The Ladies of Adam Sandler pt. III
Finally, Rolando's shameless ranking of the ladies that have shown up in Adam Sandler movies is coming to a close. While we here at the FCU are opposed to the mindless and baseless exploitation of women in cinema, and find the practice completely deplorable... whaddayagonnado?
5. Winona Ryder - Mr. Deeds
Ahh... Winona. Just as fresh faced and lovely now, well into your forties, as you were in your twenties when we saw you for the first time in that movie 'Lucas'. And we are so happy that you fared better than some of your co-stars in that movie considering Corey Haim is dead and Charlie Sheen is insane. Sure, there was that shoplifting incident a few years back, but Winona told us that she was researching a role, and if Winona tells us she was researching a role, then by golly... she was researching a role. The movie 'Mr. Deeds'... well I'm sure we saw it, but we sure don't remember anything about it other than the fact that the beautiful woman we remember from that movie 'Heathers' was in it. And that's all we need to know.
4. Jennifer Anniston - Just Go With It
We saw the commercial Jennifer, where you ask 'what's the secret to perfect skin?'... while you mentioned whatever product you were shilling as the secret, you should've closed out with '... and being born beautiful doesn't hurt either'. And while we've only seen maybe a half of an episode of 'Friends', we've seen well over half of the movies you've made, even though most of them were awful. That's called 'Star Power' right there. Seriously. We don't know what Brad was thinking. Admittedly, his current wife would be pretty high on this list too, had she appeared in a movie with Adam Sandler, but we would still rank you higher.
3. Kate Beckinsale - Click
Exquisite, Classy, Sophisticated... all words that Rolando would use to describe this lovely lass from London, Kate Beckinsale. And we've seen enough of 'Underworld' to know that Kate can rock tight vinyl with the best of them. In fact, while Click wasn't a terrible movie and Kate was absolutely gorgeous in it, imagine how awesome it would've been if Adam wasn't in it at all, and they got rid of those kids, and they dressed Kate in her Underworld black vinyl, or less even... not that we champion that kind of thing... added a few werewolves and vampires and then just called the movie Underworld V... that would've been an awesome movie.
2. Jessica Biel: I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
In this film, Adam pretended to be gay, which meant Jessica paraded around in various forms of undress around this guy, because he's gay and won't be interested, right? Even though this woman has the unique power to make gay dudes straight. I've seen it. 'While Justin Timberlake might be younger, prettier, richer and way more talented than me, and I don't envy any of those advantages that he has, I might envy this one here'. That's a direct quote from Rolando. '7th Heaven' did a piss poor job of preparing the world for this. That's a direct quote from me.
1. Salma Hayek - Grown Ups; Grown Ups 2
Number one was pretty much a foregone conclusion, now wasn't it? The only way Salma could conceivably get knocked off the top spot is if Adam Sandler were to jump in a time machine, go back to 1998, and make a movie with Halle Berry. Even then it would be a toss up. True enough, Grown Ups was a terrible movie, but Salma was resplendent amidst that awfulness. True enough, Grown Ups 2 was even worse, and Salma looked as if she added a few pounds, but Rolando observed that those extra pounds went straight to her hips, and we can't rightly penalize someone for that now can we? No we can't Rolando. No we can't.
So there you go, the Ladies of Adam Sandler as presented to you by Rolando. Agree or disagree... take it up with him. I had little or nothing to do with this.
Ahh... Winona. Just as fresh faced and lovely now, well into your forties, as you were in your twenties when we saw you for the first time in that movie 'Lucas'. And we are so happy that you fared better than some of your co-stars in that movie considering Corey Haim is dead and Charlie Sheen is insane. Sure, there was that shoplifting incident a few years back, but Winona told us that she was researching a role, and if Winona tells us she was researching a role, then by golly... she was researching a role. The movie 'Mr. Deeds'... well I'm sure we saw it, but we sure don't remember anything about it other than the fact that the beautiful woman we remember from that movie 'Heathers' was in it. And that's all we need to know.
We saw the commercial Jennifer, where you ask 'what's the secret to perfect skin?'... while you mentioned whatever product you were shilling as the secret, you should've closed out with '... and being born beautiful doesn't hurt either'. And while we've only seen maybe a half of an episode of 'Friends', we've seen well over half of the movies you've made, even though most of them were awful. That's called 'Star Power' right there. Seriously. We don't know what Brad was thinking. Admittedly, his current wife would be pretty high on this list too, had she appeared in a movie with Adam Sandler, but we would still rank you higher.
Exquisite, Classy, Sophisticated... all words that Rolando would use to describe this lovely lass from London, Kate Beckinsale. And we've seen enough of 'Underworld' to know that Kate can rock tight vinyl with the best of them. In fact, while Click wasn't a terrible movie and Kate was absolutely gorgeous in it, imagine how awesome it would've been if Adam wasn't in it at all, and they got rid of those kids, and they dressed Kate in her Underworld black vinyl, or less even... not that we champion that kind of thing... added a few werewolves and vampires and then just called the movie Underworld V... that would've been an awesome movie.
In this film, Adam pretended to be gay, which meant Jessica paraded around in various forms of undress around this guy, because he's gay and won't be interested, right? Even though this woman has the unique power to make gay dudes straight. I've seen it. 'While Justin Timberlake might be younger, prettier, richer and way more talented than me, and I don't envy any of those advantages that he has, I might envy this one here'. That's a direct quote from Rolando. '7th Heaven' did a piss poor job of preparing the world for this. That's a direct quote from me.
Number one was pretty much a foregone conclusion, now wasn't it? The only way Salma could conceivably get knocked off the top spot is if Adam Sandler were to jump in a time machine, go back to 1998, and make a movie with Halle Berry. Even then it would be a toss up. True enough, Grown Ups was a terrible movie, but Salma was resplendent amidst that awfulness. True enough, Grown Ups 2 was even worse, and Salma looked as if she added a few pounds, but Rolando observed that those extra pounds went straight to her hips, and we can't rightly penalize someone for that now can we? No we can't Rolando. No we can't.
So there you go, the Ladies of Adam Sandler as presented to you by Rolando. Agree or disagree... take it up with him. I had little or nothing to do with this.
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