The Wrong Real Estate Agent

The Wrong Real Estate Agent

So, while a lot of us might have difficulty relating to the Wrong Cheerleader Coach or the Wrong Boy Next Door, Or the Wrong Yoga Instructor, anybody who has purchased a home or even looked for an apartment can probably relate to a Wrong Real Estate Agent.  For my first house, and I kid you not, my real estate agent usually showed up with his mustache laced with white powder, which I'm pretty sure was cocaine.  Or heroin.  Can you even snort heroin?  I'm not a drug guy so I don't know.  And he was really bad at his job, on top of being zonked most of the time.  So yes, I can relate to the Wrong Real Estate agent.  However, and I do hate to nitpick... okay, that's not true, I'm a nitpicking MF if ever  there was one... but Charles (Andres Londono) is more the Wrong Landlord than the Wrong Real Estate Agent since he's actually renting out his own property.  But hey, we can now save The Wrong Landlord for a future movie.  On we go!

A pretty lady (Carmel Fisher) is sitting in her home, minding her own business playing on her phone when she hears something.  

Blinds Kim.  Blinds.  A standard Peeping Tom Deterrent.

She investigates, sees some dude in her window in a black hoodie, which we all know makes him evil, and puts down her completely functional cellphone and picks up a knife.  I can't stress this enough folks, while Words with Friends is fun, the rarely used Dial Out feature on cellphones does come in handy.  She yells something at him and we get the TITLE CARD.

Fast forward a bit and we get to meet Julie, played by the Glorious Vivica A. Fox, in one of the thirty or so outfits she will wear in this movie, who, in a rare turn, actually stars in this one.  She is quite happy because, thanks to Charles, she has secured her dream home, and for way less than it's actual value.

It's not that he's unattractive, but that cheap suit
is what's keeping Julie from making eye contact.

Julie's boss and bestie Annie (Gina Hiraizumi) has never trusted Charles, because he gives her, and everybody on the planet except Julie, the creeps, but Julie explains that Charles helped out when she was down and even started her off on her current career as a real-estate agent.  It would also appear that Charles and Julie used to be an item, which Julie constantly plays down, which we must assume was just a fling thing which Julie would like to move past... Charles... not so much.  

Now all moved in, Julie and Maddie (Alaya Lee Walton), her teenage daughter of varying degrees of disrespectfulness, are all setup in to this wonderful, large home but there's always the strange sounds, and there's always the black hoodie creeper.

I'm no expert, really... I'm not, but Peeping Tom 101,
Try to avoid backlighting.  And somebody buy some blinds!

That creeper above is just Connor (Tom Sandoval) the Handyman.  Connor is not the villain in this piece so I'm not sure why he's always lurking around peering into windows, other than I guess he's a peeping tom?  Who knows.  

Also always hanging around the house is this dude.

To complete this unholy triumvirate of peeping toms,
Bill was most comfortable spying amongst the chrysanthemums. 

This is their weird neighbor who lurks in the bushes and makes it a point to introduce himself to everybody who comes to the house, talk crap about Charles, but never finds the time to introduce himself to the people who actually inhabit the house, who could actually use whatever this information is he has about Charles.

For Julie and Maddie, after a dinner where Maddie pines for the father that abandoned the both of them, it's time to settle in, but Julie, again, hears weird noises while trying to take a shower, in addition to noticing that somebody's been using this shower.  She asks Maddie if she's been using her shower, which offends Maddie because she has her own damn shower.  Okay, so there's clearly somebody else in the house, we know that somebody is Charles because of the title of the movie, but you mean to tell me he's using the shower and not cleaning it after using it?  that's just nasty Charles.

Julie was curious why this one shower had THREE shower heads.

And what kind of dirty bastard of a wrong real estate agent would NOT put hidden cameras all over the house?  Not one I'd want to be associated with, that's for sure, because this house is loaded with hidden cameras.

You may be wondering about that large speaker, but when
Charles isn't peeping, he's playing Fortnite. 

The next day, Annie the bestie decides to pay her friend a visit, but not before the strange neighbor bursts out from the bushes to again introduce himself to someone who is not the current house resident,  mainly to talk crap about Charles, but this time he does it without a shirt.

Hey lady, my eyes are up here.  Oh, you're actually looking at them.
I guess I'll put my pants back on then.

When Annie does make it in the house, she also runs into Connor the creepy handyman who is setting some traps in the attic which may, or may not be the source of the weird sounds that Julie hears every night.  They also sit down and have some tea where Annie continues to voice her very valid issues about Charles and his inherent creepiness.  

Later that night Julie hears even MORE noises and goes to investigate, as she does often in this movie, but this time she finds the culprit!

She's fully dressed and as you can clearly see, I'm in a state, Mrs. Fisher. 
We obviously haven't done anything yet.

It's her horny ass daughter sneaking her miniature hunk of a boyfriend in the house.  Obviously this situation didn't go over great for Maddie, or Shane the boyfriend for that matter, but Julie seemed less concerned about her daughter f@#kin' in the house, and more concerned that this cat climbed two stories into a open window to get to some of that, and could've broken his neck in the process, which in turn would've bought down a terrible lawsuit and ruined Julie.  That was her main concern, which I guess is a valid concern now that I think about it.  Julie also finds a pot on the stove that somebody used to cook something, and she knows damn well it wasn't Maddie's non-cooking, boyfriend sneaking ass.  So not only does Charles not clean the shower behind himself in the house he's secretly lives in, he also doesn't clean up behind himself in the kitchen of the house he secretly lives in.  Charles is like the worst secret squatter ever.

Well Julie isn't going to let her daughter be the only one getting some action around here, as she shows up to work the next day with her hair laid, make up game tight and her dress snug and elegant.  Annie is wondering why she's all dressed up, to which Julie explains she has a date that evening.  

For no reason, Julie and Annie just break out into two part harmony.
Todays song is 'You Don't Bring me Flowers'.

I am not a woman so I am in no position to question why a woman would show up for work in the morning, dressed for a date she has later that evening.    Maybe this is a common thing.  I am now looking around my job right now and no, it would seem none of the ladies here have a date this evening because they are all wearing regular work clothes.  That's sad.   Actually, if she didn't get dressed up for work then Charles wouldn't have seen her and wouldn't have excused himself so he could freak the f@#k out in privacy, which also includes him slapping himself repeatedly.  Charles is officially KARAZAY!

Kaopectate, Mylanta, Pepto... nothing was working.

Eventually, many hours later, Julie's date happens, with the date showing up, mind blown at the beauty before him, with Charles looking out at them in the upstairs window, with hate in his eyes, because he totally lives in the attic somewhere.  Horny Maddie, with mom out the house, wastes no time in calling her boyfriend, but he's in the middle of his workout.  Waitaminute... this workout room looks familiar to me...

The Wrong Real Estate Agent

The Wrong Cheerleader Coach

I wonder whose house that is.  At least they adjusted the lighting to at least make it look like it might be different.  

The date goes fabulous, with these two engaging in conversation which bored me to DEATH!  But at least those two had a good time.

The smell of her knuckles was all he needed to get through the night.

I also noticed that Vivica was actually eating during this dinner date. Usually it's just fake food in front of the actors while they recite dialog, but Viv obviously hungry and clearly wasn't having any of that. To be honest her date was the one actually doing all the talking because Vivca was too busy tearing into that steak in front of her.  The guy playing her date didn't take a bite of anything because I don't think his contract warranted him getting any food.  Need to negotiate better next time brother.

While the date might've gone well, there was one person who wasn't pleased and he tracks down this date to let him know as much.

Despite the size difference, weight difference and pink shirt,
Charles was sure he could take him.  We don't know why.

It was just one date, and homeboy told the lunatic in front him brandishing the knife that he would step aside if it meant that much to him, but then he basically runs into Charles' knife for some reason.  No second date for Julie.  However that didn't stop Charles from stealing this guys phone and texting up a second date, which he obviously will not show up for, so Charles can conveniently be passing by to soothe Julie in her disappointment of being stood up.  Look at that smooth criminal over here!

The next day Connor comes over to do some more creepy Handy Man stuff and notices a locked door in the house.  We've seen that locked door before, which Charles says is just a room housing the belongings of his aunt who used to own the house before leaving it to him.  Curiosity got the best of Connor on this day as he had to see what was behind this locked door.  Bad move my man.

Do you see what I see...

I don't know what Connor saw, but it didn't smell good in there.  I also know he didn't see the dude behind him with a shovel.  

Later that day curiosity also got the best of Julie as she had to see what was in that room.  Fortunately she didn't get hit on the head with a shovel after she jimmied that lock, but she did see multiple surveillance monitors and just overall slovenliness, because Charles be nasty yo.  With this revelation, Julie wastes no time in calling the cops and all are pretty much convinced that it was Connor who was the peeping, squatting perp all this time.

Even turning the AC to full max can't force this
guy out of the house.

Charles feigns amazing SHOCK that Connor would do this, and offers to sleep over in case he comes back, which he will not because he's dead.  I got to hand it to my man, because he is nothing if not persistent.  

Unfortunately, the cop (Ciarra Carter) shows up at the job the next day to give Julie some bad news.  Are there any worse cops than Wrong Movie Cops?  I don't think so.

Only YOU can prevent Forest Fires!

Due to his prior incidents with the law, the cops have Connor's prints and DNA on record, and not a lick of it was in that room which was filled with prints and DNA.  Thus our peeping master of surveillance couldn't have been Connor.  Now Julie is genuinely scared.  Charles tries to comfort her by saying that maybe it was that guy she went on that date with, but that makes absolutely ZERO sense since that room has been there long before Julie even met that guy, but we gotta hand it to Charles and his very lame gaslighting attempts.  

The weird neighbor appears out of the bushes one more time to talk to Annie, who quite honestly has had enough of his weird shit and tells him as much.

The sign clearly said 'Keep Off The Grass' but it was the
only way to avoid the guy who hides in the bushes.

He finally gives Annie some usable information, which was the phone number of the lady who used to live there before Julie, the lady we saw in the beginning who fortunately isn't dead and totally isn't Charles' auntie.  I am curious why this weird neighbor has this ladies phone number, but whatever.  Annie passes this info on to Julie, who then contacts this woman.

There's something about that tree that she just doesn't trust.

She informs Julie that Charles is obsessive and crazy.  We all knew this.  And she should get as far away from him as possible, as soon as possible.  With that information, it's time for Julie to do some of her own investigation, which includes breaking into Charles house where she finds things.

      

Things like a shrine to herself and a Dead Connor.  You would've thought the nosy neighbor would've noticed Charles dragging a dead body out of the house, but apparently he was too busy in the bushes.  In fact, this guy is the worst nosy neighbor ever because also didn't notice Charles sneaking up on him while he took what appears to be the worlds most satisfying shower.

It has to be Irish Spring. Or Old Spice.  No way
Zest can make anybody feel that damn good.

We didn't get a chance to actually see this murder as the scene cutaway to a shot of his house amid this dudes incessant screams.  I was wondering what tiny Charles was doing to this much bigger, very fit man that warranted such screams, but we will never know.  Also, Charles should've killed this dude a long time ago because he's already spilled every bean he had access to.

Sadly, Julie now knows what everybody on the planet Earth has known since this movie started, Charles is crazy.  She tries to warn her daughter, who also in unawares of this obviousness for some reason, but she didn't get to her in time.

Blinds!  Finally, somebody bought blinds for a window.
 I mean it's too late now, but at least they got bought.

There's a tense standoff for a moment with Charles proclaiming his love and wondering why Julie didn't return his affections, despite the great physical thing they had together which I'm pretty sure nobody wanted to hear about.  Remember what they say in Real Estate, says Charles, 'The first offer is always the best offer!'  Do they really say that in real estate Charles?  Because that sounds dumb to me.  What if the next off is better?  And what if the offer after that is better still?  I don't think they say that Charles.  Anyway, the sirens sound and Charles runs off.

Of course our hot cop shows up on the scene to tell us some blatant lies, like how we're gonna catch him, he has nowhere to go, bla bla bla.... and Julie recites the title of the movie.  One week later...

No, they won't spring for a bullet proof vest, but they did give me
a really large chest badge.  I think they work about the same.

Our cop comes back to the office to deliver more bad news that all of us already knew, that they haven't caught Charles and quite honestly he could be anywhere... but she assures Julie she's safe.  She even bet her pension on this.  A pension Julie will have no use for after Charles eventually finds her and kills her.  But where exactly is Charles?

Dear Lord, please murder my enemies, burn them at 1000 degrees.
And let me make more cheese, because I'm not ready to leave.

That's Charles hiding in the attic of the same damn house, while it is being shown by another real estate agent.  I guess nobody thought to look for him there.  Note that this real estate agent, who is probably legitimately a Wrong Real Estate Agent since I'm pretty sure she didn't tell this potential buyer that this is a murder house, is being played by Helene Udy, who is her tenth Wrong Movie!  She's been killed in at least half of those.  

Hey, credit has to go where credit is due because this Wrong Movie was wrong on almost every level of Wrongness.  Was our Wrong villain adequately crazy?  Uh... he was literally slapping himself in the face.  That's plenty crazy.  When we finish the last one of these and we have our Wrong Awards, Charles is looking like he might have secured himself a nomination for the Best Crazy.  Did we have hidden cameras?  The very first scene in this movie showed us a hidden camera.  Did the story make any kind of sense?  Hell no it didn't!  Did our cops have any value?  Like any good Wrong movie, they were worthless.  Did we have a grown ass woman pretending to be a high school chick?  Kind of, but not really since Alaya Lee Walton is old enough to vote but not old enough to drink so she is still very much a kid.  Besides, the exploitation in this one was all for the ladies.  And gay dudes.  Rib Hillis (who wasn't credited in this movie for some reason) and Tyler James White provided all the shirtless, showering, working out male half-nakedness that a TV-14 movie can provide. Connor looked like he wanted to take his shirt off too, but they killed him off before he had a chance to.  Vivica did moisturize her ankles, but I don't think that counts as legit exploitation.  Wrong on so many levels.

Maximum Wrong!