The Wrong Cheerleader Coach
The Wrong Cheerleader Coach
Our film starts with a very well formed grown ass woman pretending to be a teenaged girl doing flips and stuff for her cheerleader coach, I guess, played by Tara Reid. Just a word of warning, if you happen to be a fan of Tara Reid, and you are watching this movie because she's in this movie, then keep it moving. I think I saw a reflection of the guy holding the boom microphone in this movie, and he was in the movie more than Tara Reid, despite her rather high billing. You're kinda stuck watching Sharknado movies for your Tara Reid fix. I'm sorry. Anyway, this chick is hiding out watching Tara coach this grown ass woman.
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| This was the only way she could get a look at Tara Reid in this movie. |
That there would be The Wrong Cheerleader Coach. Why she's peeping at Tara Reid behind that gate will never be made clear. Title Card time!
Now we meet our victims in widowed architect Jon (Corin Nemec) and his high school senior daughter Hanna (Madi Burton). These two just moved from Chicago to LA for some kind of architect gig, and obviously Hannah is none too happy moving right before her senior year, she being a championship level cheerleader and all, but her dad is going do everything in his power to make it okay for his little girl. But first he's got to get her all registered for school.
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| Coach... whistle. Assistant... Clipboard. It's not that hard. |
This is where he runs into Coach Burke (Vivica A. Fox) and her assistant coach Devan (Johanna Liauw), with Devan immediately liking what she sees. I don't know if it was the ill fitting t-shirt, the skid row razor stubble or the fact that he looks he hasn't had a decent haircut in months because they probably shot this during the pandemic, but Devan is smitten. Devan is also KARAZAY, so despite the fact the kid is pretty, tall and very thin, Devan being smitten is not a good thing for the receiver of this affection. She even talks about her smitteness towards this man to her personal trainer.
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| Gym memberships... Expensive. This guys living room, not so much. |
Workout guy (Jensen Atwood) mentioned that maybe Devan should pursue somebody closer to her age who can hang with her, which I don't think he meant himself, but that's certainly the way Devan took it and proceeded to go OFF on my man by brutally complimenting him. She let him know, and this is her talking, that just because he has perfect biceps, beautiful hair and a chest as smooth as a baby seal doesn't mean he should be crapping all over older guys. Note that actor Jensen Atwood is also an 'older guy', just a virtually perfect one. In fact I will also toss in that my man has a beard that had to be trimmed by the personal barber of Jesus Christ himself. It's an absolute work of art that thing. Normally, not really into dudes, but as an exceptionally super handsome dude, sometimes I feel a need to point out what we super handsome dudes notice about each other, as a service to you. You're welcome.
Back at home, Hanna is getting settled in and meets her next door neighbor.
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| Ben may be taking his neighborhood watch duties a bit too seriously. |
Hanna heard some sounds in the backyard late at night and opens the sliding door to check them out, and this whackjob literally jumps out of nowhere, out of the darkness, and scares her near to death. This would Ben (Duke Van Patten) who explains that the house has been vacant for a while and he just wanted to check it out by doing some late night prowling? I guess? I don't know man, I just watch these movies. This obviously disturbing behavior isn't going to stop this loon from being Hanna's boyfriend. He even offers to give her a ride on the first day of school tomorrow. Now in the morning when Hanna told her dad she had met a friend and he was going to give her a ride to school, like any reasonable parent he was curious who the HELL Hanna met from the time he went to bed around midnight, to the time he woke up at 6:00AM. Her answer was completely unsatisfactory, but whatever, at least she got a ride to school.
Meanwhile, Jon is on his architect gig when he meets her...
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| The kicker for Jon was the matching safety vests. What are the chances? It has to be kismet. |
That's Melissa (Bailey Kai) and she does something that requires her to wear a safety jacket on site. Jon has never seen such a vision of beauty before. My assumption is that both Devan and Melissa are generally the same age, but Melissa is wearing glasses so instead of being 25, the glasses have magically made her the more appropriate age of 46. Devin is behind a fence peeping at this interaction and she does not like it. She tells her Therapist she doesn't like it and she tells Workout guy she doesn't like it. Workout guy tries to comfort her, and she doesn't like that either.
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| Which part of 'pandemic' do you not understand? |
But this is movie about cheerleading so it's time for a cheerleading montage!
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| Cheerleading practice? I thought this was 'Chorus Line' rehearsals! |
Followed by some actual cheerleading, and a brutal dressing down by Coach Vivica, mainly because I think these girls doing this cheerleading are generally awful at it, and Coach Vivica knows this. But of course the entirety of my cheerleading knowledge comes from the Bring it On movies, so what do I know? Regardless, Assistant Coach Devin pulls Hanna to the side and lets her know that she's good, but she could use some one on one training to insure she makes the team. Hanna asks her dad if that was okay, and he's all in for helping his little girl. Meanwhile Devan goes to work out some more, but this time Workout guy done messed up. I'm not completely sure what their relationship is, but it requires him reporting back to somebody on her progress, as a condition of her release, and he had to admit that his last report about her wasn't that great. He asked her not be mad. Did homeboy JUST meet Devan?
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| Hey, pass me the 20 pounder, but this time, don't drop it on the back of my skull like before. Thanks. |
So Devan beats this guy to death with a dumbbell, but at least he did provide some quality shirtless workout action before his untimely murder. I'm also guessing his reports stopped coming? But whatever, time to move on.
Now it's time for Devan to provide some of that one on one training to Hanna.
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| Devin's advice to Hanna: Grow seven inches and adjust your facial bone structure. That's always worked for me. |
But we all know this was just a ruse to get next to Jon.
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| If I just ignore her, maybe she'll get off the refrigerator and I can get some ice. I just want some ice. |
Unfortunately for poor Devan, Jon isn't even remotely receptive to poor Devan's charms and dismisses her advances. Devan let's Jon know, very loudly, that he's missing out on some quality action. Jon could care less because he has a date that night with a woman who is much more age appropriate. Eyeglasses y'all.
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| Melissa pulled her hair back behind her ear twenty times in this movie, and each time it popped right back in place. It's not working Melissa! |
But while Jon was at dinner, thrilling his date with tales about his dead wife and her cancer, and Hanna was at dinner with her prowler boyfriend and some other kids at school explaining to them the concept of Chicago deep dish pizza and how we mid-westerners call 'Soda', 'Pop', which they thought was freaking hilarious, because they're dumb, Hanna was busy breaking into their house. Waitaminute... this looks familiar to me...
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| The Wrong Wedding Planner |
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| The Wrong Cheerleader Coach |
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| The Wrong Mommy |
Waddayagonna do. Shoot a whole new scene of somebody breaking into somebody's house? I don't think so. Every time, those windows are locked, and every time the perp ends up just walking in through the front door. Next time guys, ditch the window scene and just have them walk in through the front door. Devan doesn't do anything when she does break in except look at pictures. Doesn't place any hidden cameras or anything, What's up with that?
Devan, in her glorious insanity, has deduced that the only reason Jon likes that other chick over her has to be the glasses.
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| Devan learned that perfect eyesight, matched with reading glasses, equals an inability to read anything. |
See? Now Devan's 46 too. Sadly, it doesn't bring Jon around. Devan invited herself to dinner that night, even bringing the Chinese food but Jon forcefully tells her to leave the house and leave their lives!
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| And that stupid white bench doesn't belong in the kitchen! It's dumb! Buy another chair! |
Let me tell you, that's one angry skinny lady right there. Still, life goes on for the family including work and dinner where Jon introduces Hanna to his new girlfriend, but under the ever watchful, seething eye of Devan.
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Also Devan's behavior towards Hanna has turned from friendly and helpful to completely adversarial. She completely yells at her at cheer practice, which Coach Vivica gave her a stern scolding about because that's not the way they do things on her squad, even though Coach Vivica did the exact same thing to one of her poor girls just a few minutes earlier. Double Standard much Vivica? Anyway, it's time for the tried and true Wrong tradition of high school kids doing some investigation! This leads Hanna and her prowler boyfriend back to Tara Reid who says some stuff about something, I think that Devan might've killed a couple people maybe? I can't remember. I was too busy soaking in the Tara.
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| Tara knew if she just kept one eye open, she could make it through this scene. |
So Tera's 45 seconds of screen time is done for the day. And remember when I told you that Jon and Hanna should've warned Melissa about Devan and her predilection toward insanity?
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| Devan was thinking, surely it can't be this easy to run somebody down with your car. |
That's Devan driving an SUV about 80 MPH in a parking lot where she runs down poor Melissa. Maybe that wouldn't have happened if she had been warned about Devin, thus she wouldn't be standing in the middle of a road in a parking lot like an orange cone. Fortunately, Melissa survived this.
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| They were hoping to get some medical help for Melissa, but the doctors were otherwise preoccupied. |
We're not sure how she survived this, but she told us she rolled under a car for safety after getting run down by an SUV driving 80 MPH. I don't think that's a thing. Jon and Hanna think they have Hanna dead to rights now, but sadly, we have the worst cop in Wrong History on the case.
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| Yes, I see your frustration. And yes, I'm terrible at my job, but I look good in this suit though, right? Am I right? |
They tell him all the things Devan did and that she no doubt ran down poor Melissa, but Worthless Cop ended every sentence with 'This isn't what you want to hear, but...' because Devan couldn't have run down Melissa because her roommate gave her an alibi. Wait... Devan has a Roommate? Can we meet this person? This person has to be scared to death whoever this person is. And is anybody curious about the Workout Guy? He has to be decaying something awful by now. Devan also has one last visit with her psychiatrist. That went about as well as we expected.
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| While the life was slipping away from her, she couldn't get over how soft her hands were. This murder is bought to you by Jergens. |
So with a trail of dead bodies behind her and no older guy to call her own, things are looking grim for Devan, but she still seems to like Hanna until Hanna, for reasons, gets all in her face at school, letting her know she knows what she did and she's not going to get away with it. Why would you do that Hanna? Devan didn't like that.
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| This Blonde on Blonde crime has got to stop! |
Hanna's prowler boyfriend leisurely jogs up to this tense stand off and tried to reason with Devan, Hanna tried to play mind games with Devan, telling her that they can all be together as a family, but Devan is crazy, not stupid. Even though she should probably look behind her.
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| "You're the wrong Cheer..." |
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| "...she can't hear me, can she?" |
"Looks like I hired the Wrong Cheerleader Coach", Coach Vivica will tell us. Yes you did, Vivica, yes you did. But despite being knocked unconscious with a field hockey stick, with lots of people standing around, that worthless cop showed up and observed that Devan was gone! No worries, as the worthless cop assures us that they cancelled her credit cards and have a bolo out for her arrest, and that she will be in custody in not time at all. And he is lying. One Year Later, we get another cheerleading montage because there is some light exploitation that still needs to be done.
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| The fundraiser money for their new uni's hasn't come in yet. Until then, they will just cheer the boys on in their underwear. |
Devan totally hasn't been caught. And another older guy, with a dead wife, has found the perfect Wrong Cheerleader coach for his baby girl.
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| Love what you're doing Devan, but funny thing though, all your references are dead. Odd huh? |
So if one is watching a 'Wrong Series' movie for a cohesive story flow or some kind of logical narrative arc, you do know you're watching the wrong type of movie, right? Not A 'wrong' movie but THE wrong movie. No, there's nothing logical how a six foot blonde woman with severe anger management issues can go around simply murdering people and not get immediately caught, but the fact that Devan is a six foot blonde woman with severe anger management issues leaving a string of dead bodies behind her is what makes this a more than an acceptable Wrong entry. There's no logical reason behind anything that Devan does. There's no logical reason that she should be attracted to Coin Nemec. There's no logical reason for her to have killed anybody that she murdered in this movie. There's no logical reason why Melissa didn't just take a single step to the left and not get hit by a speeding car. There's no logical reason that Hanna should make the dude prowling outside her house past midnight her boyfriend, which should be the basis for 'The Wrong Boyfriend', which I don't believe has been made yet.
No my friends, almost nothing in this movie makes any logical sense, but Devan is serving up a double helping of crazy with a side dish of whackadoodle, and at the end of the day that's all a Wrong movie really needs to have, if one were to ask me. That and some shirtless dude doing curls and grown-ass women pretending to be teenaged girls being exploited TV-14 style. And maybe some large hidden cameras which admittedly this one is missing. Four Wrongs!
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