30 Days of Horrible Christmas Movies... Day Twenty-Nine

Dear Secret Santa (2013) - Lifetime

Jennifer (Tatyana Ali) is a busy career woman, no time for love, no time for Christmas... bla bla bla, we know the routine.  Jen has gotten word from her bestie Abby (Jordin Sparks) that her old man Ted (Bill Cobbs) has taken a nasty spill, and Jen has to jet up the I-5 from L.A. to Berkeley to check on the old angry dude.

When Jen gets there, other than being ridiculously old, because he's being played by Bill Cobb, the old guy is okay.  Still, Jen decides to stick around to keep an eye on him, maybe sell the family house out from under him and stick him in a nursing home or something.  It's for his own good.  Jen and her dad aren't too terribly close, Jen being more of mama's girl, but the thing her father is still a little bent about is that she missed Jack's funeral three years ago.  Jack (Lamorne Morris) was Jen's next door neighbor and best friend growing up and when tragically he died in a car accident she inexplicably missed the funeral service.  I'm sure she had reasons.

Then the postage free Christmas Cards started appearing in the mailbox from a 'Secret Santa', with the author proclaiming love for Jen.   Note this all started when Jen dropped a lousy penny down a magic well and asked for True Love. Who's doing this?  Is it the sexy cop or the grinning barista?  Well, turns out those two are totally gay for each other so it can't be them.  Maybe it's her high school ex, who at the moment is the only M.D. in ALL of Berkely, who cheated on her twenty years ago.  Jen seriously still holds that against him.  Not him either.  Screw it, Jen decides to just stick her own Christmas card in the mailbox and ask who it is.  It's totally Dead Jack.  While this can't be happening, it is.  And Jen has totally fallen in love with his dead ass.

She has to warn Jack!  But if she does, according to Time Space Continuum author Della Reese, there could be irreparable rips in the time space continuum.  But what's more important?  Preserving the very fabric of reality itself... or True Love?  I think we all know the answer to that simple question.

Two very important things I learned from this movie.  One was when Time Space Continuum author Della Reese was explaining how this could've happened.  Note that the legendary Ms. Reece didn't really have time to learn her lines for this movie and mostly just read a piece of paper off of a podium.  But she said this could be caused by Non-local Quantum Communication.  Say what?  Did Della just make that up?  Nope, it is a thing.  I don't believe it's a thing anywhere near related to anything happening in this movie, but Non-Local Quantum Communication is real.

Also, there was the old-wise Chinese guy in this movie, as if there are any other kind of old Chinese people in movies, and he hit Jen with an alleged ancient Chinese proverb...

 "When the winds of change blows, some build walls, while others build windmills".

Now my next question was, "Is this a real Chinese Proverb?" Research says YES!  Yes it is my friends.  This movie is authentic as F@#K!  Now Jen could've asked "What the hell does that even mean", at least in regard to what she's going through, but if you don't know... then you just don't know.  That's the magic of Chinese proverbs.

Is the movie any good?  On day twenty-nine of this adventure I've realized that this is so not the point with these things.  The real goal is for the movie to fallow the formula and successfully manipulate it's audience into a false sense good feelings, and I think this one gets it done in fine fashion.  It was very Christmassy, other than the fact it took place in California which means there was no snow, which I think is the first one of these I've seen with no snow, which means we have to deduct a vomit from it's ranking.  There were wise old people, even though Bill Cobbs was kind of a dick throughout most of the movie.  The story was semi-unique, at least in what these Hallmark / Lifetime Christmas movies usually rely on, for as many have pointed out this does borrow heavily from The Lake House made in 2007.  And the best part is that there are two fully orchestrated Christmas tunes.  One sung by our star, who I didn't know actually tried to have a pop career at some point, and of course Jordin Sparks to close the show.  Her fake husband even pulled an acoustic guitar which would've automatically brought back in that no-snow redacted vomit, but thank goodness he didn't actually play it.

But as it turns out 'Dear Secret Santa' was very vomit worthy, for those who like these kinds of movies and maybe even somewhat watchable for those who don't.  Non-Local Quantum Communication.  Didn't expect to learn about that theory in a Lifetime movie.


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