Sunday, December 4, 2016

30 Days of Horrible Christmas Movies... Day Seven

Christmas Bounty (2013) - ABC Family

From WWE studios we have another Christmas movie that's really not a Christmas movie, just a movie that takes place around Christmastime, but whaddayagonnado?

Tory (Francia Raisa) is a Manhattan schoolteacher engaged to blue blood investment banker James (Will Greenberg) when she gets a mysterious call from Manucci (professional movie thug Alexs Paunovic) that he going to kill her and family.  Well that's not the spirit.  Why does this dude want to kill the lovely Tory?  Because Tory's bounty hunting family traced this cat ten years ago, mainly Tory who was like twelve at the time, and put him away.  Now he's escaped and wants bloody revenge.  HO HO HO!  Of course Tory's fiance doesn't know anything about Tory's bounty hunting past.  I've noticed another theme of these Christmas movies, and probably Lifetime movies in general, is these women lying to their men about their pasts, no matter how mundane these pasts might be.  I know why Tory didn't come clean, because it provides zany mayhem and chaos, but she could've avoided this conflict with a sentence.

Regardless of all of that, now it's back to Jersey for this Jersey girl to gear up with her clan, bring down Manucci, and reconnect with her old boyfriend Mikey (Mike Mizanin).  Also, her fiance decides to surprise her and show up in Jersey which leads to MAD zany mayhem and chaos.  And after the smoke clears, Tory will have a tough decision to make.  Does she go back to being a New York school teacher with her sweet fiance who just loves her to death, or does she stay a bounty hunting Jersey girl with her original love Mikey.  Just so you know, while one is super rich and nice, the other dude is tall, good looking and has abs to die for.  In movieland, we call that a 'no brainer'.

What we have here from WWE studios and 'Christmas Bounty' is a break from our usual Christmas fare.  For starters we have one of the more violent Christmas movies as it has a body count that rivals an Expendables movie.  Hey, are you are a fan of cleavage and sexual innuendo?  Well do I have the family movie for you.  Is there a lot Christmas cheer in this movie?  Well, there was the shootout at a Christmas tree park which was pretty festive, and the beatdown at the mall which had thugs getting pummeled with Christmas presents which brought the yuletide joy.  Ah, and there was the Christmas party where Tory choked out some dad who had violated his visitation rights and kidnapped his son which gave me memories of Santa Claus Coming to Town.  Tory followed that up with the promise of lurid sexual favors to her fiance once she got back from Jersey. Thanks for this ABC Family!  Now called Freeform!  Because the word 'family' just doesn't work so good with movies like this.

But is the movie any good?  No, not really, but it's also not very vomit worthy either.

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