we tell you? Because we don't really know her all that well. Even though Emmanuelle has been acting in all kinds of movies and TV shows for the majority of her life, the only thing we can ever recall seeing her is in this Zohan movie. She has a wonderful speaking voice because she also does a lot of animation work, in particular Cheetara from the new Thunder Cats, but what kind of sense does it make to lock this dark eyed, exotically erotic beauty in a sound booth where you can't see it? Makes no sense at all.
The former Mrs. Cruise is one hot number. Rolando again. It's easy to see why Tom's old ass laid whatever hex he had to on the then fresh 27 year old to convince her that marriage to him and Scientology was where she needed to be. But here's the thing. Katie might even be rated higher on this list had she somehow avoided being in, without a doubt, and very little argument, the worst movie on this list. Jack and Jill is so awful, so uniformly terrible, so mindbogglingly misguided, that simply by watching it, your IQ drops an average of 15 points. And hot chicks are amazingly just a little less hot. But to the credit of Al Pacino, who we thought might've committed career suicide by being in this movie, his Dunkachino commercial in the end was comic gold. Rolando also suggested that we put Sandler's Jill on this list. Had to veto that one.
We have a slight impasse between me and Rolando because I don't even think she should be on the list, where he wants her ranked higher. For starters, she wasn't even truly the love interest in Just Go With It, as it was ultimately Jennifer Anniston, secondly, the majority of the women on this list are... shall we say... mature. Jessica Biel being the next youngest, who is still on the way, at 32. The rest are women that I, personally, would be comfortable going out with and not feeling pervy about it. Brooklyn is only like 25. Just a kid. To me. Not to Rolando. Yeah she's hot and all, but she's 25. Who wasn't hot at 25? Maybe not quite this hot... admittedly... but still.
It's not over yet people. We still have to weigh in the top five, which we will get around to sometime between now and never. You can bank on that.
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