The Wrong House Sitter

 The Wrong House Sitter

Our film opens with a young man, accompanied by a sheriff's deputy, to get somebody out of his house that apparently refuses to leave.

While it seems dangerous, the Deputy was more than
content to use Mr. Hill as a human shield.

They can't find her, but they do find a message she left behind.

Terminator speak in red lipstick always gets the message across

Will she be back?  I don't know but now it's time for the movie to start and for that to happen, we have to meet Dan (Jason-Shane Scott).

In a rush, Dan had to grab a shirt from his eight year old nephew.

Dan is some kind of super successful writer and other than the fact he can't afford a shirt that fits, life is pretty good right now for Dan.  For instance, this is his Boss, Debbie (Vivica A. Fox).

"Siri, is Paisley still in style?"

I wish Vivica A. Fox was my boss.  Can I work for you Ms. Fox?  Please?  I will literally do anything. Pandering aside, this is Dan's brand new home.

Yes sir, the Benzo is included.

And this is Dan's woman, Mary (Ciara Carter).

I believe she's focusing on the bridge of his nose.

I can't tell you how these two met, what these two have in common or what keeps them together... outside of sex. These two kids really like to get down.   At the time this screenshot was taken they were planning on how to 'christen' every room in the house.  We're not mad that is the basis of their relationship, I mean they're both reasonably young, hyper-attractive, and they both have amazing bodies and lots of spare time.  What else are they gonna do?  Anyway, Dan has to go on a business trip to NYC and Mary was going to house sit for him, but something came up on her business end so she can't do it.  No worries because Dan meets this random chick at the bookstore and offers her the housesitting gig out of the blue.  Dan is dumb.

Marsha Brady?  Yeah, I get that a lot.

That's Kristen (Anna Marie Dobbins), and she's nuts.  She does ask Dan a completely sane question, as to why he needs a house sitter for a two day trip, to which Dan gave an answer I still don't understand, but whatever, Kristen is in.  

So with the house sitter secured, Mary comes over the night before Dan leaves so these two can do what they do best.

Dan was a little concerned as Mary mentioned how full she was from dinner.  Dan was like 'I hope you're not TOO full'.  I don't even want to think about what that's supposed to imply.  Kristin is peeping through a window at all of this by the way.  Kristin does a lot of peeping in this movie.

Now it's time to run off to NYC, but before Dan leaves Kristin has him sign an agreement to protect his possessions and insure she gets paid, a document which I'm sure did not need to be read at all or looked over by a professional.  Dan is dumb.  She's also some kind of master hacker I think.

I've looked and looked, but I can't find the Phone 
Cloning app in the App Store.

With Dan gone and his phone successfully cloned, Kristin settles in.  For real.  She redecorates, buys furniture and nick knacks, and just makes Dan's house a home.  For her.  And in true wrong fashion, she built a shrine to Dan as well.

Now Dan was a writer for this realities version of Field and Stream, and I'm not saying the folks who write for Field and Stream aren't hot or anything, but I do wonder how many of them have dozens of shirtless portfolio shots of themselves than can be pasted to the walls of psychopaths.  

And of course, in true Wrong fashion, she had hidden cameras installed.

She actually had a technician do this, telling him that it was to keep an eye on her babysitter for their new baby.  After the job he did observe that there was no crib anywhere in the house and no evidence that a baby has ever been there to which Kristen told him to 'Mind his own damn business', which he did, which as it turns was very good for his health.  

After a couple of days Dan comes home, is a little surprised to see the changes and additions to his new home, and finds Kristen who is seductively lounging by the pool, 

I found the bathing suit in your sock drawer,
Hope you don't mind!

But hey,  it's all good, time to settle up and send this woman on her merry way.  But before she leaves she insists on making Dan dinner, and because it's late he allows her to stay the night.  

So Dan heads off to work the next day fully expecting Kristen to be gone when he returns, but he gets a couple of surprises.  First would be when his boss told him, while dropping off documents at his house while he was gone, that he met his 'girlfriend Mary'.  Dan had to let her know that was NOT Mary.  Boss Vivica had a feeling that something was wrong with that girl.  Also, while Dan was at work, the actual Mary stopped by the house only to have Kristen slam the door in her face.  You know Dan got an earful about that too.  

Dan rushes home and to the surprise of no one, Kristen is still there.  Dan doesn't know where Kristen is gonna go, but she's gotta get the hell out of his house.  Kristen let's Dan know she's not going anywhere, mainly because that paper he signed gives her rights to his house, as a tenant for a full year.  Dan is dumb.  Kristen gives Dan a copy of the agreement, which Dan takes to his boss, who passes it along her lawyer, who let's Dan know that he's pretty much screwed.  

What to do now?  Nothing he can do except make the best of a really bad situation.  Mary said he can move in with her but Dan not's getting run out of his own house.  Mary agrees and they try to make it work, like hanging out at the pool while Kristen stares at them from the kitchen window.

Mary also got her bathing suit out of Dan's sock drawer.

Or retiring for the night for more sex while Kristen peeps on their activities on her phone.

As far as phone screensavers go, that's not one I would've chosen

We know Mary is down for the get down, but even she can't go through with this with Kristen in the next room, plus she just 'feels' that she watching them.  Which she absolutely is.  Dan makes a suggestion, his one good idea I might add, that they just have sex really loud which will make Kristen uncomfortable and she will just leave, but Mary doesn't like good ideas and just jets in the middle of the night.

Well Kristen knows an opportunity when she sees one, and with Dan sitting on the couch with drink in hand, probably in a bit of a state, she offers to help.  Dan declines, but also walks off to the loo leaving his drink behind.  Dan is dumb.

A true whiskey connoisseur would notice the taste of
Fentanyl in their drink. 

That was obviously a bad move.  Now Dan is pretty much unconscious which allows Kristen to place him in all kinds compromising positions.  

This is us in Cabo!  As you can see he is
really excited to be here!

But Mary's just not twiddling her thumbs while her man is suffering through this nonsense.  She tracks down one of Kristen's former victims and the two ladies have an interesting conversation about Kristen's pathology, and the fact that she has done this before renders her contract with Dan null and void, apparently.  I'm not sure any if the legalese in this movie is actually legal.    Mary even pays a visit to Kristen to let her know she has her in her sights.

When Kristen told Mary she was gonna take her man,
Mary asked her 'Do you play roulette?'

Show of hands of those who got that reference above?  If you did, chances you are over 45 and possibly African American or at least know a couple.  Despite Mary's show of strength which did rattle Kristen, Kristen made sure Mary saw those roofied pics she took with Dan.  Did Mary believe Dan when he tried to tell her he was drugged?  Of course she didn't.  Poor Dan.

Unfortunately, Kristen's crazy has gotten the best of her.  For instance, Dan's boss's lawyer thinks she has a plan to get rid of Kristen but of course Dan didn't get the message because Kristen cloned his phone.  Kristen invites the lawyer over, again pretending to be Mary.  You know, this Mary / Kristen confusion probably shouldn't happen as often as it does.  While the lawyer (Tracy Nelson) has her doubts that this is actually Mary she's speaking to, that didn't stop her from accepting a beverage from this woman she fears may be deceiving her.

It's either Fentanyl, again, or Taco Bell.  One or the other.

And thus ends the life of the Lawyer.  More on her in a bit.  There's also a nosy neighbor who sees this suspicious activity and walks in through an open door to investigate.  Another bad call.

This would go much better if Kristen was six inches taller.

Dan comes home soon after, can't find Kristen and assumes that's her under the covers in the bed.  It was not.

The light in her eyes... is kinda still there actually.

I loved Dan's reaction to pulling back the covers and seeing a dead body, which was similar to him pulling back the covers and seeing pillows that didn't match the sheets.  And Kristen is assumed never to be seen again.  Here's the thing about the dead Lawyer... She's never mentioned again.  It's like Kristen went back in time and erased her carbon footprint, made it so she was never born.  I guess she has no family, no friends, including Boss Vivica because at NO POINT did anybody ask, 'Anybody seen the lawyer lady?  Anybody?

Anyway, everybody's happy.  Dan and Mary are back on the couch making out, as usual, when Mary volunteers to run out and get some food.

Look at the knife Dan.  The knife.  No Dan, the Knife.

No sooner than Mary leaves does Kristen show up again, knife in hand, ready to put an end to Dan.  Sure Kristen looks to be about 5'2 and might weigh 90lbs, a weight a shirtless Dan was curling earlier in this movie, but damn, she has a knife.  No way to defend against that.  

Wait, I have to save you?  I seriously need to 
thinking about getting a new man.

Fortunately for Dan, Mary forgot her wallet and the sight of Mary caused Kristen to run away.  While Kristen might be able to easily take the six foot, 200 pound muscle dude, the little lady in the tiny white jean shorts is gonna be problem.  

With this kind of speed, that door did not come close to
hitting her where the Lord split her.

And thus ends the tale of the Wrong House Sitter, complete with Vivica letting Dan know that 'He Hired the Wrong House Sitter'.  Everyone feels safer now, even though Kristin is nowhere near being caught, but they feel safe for some reason.  I wonder where she is now?

Oh yeah, that's right.  Somebody might want to let that brother know he's about to get a visitor.

So there are some good things about this 'Wrong' other than the ending, which looked like they didn't actually finish shooting it, Dan being a total bitch, and the poor lawyer who nobody cares about.  Why is Kristin crazy?  Because she is?  We gets no back story on that and I'm okay that. Sometimes folks just be crazy yo, and Kristen was plenty crazy, and confident with her crazy.   We're happy to see that Jason-Shane Scott has paid his Wrong dues long enough that he gets to be the actual lead in one these things and while his character is dumb as dirt, I think he did a good job with it.  Same with Ciara Carter, who while she hasn't paid the same amount of wrong dues that Jason has, she had paid some, not to mention she is also an awful lot of fun to look at.  Plus I am pleased they bought back one my favorite 'Wrong' plot devices, the extra large hidden camera.  No Wrong should be without one of those.  Director Decoteau was at his exploitative best, with Jason, Ciara and Anna Marie letting it all hang out as much as a TV-14 rating will allow.  

Again, this movie did not end properly.... Covid maybe?   Who knows.  And nobody in this more cares about Tracy Nelson, not even a little bit... but Three Wrongs!