30 Days of Horrible Christmas Movies... Day Four

A Very Larry Christmas (2013) - B.E.T.

Four days in, and I gotta be honest and let you know this is a little tougher than I thought it would be.  And I didn't think it would be easy.  Starting to lose the feeling in my fingertips.  Nonetheless we soldier on with A Very Larry Christmas.

Santa's is in town to do a little Meet and Greet and get the key to the city or something, along with his wife Mrs. Claus as played by Loretta Devine.  Wait... You mean to tell me that Santa is Down with the Brown?  Sure he is, because as a wise person recently told me, Santa Claus isn't real so you can do whatever you want with Santa.  In this reality Santa has a Black wife, in another reality Santa is a serial killing Werewolf.  You can do whatever you want with this fool.

Anyway, Santa was acting stupid, slipped and fell and broke his leg and as such Christmas is now in jeopardy, unless Santa, along with his PR Agent Nicole (Tatyana Ali) can find a replacement Santa on short notice.

Say Hello to Larry (DeRay Davis), a nice young man with, as far as we can tell, zero work ethic and as such the perfect choice to handle the thankless, unpaid, tireless gig of delivering toys to spoiled brats around the world.  We also have a villain in this piece in the form of Larry's ex-boss at this realities version of UPS who does all kinds of evil stuff such as demand that Larry come to work on time and actually do his job when he does show up.  Son of a bitch.

Larry doesn't think he can be Santa, former NFL linebacker Shawne Merriman doesn't think he can be Santa, his eventual love interest Nicole doesn't think he can be Santa and the world at large doesn't think he can be Santa... but Santa believes and now Larry starts to believe.  Until the belief is lost, but magically found through the power of forgery. It's complicated.

So our first three days were movies filled with people whiter than the first snow of winter, so having this one featuring people of color was certainly a welcome departure, but this was one weird movie.  First there was Charles S. Dutton playing an elf, one that will certainly give children nightmares for years to come.
Not to mention the strangely adult content in this alleged family movie, but it was so obtuse and so strangely inappropriate that maybe the kids won't get it.  The evil boss angle was strange, mainly because he wasn't evil, but stranger still was when Larry 'forgave' the evil boss for demanding he be at work on time and do his freaking job.  Then frame all this weirdness around DeRay Davis and his constant bufoonery, well... now you have 'A Very Larry Christmas'.  Now if you've ever seen Mr. Davis in action, you know bufoonery is what he does, but this was pushing bufoonery to it's limits.

Does the story follow the tired and true tales of Christmas movies of this type?  Kind of... but not really.  Because the narrative was so scattershot, this gave the appearance of the whole movie looking improvised, but we still had the displeasure of canned Christmas music playing throughout.  Not too many cute kids, but we did have a few wise old people around to dispense wisdom.

I'm not sure how to rate this.  It almost deserve no vomits because it was so unconventional and really doesn't follow form for these types of Christmas movies, but on the other hand it deserves maximum vomits because it was kind of a terrible movie.  So we'll split the difference.



But hey, if you like Bufoonery...

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