The Wrong Fiancé
Does this crazy looking SOB right there looks like he could be the right anything? No sir, I don't think so, but the fact that this cat looks like he eats murder for dinner with a side dish of serial kill is not going to stop him from having a couple of hot girlfriends, walking around in his underwear and killing people who should probably have seen it coming a mile away. We must be watching a 'Wrong' movie.
I've watched so many of these in such a relatively short amount of time, that I feel as if the regulars in these movies are my close personal friends and I will address them as such. Abby, as played by my homegirl Jessica Morris, is having a hard time sleeping.
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| "I am SO sincere" |
She keeps having this recurring dream about her ex-fiancé Richard, as played by my Main Man Jason-Shane Scott. Other than the fact Abby dreams in creepy colors with accompanying ominous background music, it looks like a nice enough dream with flower petals and a diamond ring, but then Richard's face turns all evil and stuff, and Abby wakes up in a cold sweat.
Anyway it's off to work where Abby is a fashion photographer under the watchful eye of her editor Charlotte, played by my very close and personal friend Vivica A. Fox. While Abby was snapping fashion pictures with her Canon 3TI, which I don't think any professional would actually use (It's what I own), Richard stops by to see her before Charlotte cuts him off at the pass and tells that fool to kick rocks.
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| You can do better |
Abby is very thankful that this strong sister has her back as Richard runs away in fear of Vivica, then the two enjoy a drink while Abby whines about Richard some more. It's never made completely clear what Richard did to her... I mean we will eventually learn him to be an abusive, murderous dick... but he apparently wasn't any of that while they were dating so maybe Abby just had a feeling? Oh, and he's a peeping tom.
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| I told them to use Windex!!! |
But why is Richard so hung up on Abby, especially when he already has a crazy hot replacement girlfriend in Jen, as played by my number one girl from way back, Gina Hiraizumi. In my humble opinion, Jen is better in every possible way, physically at least, but alas, Jen has a tiny hole in her brain. It's that part of the brain that stops you from checking your man's cell phone, especially if said man is an abusive murderous dick.
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| STI screens are Confidential! And I'm over here in my underwear. Girl you need priorities. |
Richard doesn't like it when people check his phone. That was Strike One Jen.
After Jen gets shaken down for looking at Richard's phone, Abby knows she needs to get away. Boss Charlotte gets her a gig taking pictures of random shit in some small town up the freeway, along with a nice house to rent. It is the same house from The Wrong Real-Estate agent, so I can confirm it is available for rent.
While taking pictures of random shit no one wants to see, Abby spies this guy traipsing around.
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| -Gotta show the ladies how to Bend... |
Mind you this is second time she's violated this gentlemen's privacy in taking pictures of his near nakedness without his permission. We should also mention while Abby was hiding taking pictures of him, somebody in an evil black hoodie was hiding in the woods taking pictures of her... taking pictures. This object of Abby's thirst would be Logan (Justin Schwan) and he sneaks up behind the lady taking pictures of him and scares her near to death because that's FUNNY! Then he takes her out for a drink. Right now I'm a little confused about this movie. I mean we've already met the Wrong Fiancé in the very first scene, and he's not a fiancé anymore, so is Logan going to be the Wrong Fiancé? Regardless of what's going on, I'm not liking Logan's chances of surviving this movie.
Anyway, these two go out for drinks, Abby goes off the bathroom and leaves her phone behind, because this is something people ONLY do in movies, and Logan notices an ominous text...
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| THIS text will show up in divorce court someday.. |
Now Logan knows that there's a lunatic aggressively hawking Abby and he offers to drive her home, which she allows him to do, 'but no funny business!' Girl, stop fronting. We've seen you in quite a few these and it's just a matter of time. Just give it to him now and save us the trouble. But Logan does go home but if he had stayed a few seconds later he would've seen the prowler hanging around the property. Waitaminute... This scene looks familiar to me....
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| The Wrong Wedding Planner |
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| The Wrong Cheerleader Coach |
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| The Wrong Mommy |
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| The Wrong Fiancé |
I only have three more of these to go and I wonder if they are going to use this singular 'trying to get through the window before entering through the front door' in every one. I sure hope so. Anyway some dude gets in the front door and just lurks around the house, doing nothing in particular other scaring Abby with bump noises. Abby does call the cops, this being Chief Sawyer, as played by my old High School drinking buddy Michael Pare, but he is a cop in a Wrong movie, which means he's terrible at his job. He tells to her get some rest and it'll be all right in the morning. Prowlers in your house is a pretty normal thing in these parts, missy.
Back in sunny L.A., Richard observes that his initial message he was attempting to get across to his girlfriend Jen did not quite sink in as he catches her scrolling through his phone yet again.
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| I said, "CONFIDENTIAL", Dammit! |
This time Richard gets physical with her, even using the old standby abuser line 'See what you made me do'. Jen... That's strike two. I'd like to believe there will be no chance for a strike three because she will leave this asshole, but alas....
Back up the freeway, Abby and Logan are getting along swimmingly. Logan purchased some junk from a thrift store which Abby just loved. Who knew that buying used shit at a Goodwill and giving it to woman was viable angle to get those drawers? Who knew? Other than Logan? Then the two of decide to retrofit one of the rooms in this house... that's rented and actually belongs to somebody... into a darkroom. So much for that security deposit I guess. But the gift of used junk and wrecking somebody's home apparently was all Abby needed for the get down.
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| That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I Like it... |
After that spirted bout of lovin', Jessica leans over to wake up her new man but sadly she only sees Richard.
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| Chronic Male Morphism: When you go to bed with one guy and he morphs into another guy. It's becoming an epidemic. |
It's just another nightmare. In fact Logan is nowhere to be found, claiming he wanted Abby to get her rest. Then while dinking around the house in her new darkroom, she finds one her pictures all defaced and stuff.
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| Scratched out Pics are Never good |
Now Abby KNOWS somebody has been in the house, and with Sheriff Sawyer not wanting to do his job even a little bit, claiming it's rats that did all this, Logan grabs a nine iron and tells Abby to wait while he investigates. Oh my, what does Logan find?
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| Remember my text? |
Yep, he finds Richard. Apparently, Logan was hired by Richard to only 'keep an eye' on Abby, not any of that other stuff he did. But one thing I've learned via watching these movies, if you pay somebody to 'keep an eye' on somebody, that somebody invariably is going to fall in love with that other somebody. Especially if that other somebody is played by my homegirl Jessica Morris because she has it like that. Logan has fallen hard for Abby and wants to call off the arrangement, Richard says 'no' which makes Logan sad.
Back home Richard has to take a shower. Sigh.... Jen sees his phone and starts going through it AGAIN! This time she sees stuff she shouldn't have seen. Strike three baby.
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| What part of Confidential do you Not understand? |
Jen will be missed, only by us though because apparently the only family she had was her murderous dick of a boyfriend.
Back up the freeway, It's Abby's turn to take a shower after some more Logan lovin', but this time she's startled by a peephole in the shower.
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| Anyone who has seen the movie Zombi, knows putting one's eyeball next to an open hole is an absolute no-no. |
I'm not completely sure how the peeping tom game works, but I do have some rough ideas. First of all, that hole goes from the master bedroom to the main shower, which doesn't seem to be the most clandestine place to put a peephole. And who's doing this peeping anyway? Is it Richard? I mean they were engaged for six months and Abby isn't what we would call chaste so I'm sure he's seen her naked plenty of times, so why the peepholes in a shower? Unless it's Logan who at the present is seeing Abby naked a lot right now. But as I said, I don't know how the peeping tom game works. We're not even going to mention more destruction of this house that actually belongs to somebody.
Abby has to get some answers so she talks to the worthless sheriff who lets her know that the people who own the house are friends of his and where she can reach them, so she goes to visit them. Upon meeting the woman who owns the house, she speaks glowingly about Abby's husband and how he needed a spare key, but damn... Abby ain't got no husband. Richard! Well Abby has to get back to the house, but while she's away, Richard and Logan have another meeting at the house where Logan says he's out, and that Richard has to leave Abby alone. For good! Richard, surprisingly, agrees with this. By murdering him. The murder was kind of funny because Logan turned his back and walked away, which of course one should never do with murderous dicks. Always back away, until they are out of sight. Pro tip for the day.
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| Ignore a Pro Tip at your own risk |
Abby can't reach Logan, who of course she still doesn't know that Richard and him were in cahoots, so she calls the sheriff, who reluctantly gets off his ass to investigate.
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| He hated pulling his gun out on the Leaning Fern but that plant does have a History of Violence. |
Upon entering the house he senses something is wrong and pulls out his gun. I'm thinking if a situation warrants me pulling out my gun, for any reason, I'm calling backup. Actually, I'm not doing anything until backup arrives. But I'm not a Wrong Cop. He slowly... oh so slowly... walks through the house until he finds dead Logan and basically just stands there staring at him like he's waiting for somebody to walk up behind him and hit him on the head with a hammer. He got his wish.
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| Remember Eddie from Eddie and Cruisers? That's him, dead on the bathroom floor. A sad end to a once great rock star. |
Abby finally makes it home, finds dead people, hears Richard who has the dead cops gun and hides in the darkroom. Richard talks some craziness, breaks down the door and can't find her. I mean there is only one other room so she could only be in one place, but Richard is dumb.
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| Where is dat wascally wabbit? |
Abby proceeds to stab Richard in the back and here, Abby has some options. After Richard hits the ground, she could continue to stab him, finishing the job. Or she could run out the house and get in her car and drive to the police station. Or she could get on her phone and call for help, while leaving the house while driving to the police station. Abby chooses option four, when there were only three options, which is to stay in the house and hide in a closet.
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| Abby was thinking of stabbing the only thing Richard liked about her, but we talked her out of it. |
Now, for reasons I can't explain, Charlotte shows up.
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| Well, it doesn't look like she's on the roof. |
Actually, I know why she shows up because the movie is almost over and Vivica has to be there to deliver the line. But otherwise there's no real reason for her to be there. So Charlotte walks through the house calling Abby's name, but Abby, in what can only be called a dick move, doesn't answer. Even though she knows full where there's an armed killer in the house, or she wouldn't be hiding in a closet. Richard eventually finds Charlotte, which wasn't hard because she was walking through the house yelling out like a harpy.
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| I'm not scared - I'm the Producer! |
Richard thinks he has the upper hand here. Thinks he has Charlotte at a disadvantage because he has a gun to her head which finally forces Abby out in the open, but this MF obviously hasn't seen Kill Bill Vol. 1 and gets his ass kicked. Charlotte then kicks the gun over to Abby.
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| SHOOT THE MOTHER F@#KER!!! |
Richard, fresh off getting waylaid by Vernita Green, tries to tell Abby he loves her and that they will always be together, and she could never shoot him. She shoots him. But only in the leg. Body mass girlfriend. Body mass.
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| Richard tore his ACL whilst playing Chopin's Waltz in C-minor. Admittedly, this rarely happens. |
And so ends the tale of the wrong fiancé. The cops come, other cops I guess, not the dead one lying on the bathroom floor, and Vivica delivers the line and all is well. But not really because while Richard is safely locked away with a bullet in his leg, Abby still has the nightmares.
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| Girl, if all of this this what you consider a nightmare, I'd love to see your happy dreams. |
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| And THAT's how you end a movie... |
Just to be clear, and I'm sure anybody who has ready any of this nonsense I write knows this by now, but I am not reviewing these movies. I am not here to tell you that the Director of Photography failed to paint the intricacies and subtleties of a dread filled thriller with his light choices. I am not here to tell you that the script fell short of mapping out a path to redemption as a thriller crafted by Fincher or Lynch would have done. I am not here to tell you that performances paled to those Hitchcock managed to squeeze out his stars, similar to his work with Stewart or Leigh. No, we're just watching, and describing some Lifetime movies made by some close personal friends of mine, probably over a weekend, judged only against the ones that came before it.
So how does this movie measure up? Well, it's a middle of the road Wrong movie. I'm of the opinion that these movies are made or broken by the crazy that leads them, and Jason-Shane Scott in this one was way less crazy and just plain villainous. I mean he's slapping women and killing people and scowling at people just like any average Lifetime villain. You'd have to go all the way back to the Wrong Roommate to see Jason effectively play crazy the way we expect wrong crazy to be. But the body count attached to him was high, which is necessary for a decent Wrong movie, and the cops were absolutely trash, which also makes for a decent Wrong movie. Since I don't watch a heck of a lot of Lifetime thrillers, other than these Wrong movies, it has been pointed out to me that trash cops are a staple of Lifetime thrillers and not just unique to Wrong movie thrillers. Also, the male exploitation was pretty high which is almost always expected in a wrong movie directed by David DeCoteau. Low on the female exploitation, other than watching Jessica Morris jog at the end, which at this point is a constant and barely exploitative. No hidden cameras, but we did have an inappropriate peephole, and we did kind of revert back to the early days of the wrong with a cockamamie plan involving one guy paying another guy to do something stupid, which almost always backfires. That was appreciated.
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